"Like how a single word can make a heart open. I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion.

Top 25 songs of 2015

1. Fight Song by Rachel Platten : 2015 was all about my fight. My fight against myself and the decisions I was making. My fight against the men who continued to let me down and couldn't live up to the extremely low expectations I set. My fight against my father who I love dearly but continue to disagree with. My fight against failure and being stuck in my sadness and disappointment. I had a lot of little battles this year and this song helped me keep going. My favorite line was "Like a small boat, in the ocean. Sending big waves into motion. Like how a single word can make a heart open. I might only have one match, but I could make an explosion". I made many explosions with the match that I had. This song gave me the motivation I needed to get through some of my hardest battles this year.          
2. Water Under the Bridge by Adele : This song came to me late, but I love it nonetheless. Adele is a goddess. She releases masterpiece after masterpiece. We had to wait four years to get new music, and it was worth the wait. Water Under the Bridge was definitely my favorite song from the album. "If you're gonna let me down let me down gently, don't pretend that you don't want me. Our love ain't water under the bridge". This song goes out to J. He knows he wan'ts me (Kimoji hairflip)

3. A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion : Too many of these songs are associated with men and my internal struggles. This one is no different. The song was released over ten years ago, but it came into my life in 2015. I had decided to stop practicing insanity and joined the "shoot your shot" movement. When it worked, this song became my anthem. The lyrics are so closely associated with my feelings : "The world thought I had it all, but I was waiting for you...". I'm still waiting and Celine Dion is great company.

4. Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran : The music video helped me fall in love with this song. He dances with her so beautifully. I may not be able to ballroom dance, but in my head I am spinning and twirling with Ed Sheeran. It's the love song of the year, and I can't wait to hear more music from Ed.

5. I Am Light by Erykah Badu : I did the Miss Black and Gold pageant this year and it was quite momentous for me. It was like a "coming out" occasion of sorts. I was showing the world that I have confidence in me. I got on stage in a bathing suit for the first time ever and killed it. Did I have rolls? yes, but I still killed it. So this song represents that accomplishment for me. It also represents me overcoming my pharmacy school failure. "I am not mistakes that I have made. Or any of thing things that caused me pain. I am not the pieces of the dreams I left behind. I am light." Erykah Badu is a queen, and I finally see it.

6. Love Yourself by Justin Bieber : Purpose was a beautiful album. It was exactly what I needed to fall back in love with Justin Bieber. Ed Sheeran wrote a beautiful break up son. I scream "my momma don't like you and she likes everyone.." every time we get to the chorus. This goes out to all the heart breakers.

7.One Man Can Change the World by Big Sean : This is another song I found during my demise this summer. I had the pleasure of seeing Big Sean in concert. I didn't go to as many concerts as usual this year which was quite sad. I heard this song at his concert, and I would pretend it was being sang to me. I cried to this song more than a couple of times. Oh goodness, 2015 was a hard year.

8. Hotline Bling by Drake : The song speaks for itself. It was the best Drake song I've heard ina minute. It represents the relationships of our generation all too well. The music video was life. I like Drake with a beard and sweater. My panties are a little wetter then they were before I started thinking about Drake with a beard and sweater.

9. I Bet by Ciara : Ciara did it again. Her music is questionable a majority of the time, but this song was all any girl could sing. We all related to her feelings of still wanting the man who hurt us. It was real and I appreciate this song.

10. Post to Be by Omarion : "If your dude comes close to me. He gon wanna ride off and then ghost with me. I might let your boy chauffer me, but he gotta eat the booty like groceries". Nothing more needs to be said. This song was a hit. It makes me want to dance and sing. Shoutout to Jhenae. That line is her legacy.

11. Mrs. Officer by Lil Wayne : I had forgotten this song existed. I went to see Lil Wayne in concert with my friend Sharon. We drove to Wichita and he was amazing. He kept looking out into the audience and saying we were beautiful in the most genuine voice. This song became stuck in my head from that point on. We also got to use it in the stroll off which was awesome. Dreams do come true.

11. Coffee by Miguel : My love for Miguel has definitely grown through the years. I have seen him in concerts four times (maybe more). The first time he was a nobody opening up for Usher. He has really grown since then. This song is beautiful, and I will always associate it with my KCGP adventure.

12. Blessings by Big Sean ft. Drake : It was Big Sean's year. Everyone from me to little Riley Curry was singing wayyyyy up I feel blessed.

13. I Don't **** With You by Big Sean: We were also singing I don't give a **** about you or anything that you do and really meaning it.

14. Slow Motion by My Future Husband : Trey is my baby. I got to see him live twice. Once in Wichita and once in California. He's my man. Love him, love him, love him.

15. Trap Queen by Fetty Wap : It was Fetty's year. Every song he dropped was magic, but this was the one that started it all. Not going to lie. He had me imagining myself in the kitchen cookie pies with my baby. I saw too many cute snaps to count of couples listening to trap queen. It was the ratchet anthem.

16. Sorry by Justin Bieber : I told you that this was the year I fell back in love with JB. This song has African beats so it speaks to me. It makes me want to dance, smile, twirl. It's upbeat and real. Yes Justin, its okay to sorry now. Selena's crazy. I would take you back.

17. The Fix by Jeremiah and Nelly : I love Marvin Gaye. Sexual Healing is a song I grew up on at all these different African parties and weddings that I went to. I loved seeing this song reappear through modern day artists. This song makes me want to dance too.

17. The Hills by the Weeknd : I said it was Fetty Wap's year, but I think I have to correct that statement. He shares this year with Adele, Justin Bieber, and the Weeknd. He became a household name in the most awesome way. He didn't have to sell out or make music like everybody elses. He did it by being himself. I wouldn't call this a love song, but when he gets to the chorus you definitely feel something.

18. Marvin Gaye by Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor  : The video is absolutely adorable. They're at a school dance. It feels like 1980. Meghan Trainor is bringing booty back. I love it. It's the cutest song ever and I could sing it all day every day forever.

19. Into You by Fabulous : This song is old, but it described my feelings perfectly. When I was sad about J I listened to Water Under The Bridge, but when I was happy about J... I listened to this song. It turns out that he appreciates Fabulous too making the entire thing perfect. That plus..they were on a boat.

20. Back to Back by Drake : Shoutout to all my boss barbies wifing ninjas!! Ayy. I had to clean it up a bit, but everyone knows that line went hard. The beef between Drake and Meek was hilarious. Drake won by a landslide and Nicki stood by her man. Drake performed with all the famous memes as the backdrop. The whole thing was the most memorable battle of 2015. I like seeing artists challenge one another. Aubrey Graham proved that he's one Canadian you shouldn't mess with.

21. Earned It by The Weeknd : Fifty Shades of Grey was the most memorable movie of the year. I was a part of the fandom. Fifty Shades is a Twilight fan fiction, so those of us that grew up as twilight fans have a unique appreciate for this series. This was the theme song, and I couldn't get it out of my head. Another standing ovation to the Weeknd. He had noting but hits all year.

22. Best Friend by JR featuring Bae : The concept for this song was scandalous, but it was so catchy no one could stop singing it. Go best friend.

23. Big Rings by Future: I knew this list was missing something. That's Future. I loved all of his songs, but decided to only place one of the list. I loved Big Rings. This was playing the only time I went to the Cave this school year and the whole club went crazy.

24. Cheerleader by Omi : I heard this song on the radio on my way to Olive Garden in Kansas City with my line sister and her best friend Josh. Its so cheery. Perfect for days where the sun is shining down on your face and every little thing seems to be alright. How could it not be? Olive Garden has the never ending bread bowl.

25. No Role Modelz by J. Cole : This song has a different meaning from the one I've given it. I take it as an empowerment song. "She don't wanna be saved, don't save her" means she can save herself. I understand that's not what J. Cole meant, but that's what it means to me.


This concludes this years list. I enjoyed this music very much. It lit up my life time and time again. Excited to see what this next year holds in terms of music. Chris Brown just dropped the royalty album and rumor has it Rihanna will finally release new music. Praying for new music from Nicki. I can't wait.

"If you're gonna let me down, let me down gently. Don't pretend that you don't want me. Our love ain't water under the bridge"

I just don't know anymore. I am conflicted between what I want, what I deserve, filling a void, and right or wrong. As many of you know, I spent most of my life trying to be "good". I was the perfect daughter, friend etc. (yes, I wasn't actually perfect. Some of this is just coming from my ego. But you get the point). It took a lot of energy for me to maintain this lifestyle, and I still wasn't getting what I want. When I started losing everything, I lost my desire to be perfect.I had spent so long trying to build the perfect future that makes my parents proud and myself "better" (more money, nicer clothes, respect from educated people etc.), and it all failed. The people who were having fun and living life the way they wanted to were A. happier than me, because they set such low bars for themselves complete failure isn't an option and B. finding the thing I want the most : love. I've been waiting for the perfect guy forever. A god fearing man who wants to hold my hand, talk about nothing and everything, take me on adventures, and sees the beauty within. Prince charming was half the reason this blog started. I was on the hunt for the man I thought was my prince . This hunt used to lead right to a dead end. Part of this had to do with my confidence. I couldn't talk to men, and I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I was scared to be myself. I live in a household that isn't very affectionate. We're not touchy feely people and emotions are kept within unless the emotion is anger or frustration. I don't really know how to be flirty and outgoing. Most men probably thought I was asexual, because I stuck to myself and admired them from afar.

This is the year that men started coming into my life. I met six people that each changed me in different ways.

1. The handsome kappa lawyer to be. I was the talent at a KU Black Alumni banquet. She asked me the day before, so I didn't have much time to prepare. I played the piano and chose Cannon in D. It's one of my absolute favorite pieces. Definitely a song I want played by a string quartet at my wedding. I was playing the song and he came and laid his paperwork for the night on the piano. I looked up and in the sexiest of voices I heard, "Am I distracting you?". Yes, I was distracted. Because he was attractive. I had nothing formal to wear, so I chose a dress that was too small. My only option. It was small everywhere including up top, and my boobs were to die for. He noticed. We ended up sitting next to each other during the banquet, and he kept saying, "I feel like I know you from somewhere..". I didn't want a formal introduction before playing my piece, but he gave me one anyway. We conversed through out the night and my line sister thought he must like me. Instead of being passive and waiting, I decided to "stop practicing insanity". I messaged him and we spoke. Despite our 10 year age difference, I had hope. You know I always do. We texted back and forth for about four weeks. He asked me if I was attracted to him and worried about coming off as a creepy old man. He told me that he could tell I'm an old soul "It's in your eyes". This relationship may sound deep, but its not. He liked to talk about himself, and we never actually went on that date. The day he ignored my next is the day I never spoke to him again.

2. I started sneaking into the club Tonic this year. My line sister turned 21 and had her paper ID and regular ID. This allowed me to go to a variety of different clubs with her during the summer season. After partying, we would always go to Fuzzy's for some delicious Mexican cuisine. That day a guy from the club motioned for me to come to his table. He proceeded to tell me that he had seen me in the club and wanted to know more about me. I gave him his number and he selected a day for us to go on our date. He canceled and it was over for me. I couldn't have been more excited for that date.

3. The good bruhz. I have a thing for the men of Omega Psi Phi, and I'm not ashamed. As a Delta, there are many ques in my life. I think that is part of why a majority of the men I've talked to this year have been ques. I met this one at KC greek picnic, in the Alpha House's kitchen. My line sister (who is a part of every story) was talking to one of the guys she met, and I was standing alone. He called me over. I didn't notice that he was the bruhz, because he wasn't wearing pari and bruhz tend to wear pari to every party. He had a bracelet that I didn't notice until later. He didn't know I was a delta either. We talked about so many things. I wish I had written them all down. It was a beautiful conversation and he had a theme. He said his mission was to make my night a little better. He kept asking if he'd done it yet. Next think you know we were kissing. It was heavenly. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car. We were looking up at the stars and he talked about how many people had been into each other the same way we have. Just like Frank & Edna. It was sweet. He left for Virginia and our conversations didn't last long. It turns out he had a girlfriend the night we met, but he broke up with her the week after. I sent him a letter. I hope to get one back. He said he bough the stationary, but I know his ways.

4. I met number four the same day I met number three. Right after actually. He saw number three kiss me goodnight, but that didn't stop him. Our mutual sorors/frat were the ones who were talking int he previous story forcing me to stand alone and meet #3. My line sister and I took my car to those guys home. They bought us mcDonalds and had to pull to the side of the road so their interest could puke. The situation was less than idea. We sat in the veranda as the two men and my sister smoked (for medical purposes of course :) ) . Eventually my line sister and his frat left to spend some quality time with one another. Him and I were left to speak in our 4 in the morning tired state. We took a nap together which was quite enjoyable. He wanted to mess around, but kissing two guys in the same day seemed wrong. So instead we cuddled and napped. We exchanged social media information, and he DM'd me later that day asking for my number. We've been texting back and forth for five months now. It's on and off, and I've only seen him one time since. I don't think we have potential. It's just fun to have consistent communication with someone who calls me beautiful. It makes me feel good to know that I've only spent a few hours with him, but those hours left an impact. I also like that he lets me call him his full name.

5. I met an asshole. He doesn't deserve a story. He stole $200 from me and still hasn't paid me back. He probably never will. Ass hole. - I was going to leave it at that, but I learned some important lessons from him. I can't be this gullible, and I can't want love so bad that I'm willing to be a fool for it. I'm not okay with being used. I'm not strong enough to be with a bad guy.

6. Bae. I really like this man. He has a special place in my heart. I'm so comfortable around him. It amazes me. He's warm and has the cutest smile. You can read every emotion he's every had right on his face. Our time together has been limited. He's so busy and his business is sexy. He's working really hard to become something, but to me he's already so many things. He doesn't want a relationship. So all I think about in my free time is why? Is it because he just got out of a relationship? Is it me? Does he think he can do better? Is it because I'm inexperienced or not sexy enough? Last but not least, is there anything I can do to make him want me. I want to be with him. He's so sexy to me. He doesn't just say hey, He says "good morning" and "good evening", He thanks me after a good time together and asked me what my long term goals are. It'll kill me if he loses interest, because I want this man in my life. I really really do. It'll be awhile before I feel this comfortable around any one else again. I'm hoping I don't have to build up that comfort, because he and I will last. So now is the time for what ifs. Should I text him and call him all the time. Try to stay in constant communication, so he's thinking about me and gets to know me better. Should I be patient and let him build from here. Should I focus on the negatives? What should I do? I was going to say I don't know, but that would be a lie. I've already decided I'm going to call him and it'll be beautiful. We'll talk for a long time and live happily ever after. Did I mention he's the bruhz too? OOP-Roo

This blog feels incomplete, because there's no way for me to tie it all together and create a happy ending. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm grateful for my experiences and the lessons I learned from all these men. Each one of them will bring me one step closer to the one I'm supposed to be with.

Song of the day : Duffle Bag Boy by Lil Wayne

Quote of the day : We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see the imperfect person perfectly.

"How would you like it if both of our names ended with Jackson?"

I have to write about this one before the magic has left my bones. I can feel it disappearing. Slipping away. But there are certain things I don't want to forget.

1. He fed me a carrot. Asked if I wanted some Ramen Noodles. When I said, "no, I'm fine". He said, "I know you're fine".

2. After everything was said and done, I asked him to play Into You by Fabulous and he did. That was our song in my mind, and I've never actually listened to what was "our song" with a man before.

3. I wasn't scared. For once in my life. My heart was open and ready for whatever came next.

4. He's different. He asks me if I made anybody smile today and listens to whatever story I came up with. He taught me about the 13th Amendment and how it doesn't prevent prisoners from being treated as slaves. He says indeed and knows about the law of attraction.

5. He won the best student award in middle school that I never could. That means he's always been charismatic and pinch cheeking adorable.

6. He's cheesing super hard in the picture he keeps in his room.

7. The conversations. When we're shoulder to shoulder, staring at the ceiling. Stories about him, stories about myself.

8. All the little things I can't put my finger on that I adore.

I'm in trouble y'all. If you read this blog, you know how all these stories end for me. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I've been optimistic and that didn't change the end result. Sometimes I think the world doesn't want me to be in love right now. Maybe they want me to figure out my tragic school situation first or wait for a nice christian man to come swoop me away. Right now, I want this man. I want his heart. I don't want him to go back to his ex-girlfriend. I don't want him to meet someone else. I don't want him to hurt me. I want him. All of him for all of me. Here's to hoping for a happy ending this time around.

With Love,
Hillary Duff  j

"On a monday, I am fading. On a tuesday, I am waiting. On a wednesday, I..can't..sleep"

"Defamation of character" is defined as : a false statement about you that causes some kind of harm. Everyone has been accused of things. Some negative and some positive. If you're lucky, people will respect you and think highly enough of you not to believe what is said. I recently had a conversation with my forever friend. I just love that phrase. Forever friend. It rolls off the tongue beautifully. As I mentioned in my last post, she told me that she realized I was a secretive person. I've spent the last five days dwelling on that comment. Am I really a secretive person? My first thought was, "Yes. I am a secretive person". Anyone who has any idea how my brain works knows that I followed up that statement with, "why?". The easy answer that came to mind was "because I haven't even figured out who I am". I say that's the easy answer, because that's kind of the theme of my year. I lost track of what I want to do in life, started over in many ways, broke some of the rules that were near and dear to me for so long. I crumbled under the weight of the world. I don't doubt that part of it or question it at all. What I doubted was weather these failures mean that I am a different, undiscovered person now.

The answer to that question is no. Just because I lost my way and made mistakes doesn't mean I'm a different person. I'm the same person. I am quiet, observative, an overactive thinker, and hardworker. I am kind, often tired, and a bad decision maker. I'm unsure a lot of the time. I'm also slightly judgmental and have a little too much self pride. That's why I keep some of my thoughts to myself. I would never want to say something that hurts anyone else, but that same kindness is not relayed to me. Very few people get the privilege of knowing my every thought and feeling. I would say there a three people who know the most things about me. When you put together all the different pieces they know, you make all of me. All my memories, fears, and quirks. Lately, I've become so secretive that I even keep things from them. I kept things from them, because I didn't want to disappoint them. I didn't want them to look at me differently. I don't think its good to keep those kind of feelings to yourself. I've been meaning to go see a psychologist to talk through some of these things. Why would I want to talk to a psychologist verses someone I already know? I want to get things off my chest for me, but I don't want any associated opinions and judgements.

There is nothing that hurts more than pouring yourself out to people and them rejecting it or throwing it back in your face. I don't blame them, because maybe they think they're telling me what I need to hear. Maybe they don't realize that what was being shared were my deepest thoughts and secrets. Maybe they don't realize how rude it is to talk to someone in that tone. This is always the reaction I get from people after they finally know everything about me. They start to rip me apart. Friends are supposed to lift you up, but mine feel the need to break me down. That goes for some family members too. I'm starting to think the way to overcome this is to continue to build a life on my own. I don't want to be less secretive. I want to be more secretive. I've tried to open up and I've been burned. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm just being stupid and I know I'm not dumb. That will not be a mistake I chose to repeat.

song of the day : Pieces of Me by Ashley Simpson

quote of the day: I told God to protect me from my enemies, and I started losing friends

"Let rain fall and then wash away my tears. Let it fill my soul and drown my fears. Let it shatter the walls for a new sun. A New Day Has Come!"

