"Let the rain come down and wash away my tears. Let it fill my soul and drown my fears. Let it shatter the walls for a new sun. A new day has come"

Today I learned that Insanity is defined by the late and great Albert Einstein as, "Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results." Finally I had a word to describe my fearful self: crazy. I know I can't be the only one who struggles with this type of insanity. I live in a box of rules I created for myself. Some of these rules were inspired by my parents. Some were inspired by friends I admired or friends who made mistakes that I could learn from. Others came from my religion, and those often came with confusion. Are those rules unecissary, because the old testement has been cleared away by the words of the new testement? Does that make everyone who shares my faith and choses to participate in those things anyways sinners? The first few rules that pop in my head are :

1. Donate. I try and stop to give to homeless people, earthquake victims, children's miracle network, and anything un-animal related as often as possible. Why not animals? Well, I personally don't believe in funding a dog home or sweater when there's people in the world that don't have clean water yet. It seems like those priorities are all wrong.

2. Avoid yelling and ratchet behavior. I've never fought someone and I never will. I don't get angry. Ever. Do I get frustrated? Yes. Especially when people take advantage of me or attempt to minimize the accomplishments in my life. But I suffer through it, because this is a life rule I have for myself.

3. Never cry in public. That is the ultimate sign of weakness. I have stuck by this one since the first grade, but I'm slowly learning that it's okay if someone sees me cry. It started with my parents and my brother, and now a couple cousins have seen me cry as well. The world did not crash or burn.

4. Being brutally honest with myself, because if I'm not who will be?

5. Avoiding things I consider imoral: tattoos, drugs, alcahol, meangingless sex. Basically anythign that could get you in a rock n roll band must be avoided. I can't go to rockfest.

Honestly, the list could go on and on. But these are the kind of rules I have for myself. I don't even have to think about it anymore. Their engrained in my life and I just live that way. Even when they have failed me, I have stuck to my rules. Partly because change is scary. Partly because they support my fear of failure and rejection. Partly because I was convinced they worked for everyone else.

You know when your mom asked, "If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?". It was a very good question and a lesson I finally learned this week. Two people that I've been admiring this week completely surprised me. The first is the Duggar family. I've been obsessed with their show 19 Kids and Counting, because they are living proof that you can be a good christian girl and find love and happiness. Yes, its rare and only happens to dirty blond girls in arkansas, but I still hung on to the hope that if it happened to them it could happen to me. Little did I know that the oldest Duggar child molested five girls in his teens. His family covered up from him and made sure he didn't have to do jail time or have serious consequences. He didn't even deny the store. It's terrible, because this means that the family wasn't as perfect as I thought they were. They've made huge mistakes themselves and they sell the lie to people like me on television. I haven't watched the show since finding out what happened. It lost it's magic.

The second huge surprise came from one of my closest friends. After contemplating it, I realized that although we're close in age shes been a role model as well as a friend this entire time. She finally opened up to me about some things we'd never talked about, and I was really surprised to see this side of her. I always put her in this perfect people category, and I was so glad that she was finally able to share her struggles with me. All of these things made me realize no matter how many rules you set for yourself, you will never be perfect. Jesus Christ was the only perfect being. Now I'm at a crossroads in deciding weather I want to still strive to be as perfect as possible OR except that I'm going to make mistakes and live life as fully as possible. When I decide, I'll let you all know. Adios for now loves.

Quote of the day : "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein

Song of the day : A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion