"People fall in love in mysterious ways. Maybe just a touch of the hand. Me I fall in love with you every single day. I just want to show you I am..."

It's January 23rd, and I still haven't written my New Years Resolutions. I spent my New Years Eve  at Ass Jamz. It's pretty much just as ratchet as it sounds. It's held in an older venue in Downtown Lawrence, and once a month the DJS play Ass Jamz. Songs like Practice by Drake, Grind With Me by Pretty Ricky, Ass Drop by Wiz Khalifa (my personal workout song of the week) etc. I don't twerk. I don't think I'm very good at it. Like, no one has ever complained. Most men don't really care how great you are at it as long as your hands are on your knees and you're into it. But one, at twenty years old I feel like I'm done with the twerking portion of my life. Two, it's just plain nasty. You're with a completely random hot and sweaty stranger, and once your done he asks for your number. There's usually no "hi, how are you?", but instead a "come thru?" I have too much self respect for myself to "Come thru", and the fact that these people don't see that in me makes me feel like there's no point in ever speaking again. Three, Amber Rose and Blacc China are out here killing the twerking game. If you're not a beast like them, have several seats and let the pros do it. That's how I feel anyways. So I'm in here with all these ratchet people. The confetti and balloons have fallen, the countdown has happened, and the first song I heard in 2015 was Lifestyle by Rich Homie Quan. It was a beautiful  moment, and I was surrounded by some of my oldest, closest, friends. This random man walks up to me and asks, "What's your New Years Resolution?" I say, "I'm just trying to survive". He goes, "Damn, are people shooting at you or something?" And I say, "Yeah, you could say that." He of course walks away cause his crazy bitch radar has gone off, and there's no turning back.

Am I a crazy B word? No, not really. I really looked back at that conversation though, and it was very significant. Are people really shooting at me with guns? No, thank God. I do feel like the world is shooting at me. The weight of pharmacy school is heavy, and I have to carry that load on my own. No one can help me with that. This semester has to go flawlessly or else I have to rethink my major and plan for my life. My heart is in this career path and my mind doesn't want to have to figure it all out again or deal with disappointing so many people. It's my main focus, and it's shooting me down. A little part of me dies every time I take a break to watch the Bachelor or do something with a friend, because I know that thats time I should be putting into studying. Greek life has been beautiful, fun, and brought me a lot of joy. With that joy comes great stress. Some of it is dumb stress, like having my strolls on point before the next party. Other stress is serious, Managing to go to all these retreat and programs while working many hours. It's shooting me down. Working a job that has no vacation time or sick days is shooting me down, because it just sucks. Friends are shooting me down, because for the first time in my life I need them for a thing or two and they continue to disappoint me. It's not their fault I have such high expectations, but I do and it sucks when they don't meet them.

Last but not least the desire to love and be loved is killing me as well. We live in a society that emphasizes the importance of romantic love. The whole package. Physical, emotional, and mental connections with a fine man who has a great job, great car, and even better smile. Mr. Perfect who just doesn't exist in todays society. I promise if he looks right he has a couple babies and a couple baby mamas, a cheating problem, or a crush on your line sister. These things are unavoidable. They of course won't be upfront about it. They'll lead you on and get you used to having someone who cares for you around, then disappear as soon as it's convenient for them. Boo hoo, sad story *Drake Voice*.

It's all of these things combined that make me unoptomistic for 2015 despite the great things that have already happened this year. I feel like I get excited about something and the world decides that it doesn't need to be in my life. I wake up thinking about failure. It's terrible. I still fall asleep and have great dreams about rich, luxurious lifestyles and trips to Italy. But I wake up most mornings thinking about failure and people who let me down. I've always found peace in my faith, but I'm really struggling with it. Remember that job with no vacation days or sick leave? It also requires me to work every sunday. Church has been pretty much removed from my life. I still listen to K-Love in the car, but it's hard for me to be content. I listen to all these songs about how it's okay to be down and empty, because Gods love is what fills us. It just seems unfair that some people don't have to be down and empty and can still have God. They live these blessed, rich lives and God. The perfect balance. Seeing people like that makes it hard for me to be content with just having God and it kills me inside to say this out loud (or on paper), because God is great. He in omnipotent and all powerful. The best kind of love you can have. It should be enough and I shouldn't need anything more, but that's just not the case. I still want more. At the same time, I'm scared to want more because when I publicly proclaim or desire something, I don't seem to get it.

This my friends is why I'm scared to write down a short list of resolutions for the new year. It's because I feel like writing them down or speaking them in my heart will just lead to the dream being stolen or not played out, because of my unbelievable bad luck. This my friends is why it's been 23 days and I'm still scared to make resolutions. If I expect nothing, I can't be disappointed.

Song of the Day : Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran (Such a pretty song. I'm in love with Ed Sheeran and everything he has to say. This is the perfect song to make you believe in fairytale love again or to cry to when you realize the fairytale just isn't a reality in the 21st century.

Quote of the Day : "Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase" - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.