Hello long lost friend,

This blog is one of my greatest treasures. It holds so many of my feelings and all the words I left unsaid. There are days it has been my only friend. When I didn't have a voice, it was where I turned to feel heard. To empty the voices and demons in my head. Rereading my posts from this summer gives me chills. I still feel the pain I felt with every ounce of my being. I have distracted myself and found a way to move away from my failures, but I haven't reached the point of moving on and getting over them. The difference between then and now is I now know that the time will come when I truly am over my disappointments and downfall. It may have bent me, but it didn't break me. I'm still in an academic limbo. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I've realized that maybe what I want to do with my life has absolutely nothing to do with what I study. The society we live in has made academic success the ultimate goal. Things are this way for a good reason. Academic success leads to financial stability which is necessary to be self sufficient. Self sufficiency is the ultimate goal. Being able to leave your parents, sally mae, or whoever is keeping you afloat.

I lost my "high paying" job this summer. I replaced it with two low paying jobs. Believe it or not, I am happier in the work place. I have coworkers that I like in both locations. I feel comfortable asking them for favors and explaining my very real human problems to them. They don't look at me like I'm an outcast or not enough. They accept me and continue to surprise me by working really hard to figure out exactly who I am. I had a conversation with my forever friend Samira yesterday. She was telling me that she realized I'm a really secretive person. I had to agree with her.  I am definitely a secretive person. I like the reason a lot of people don't know much about me is because I'm still figuring me out. I'm learning a lot about myself from the people in my life, the things I'm choosing to spend my time on, and finally letting myself think, feel, and be freely. Some of the things that were a secret no longer are. I'm proud to be a swahili speaking African these days, and I'm not ashamed about being overweight. I share my thoughts even when they're "lame" and "type A". I don't really care what people think about me after I put them out there. I'm an extremely kind person. People in my life keep trying to take that from me. I'm constantly being told to put my foot down or stop being nice because it makes others uncomfortable. I finally realized that I don't care if how I am makes you uncomfortable. I like that I'm different. I like that I care about people. For the longest time, I felt like I had to quietly uplift others. I didn't want to freak them out with my niceness or make them think I care in a creepy way or something. I've started opening up more about how I see people. I think my ability to see the best in people is a blessing. It brings joy to my life and the lives of others as well.

I'm learning that friendships and relationships are a common theme in your early twenties. Those two things bring lots of additional stress to my life. They bring joy, but lately I'm starting tot think the stress outweighs the joy. Lets start with relationships. One of my dead relationships over the summer went on for three additional months, because I let it. This man was the last one standing, and I felt like I owed him a chance. The fact that no one else saw my worth and he did meant that I should keep him around. In the early months following the summer, he was persistent. He reassured me. Then he disappeared. After disappearing, he came back and we tried again. This time I decided to try to be the best women I can be to him from a distance. That was when he decided he didn't want to be with me. My best wasn't good enough. Instead of walking away with my pride in tact, I continued to try to reach out to him. He one word responded me and stopped texting me, and I finally learned the time had come to let it go. I'm not what he's looking for. To be honest, I don't think he was looking for love. I know that I was looking for love. There was no point in us even interacting when we want such different things. I think I finally had a moment with he guy I've had a crush on for an eternity. He asked me to dance, but the timing was all wrong. It lead to additional drama with friends, and I didn't even really get to think twice about it. If it was meant to be, that won't be the only olive branch he extends to me.

Friendships. In Girl Scouts we used to sing a song and it goes like this, "make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the others gold. A circles round. It has no end. Thats how long I want to be your friend". It was a beautiful concept. That you go through life making new friends and continue to treasure the old ones. Unfortunately, its not as easy as the song goes. People change. They grow apart. There are only so many hours in the day. I don't have time to balance all my friendships anymore. Each friend get a tiny piece of me and the ones that need me the most get the most of me. While a majority of my friendships are good, some are really struggling. I've never had a friend like one of the ones I have now. She's really been there and challenged me to be more than I am and embrace different parts of me. She's lead me towards good decisions and some bad ones at all, but we've really grown together. But lately, no matter what I do it never seems to be enough. I've never given a friendship this much of myself, and it surprises me that all that I'm giving isn't enough. I literally couldn't give any more. I drop everything down to hang out with her, because I know what she's going through. I listen when its needed and honestly chime in when I feel like she's going in the wrong direction. It really hurts me that whatever it is I'm putting into our friendship isn't enough. There's nothing like being unvalued to the person who is supposed to see the most value in me. I guess I messed up. I danced with the boy she was sleeping with at a party and abandoned her to spend time with the boy I was interested in a party. Were those good things? No. Are they things I believe should end a friendship and be dwelled over? No. I hope we can work through this issue in our friendship, but the last few days thinking all of this over just makes me want to be alone. Its made me really consider a life on my own.

I'm never completely alone. I always have Jesus Christ, My mother, My father, and my baby brother. Through all of it. I'm listening to Jesus paid it all and thinking about what they mean to me is bringing tears to my eyes. My gold star for only crying once today has to be revoked. Their love is everything to me. It is so pure and unconditional. We don't always see everything eye to eye, but I'm always enough to them. I think I want to bury myself into my family and the lord again. Go out less and watch television more. I can't disappoint myself as easily as others can't hurt and disappoint me. A golden example is my birthday. I have all of these "friends" right. Not a single one of them was able to travel with me to celebrate my birthday the way I wanted to. One of them proceeded to tell me they can't afford it, but they do have $500 to meet Selena Gomez (forever a D-lister in my book) and travel to LA to spend time with her sister and cousins. What that translated to for me was that this is what's important to me. Your birthday celebration is not. What more motivation do I need to do things for me? I recently put my birthday trip money towards a brand new 64g iPhone 6s Plus and tickets to see Janet Jackson with my mama. I don't want to spend my birthday with any of the people who didn't see value in what I wanted to do. I understand not having the money, but at the same time other people my age who come from worse conditions are able to find the money to travel and do things with their friends. Maybe I'm selfish, but that's how I feel. I don't want some rinky dink surprise party at the cheesecake factory. I've been eating there since my family discovered it when I was 14. That's nothing special. I only turn 21 once, and I would rather celebrate it alone then doing what a bunch of people thought my big day was worth. I know it was worth more than that. It was worth a 900 phone, Janet Jackson, and all the other little treats I'm going to put it towards. The moral of this friendship and relationship segment is, I chose me. I'm my best friend and my true love. I'm enough for me. Always have been and always will be.

Song of the day : A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion

Quote of the day: Be honest, be true, be you, be OWT

"You're Still the One I Run To, The One That I Belong To/ You're still the One I Want For Life"

I spent my entire life in love with the idea of love. I was (am?) a true hopeless romantic. To be honest, I can't tell you how it started. My parent have been married 23 years. Maybe it was them that made me value love so much. I don't know how long my grandparents on my mom side were married but it was a long time. But now that I think about it, I think my love of love may have been sparked by my mothers love of weddings. When I was little, my mom loved to watch weddings on television. Celebrity weddings, the weddings of friends, and of course her own wedding. We watched and critiqued the gown, the decorations, cake, and everything that went into the special day. It was there that I learned its better to make one of your colors cream, so that you don't end up with a weird clashy situation.I was a flower girl two times, and my mom said that was a blessing. The first time I was nervous, but it was my first time wearing make up. I got to put on eye liner and a little lip gloss. I was only 5. My mom didn't like anyone else doing my hair, so she styled my poof herself. I had a flower headband before it was even popular, and I sang the songs I heard at the wedding for weeks after. It was a special moment. My second time being a flower girl was different. I also associate the memory with my hair. It was the first time my mom let me get it straightened, and I understood the reality of shrinkage. I had a really intricate hair style and felt like a princess. I have a 50% flower girl success rate. One of the couples I was a flower girl for is still together and the other couple broke up a few years after getting married.

Marriage is one of the most beautiful things in the world to me. If you're lucky enough, you come into this life surrounded by love. The love of God, your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, God parents. They're all anxiously waiting to welcome you into the world. I work at a hospital and there's a baby born pretty much every day. It's so fun to see all the people in the waiting room and walking in the room to get the first glimpse. They don't know what the baby will grow up to be, but they do know that they love him or her. Regardless. The love of your family is the truest love you will ever have. They have to love you, because you're their own. Their blood runs through your veins and when they're gone, you'll live on with the values and lifestyle they taught you. There are billions and billions of people in the world that are not your family. They don't have to love you and adore you, but if you're lucky you will find that same kind of love from an outsider. This outsider will go from a stranger to your whole world, and together you'll start a family of your own and pass this love on to your children and their children. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

It's just so hard to find. When I began writing this post a couple days ago, I had every intention of ending it by saying that I am no longer a hopeless romantic. I have lost my belief in love. How did I get here? Oh there were many men who led to this decision. I am a women who has so much love to give. It's in my nature to care for people. Despite recent changes and ups and downs I've faced, I still know that I'm a kind person who wants nothing more than to love and be loved by another. Just like the famous line from Les Miserables states, "To love another person is to see the face of God". I want to have that experience, but it never happens for me. I've gotten to the point where I know that I must be the problem. Love is always in the air in summer time, and I've met some great people this summer and over the course last year. It's the same story over and over again. We meet, there's a spark, we exchange numbers, talk for a month or two. They express how much they'd love to go on a date. Some will actually take you, and others wont. Eventually the number of texts decrease, and one day you're not talking anymore. It ends just as quick as it started. Maybe I say the wrong things. There are men I've been open with that couldn't have been more intimidated by openness and others who I was more vague and mysterious with. Neither route works for me. Some of them want to make out and float on our physical connection, but none of them want to love me. They could care less if I saw the potential to love them.

