Year in Review: "There's never a wish better than this. When you only got 100 years to live"

The end of the year is a time when I become a little self absorbed. I start doing my year and review and trying to learn from mistakes as well as imprint the moments in my mind. This way when my grandbaby asks me what it was like to be 21 in 2016, I can answer with a clear mindset.

1. I started 2016 in a Gold sparkly dress. It wasn't silent, but it stood out and I think that the dress shaped my year. My twitter background was gold sequins, and I was really feeling it. I didn't want to sit by and watch life pass me by. I wanted to shine. Like each little piece of glitter on that gold dress.

2. I applied to a lot of programs and ultimately ended up back in pharmacy school at the University of Kansas. It was my dream, and I made it happen. Finished my semester with an okay GPA, but I'm not on academic probation. That's what matters. I put a lot of time into my sororities new members and their process. I feel like my GPA will improve when that stress has been taken away next semester.

3. Speaking of Delta, I became chapter president Fall '16. I got to travel to Wichita with Aneesah to experience her first regional conference. We planned Pizza and Politics as well as Delta week in the spring. The event I will always be most proud of is the Valiant Violets Banquet. I also really enjoyed planning Violets Against Violence and the Dear White People program. I was also extremely frustrated with the entire sorority thing at times. I had my feelings hurt by a lot of sorority sisters. I had to pick some over others. I pulled away from others at times. I finally found forgiveness towards the end of the year, but I still refuse to be disrespected or talked down to.

3b. There was the fun night in VIP with Chris Harris and the good Rho Eta Bruhz. Loved it. Most of the good moments were the ones without a majority of the people.

4. I attended a lot of really good services at Morning Star Church and drifted away from the episcopal church I grew up in a little. The services there were not speaking to my heart. I was also hurt by when I approached the preacher about raising money after my dear teachers passing, he denied us the opportunity. I got tired of singing songs that don't move me and waking up one hour early to do it. Both churches have ended up being a blessing to me. I look forward to continuing the new year at Morning Star Church though.

5. I took a spring break trip to Houston Texas with my sorority sisters that was god awful. This was at the peak of their everyone wants to be a cheater movement. It was gross and I did not enjoy it. We weren't in a hotel, and I'm bougie. The highlight of the trip was enjoying the Galveston beach with Breonna. There wasn't white sand or clear water, but I still loved the waves brushing up on me. The quote that matters is  "Life is a beach. I'm just playing in the sand" - Lil Wayne

6. I found my childhood poem. It warmed my own heart. "Love is something you can never give up. It's something you just now (know) and that it will go on for the rest of your life. And you now (know) you can never live without them, and you're really lucky if you have that. The end." <3 p="">
7. I met Mario Chalmers at the club. Ayyye.

8. My evil ex the omega man came back. I chased him once. We reconnected a couple times and it was weird. We're definitely not a match.

9. I attended the Big XII Conference on Black Student Government and it was amazing. I went to a lot of sessions that broadened my mind about social action and just life in general. We talked about how birds of a feather flock together. This lead to a discussion on the importance of surrounding yourself with people who have the same goal and are just as motivated as you. We did a discussion on the old and new Willie Lynch letter and how many current companies profited from slavery. We talked about the Black Livse Matter movement and police brutality. It was a beautiful part of my year. I even got to resume build and attend for free as catering chair.

10. Drake released VIEWS and it changed me. Rob Kardashian proposed to Blac Chyna, and she was indeed pregnant. They got their own spin off show that filled the void of Kim retreating from the public eye. Janet Jackson cancelled my concert, so she could have a baby of fifty years old. I'm happy for her, but sad for myself. Kobe Bryant played his last game. The baby fell in the cage and we got Harambe.

11. I got to be back stage at a Future concert again, because the Freebandz crew loves me. The KU Basketball team was also there. No big deal, but YES!! Big Deal. I also went to a Tinashe concert because Breonna wanted me to.

12. SUMMER SIXTEEN tour. No words. Just all love.

13. KCGP weekend. We stayed at a really nice hotel for a couple of days, and I loved it. There was fine dining. Lots of friends. I needed that weekend after everything that happened with bae of the year right before.

14. My mom and I are a lot closer. I love my mama. We took a trip to my cousin's wedding in Fayetteville, and I finally visited North Carolina. It was not at all what I envisioned. The first work I would use to describe it is dirty. I don't think life in the south is for me.

15. Went to the beautiful wedding in Seattle. Enjoyed every second of it. It was beautifully arranged and the bride and groom were so happy. It made me believe in love again. I also enjoyed spending time with family.

16. I went to see Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dog with Sarah, and Snoop did Drop it Like It's Hot which was amazing. I also really enjoyed Wiz Khalifa's Ass Drop performance. Jhene Aiko and Kevin Gates were there as well and I grew fonder of their movement. I don't want to remember how much smoke was involved. I have never been around that many people openly smoking an illegal substance. Thank goodness the concert was outside and none of the security team members were professionals.

17. I started watching Parenthood and it changed my life. Definitely one of those shows that makes a big impact on you. You really feel what the characters are going through and start to understand what life as a parent is like. I can't wait to be a mama someday. Still. Lets hope I'm not still saying I can't wait ten years from now and I actually am one.

17. I was able to reconnect with two of my old high school friends. It was great to know that the love is still there and they are two people I can count on. I was really excited to hear about all the progress they've made in the short period of time we hadn't been communicating.

18. I got to visit Atlanta with my family. Our first day of touring started at CNN Center. We got to take photos with the CNN sign and enter the dining area there. There were flags from all different countries and we could see the rooms where all the recording is done. We couldn't take a tour, because they were closed for the day. We also went to Coca-Cola World, the Jimmy Carter Center, and the Martin Luther King National Historic Site.

19. I met  a man who changed my world. CJIII. I don't know if next year will bring us closer together or force me to realize that our time has to come to an end at some point or another. I hope that it brings us closer together and he maintains a permanent place in my life. I think I love this man.

19. Me Before You became my favorite movie. I think I watched it 6-7 times this year, but it wasn't enough. I loved the soundtrack.

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away. This year to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special"

Where am I? I think the focus should be on there here and now. It is 12/22/2016 at 9:30 am. I am sitting at the front desk of the student housing office hoping no one emails or calls. It's three days before Christmas, and I'm still grumpy AF.

Education

It all started with a really tough finals week. I survived and got decent grades, but a lot of my finals were on the fine line of boosting me to a better grade. I was one point away from an A in my law & ethics course, and two points away from a B in pharmacology. I tried to act like I don't care and push it out of my mind, but it sucked.

Love 

In the last two months, I met two great guys. They weren't my usual sucky contenders. There was A who is a Kappa at a nearby school. We exchanged numbers then barely talked. He's still doing little things to continue expressing interest but interest without action is dead. That phrase can also apply to the man I'm in pharmacy school with that's the most logical contender. We are both in professional school, both black, and I have a connection of sorts to his mother. He's from California (where I can see myself living someday). But low and behold, I could not keep his attention. And I'm tired. I refuse to chase either one of them or give some pathetic speech about the qualities I have that they should appreciate.

I met a third guy through tinder who's not nearly as great. He just got out of an eight year relationship. He also lost all his money from the lifestyle him and this woman maintained. He's much older and has a pretty formal job, but no college education. He's interested in working towards certifications that will advance him in his career. His strong suits are definitely drive and vision. But he too sucks. He initially texted every day, but I should have known it wouldn't end well. We both wanted two very different things out of love and life. I expressed that I'm interested in a serious relationship and he expressed that he is not interested in that at the moment. We agreed to still enjoy each others company despite these differences, but I think it's coming to an end now.

My old work is ever present in my life. Over Thanksgiving break me and my Omega Boo went to the mall together for black Friday shopping. We started rebuilding our friendship when I wished him a Happy Founders Day in November. I have to look back at old texts to see how this really happened and we ended up in the same room again. (20 seconds later...) Found it! He had invited me to go out to a VIP club event the night of Thanksgiving with him and his line brother. I agreed to go, because my mother, brother, and father had to work most of Thanksgiving this year. Since he couldn't go home to be with his family, it seemed perfect. His line brother didn't end up having the event he had told us about, so we spoke the next morning. Hanging out was still something we both wanted to do. I told him I was going to the mall and asked if he wanted to come with. That's when he told me that he no longer has a car. I expect these kind of tragedies from him, because the poor guy can't seem to get a break.

When I arrived, he got in the car and we started catching up bit by bit. He ended up getting evicted from his previous home. The home was under his name, so it negatively effected his credit. He bought a bike after not having a car, then ended up getting in a bike accident the day of his Founder's Day. The bike no longer works and all he got from the guy was $20.00. It was a lot of unfortunate events, but he's used to this lifestyle. It didn't seem to phase him too much. At least not in front of me. We walked into a lot of different stores. He bought us popcorn from topsy's. The whole time I couldn't tell if it was a date or not. At the end he made it clear and DTR'd. He wanted to get five guys before we left. The cashier assumed we were together and tried to take my order immediately after his. He acted like he was going to pay then gave me a weird look (so weird that I can't describe it. It wasn't being sheepish. It wasn't rude. It was just weird, but I can still see it in me head). He followed up by stating that I was just going to "make him pay" even though we're just friends. I hate poor mentalities. My pockets were nearly empty, but I wasn't going to let him get away with feeling used or taken advantage of. I gave him the money he asked for and the rest of the evening was awkward. We argued a lot about my driving and he irritated me. He ended up getting out of the car quickly and not inviting me up. We small talked for a couple days after, but that was that. We just continue confirming the fact that we don't belong together.

While we're still talking about irrelevant people, my rebound Haitian guy from this summer found love in the sun. After being MIA for months, he posted his WCW. She's a drop dead gorgeous light skinned girl. It shouldn't have hurt me, but it did. I know I'm not like that girl appearance wise and he upgraded me. Ugh.

Finally the man that means love to me. The one that made the most significant impact of the year. The one that I want. I waited all December 16th for my birthday wish from him. It was the one person who really mattered. Midnight found me at the movie theater watching Collateral Beauty starring Will Smith and the surprisingly funny Helen Mirren. I checked my phone soon after and there was no message from the one that matters. I did the most for his birthday. I attempted to send a card from here to Afghanistan and it didn't make it in time. In fact, I'm pretty sure it got lost in the mail or withheld from him. Anyways, the point is that I worked really hard to acknowledge his birthday and make him feel special. Then he went and missed mine. This is the perfect expression of my problems in love and life. I work so hard and try to make things perfect for people who never cared in the first place. Above and beyond translates to "you're doing too much" , and I never receive the same treatment in return. I try to remind myself that I wasn't doing it for anything in return, but am I so wrong for wanting him to love me that way I love him? Just this once or maybe for a lifetime.

He ended up wishing me a happy birthday three days after my actual birthday. That sparked the beginning of a conversation that's still going now. Here's to hoping it never dies. I want him so bad. I could go on and on about why I like him or why he matters. But I don't want to jinx it. I also don't believe that him and I will be together. I feel like I'm just a place holder until he finds a model type woman like my Haitian guy did.

I'm also sick and tired of this girl who just got in her first relationship continuously posting about how great it is and sending out advice like she wasn't in the same shoes a year ago.  It's an additional, unnecessary downer.

Body

I just had a piece of skin removed from my chest. It's getting tested, and I'm praying that it's no big deal. Hopefully the testing will give them a good mechanism for treating it. So I can finally be free of how uncomfortable its made me. 

I also gained 20 pounds since July. All I can say is I hate me. 

Song of the day : Last Christmas 

Quote of the day : "Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."

