"On a monday, I am fading. On a tuesday, I am waiting. On a wednesday, I..can't..sleep"

"Defamation of character" is defined as : a false statement about you that causes some kind of harm. Everyone has been accused of things. Some negative and some positive. If you're lucky, people will respect you and think highly enough of you not to believe what is said. I recently had a conversation with my forever friend. I just love that phrase. Forever friend. It rolls off the tongue beautifully. As I mentioned in my last post, she told me that she realized I was a secretive person. I've spent the last five days dwelling on that comment. Am I really a secretive person? My first thought was, "Yes. I am a secretive person". Anyone who has any idea how my brain works knows that I followed up that statement with, "why?". The easy answer that came to mind was "because I haven't even figured out who I am". I say that's the easy answer, because that's kind of the theme of my year. I lost track of what I want to do in life, started over in many ways, broke some of the rules that were near and dear to me for so long. I crumbled under the weight of the world. I don't doubt that part of it or question it at all. What I doubted was weather these failures mean that I am a different, undiscovered person now.

The answer to that question is no. Just because I lost my way and made mistakes doesn't mean I'm a different person. I'm the same person. I am quiet, observative, an overactive thinker, and hardworker. I am kind, often tired, and a bad decision maker. I'm unsure a lot of the time. I'm also slightly judgmental and have a little too much self pride. That's why I keep some of my thoughts to myself. I would never want to say something that hurts anyone else, but that same kindness is not relayed to me. Very few people get the privilege of knowing my every thought and feeling. I would say there a three people who know the most things about me. When you put together all the different pieces they know, you make all of me. All my memories, fears, and quirks. Lately, I've become so secretive that I even keep things from them. I kept things from them, because I didn't want to disappoint them. I didn't want them to look at me differently. I don't think its good to keep those kind of feelings to yourself. I've been meaning to go see a psychologist to talk through some of these things. Why would I want to talk to a psychologist verses someone I already know? I want to get things off my chest for me, but I don't want any associated opinions and judgements.

There is nothing that hurts more than pouring yourself out to people and them rejecting it or throwing it back in your face. I don't blame them, because maybe they think they're telling me what I need to hear. Maybe they don't realize that what was being shared were my deepest thoughts and secrets. Maybe they don't realize how rude it is to talk to someone in that tone. This is always the reaction I get from people after they finally know everything about me. They start to rip me apart. Friends are supposed to lift you up, but mine feel the need to break me down. That goes for some family members too. I'm starting to think the way to overcome this is to continue to build a life on my own. I don't want to be less secretive. I want to be more secretive. I've tried to open up and I've been burned. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm just being stupid and I know I'm not dumb. That will not be a mistake I chose to repeat.

song of the day : Pieces of Me by Ashley Simpson

quote of the day: I told God to protect me from my enemies, and I started losing friends