I'm really tired of hearing the same things. "There is someone for everyone. Your prince will come". "It's not you, it's them". "Maybe you're going for the wrong type of men". "You need to work on yourself before someone can love you". "You're too young to find the one. Just have fun". All this advice is valid, but I really feel like I've done it all. The other night after finally refusing to text the guy I'm interested in first for the millionth time, I decided to search the bible for something about finding love. My mom gave me a bible with verses for every type of feeling you could be having. I searched loneliness. That's how I feel without the one.I unfortunately didn't find anything in the bible along the lines of "How to get a man 101". I know that the way to success in life is to seek God and get lost in him. So that's what i'll do. I'll get lost and pray that there's someone out there for me to marry, and make lots and lots of beautiful natural haired babies with. He needs to hurry up, because I already found my flower girl dresses of choice.

Song of the Day : You're Still the One by Shania Twain

Quote of the day : "A women's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek him in order to find her"

"I Hope You Learn To Make It On Your Own, and If You Love Yourself Just Know You'll Never Be Alone"

Defeat. It's the word of the day, week, month, and year. I am defeated. I was defeated by life, by the deans at school, by my boss at work, and by myself. I made a blog in May about going from having everything to nothing, and now it's official. All the loose ends are tied. I have nothing. I have been forced to start over and deal with the consequences of my mistakes. To my defense, at least I'm not a theif, crack addict, young unwed mother, or something that goes hand in hand with those other life possibilities. When it first sunk in that all these terrible things were happening to me, it didn't help to think of how much worse it could be. It also didn't help to think about how much better things could be, because I was stuck on the work it would take to get there. I've lost so much time. I've lost faith in so many different things. I have lost a lot. If there was a second word of the week, that would be it. Loss.

1. I lost my life plan. I had a career that I was looking forward to practicing. I had made all the right steps to get there. I was looking forward to a life better than anything I've ever experienced. The Land Rovers and double staircase that were going to come along with that career are gone as well now.

2. I lost my job. I hated most of my time in this position. I complained about it all the time, but when it was gone it hurt. Just because that's just one more way I have to start over. I haven't started applying for new positions yet, so I'm sure there will be a period of extreme brokenness coming soon.

3. I lost the guy, and another one, and another one. The one that really matters was everything. I hadn't connected with a man that way in so long. We clicked, we had chemistry, and he was everything I wanted and more. I broke through my insanity and talked to him first. We took me on a trip through the world of "we" and "dates". None of which happened. He went from interested to evaporated. No where to be found. He just didn't put in enough initiative. I don't know why.

The other guy approached me. It was on a night where I felt beautiful in all white and gold jewelry. He had spotted me in a club and happened to be in the same restaurant as me after. He was so charming. No I didn't feel the same sparks as I felt with the other man, but we connected. He was an excellent texter and kept it going. He got me to like him. It took time and effort. When I did fall for him, he did what all black men do : evaporated.

The last one I'm embarrassed to even talk about. He was smooth and our chemistry was very physical. I was easily charmed, but we're not on our way to being boyfriend and girlfriend. That's for sure.


I've lost a lot. I've finally wiped my tears and found the courage to move on. It wasn't easy. There were a lot of tears. More tears than I've had at any point in my life thus far. I'm not a crier publicly or privately. I just don't think it helps much or solves the problem. While evaluating so many different things about myself, I realized why I despise crying publicly so much. I hate sympathy. There's nothing worse than people feeling sorry for me. Looking at me with those "You poor thing" puppy dog eyes. I understand that people do it because they care about you and want to be there for you, but I hate every single second of it. That's why I avoid talking to people about how I feel after negative things and crying. This was all more than I have ever had to handle. I finally reached the point where I did have to cry in front of the people that I love and express how terrible I felt. I was legit depressed.  I slept all the time and didn't really feel like looking cute or going out and doing anything. When I did go out and do things, I didn't enjoy them. I was still dwelling on all the negatives. I have moved past that as well.

 I had to learn that things do not always go as you have planned. I have to find a way to enjoy the journey of the new plan and deal with whatever outcomes it will bring. I have to start over. I really hope that this wasn't the beginning of my luck running out. I hope it was just life telling me that something needs to change. Here's to change, whatever's next, and the one that won't evaporate.

Song of the Day: One Man Can Change the World - Big Sean (I may be the only girl in the world who cried to Big Sean. I really felt like he was talking to me in the beginning of this song. Having hope and believing in someone is a beautiful thing. Who knew I would get that encouragement from a random rapper)

Quote of the Day : If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. - Maya Angelou 

"I'm Fallin' In And Out of Love With You / I Never Loved Someone The Way That I Love You"

Artists I've seen Live (updated)

1. Lil Wayne
2. Trey songz (x4) - Met twice.
3. Ty$
4. Kid Ink
5. Chris Brown
6. Nicki Minaj
7. Snoop dog
8. Big Sean (saw him. High fived me after his concert)
9. French Montana
10. Asap Ferg
11. Drake (x2)
12. Jhenae Aiko
13. Future (x3) - Has the best team in the world. We kicked it before the show, and I got a picture after.
14. Rico Love
15. Alicia Keys
16. Neyo
17. Jordin Sparks
18. Lady Gaga
19. Taylor Swift (x3)
20. Demi Lovato - Met her. The video has a ton of views on youtube.
21. Enrique Iglasias
22. Pitbull
23. Justin Bieber
24. Cody Simpson
25. Carly Rae Jepson
26. George Clinton
27. Kellie Pickler
28. Gloriana
29. Florida Georgia Line
30. Bruno Mars (x2)
31. Janelle Monae
32. T.I.
33. Sevyn Streeter
34. Tyga
35. Usher
36. Miguel (x4)
37. Ed Sheeran
38. B.o.B.
39. Elle Verner
40. Fetty Wap - Met him as I was in line to get into his club appearance. His eye really is messed up and he was highly intoxicated. But not to intoxicated to deny me a picture.
41. Justin Timberlake
42. Kendrick Lamar

The list is pretty impressive if I say so myself. The artists that I still would like to see live include :

1. Rihanna
2.Eminem
3. Janet Jackson
4. Madonna
5. Celine Dion (She has a concert on NYE in Las Vegas just days after I turn 21. I think I'm going to try and find a way to be there)
6. Toni Braxton
7. Adele (she should honestly be on the top of the list. It's been forever since shes released new music, but her songs still touch my soul. Her voice is breathtakingly beautiful. I need to get like her)
8. Beyonce
9. Britney Spears
10. Hunter Hayes
11. Carrie Underwood
12. Katy Perry
13. Kelly Clarkson
14. Mariah Carey (she is way way way way way up on the list. Should be number one honestly)
15. Tamar Braxton

My first concert was Alicia Keys. She was my role model growing up, and I'm not ashamed to say that. Granted this was before she stole another women's husband, but that's her personal business. I started playing piano because I was fascinated by her art. I still remember watching her perform Fallin' with the cornrows and weird jumpsuits on Good Morning America. The concert was everything to me. I was amazed and so was my mom. It was her first real concert too. It sparked my interest in live music and getting to see the greats of our time. Before making this list, I didn't even realize there had already been 42 artists. Here's to the next 42.

Song of the Day : Fallin' by Alicia Keys

Quote of the Day : "We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated" - Dr. Maya Angelou

"Cause I'm the Wizard of Love and I got the magic wand. All those other girls are tempting, but I'm empty when you're gone"

Oh the Places I'll Go and the Places I've Been

North America :

UNITED STATES -

California - Los Angeles, San Francisco
Favorite Memory : The Chris Brown & Trey Songz concert at the Forum. When Trey was up there singing Bottoms Up and Nicki Minaj made a surprise entrance. I was in shock. Nicki is a Queen. Lucky to have experienced her live.

Delaware
Favorite Memory : I didn't actually do any site seeing in Deleware. I went to the gas station and had dinner at my parents friends house. I loved the table setting. There were candles, and all the plates and utensils matched. She even had cloth napkins beautifully folded in napkin rings. I would like to serve family meals like that at my future home.

Florida - Orlando (Disney World)
Favorite Memory : Seeing Cinderellas castle get bigger and bigger as we walked towards it. The safari ride we took in Animal Kingdom where they pretended that a poacher as approaching and the car got faster and faster. Hanging out in the pool outside the Hurby Fully Loaded Themed hotel with my family. Just the four of us. Swimming and enjoying the sun.

Illinois - Chicago
Favorite Memory : Navy Pier. I love that area. It's peaceful and there are all kinds of beautiful boats. We got there around sunset, so we got to see the city of chicago from the view of the ferris wheel.

Kansas - Lawrence, Topeka, Kansas City, Eudora, Desoto, Wichita, Elmdale
Favorite Memory: My entire life. I have made too many memories here to chose just one, so i'll give you my most recent one. I took a road trip to see Lil Wayne in concert. Our hotel room got upgraded to a penthouse sweet. My friend and I each got our own room and bathroom. Kitchen and living room. Multiple televisions. It was fabulous.

New York - New York City
Favorite Memory: Time Square. There is nothing in the entire world like it. So many people, so many sky scrapers, so many colors and languages being spoken. It's beautiful. Leaves me speechless every time I go.

New Jersey - Atlantic City, (city extremely close to NYC where our hotel was)
Favorite Memory : Swimming and having a picnic on the jersey shore with my mom, brother, cousins, and aunt and uncle. We spent the whole day there jumping waves and enjoying the water.

Maryland - Hyattsville, Columbia, Landover, and so many other cities I can't remember.
Favorite Memory : Once again, there are too many to count. Lets stick with the one in my head now. I'm currently trying to diet, and I miss food. A Georgetown cupcake would hit the spot right about now. So my afternoon with Neema in Georgetown in my favorite memory.

Massachusetts - Boston
Favorite Memory : I was extremely young, but i'll never forget going to this kiddy grocery store that had a ton of plastic foods and stuff and was the size of a real grocery store but had miniature carts and shelves. I got to push my cart and pick all these plastic materials that I wanted. They even had fake money to check out with. I'll never forget it.

Minnesota - Bloomington
Most Bitersweet Memory : My family friends were all in Minnesota for a friends wedding. All of us kids were so excited to see each other. We couldn't wait to get into the hotel pool. My parents asked me if I wanted to go to the mall or swim. It was a no brainer. I wanted to swim with friends. Turns out they weren't going to just any mall, they were going to the mall of America. I still have regrets.

Missouri - Kansas City, Columbia, St. Charles, St. Louis
Favorite Memories : Although I've been up the arch multiple times and done all the site seeing there, my favorite memories are afternoons with the Zanzibarian community. My favorite would be my second time being a flower girl. I got to wear a beautiful white dress and get my hair straightened for the first time. I felt like a princess.

Nebraska - Omaha
Favorite Memory : Cheesecake factory with my advisor and the line sister. We had equiste food and shared lots of laughs. I must admit it was my most boring trip ever though. I was in sorority meetings all weekend long and the "party" was a serious disappointment.

Oregon - Portland
Favorite Memory : Shopping at the outdoor mall. There is no sales tax in Oregon, so I bought way more than I usually would. I still see some of those outfits in my head today.

Pennsylvania - Philadelphia
Washington DC
Washington State - Seattle, Renton, Kirland, Kent, Bellvue
West Virginia - Unknown city where Uncle Alex and Jennifer lived
Virginia - Fairfox and many other cities I have forgotten

CANADA
Ontario - Toronto, Stratford, Niagra Falls

Europe :

THE UNITED KINGDOM
England - London, North Hampton, Milton Keyes

FRANCE
Paris, Provonce

SPAIN
Barcelona, Costa Brava

Asia

UNITED ARAB EMIRATES
Dubai

OMAN
Moscat

Africa

TANZANIA
Zanzibar, Dar es Salaam

KENYA
Mombasa


People at work were having a conversation about their favorite places, and it got me thinking about all the places I have been. I am extremely proud of my travels. I know that I have been to more places than a majority of the people I know, and a majority of the people in Kansas. I'm blessed with parents who valued vacations and seeing new things. We went on a lot of adventures, and I can't wait to return the favor by taking them on many more someday.I get to go to Houston, Texas next month and I'm really looking forward to it. Texas will be another state to check of my list. After all these places and all these memories, you can see why I get kind of annoyed when people don't take my travel suggestions seriously.

It's also slightly annoying when friends want to vacation to places I've already been. I'm on a mission to see as many new places as possible. It is my hope and prayer that I am able to travel for my 21st birthday. It will be during finals week as always, so I think I want to go after Christmas. I'd like to celebrate the new year in a brand new place.

Appealing possibilities :

1. Las Vegas, Nevada
2. Miami, Florida
3. Atlanta, Georgia

A 21st birthday should be celebrated somewhere with good night life. I haven't been to any of those places, so it would be nice to bring in the new year and celebrate the beginning of my 21st year of life there. Hopefully I can get some loved ones to take this adventure with me.

Side Note : I'm too lazy to finish my favorite memories. I may come back and do it later.

Song of the Day: Cheerleader by Omi

Quote of the Day : “We travel, some of us forever, to seek other places, other lives, other souls.” – Anais Ninre

"Pretty, pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're nothing. You are perfect to me."

In the midst of multiple discussions that have been sparked by Caitlyn Jenner this week, I saw this tweet.

"Kim got a fake ass. Y'all hate it. Kylie got fake lips. Y'all hate it. Bruce got a fake pussy. "slaaaaaay" Smh Dude"

I understand that the word choice used by this particular twitter user was extremely derogitory, but he has a point. Why are a majority of us happy for Caitlyn? Why am I happy for Caitlyn? Because she finally found joy. For 65 years, he was unahppy being the way he was born. She took a stand and decided to do someting about it. Why doesn't the same apply for women who choose to change parts of themselves. I have friends who are pro-LGBT changes and against Nicki Minaj's big fat ass, big big fat assss dun dun dun dun dun... you know the rest *Anaconda voice*. The friends who are against Nicki's behind or change in looks act as though the fact that her features are fake invalidate her beauty. But Caitlyn's beauty and entire gender is "fake" right? This tweet got me thinking. Why is there this double standard?

I recently read Toni Braxton's autobiography, and it gave me life. She is a women who has faced divorce, the birth of an autistic child, a lupus diagnosis, and a family that was completely dependent on her up until the reality show that gave everyone a source of income. Upon entering the music industry, she had to have surgery to fix her breathing and better her singing. Her employers at the time said it was the perfect time for her to get her nose fixed too. She went through a series of surgeries that made her nose thinner. It was done in multiple steps in order to fool the public. She also had a boob job, and said that this is common for all artists who are entering the industry. It helps give them the icon status they need to succeed. Is this wrong? Should we condemn her and her sisters for making these changes? Is it or is it not like Caitlyn Jenner's physical change?

I guess the validation for a sex change being more important than a lip injection is that sexuality is a far bigger matter than just not liking yourself. I would like to argue that Kylies lips, Kims butt, and Nicki's as well are a part of their sexuality as well. Nicki became this black sex symbol with her anaconda cover that had her in a thong. Kim pulls a lot of black man who like her what? Charming personality? Yes, that and her butt. Some of these changes the women made actually had a big effect on their sexuality. I think that if we're backing physical changes for the sake of happiness, it should apply to all people. All I'm saying is it's time my plastic surgery beauties got some acceptance for their choices as well. Should I choose to get the fat sucked out of my stomach and injected into my butt, I hope all of you who supported Caitlyn Jenner support my change as well.

Just food for thought.

Song of the day: Perfect by Pink

Quote of the day : "I think tolerance and acceptance and love is something that feeds every community". - Lady Gaga

"I can't change. Even if I tried. Even If I wanted to. My love. My love. My love. She keeps me warm."

Caitlyn Jenner. On June 1st, 2015 she broke the internet. I keep up with the Kardashians and I have from the VERY beginning. Back when Kim had a different face, and Kylie had no lips. She was a little 10 year old girl who liked to play stripper on her moms pole. Negativity aside, I love the Kardashians. I think there's a lot of beauty in the family. I like that there are so many of them and truly admire their sisterly bond. They're hardworking women who look flawless every day. I'm typing this at my job in my scrubs and unstraightened hair. Far from glamorous. I get to experience that side of life through them. Bruce has always been a footnote in the show. I found it quite annoying when he demanded to walk Khloe down the aisle even though he's not her biological father. I thought it was silly that he got upset about finding out about her engagement online. I felt bad for him when Kris wouldn't let him buy his toys. The entire storyline was : Bruce likes to golf and buy toy helicopters. That was all there was too him...until this year. At first I didn't believe that Bruce was really transitioning. The media makes up all kinds of lies about the Kardashians, but then I saw the picture of him with red nail polish on and realized it was serious.

I grew up in a christian household. As a young child, we watched my Best Friends Wedding. She had a gay best friend. I adored the movie and so did my mother, so we watched it together over and over and over again. If you haven't seen it, you should check it out. It has a young Cameron Diez and Julia Roberts. Beautiful scenes and great music. After watching the movie for the millionth time, I asked what gay meant. My Dad got angry and told me that I shouldn't be watching that kind of movie. He's always gone from zero to one hundred real quick, so my aunt interviened and then said : It's a bad word, sweety. Don't say that anymore. So until I finally made it to the world of public school, I had no idea what it meant. That and church shaped my initial outlook on the LGBT community. As I got older, one of my aunts actually got in a partnership. She didn't want me to know, but her partner told me. She wanted me to get emotional and ask questions, but I didn't really care. I still believe that same sex relationships are a sin. As a women of christinan faith, I can clearly read that homosexuality is not allowed. Just like sex with animals isn't allowed, premarital sex, lying, stealing, and the list goes on and on. There are lots of sins. But I have no write to dislike someone else, because of their sin of choice. I'm a sinner myself. I have even come to believe that if homosexuals know Jesus, they too can go to heaven. This is a big thing for me, because I struggled on my beliefs for a long time.

Back to Caitlyn. I missed the Diane Sawyer interview, because I had finals coming up. I did get to see the About Bruce special. It opened my eyes to so many different things I had never thought about it before. First, I truly understood what a transgender was. I was taught that being transgender doesn't necissarily mean that you had a sex change. I also learned the effects it can have on a family. The dad that they had known and loved all these years is just a memory now. There were so many tears. It truly felt like someone in the Kardashinan/Jenner family had died. Some of them got sad and other got angry. It was a lot for a family to go through. I truly felt for their family. Apparantly, a majority of them had known about Bruce having female tendancies for a long time. They just never knew how to approach him about it. I think he made the right decision for his life and that his family will come around and get used to the change.

My parents still believe that Bruce transitioned and is doing the show for attention. I believe what he said. That he's using his platform to help others who suffered through what he did. To be a leader and an example. They asked me if thats what I wanted to see people being lead to. Losing their gender. In all honesty, no. If I had a transgender child, I would love them with all my heart but it wouldn't be my wish for them. Just because it's SO hard. People judge you and treat you a certain way. They're rude and heartless. It makes life harder. Idk these are just some initial thoughts. The follow up is still to come.

Song of the day : Same love by Maclemore

Quote of the day:

"I'm not doing this to be interesting. I'm doing this to live." - Caitlyn Jenner

"And The World Thought I Had It All, But I Was Waiting For You"

I'm really excited to be able to make follow up blogs. I never used to do these, because I was practicing insanity. I would complain about things on here, and never really do anything to change them. On Sunday 5/24/2015, I stopped practicing insanity. For the first time since prince not so charming forever ago, I chased a man. I met him at a banquet, and he looks quite handsome in grey. We sat next to each other during the program and had a wonderful time. One thing led to another, and I didn't get the chance to really say goodbye. Hes been on my mind ever since. Fear kept me from saying anything to him, or seeing if he felt the same way. Well, I contacted him and believe it or not he felt something too. We have plans to hang out now. We'll see how it goes. Fingers crossed this is the first step of something beautiful between him and I, and the end of me practicing insanity. If you want different results, you've got to do something differently. If I didn't get it before, I do now. Think Different.

Quote of the Moment : Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. - Steve Jobs

"Let the rain come down and wash away my tears. Let it fill my soul and drown my fears. Let it shatter the walls for a new sun. A new day has come"

Today I learned that Insanity is defined by the late and great Albert Einstein as, "Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results." Finally I had a word to describe my fearful self: crazy. I know I can't be the only one who struggles with this type of insanity. I live in a box of rules I created for myself. Some of these rules were inspired by my parents. Some were inspired by friends I admired or friends who made mistakes that I could learn from. Others came from my religion, and those often came with confusion. Are those rules unecissary, because the old testement has been cleared away by the words of the new testement? Does that make everyone who shares my faith and choses to participate in those things anyways sinners? The first few rules that pop in my head are :

1. Donate. I try and stop to give to homeless people, earthquake victims, children's miracle network, and anything un-animal related as often as possible. Why not animals? Well, I personally don't believe in funding a dog home or sweater when there's people in the world that don't have clean water yet. It seems like those priorities are all wrong.

2. Avoid yelling and ratchet behavior. I've never fought someone and I never will. I don't get angry. Ever. Do I get frustrated? Yes. Especially when people take advantage of me or attempt to minimize the accomplishments in my life. But I suffer through it, because this is a life rule I have for myself.

3. Never cry in public. That is the ultimate sign of weakness. I have stuck by this one since the first grade, but I'm slowly learning that it's okay if someone sees me cry. It started with my parents and my brother, and now a couple cousins have seen me cry as well. The world did not crash or burn.

4. Being brutally honest with myself, because if I'm not who will be?

5. Avoiding things I consider imoral: tattoos, drugs, alcahol, meangingless sex. Basically anythign that could get you in a rock n roll band must be avoided. I can't go to rockfest.

Honestly, the list could go on and on. But these are the kind of rules I have for myself. I don't even have to think about it anymore. Their engrained in my life and I just live that way. Even when they have failed me, I have stuck to my rules. Partly because change is scary. Partly because they support my fear of failure and rejection. Partly because I was convinced they worked for everyone else.

You know when your mom asked, "If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?". It was a very good question and a lesson I finally learned this week. Two people that I've been admiring this week completely surprised me. The first is the Duggar family. I've been obsessed with their show 19 Kids and Counting, because they are living proof that you can be a good christian girl and find love and happiness. Yes, its rare and only happens to dirty blond girls in arkansas, but I still hung on to the hope that if it happened to them it could happen to me. Little did I know that the oldest Duggar child molested five girls in his teens. His family covered up from him and made sure he didn't have to do jail time or have serious consequences. He didn't even deny the store. It's terrible, because this means that the family wasn't as perfect as I thought they were. They've made huge mistakes themselves and they sell the lie to people like me on television. I haven't watched the show since finding out what happened. It lost it's magic.

The second huge surprise came from one of my closest friends. After contemplating it, I realized that although we're close in age shes been a role model as well as a friend this entire time. She finally opened up to me about some things we'd never talked about, and I was really surprised to see this side of her. I always put her in this perfect people category, and I was so glad that she was finally able to share her struggles with me. All of these things made me realize no matter how many rules you set for yourself, you will never be perfect. Jesus Christ was the only perfect being. Now I'm at a crossroads in deciding weather I want to still strive to be as perfect as possible OR except that I'm going to make mistakes and live life as fully as possible. When I decide, I'll let you all know. Adios for now loves.

Quote of the day : "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein

Song of the day : A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion

You Don't Get Another Chance. Life Is No Nintendo Game.

For the first time in my life, I feel completely alone. I have no where to go. No one to turn to. I've reached a dead end. Rock bottom. I have a failed. I am a loser. These are the thoughts that have been running through my head ever since I finished my last final of the semester. I needed an A in order to finish with a B in the class, and I didn't not accomplish that. I needed to get a good GPA to remain in my program, and I don't believe I accomplished that either. Sooner rather than later, I will be dismissed from my program. Everything I've worked so hard for will be gone.

I was in junior high when I decided I wanted to be a pharmacist. I was a little girl dreaming of a Mercades Benz. Growing up that was the symbol of unahievable for me. My father has always wanted a Benz and has never been able to afford one. People who went to college and got jobs that resulted in big paychecks got to drive Mercades Benz's. I wanted to shop at American Eagle and the $30 price tags were out of my families budget. I was tired of not being able to afford things and decided that I would find a way to get that big paycheck and remove myself from my current situation. I would never look at price tags, and my dad would drive a Benz. Pharmacy was the way to do that. I excelled in school and did everything right in order to end up where I need to be. I put everything I have into achieving that goal.

Pharmacy school has been difficult. It required complete focus, and I just wasn't able to do that. The timing was wrong. This year I became the social butterfly that I never was. I joined a sorority, and it opened a wide variety of doors for me. I was finally meeting people and having fun. Making the kid of memories young girls are supposed to make at college. I guess I got lost in this new world and forgot that I've never been "that girl". The one that gets the best of both worlds and gets to have these experiences. I forgot that I wasn't in school for just me, but my family. I needed this change for myself and all of them. I forgot that you don't get another chance, life is no nintendo game. I snuck into clubs I wasn't old enough to go to, and hung out in dorms with attractive football players with girlfriends. I wore crop tops and strolled through parties. I thought I won, but I really lost.

Those football players who I wasted time with had tutors and people to help them. Their majors were not pharmacy, and they had the time to hang out. I didn't. An entire year of buying expensive weaves and perfecting my make ups in hopes that "someone great" would find me desirable and loveable, was a waste. I'm not the pretty girl that gets the guy. I've always known that deep down inside, but society tells you not to give up. The princess kissed the frog and the underdog always wins. This underdog didn't win. I didn't win, because I don't drink and get tipsy enough to make mistakes. I didn't win because I can't flirt to save my life. I didn't win, because I'm not ready to give up my purity to someone who can't even pronounce my name. I lost.

My sorority sisters who I texted all day and spent so much time with, passed their classes. They achieved their goals and strived in their programs. They will graduate and achieve their dreams, I will not. They succeeded in attracting the athletes, frat boys, VIP party types, and even the one boy I wanted more than anything in the world. They got what it is I gave everything that matters and that's important to me up. I didn't. In a year they will all go on to achieve great things in life, and leave me right where I started. Square one. No job, no education, no money, no man, no success.

My friends who were good and always led me towards success are not a factor in this story. They too will graduate and achieve great things very shortly, but they always kept me on the track to success. When it was just us, I always strived. It feels wrong not to include them in this.

It hurts to be in this position. It hurts to disappoint so many people. It hurts that I disappointed myself. It hurt that out of all these people in my life, I have no one to turn to. I'm embarassed. I don't want to tell anyone what I'm going through. In the midst of my continuous crying and the mourning of my dream, I texted my line sister and called my aunt. Both were great sources of encouragement, but I still can't help but feel the immense weight of my failures.

It hurts that I prayed, so hard and God didn't deliver me from this particular obstacle. For one of the first times in my life, I didn't get an answer to my prayer. I feel like I did when I lose my cousin and sweet friend. I don't understand. The holy word says that with the faith of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain. That those who trust in the LORD, will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. I am not soaring. I watch everyone else in my life live in sin. Literally everyone. And things are going good and well for them. I'm the one who's not live life to the fullest, because of my fear of hell and fear of losing. Because the word says that those who follow his commandments will see the fruit of their labors. I got nothing.

My story doesn't end here. As my aunt kept reminding me, this is a death of a dream. Not the end of my life. I will appeal the dismissal when it comes. If they chose not to let me in their program, I will find a new program. I won't have the cushion of my scholarships anymore because most of them are up in four years. I won't have a job anymore, because I was hired on the basis of being a student intern. I won't have school friends anymore, because they'll all have graduated. I'll learn to be alone.

Who know's what's next for me? I spent my evening dwelling on the Invictus poem. Now that I'm at rock bottom, the only place I can go is up.

Poem of the Day :

Out of the night that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.

"There is no higher worth in all the earth, but to love you how I love you"

My spring break has ended, and I'm sad about it. April will be one of the toughest months of my college career. I have to get my grades in pretty much ever class up or else my journey to be a pharmacist and life plan is over, I have a 90th anniversary weekend to put on for my chapter, and a week of events for my very first Delta Week. Thinking about this has me on the verge of tears. The weight of the world is literally on my shoulder. I click on my christian radio station and Christy Nockels comes on singing,

"And all I've needed is you Jesus. All my wanting is satisfied somehow. There is no higher worth in all the earth but to love you, how I love you. No greater call. No life at all, but to love you how I love you"

Among the other worries that come with carrying the weight of the world, I've been so busy looking for love. I got a text message from a fairly eligible boy. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was just finishing church. He didn't respond because I mentioned the Lord. That's what my friends told me at least. I was so busy worrying about this silly boy and all the other that  I forgot that I've already experienced the GREATEST love story ever told. The one between God and I. God's love is patient, his love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud... It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. his love NEVER fails. Another verse comes to mind, "Greater love has no one than this, to lay down ones life for a friend"

I've been so overwhelmed during this period of lent that I've failed to give anything up and failed to dwell on the ultimate sacrifice Jesus Christ made for me. He died, so I can live fully and free of the burden of my sin. He took the weight holding me down, and I'm so silly for still trying to carry it. Still searching for the kind of love I've had since before I was born. God is the life, the truth, and the way. I really hope that I can continue to find the answers I'm looking for through him and stop trying to look in all the wrong places. I'm continuing to grow in my faith. The message I want to leave you with is plain and simple: God is Love. I am loved. You are loved. His love is all we need.

I Don't Wanna Be Anything Other Than What I've Been Trying to Be Lately

I've avoided this long enough and even contemplated not making them at all. I think the time has finally come for me to write my New Years Resolutions. I've lost an entire month and a half at this point, because I was scared to face the things that need to change in my life. I'm glad to say that I'm in a better place now. I cried out to God, and he heard my cry. He gave me all the answers I was looking for. Not all of them were the answers I wanted to hear, but I coped and learned to move past all the burdens I was carrying.

1. To Stop Underestimating my Lord and Savior. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and the only thing that gets in the way of that is me and my lack of faith. The first step to getting to a better place was me figuring out how to admit I lacked the faith I once had. It took awhile, but I got it back to the size of a mustardseed, That's all it takes to move the mountains in my life. I've officially rejoined bible study, and I hope to continue to attend and grow with that beautiful group of people.

2. To love selectively, because not all people are worth of the pure form of love I have to give. If I started writing these resolutions a month ago, this would have been the number one thing on my list. I'm fed up with giving all of me to so many different people and getting way less than that back. I'm done with glorifying people who haven't earned my admiration. That's one thing I would like to see change in my life this year.

3. School. I'm is a desperate place in my education. The courses I'm in are way harder than I ever thought they would be and there never seems to be enough time to learn the material and perform well. I can't have this semester be a repeat of last semester. This scares me, because we're already almost halfway through! I will persevere through pharmacy school and make it to graduation.

4. I need to create more time for myself. Most of my time is split between school, work, the wide variety of friend groups I have, and all the clubs and organizations I'm involved in. It's overwhelming and I rarely have a second to myself. Last week I gave myself an hour to watch Being Mary Jane, and it was the best part of my week. That was one of the few hours I have to do what I wanted to do.

5. To continue to embrace the things that make me different. I don't have to fit into the box that Delta, Pharmacy School, my family, and other institutions have created for me. I can be a black girl who's okay with being overweight, enjoys how I look without makeup, jams to Taylor Swift instead or T-Raww, and spends an unfathomable amount of money on concerts instead of alcohol. I can continue to embrace the things that make me different.

6. I don't want to chase things anymore. I feel like I'm always working to finish my own story and chase after what I think is right for me or what I think I need. I just want to let things be and find a way to be happy in whatever predicament I'm in.

7. I want my friendships to grow into the kind where it's okay to have tough conversations. Where constructive criticism can be given to help each other grow. I'm blessed with wonderful friends, but have been forced to question them a bit lately. We've kind of hit a wall that will make it difficult for us to grown into better people with each others help. I hear a lot about my friends from outside sources and get contradicting stories with conversations with them. I had a friend lie to me, so that I wouldn't visit her. After I worked tirelessly to get someone to work for her, so I can go over there and show her that her supporting me didn't go unappreciated. Fights among friends have forced me to chose sides which is awkward. I haven't talked to any of them about any of this, because they are all sensitive people and it won't be a conversation that leads to much outside of anger. That frustrates me.

And that ends my list. For now. There are a few hundred other things I would like to work on, but I don't want to drag this out more then I already have. I'll take the time to focus on these seven things. Plus being less jealous and losing weight. I just don't know how to spin those things into something deep and beautiful. One Tree Hill is back in my life. It'll lead to positive changes. I just know it.

Song of the day : I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin Degraw

Quote of the day: "Every day is a new beginning. Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be".

"You Break Me Like a Promise. So Casually Cruel in the Name of Being Honest"

After about three months of avoidance, I'm ready to write this blog. Like any writer, or wanna be writer I built up to this moment. I played piano for an hour and went through every dramatic Taylor Swift Song I know how to play. Then I let myself listen to the ones I can't play on my phone. Last Kiss is currently playing for those who are curious. We just got to my favorite line in this piece, "You can plan on a change in the whether or time, but I never planned on you changing your mind". He changed his mind. Who is he you ask? Dave from the blog titled "If You Need More Love From Me, I'll Give You More. Just Let Me Know". It was actually the blog that ended our textuationship for good. After writing down all the thoughts going through my mind and how I felt, it seemed only right to send him the link. It could've gone up or down, but it went down. I can't say I'm too surprised. Every time I wanted to talk about what we are, what he wants to become, and how I feel about him he avoided the subject like the plague. Probably because he knew deep in his heart that he didn't want to be anything. Even though this thought completely contradicted stuff he previously said. We didn't talk about the blog, he just stopped talking to me.

As much as I wish I could say it was easy to cut that bitch off *snip, snip* it wasn't. I attempted to talk about the blog, completely change the subject, snapchat him photos worthy of the pretty titty committee, asked if he wanted to have sex, and sent a cute video of me. Some attempts got reactions and others didn't but none of them did the trick. He moved on. Away from me. I honestly don't think that I did anything wrong. He didn't give me an opportunity to show him who I am in person or see how we click. He didn't give me an opportunity to get closure and talk about what exactly I did to push him over the edge. He didn't sadly say goodbye or angrily tell me to leave him alone. He left my life just as quickly and quietly as he came into it. I didn't cry like I thought I would. I didn't sulk, because honestly who has the time? I put to practice two pieces of advice given to me by two of my three beautiful line sisters. I used the "sleep it away method". The one day I really was hurt and just slept and woke up brand new. Then I deleted all the messages he didn't respond to/said dumb stuff too up to the last good conversation and left it at that. That's what I wanted to remember. He left me with questions, but mostly lessons. I learned what I want and want I should avoid the next time. I also closed myself off more. Some things I learned about what I want in the future.

1. A man that is courteous. Courteous is defined as polite, respectful, or considerate. These are three important traits in any of lifes many relationships. If you're polite, you wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt my feelings. If you're respectful you'll be upfront with me, and if you're considerate you won't waste my time when you know that I'm not the one for you.

2. A man that doesn't have too many female friends. I'm not as secure as I thought I was. If you have ten female friends who are all unmarried, it'll make me curious and I'll waste precious moments of my life instagram stalking for MCM posts or some signs that they don't want you just like I do. It also makes me question your sexuality just a little bit. Cause if you're not into them, and they're not into you, then maybe you all are too comfortable together.

3. A man that has a freaky side. I can take nice, awkward Christian boy. There's nothing wrong with that, and I think it's cute when boys are slightly nervous. But if I want to be flirty or tap into a different side of our relationship, you should be ready to do that too. There's nothing attractive about me having to take that kind of lead.

4. A man that has good conversation skills. That's the number one thing I miss about Dave. Our conversations. We talked about everything from his friends, to my friends, to greek life, to Ferguson, and political activism. The conversations were fun and enlightening and that's something I really desire to have in a relationship.

5. A man that is close. Living in the same city is important, because then you have mutual friends or acquaintances and he doesn't get to be such a mystery all the time. If you're having a bad day, he can easily be there for you. You can actually do things together.

6. A man that doesn't need an app or a website to approach me. Once that life brings to me and is brave enough to speak and let their feelings and intentions be known.

7. A man that won't leave. The end.

Songs of the Day :

Clean by Taylor Swift
All Too Well by Taylor Swift
You're Not Sorry by Taylor Swift
Forever and Always by Taylor Swift
White Horse by Taylor Swift
Last Kiss by Taylor Swift

If you're ready to let and move on to what's next, these songs will get you through it. Quickly and efficiently. They're all fairly easy to play on the piano too.

Quote of the day: "We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly".

"I had to set you free. Away from me. To see clearly the way that love can be when you are not with me. I had to live. I had to leave"

I spent years of my life in love with the idea of love. Not the love that exists in this generation. Nothing like what Tyga and Blacc Chyna had when he rescued her from the strip club or what young jayhawks in situationships think they feel for each other, but love. The definition I knew goes as follows: "Love is patient. Love is Kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always hurts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love...Never..Fails." Every single word has so much power, but I always get stuck on love never fails. You can have fights, change personalities, and be separated by distance and death. But love never fails. It was this kind of love that the me of my youth so deeply longed for. The kind of love that can only be seen in Nicholas Sparks books and movies. So I dove into them and clung to every word. I spent all my time reading books like this and listening to my William and Kate playlist. I was active in church because the love of God kept me going. I had no doubt that Corinthians 13 love is what I felt for my parents., my brother, my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I still do feel it for them. They are the light of my life.

