"I had to set you free. Away from me. To see clearly the way that love can be when you are not with me. I had to live. I had to leave"

I spent years of my life in love with the idea of love. Not the love that exists in this generation. Nothing like what Tyga and Blacc Chyna had when he rescued her from the strip club or what young jayhawks in situationships think they feel for each other, but love. The definition I knew goes as follows: "Love is patient. Love is Kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always hurts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love...Never..Fails." Every single word has so much power, but I always get stuck on love never fails. You can have fights, change personalities, and be separated by distance and death. But love never fails. It was this kind of love that the me of my youth so deeply longed for. The kind of love that can only be seen in Nicholas Sparks books and movies. So I dove into them and clung to every word. I spent all my time reading books like this and listening to my William and Kate playlist. I was active in church because the love of God kept me going. I had no doubt that Corinthians 13 love is what I felt for my parents., my brother, my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I still do feel it for them. They are the light of my life.

Somewhere along the line, I lost faith in that kind of love. I listen to my friends talk about the people that they're with. The stories that come to mind is the girl who slept with a guy for months without knowing he had a girlfriend. The boy who claims to feel deeply and passionately about a spectacular woman, but can't give her commitment, kissing, or cuddling. No type of affection whatssoever. Back to Blacc Chyna. She bore a child for a man she loved, but it was so easy for him to leave her for a 17 year old girl who clearly lacks good parents and a sense of direction. The star of the football team who dates the prettiest girl I have ever seen outside of a television. Hair done, nails, done, everything did. Drives a luxurious car and has weave down to her butt. Not an ounce of fat on the girl. He has what we are all so encouraged by society to strive to be. He cheated on her for a regular KCK girl with a boyfriend and a big butt. These are the images of "love" I am surrounded with. Who wouldn't lose faith in times like this?

I recently had a conversation with three guys and a girl about The Notebook. A movie I think is beautiful in every way. All four people I was with proceeded to trash the movie. The fact that he was committed enough to a woman to send a letter every day for a year (365 days) wasn't beautiful, it was "creepy". The cutest guy in the group said that, "If I send you one text message and you don't respond, it's over." The fact that he built the house they wanted to live in on faith alone, because he had no idea whether she'd come back alone was "stupid". The fact that she found love in someone else during their time apart made her a "thot". So ends the discussion of The Notebook and my fantasies. I had to end the conversation saying, "I know that this type of thing wouldn't happen in real life but.."

I'm a good girl, and I was taught to believe that that's not worth something. My body's a temple and I refuse to let it get played with by silly sex obsessed boys with HPV and Clamydia. I refuse to be the side chick or an extra in someone elses love story. I refuse to be with someone that doesn't love me enough to give me the simple things I crave. I want something more for myself. So I guess I realized its better to not be loved at all than to be loved partially or in the wrong way. So the journey continues...

Song of the day: Pretty Wings by Maxwell

Quote of the day: “The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever” 
― Nicholas Sparks