I Don't Wanna Be Anything Other Than What I've Been Trying to Be Lately

I've avoided this long enough and even contemplated not making them at all. I think the time has finally come for me to write my New Years Resolutions. I've lost an entire month and a half at this point, because I was scared to face the things that need to change in my life. I'm glad to say that I'm in a better place now. I cried out to God, and he heard my cry. He gave me all the answers I was looking for. Not all of them were the answers I wanted to hear, but I coped and learned to move past all the burdens I was carrying.

1. To Stop Underestimating my Lord and Savior. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and the only thing that gets in the way of that is me and my lack of faith. The first step to getting to a better place was me figuring out how to admit I lacked the faith I once had. It took awhile, but I got it back to the size of a mustardseed, That's all it takes to move the mountains in my life. I've officially rejoined bible study, and I hope to continue to attend and grow with that beautiful group of people.

2. To love selectively, because not all people are worth of the pure form of love I have to give. If I started writing these resolutions a month ago, this would have been the number one thing on my list. I'm fed up with giving all of me to so many different people and getting way less than that back. I'm done with glorifying people who haven't earned my admiration. That's one thing I would like to see change in my life this year.

3. School. I'm is a desperate place in my education. The courses I'm in are way harder than I ever thought they would be and there never seems to be enough time to learn the material and perform well. I can't have this semester be a repeat of last semester. This scares me, because we're already almost halfway through! I will persevere through pharmacy school and make it to graduation.

4. I need to create more time for myself. Most of my time is split between school, work, the wide variety of friend groups I have, and all the clubs and organizations I'm involved in. It's overwhelming and I rarely have a second to myself. Last week I gave myself an hour to watch Being Mary Jane, and it was the best part of my week. That was one of the few hours I have to do what I wanted to do.

5. To continue to embrace the things that make me different. I don't have to fit into the box that Delta, Pharmacy School, my family, and other institutions have created for me. I can be a black girl who's okay with being overweight, enjoys how I look without makeup, jams to Taylor Swift instead or T-Raww, and spends an unfathomable amount of money on concerts instead of alcohol. I can continue to embrace the things that make me different.

6. I don't want to chase things anymore. I feel like I'm always working to finish my own story and chase after what I think is right for me or what I think I need. I just want to let things be and find a way to be happy in whatever predicament I'm in.

7. I want my friendships to grow into the kind where it's okay to have tough conversations. Where constructive criticism can be given to help each other grow. I'm blessed with wonderful friends, but have been forced to question them a bit lately. We've kind of hit a wall that will make it difficult for us to grown into better people with each others help. I hear a lot about my friends from outside sources and get contradicting stories with conversations with them. I had a friend lie to me, so that I wouldn't visit her. After I worked tirelessly to get someone to work for her, so I can go over there and show her that her supporting me didn't go unappreciated. Fights among friends have forced me to chose sides which is awkward. I haven't talked to any of them about any of this, because they are all sensitive people and it won't be a conversation that leads to much outside of anger. That frustrates me.

And that ends my list. For now. There are a few hundred other things I would like to work on, but I don't want to drag this out more then I already have. I'll take the time to focus on these seven things. Plus being less jealous and losing weight. I just don't know how to spin those things into something deep and beautiful. One Tree Hill is back in my life. It'll lead to positive changes. I just know it.

Song of the day : I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin Degraw

Quote of the day: "Every day is a new beginning. Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be".