"If you're gonna let me down, let me down gently. Don't pretend that you don't want me. Our love ain't water under the bridge"

I just don't know anymore. I am conflicted between what I want, what I deserve, filling a void, and right or wrong. As many of you know, I spent most of my life trying to be "good". I was the perfect daughter, friend etc. (yes, I wasn't actually perfect. Some of this is just coming from my ego. But you get the point). It took a lot of energy for me to maintain this lifestyle, and I still wasn't getting what I want. When I started losing everything, I lost my desire to be perfect.I had spent so long trying to build the perfect future that makes my parents proud and myself "better" (more money, nicer clothes, respect from educated people etc.), and it all failed. The people who were having fun and living life the way they wanted to were A. happier than me, because they set such low bars for themselves complete failure isn't an option and B. finding the thing I want the most : love. I've been waiting for the perfect guy forever. A god fearing man who wants to hold my hand, talk about nothing and everything, take me on adventures, and sees the beauty within. Prince charming was half the reason this blog started. I was on the hunt for the man I thought was my prince . This hunt used to lead right to a dead end. Part of this had to do with my confidence. I couldn't talk to men, and I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I was scared to be myself. I live in a household that isn't very affectionate. We're not touchy feely people and emotions are kept within unless the emotion is anger or frustration. I don't really know how to be flirty and outgoing. Most men probably thought I was asexual, because I stuck to myself and admired them from afar.

This is the year that men started coming into my life. I met six people that each changed me in different ways.

1. The handsome kappa lawyer to be. I was the talent at a KU Black Alumni banquet. She asked me the day before, so I didn't have much time to prepare. I played the piano and chose Cannon in D. It's one of my absolute favorite pieces. Definitely a song I want played by a string quartet at my wedding. I was playing the song and he came and laid his paperwork for the night on the piano. I looked up and in the sexiest of voices I heard, "Am I distracting you?". Yes, I was distracted. Because he was attractive. I had nothing formal to wear, so I chose a dress that was too small. My only option. It was small everywhere including up top, and my boobs were to die for. He noticed. We ended up sitting next to each other during the banquet, and he kept saying, "I feel like I know you from somewhere..". I didn't want a formal introduction before playing my piece, but he gave me one anyway. We conversed through out the night and my line sister thought he must like me. Instead of being passive and waiting, I decided to "stop practicing insanity". I messaged him and we spoke. Despite our 10 year age difference, I had hope. You know I always do. We texted back and forth for about four weeks. He asked me if I was attracted to him and worried about coming off as a creepy old man. He told me that he could tell I'm an old soul "It's in your eyes". This relationship may sound deep, but its not. He liked to talk about himself, and we never actually went on that date. The day he ignored my next is the day I never spoke to him again.

2. I started sneaking into the club Tonic this year. My line sister turned 21 and had her paper ID and regular ID. This allowed me to go to a variety of different clubs with her during the summer season. After partying, we would always go to Fuzzy's for some delicious Mexican cuisine. That day a guy from the club motioned for me to come to his table. He proceeded to tell me that he had seen me in the club and wanted to know more about me. I gave him his number and he selected a day for us to go on our date. He canceled and it was over for me. I couldn't have been more excited for that date.

3. The good bruhz. I have a thing for the men of Omega Psi Phi, and I'm not ashamed. As a Delta, there are many ques in my life. I think that is part of why a majority of the men I've talked to this year have been ques. I met this one at KC greek picnic, in the Alpha House's kitchen. My line sister (who is a part of every story) was talking to one of the guys she met, and I was standing alone. He called me over. I didn't notice that he was the bruhz, because he wasn't wearing pari and bruhz tend to wear pari to every party. He had a bracelet that I didn't notice until later. He didn't know I was a delta either. We talked about so many things. I wish I had written them all down. It was a beautiful conversation and he had a theme. He said his mission was to make my night a little better. He kept asking if he'd done it yet. Next think you know we were kissing. It was heavenly. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car. We were looking up at the stars and he talked about how many people had been into each other the same way we have. Just like Frank & Edna. It was sweet. He left for Virginia and our conversations didn't last long. It turns out he had a girlfriend the night we met, but he broke up with her the week after. I sent him a letter. I hope to get one back. He said he bough the stationary, but I know his ways.

4. I met number four the same day I met number three. Right after actually. He saw number three kiss me goodnight, but that didn't stop him. Our mutual sorors/frat were the ones who were talking int he previous story forcing me to stand alone and meet #3. My line sister and I took my car to those guys home. They bought us mcDonalds and had to pull to the side of the road so their interest could puke. The situation was less than idea. We sat in the veranda as the two men and my sister smoked (for medical purposes of course :) ) . Eventually my line sister and his frat left to spend some quality time with one another. Him and I were left to speak in our 4 in the morning tired state. We took a nap together which was quite enjoyable. He wanted to mess around, but kissing two guys in the same day seemed wrong. So instead we cuddled and napped. We exchanged social media information, and he DM'd me later that day asking for my number. We've been texting back and forth for five months now. It's on and off, and I've only seen him one time since. I don't think we have potential. It's just fun to have consistent communication with someone who calls me beautiful. It makes me feel good to know that I've only spent a few hours with him, but those hours left an impact. I also like that he lets me call him his full name.

5. I met an asshole. He doesn't deserve a story. He stole $200 from me and still hasn't paid me back. He probably never will. Ass hole. - I was going to leave it at that, but I learned some important lessons from him. I can't be this gullible, and I can't want love so bad that I'm willing to be a fool for it. I'm not okay with being used. I'm not strong enough to be with a bad guy.

6. Bae. I really like this man. He has a special place in my heart. I'm so comfortable around him. It amazes me. He's warm and has the cutest smile. You can read every emotion he's every had right on his face. Our time together has been limited. He's so busy and his business is sexy. He's working really hard to become something, but to me he's already so many things. He doesn't want a relationship. So all I think about in my free time is why? Is it because he just got out of a relationship? Is it me? Does he think he can do better? Is it because I'm inexperienced or not sexy enough? Last but not least, is there anything I can do to make him want me. I want to be with him. He's so sexy to me. He doesn't just say hey, He says "good morning" and "good evening", He thanks me after a good time together and asked me what my long term goals are. It'll kill me if he loses interest, because I want this man in my life. I really really do. It'll be awhile before I feel this comfortable around any one else again. I'm hoping I don't have to build up that comfort, because he and I will last. So now is the time for what ifs. Should I text him and call him all the time. Try to stay in constant communication, so he's thinking about me and gets to know me better. Should I be patient and let him build from here. Should I focus on the negatives? What should I do? I was going to say I don't know, but that would be a lie. I've already decided I'm going to call him and it'll be beautiful. We'll talk for a long time and live happily ever after. Did I mention he's the bruhz too? OOP-Roo

This blog feels incomplete, because there's no way for me to tie it all together and create a happy ending. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm grateful for my experiences and the lessons I learned from all these men. Each one of them will bring me one step closer to the one I'm supposed to be with.

Song of the day : Duffle Bag Boy by Lil Wayne

Quote of the day : We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see the imperfect person perfectly.