Top Songs of 2016

1. Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin : In my head, starting off the list with this song is controversial. It was not released in 2016, and it's a gospel song. This forces me to assume that a majority of people really don't know this song. But this song defined my year. I started to imagine myself and what I could be. This song lead to many tears and many moments of empowerment. It was my go to song. It speaks for itself : "Imagine me being strong and not letting people break me down, you won't get my joy this time around". I fought to keep my joy this year despite obstacles and people who attempted to take it from me.

2. Sunday Candy by Chance the Rapper : It was Chance's year musically and outside of the music industry. I get chills thinking about him marching all those black people from inner city Chicago to the polls for one of the most important elections of our time.  The song is not technically by Chance the Rapper. It's by a group coined Donnie Trumpet & The Social Experiment. I loved that he didn't force publicity and accreditation for this work. He's an individual whose talent moves mountains. The hook "You gotta move slowly. Take and eat my body like it's holy. I've been waiting for you for this whole week. I've been praying for you, you're my Sunday candy"

3. Too Good by Drake ft. Rihanna: In 2016, I fell in love. Just one time with one man and this song explained the struggles of dating in our century. The two artists together were magic. If Chance was the artist of the year, then Drake and Rihanna were the couple of the year. They were beautiful together musically and aesthetically. I had the pleasure of going to the Summer 16 Tour and seeing this song as well as many others performed live. Definitely one of my best memories of the year.

4. Work by Rihanna ft. Drake : When this song came in at the club I was lit. The Jamaican vibes were everything and everyone wanted to show that their hips don't lie. The fondest memory I have dancing to this song was either at the wedding I attending in Seattle or after celebrating one of my sorority sisters birthdays at the Cave. Play it, and I promise i'll start dancing. Even if it's just a little bit.

5. Sorry by Beyonce : "So what will you say at my funeral now that you've killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead. Rest in peace, my true love, who I took for granted... Her heaven will be a love without betrayal. Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks". Does anything else need to be said? It couldn't be more raw and real. Add the visuals and Serena Williams and it's done. I didn't buy it, because I'm petty and haven't been supporting Beyonce for awhile now. But even I couldn't ignore Lemonade.

6. Redemption by Drake : Speaking of raw, Redemption. This piece was absolutely beautiful. Classic drake took the words straight from my heart and the hearts of this generation. "Please give me time, cause I'm searching for these words to say to you", "Not having closure it takes a lot out of me. This year for Christmas, I just want apologies", "I gave your nickname to someone else", "I miss the feeling of you missing me". I felt all these things so many times this year and of course Drake felt them too. Anyone who claims Drake was not involved in the artistry of VIEWS should listen to this song and shut up, because no one else makes music like this.

7. No Problems by Chance the Rapper ft. Lil Wayne & 2 Chainz) : Like I said, it's Chance's year. This song was fun in all settings. I sang along to it more times than I can count in the car and everyone got hype when they played it at brothers. Lil Wayne was featured on the hit and it makes so much sense. He's had problems with Young Money for quite awhile now, so it was clear his verse came from the heart. It was also nice to hear from the Weezy F. Baby after a loooooong time.


8. For Free by DJ Khalid ft. Drake : The beats on this DJ Khalid album was crazy. He got famous for his crazy snapchats and I can honestly say that I didn't watch a single one. "Major Key" and "They didn't what him to (   ) , but he did it anyway" will be phrases that really stick out about this year. He made an impact and it was a great dancing song. I was clearly into shaking my butt allllllllll summer sixteen.

9. Controlla by Drake : I tried to keep this from becoming a Drake list, but I don't know how not to. Putting luv in front of Controlla would be a crime against humanity. Making it number nine is a crime against humanity. Putting it after for free is a crime against humanity. Maybe I should just push it up to number one. Ahhh.

10. Luv by Tory Lanez : 2016 was just the year of Jamaican vibes. That's all I was really listening to. This song was the perfect fit for that vibe.

11. Come and See Me by Drake ft. PARTYNEXTDOOR : This was the year that I finally got into partnextdoor. I knew his name and knew that he was signed to OVO. I understood that he was soulful and understood love and heartbreak. This is the song from the album that stood out the most. "Things change, people change, feelings change too. Never thought the circumstances would have changed you".

12. Exchange by Bryson Tiller : This years love songs were just so real. This is another one that hits home and really describes our generation. That's part of the reason I hated it. Bryson is praying "Lord, please save her for me" and saying "I hope she's waiting for me". She shouldn't have to wait for you. You should just man up and be what she needs.

13. All on You by Nick Fradiani : I have been looking for this sound for quite some time. It's sort of a mix between an Ed Sheeran sound and a boy band sound. Not too slow. Enthusiastic guitar. If this genre were a person, it would be Nick Jonas. While the songs he released about "put some bacon on it" were far from good, this ones a hit. The blame really should be placed on the other person when all you wanted to do was love them. #BitterNewNick&ITogether

14. Unsteady by X Ambassadors : This song was so beautiful that I'm listening to it for the millionth time this year and still getting shivers. I heard it for the first time at Encore (the Free State High School pop music extravaganza). It was a trio who sang it beautifully, but I didn't bother to look it up after. Then this song appeared on the trailer for the best. movie. ever. aka Me Before You.

15. Cold Water by Justin Bieber : I completed the initial list without this piece and it was crazy. I don't know where my head was. But this song is so good that I'm willing to take the time to renumber all the other pieces in the list. You're welcome.

16. Not Nice by PARTYNEXTDOOR : Another Jamaican hit. Loved it!

17. Black Beatles by Rae Sremmurd : At one point this fall, everyone did the mannequin challenge. It was relevant enough that this song had to make the top 15. It's a rap hit. Definitely doesn't pull at our emotional strings at all, but the beat and everything else that went into the song makes it irresistible and impossible not to sing along to.

18. I Hate You, I Love You by gnash. One line completely sums up my love for this song "I'm always tired but never of you".

19. Better Man by Little Big Town : The words for this song were written by Taylor Swift and it's beautiful. It just really hits home for me. I hope it's not one of those songs I appreciate for five minutes. But I'm sure everyone can relate wishing that special guy was a better man. More worthy of the title and love that you pour into them. I hope 2017 is better on this end and the men are up to par.

20. Closer by the Chainsmokers : I learned half the lyrics to this song incorrectly, but it topped the charts for weeks and weeks. "We ain't never getting older" just means so much more than it used to. At 22 I realize that the youthful days of clubbing and that kind of thing are slowly ending. Suddenly I'm not the youngest woman in the room anymore. It's weird. This song just describes the desire to be young, wild, and free well.

21. Rather Be by Clean Bandit : This was one of my favorite pop singles of the year. It kind of gave me EDM vibes, but I didn't mind it. The chorus makes you just want to start jumping up and down.The words hit home too.

22. Caroline by Anime : When I was walking to school feeling cute, the song that I wanted to set the mood was Caroline. It just makes you feel like a "bad thing. fine as hell". No ones on your level. I think of it as a runway song. You can twirl, it has a slow beat, and a guy I very briefly talked to used it for his women in stroll like a kappa.

23. Budapest by George Ezra : I really liked this song. I have no idea other black people considered it weird until I played it at a sorority event. The room felt so uncomfortable and our big, jerk of an adviser kept making fun of it. She pleaded with me to "change the station" play some "normal" music and in that moments she broke my heart. Because Budapest is normal, and you can't bury me in the same box that you reside in.

24. Cheap Thrills by Sia ft. Sean Paul  : I said it three times, but i'll say it again, Caribbean vibes ruled 2016. & Sean Paul made a comeback!!!

25. Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes : Y'all are tired of hearing me talk about how heartbroken I was the entire second half of 2016. Listen to the song. You'll get it.

26. Wicked by Future : I loved this song every time I went out. I just couldn't figure out what Future was saying. I thought it was more of a sound effect like "wao wao wao wao way", but it was actually Wicked the entire time. I got to hear it live two times, because I got it like that. The first time was exclusively back stage with the KU Basketball team. I told you I got it like that.


