"I Hope You Learn To Make It On Your Own, and If You Love Yourself Just Know You'll Never Be Alone"

Defeat. It's the word of the day, week, month, and year. I am defeated. I was defeated by life, by the deans at school, by my boss at work, and by myself. I made a blog in May about going from having everything to nothing, and now it's official. All the loose ends are tied. I have nothing. I have been forced to start over and deal with the consequences of my mistakes. To my defense, at least I'm not a theif, crack addict, young unwed mother, or something that goes hand in hand with those other life possibilities. When it first sunk in that all these terrible things were happening to me, it didn't help to think of how much worse it could be. It also didn't help to think about how much better things could be, because I was stuck on the work it would take to get there. I've lost so much time. I've lost faith in so many different things. I have lost a lot. If there was a second word of the week, that would be it. Loss.

1. I lost my life plan. I had a career that I was looking forward to practicing. I had made all the right steps to get there. I was looking forward to a life better than anything I've ever experienced. The Land Rovers and double staircase that were going to come along with that career are gone as well now.

2. I lost my job. I hated most of my time in this position. I complained about it all the time, but when it was gone it hurt. Just because that's just one more way I have to start over. I haven't started applying for new positions yet, so I'm sure there will be a period of extreme brokenness coming soon.

3. I lost the guy, and another one, and another one. The one that really matters was everything. I hadn't connected with a man that way in so long. We clicked, we had chemistry, and he was everything I wanted and more. I broke through my insanity and talked to him first. We took me on a trip through the world of "we" and "dates". None of which happened. He went from interested to evaporated. No where to be found. He just didn't put in enough initiative. I don't know why.

The other guy approached me. It was on a night where I felt beautiful in all white and gold jewelry. He had spotted me in a club and happened to be in the same restaurant as me after. He was so charming. No I didn't feel the same sparks as I felt with the other man, but we connected. He was an excellent texter and kept it going. He got me to like him. It took time and effort. When I did fall for him, he did what all black men do : evaporated.

The last one I'm embarrassed to even talk about. He was smooth and our chemistry was very physical. I was easily charmed, but we're not on our way to being boyfriend and girlfriend. That's for sure.


I've lost a lot. I've finally wiped my tears and found the courage to move on. It wasn't easy. There were a lot of tears. More tears than I've had at any point in my life thus far. I'm not a crier publicly or privately. I just don't think it helps much or solves the problem. While evaluating so many different things about myself, I realized why I despise crying publicly so much. I hate sympathy. There's nothing worse than people feeling sorry for me. Looking at me with those "You poor thing" puppy dog eyes. I understand that people do it because they care about you and want to be there for you, but I hate every single second of it. That's why I avoid talking to people about how I feel after negative things and crying. This was all more than I have ever had to handle. I finally reached the point where I did have to cry in front of the people that I love and express how terrible I felt. I was legit depressed.  I slept all the time and didn't really feel like looking cute or going out and doing anything. When I did go out and do things, I didn't enjoy them. I was still dwelling on all the negatives. I have moved past that as well.

 I had to learn that things do not always go as you have planned. I have to find a way to enjoy the journey of the new plan and deal with whatever outcomes it will bring. I have to start over. I really hope that this wasn't the beginning of my luck running out. I hope it was just life telling me that something needs to change. Here's to change, whatever's next, and the one that won't evaporate.

Song of the Day: One Man Can Change the World - Big Sean (I may be the only girl in the world who cried to Big Sean. I really felt like he was talking to me in the beginning of this song. Having hope and believing in someone is a beautiful thing. Who knew I would get that encouragement from a random rapper)

Quote of the Day : If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. - Maya Angelou