I was in junior high when I decided I wanted to be a pharmacist. I was a little girl dreaming of a Mercades Benz. Growing up that was the symbol of unahievable for me. My father has always wanted a Benz and has never been able to afford one. People who went to college and got jobs that resulted in big paychecks got to drive Mercades Benz's. I wanted to shop at American Eagle and the $30 price tags were out of my families budget. I was tired of not being able to afford things and decided that I would find a way to get that big paycheck and remove myself from my current situation. I would never look at price tags, and my dad would drive a Benz. Pharmacy was the way to do that. I excelled in school and did everything right in order to end up where I need to be. I put everything I have into achieving that goal.
Pharmacy school has been difficult. It required complete focus, and I just wasn't able to do that. The timing was wrong. This year I became the social butterfly that I never was. I joined a sorority, and it opened a wide variety of doors for me. I was finally meeting people and having fun. Making the kid of memories young girls are supposed to make at college. I guess I got lost in this new world and forgot that I've never been "that girl". The one that gets the best of both worlds and gets to have these experiences. I forgot that I wasn't in school for just me, but my family. I needed this change for myself and all of them. I forgot that you don't get another chance, life is no nintendo game. I snuck into clubs I wasn't old enough to go to, and hung out in dorms with attractive football players with girlfriends. I wore crop tops and strolled through parties. I thought I won, but I really lost.
Those football players who I wasted time with had tutors and people to help them. Their majors were not pharmacy, and they had the time to hang out. I didn't. An entire year of buying expensive weaves and perfecting my make ups in hopes that "someone great" would find me desirable and loveable, was a waste. I'm not the pretty girl that gets the guy. I've always known that deep down inside, but society tells you not to give up. The princess kissed the frog and the underdog always wins. This underdog didn't win. I didn't win, because I don't drink and get tipsy enough to make mistakes. I didn't win because I can't flirt to save my life. I didn't win, because I'm not ready to give up my purity to someone who can't even pronounce my name. I lost.
My sorority sisters who I texted all day and spent so much time with, passed their classes. They achieved their goals and strived in their programs. They will graduate and achieve their dreams, I will not. They succeeded in attracting the athletes, frat boys, VIP party types, and even the one boy I wanted more than anything in the world. They got what it is I gave everything that matters and that's important to me up. I didn't. In a year they will all go on to achieve great things in life, and leave me right where I started. Square one. No job, no education, no money, no man, no success.
My friends who were good and always led me towards success are not a factor in this story. They too will graduate and achieve great things very shortly, but they always kept me on the track to success. When it was just us, I always strived. It feels wrong not to include them in this.
It hurts to be in this position. It hurts to disappoint so many people. It hurts that I disappointed myself. It hurt that out of all these people in my life, I have no one to turn to. I'm embarassed. I don't want to tell anyone what I'm going through. In the midst of my continuous crying and the mourning of my dream, I texted my line sister and called my aunt. Both were great sources of encouragement, but I still can't help but feel the immense weight of my failures.
It hurts that I prayed, so hard and God didn't deliver me from this particular obstacle. For one of the first times in my life, I didn't get an answer to my prayer. I feel like I did when I lose my cousin and sweet friend. I don't understand. The holy word says that with the faith of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain. That those who trust in the LORD, will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. I am not soaring. I watch everyone else in my life live in sin. Literally everyone. And things are going good and well for them. I'm the one who's not live life to the fullest, because of my fear of hell and fear of losing. Because the word says that those who follow his commandments will see the fruit of their labors. I got nothing.
My story doesn't end here. As my aunt kept reminding me, this is a death of a dream. Not the end of my life. I will appeal the dismissal when it comes. If they chose not to let me in their program, I will find a new program. I won't have the cushion of my scholarships anymore because most of them are up in four years. I won't have a job anymore, because I was hired on the basis of being a student intern. I won't have school friends anymore, because they'll all have graduated. I'll learn to be alone.
Who know's what's next for me? I spent my evening dwelling on the Invictus poem. Now that I'm at rock bottom, the only place I can go is up.
Poem of the Day :
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
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