Somewhere along the line, I lost faith in that kind of love. I listen to my friends talk about the people that they're with. The stories that come to mind is the girl who slept with a guy for months without knowing he had a girlfriend. The boy who claims to feel deeply and passionately about a spectacular woman, but can't give her commitment, kissing, or cuddling. No type of affection whatssoever. Back to Blacc Chyna. She bore a child for a man she loved, but it was so easy for him to leave her for a 17 year old girl who clearly lacks good parents and a sense of direction. The star of the football team who dates the prettiest girl I have ever seen outside of a television. Hair done, nails, done, everything did. Drives a luxurious car and has weave down to her butt. Not an ounce of fat on the girl. He has what we are all so encouraged by society to strive to be. He cheated on her for a regular KCK girl with a boyfriend and a big butt. These are the images of "love" I am surrounded with. Who wouldn't lose faith in times like this?

I recently had a conversation with three guys and a girl about The Notebook. A movie I think is beautiful in every way. All four people I was with proceeded to trash the movie. The fact that he was committed enough to a woman to send a letter every day for a year (365 days) wasn't beautiful, it was "creepy". The cutest guy in the group said that, "If I send you one text message and you don't respond, it's over." The fact that he built the house they wanted to live in on faith alone, because he had no idea whether she'd come back alone was "stupid". The fact that she found love in someone else during their time apart made her a "thot". So ends the discussion of The Notebook and my fantasies. I had to end the conversation saying, "I know that this type of thing wouldn't happen in real life but.."

I'm a good girl, and I was taught to believe that that's not worth something. My body's a temple and I refuse to let it get played with by silly sex obsessed boys with HPV and Clamydia. I refuse to be the side chick or an extra in someone elses love story. I refuse to be with someone that doesn't love me enough to give me the simple things I crave. I want something more for myself. So I guess I realized its better to not be loved at all than to be loved partially or in the wrong way. So the journey continues...

Song of the day: Pretty Wings by Maxwell

Quote of the day: “The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever” 
― Nicholas Sparks

"May Your Neighbors Respect You. Trouble Neglect You. Angels Protect You. And Heaven Protect You."

It's been awhile, but I had to document my Top 25 Most played list, because it's the most beautiful it has ever been. It will disappear soon, because i'll have to sync my phone to a different computer. But it can live forever on my blog. I'm attached to every single song. I've laughed to these songs, cried to these songs, and grown into the woman I am to these songs. When my heart is broken and I'm at the point of giving up I sulk to the lines : "This time won't you save me. Baby, I can feel myself giving up..giving up" and "I had to set you free. Away from me. To see clearly the way that love can be when you are not with me. I had to live. I had to leave..." When it hits me that  I'm twenty years old at a pivitol point in my life, I can always resonate with the Dixie Chicks. "I've been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder, children get older and I'm getting older too." When I'm convinced love doesn't exist I take comfort in how "every long lost road lead me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars." One day i'll be in a beautiful white dress dancing to the words, "it's you and me and all other people, but I don't know why..I can't keep my eyes off of you." And when I'm a little bit insecure Nicki and I can yell to the world, "I'll never be perfect, believe me I'm worth it. So take me or leave me."  These songs are me. My past, present, and future. Soak it in.

1. Skyscraper by Demi Lovato
2. Super Bass by Nicki Minaj
3. Ours by Taylor Swift
4. If I Die Young by The Band Perry
5. Save Me by Nicki Mianj
6. If This Was a Movie by Taylor Swift
7. Pretty Wings (Uncut) by Mawell
8. Over My Dead Body by Drake
9. Next 2 You by Chris Brown and Justin Bieber
10. Fly by Nicki Minaj and Rihanna
11. The Chain by Ingrid Michaelson
12. I Need a Girl by Trey Songz
13. The Story of Us by Taylor Swift
14. Landslide by the Dixie Chicks
15. God Bless The Broken Road by Carrie Underwood and the Rascal Flatts
16. From Time by Drake and Jhene Aiko
17. Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce
18. Long Live by Taylor Swift
19. California King Bed by Rihanna
20. Let Me Know by Tamar Braton and Future
21. Shot For Me by Drake
22. You and Me by Lifehouse
23. How to Love by Lil Wayne
24. Marilyn Monroe by Nicki Minaj
25. Take Care by Drake

"People fall in love in mysterious ways. Maybe just a touch of the hand. Me I fall in love with you every single day. I just want to show you I am..."

It's January 23rd, and I still haven't written my New Years Resolutions. I spent my New Years Eve  at Ass Jamz. It's pretty much just as ratchet as it sounds. It's held in an older venue in Downtown Lawrence, and once a month the DJS play Ass Jamz. Songs like Practice by Drake, Grind With Me by Pretty Ricky, Ass Drop by Wiz Khalifa (my personal workout song of the week) etc. I don't twerk. I don't think I'm very good at it. Like, no one has ever complained. Most men don't really care how great you are at it as long as your hands are on your knees and you're into it. But one, at twenty years old I feel like I'm done with the twerking portion of my life. Two, it's just plain nasty. You're with a completely random hot and sweaty stranger, and once your done he asks for your number. There's usually no "hi, how are you?", but instead a "come thru?" I have too much self respect for myself to "Come thru", and the fact that these people don't see that in me makes me feel like there's no point in ever speaking again. Three, Amber Rose and Blacc China are out here killing the twerking game. If you're not a beast like them, have several seats and let the pros do it. That's how I feel anyways. So I'm in here with all these ratchet people. The confetti and balloons have fallen, the countdown has happened, and the first song I heard in 2015 was Lifestyle by Rich Homie Quan. It was a beautiful  moment, and I was surrounded by some of my oldest, closest, friends. This random man walks up to me and asks, "What's your New Years Resolution?" I say, "I'm just trying to survive". He goes, "Damn, are people shooting at you or something?" And I say, "Yeah, you could say that." He of course walks away cause his crazy bitch radar has gone off, and there's no turning back.

Am I a crazy B word? No, not really. I really looked back at that conversation though, and it was very significant. Are people really shooting at me with guns? No, thank God. I do feel like the world is shooting at me. The weight of pharmacy school is heavy, and I have to carry that load on my own. No one can help me with that. This semester has to go flawlessly or else I have to rethink my major and plan for my life. My heart is in this career path and my mind doesn't want to have to figure it all out again or deal with disappointing so many people. It's my main focus, and it's shooting me down. A little part of me dies every time I take a break to watch the Bachelor or do something with a friend, because I know that thats time I should be putting into studying. Greek life has been beautiful, fun, and brought me a lot of joy. With that joy comes great stress. Some of it is dumb stress, like having my strolls on point before the next party. Other stress is serious, Managing to go to all these retreat and programs while working many hours. It's shooting me down. Working a job that has no vacation time or sick days is shooting me down, because it just sucks. Friends are shooting me down, because for the first time in my life I need them for a thing or two and they continue to disappoint me. It's not their fault I have such high expectations, but I do and it sucks when they don't meet them.

Last but not least the desire to love and be loved is killing me as well. We live in a society that emphasizes the importance of romantic love. The whole package. Physical, emotional, and mental connections with a fine man who has a great job, great car, and even better smile. Mr. Perfect who just doesn't exist in todays society. I promise if he looks right he has a couple babies and a couple baby mamas, a cheating problem, or a crush on your line sister. These things are unavoidable. They of course won't be upfront about it. They'll lead you on and get you used to having someone who cares for you around, then disappear as soon as it's convenient for them. Boo hoo, sad story *Drake Voice*.

It's all of these things combined that make me unoptomistic for 2015 despite the great things that have already happened this year. I feel like I get excited about something and the world decides that it doesn't need to be in my life. I wake up thinking about failure. It's terrible. I still fall asleep and have great dreams about rich, luxurious lifestyles and trips to Italy. But I wake up most mornings thinking about failure and people who let me down. I've always found peace in my faith, but I'm really struggling with it. Remember that job with no vacation days or sick leave? It also requires me to work every sunday. Church has been pretty much removed from my life. I still listen to K-Love in the car, but it's hard for me to be content. I listen to all these songs about how it's okay to be down and empty, because Gods love is what fills us. It just seems unfair that some people don't have to be down and empty and can still have God. They live these blessed, rich lives and God. The perfect balance. Seeing people like that makes it hard for me to be content with just having God and it kills me inside to say this out loud (or on paper), because God is great. He in omnipotent and all powerful. The best kind of love you can have. It should be enough and I shouldn't need anything more, but that's just not the case. I still want more. At the same time, I'm scared to want more because when I publicly proclaim or desire something, I don't seem to get it.

This my friends is why I'm scared to write down a short list of resolutions for the new year. It's because I feel like writing them down or speaking them in my heart will just lead to the dream being stolen or not played out, because of my unbelievable bad luck. This my friends is why it's been 23 days and I'm still scared to make resolutions. If I expect nothing, I can't be disappointed.

Song of the Day : Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran (Such a pretty song. I'm in love with Ed Sheeran and everything he has to say. This is the perfect song to make you believe in fairytale love again or to cry to when you realize the fairytale just isn't a reality in the 21st century.

Quote of the Day : "Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase" - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.