"You're Still the One I Run To, The One That I Belong To/ You're still the One I Want For Life"

I spent my entire life in love with the idea of love. I was (am?) a true hopeless romantic. To be honest, I can't tell you how it started. My parent have been married 23 years. Maybe it was them that made me value love so much. I don't know how long my grandparents on my mom side were married but it was a long time. But now that I think about it, I think my love of love may have been sparked by my mothers love of weddings. When I was little, my mom loved to watch weddings on television. Celebrity weddings, the weddings of friends, and of course her own wedding. We watched and critiqued the gown, the decorations, cake, and everything that went into the special day. It was there that I learned its better to make one of your colors cream, so that you don't end up with a weird clashy situation.I was a flower girl two times, and my mom said that was a blessing. The first time I was nervous, but it was my first time wearing make up. I got to put on eye liner and a little lip gloss. I was only 5. My mom didn't like anyone else doing my hair, so she styled my poof herself. I had a flower headband before it was even popular, and I sang the songs I heard at the wedding for weeks after. It was a special moment. My second time being a flower girl was different. I also associate the memory with my hair. It was the first time my mom let me get it straightened, and I understood the reality of shrinkage. I had a really intricate hair style and felt like a princess. I have a 50% flower girl success rate. One of the couples I was a flower girl for is still together and the other couple broke up a few years after getting married.

Marriage is one of the most beautiful things in the world to me. If you're lucky enough, you come into this life surrounded by love. The love of God, your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, God parents. They're all anxiously waiting to welcome you into the world. I work at a hospital and there's a baby born pretty much every day. It's so fun to see all the people in the waiting room and walking in the room to get the first glimpse. They don't know what the baby will grow up to be, but they do know that they love him or her. Regardless. The love of your family is the truest love you will ever have. They have to love you, because you're their own. Their blood runs through your veins and when they're gone, you'll live on with the values and lifestyle they taught you. There are billions and billions of people in the world that are not your family. They don't have to love you and adore you, but if you're lucky you will find that same kind of love from an outsider. This outsider will go from a stranger to your whole world, and together you'll start a family of your own and pass this love on to your children and their children. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

It's just so hard to find. When I began writing this post a couple days ago, I had every intention of ending it by saying that I am no longer a hopeless romantic. I have lost my belief in love. How did I get here? Oh there were many men who led to this decision. I am a women who has so much love to give. It's in my nature to care for people. Despite recent changes and ups and downs I've faced, I still know that I'm a kind person who wants nothing more than to love and be loved by another. Just like the famous line from Les Miserables states, "To love another person is to see the face of God". I want to have that experience, but it never happens for me. I've gotten to the point where I know that I must be the problem. Love is always in the air in summer time, and I've met some great people this summer and over the course last year. It's the same story over and over again. We meet, there's a spark, we exchange numbers, talk for a month or two. They express how much they'd love to go on a date. Some will actually take you, and others wont. Eventually the number of texts decrease, and one day you're not talking anymore. It ends just as quick as it started. Maybe I say the wrong things. There are men I've been open with that couldn't have been more intimidated by openness and others who I was more vague and mysterious with. Neither route works for me. Some of them want to make out and float on our physical connection, but none of them want to love me. They could care less if I saw the potential to love them.

I'm really tired of hearing the same things. "There is someone for everyone. Your prince will come". "It's not you, it's them". "Maybe you're going for the wrong type of men". "You need to work on yourself before someone can love you". "You're too young to find the one. Just have fun". All this advice is valid, but I really feel like I've done it all. The other night after finally refusing to text the guy I'm interested in first for the millionth time, I decided to search the bible for something about finding love. My mom gave me a bible with verses for every type of feeling you could be having. I searched loneliness. That's how I feel without the one.I unfortunately didn't find anything in the bible along the lines of "How to get a man 101". I know that the way to success in life is to seek God and get lost in him. So that's what i'll do. I'll get lost and pray that there's someone out there for me to marry, and make lots and lots of beautiful natural haired babies with. He needs to hurry up, because I already found my flower girl dresses of choice.

Song of the Day : You're Still the One by Shania Twain

Quote of the day : "A women's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek him in order to find her"