Top Country Songs of MY Year : 
1. Amen by Hunter Hayes
2. A Little Bit Stronger by Sarah Evans
3. Perfect Storm by Brad Paisley : "She's so complicated that's the way God made her. Sunshine mixed with a little hurricane". Me. Me. Me. Brad may be singing about his wife, but he was probably singing about me.
4. She's Everything by Brad Paisley : I got on this Brad Paisley kick after getting to see him live in concert at the football stadium. I went all by my lonesome. It wasn't as fun as it could have been if I wasn't by myself, but I learned to be more independent.
5. Break Up In a Small Town by Sam Hunt : He knows our lives! This is really what it's like in a small town.
6. Ordinary Girl by Hannah Montana : Discovered this song when studying with a friend who is no longer in pharmacy school. I feel like an ordinary goal a majority of the time and she got it so right. A quote, so you know where I'm coming from.
7. Somebody Like You by Kieth Urban : I love it! I love it! I love it!

"Sometimes I'm lazy, I get bored. I get scarred; I feel ignored. I feel happy, I get silly. I choke on my own words. I have wishes. I have dreams and I still want to believe : anything can happen in this world for an ordinary girl"

Honorable Mention That's Not Country 

1. Que Sera Sera by Doris Day : My mama suggested this song to me at just the right song. I have a whole blog post about the importance of it.

2. Can't Keep My Eyes Off You by Lauren Hill : People love her and I never really got thought about her past Sister Act 2. But this song was beautiful. In love with this version. It was suggested by my work family.

3. Unpretty by TLC : This song was a suggestion from my soror for our Valient Violets banquet. It was one of my greatest achievements in the sorority. I was beyond proud of it and this song motivated me during that time. Helped me build my confidence.

"You Had My Attention; It Was All On You"

Dear Moose,

I always have the urge to write a letter after a relationship ends. Especially when it ends the way the one between you and I did. There were no goodbyes and no explanations. I was left with my thoughts unheard and my feelings unreciprocated. I didn't get to speak on what was on my heart. I didn't get to speak on what I hoped for you and I. I didn't get to say anything and that really hurts me. It hurts me that you chose to block me instead of deal with our issues. Was it really that hard to tell me the truth? All I wanted was for you to be honest. You didn't need to be perfect or even close to it. You just needed to show me who you really are, so I could decide weather or not you were worth it. If it makes a difference, I did think you were worth it. You lied to me and broke me in more ways than one. But I never planned on leaving you. I didn't think it was the end. I thought that you were actually going to call me back. I might have even been weak enough to apologize to you when you called. For how passionate I sounded and how I accused you without letting you explain everything for yourself.

You leaving gave me time tot think and see the light. I don't have anything to feel bad about. You lied to me not the other way around. I didn't need to let you explain, because you proved what I always knew was the truth deep down inside. You lie a lot. If I can't trust you, then what you say doesn't matter anyways. I didn't give you an opportunity to explain yourself, because that would have just been giving you an opportunity to lie to me again. I can tell you what I am sorry about though. I'm sorry I'm not like her. I'm sorry I don't know about all the women in your life an just shrug it off. I don't know how to blame things on being young. Because I don't think being young is an excuse to hurt other people. What you don't realize is emotionally hurting someone can hurt more than a slap ever will. You didn't beat me, but you still broke me.

How did you break me you ask? I'm happy to tell you. You broke me by making me think that there was something wrong with me. That I wasn't worth leaving the other women in your life for. That  I didn't deserve to ask these things of you if I wasn't having sex with you. You made me questions weather I was wrong for sharing my feelings. You made me question weather my feeling were wrong. You made me question my past relationships. Were they lying to me too? Have I been delusional this whole time? You made me fell bad for not trusting you when you knew that you were lying all along. You made me feel bad for feeling so strongly about you after such a short amount of time. We're dating in 2016. Two months means nothing. I "shouldn't" have felt as strongly as I did, but I did. I don't know how to feel bad about that.

One night when we were on the phone saying goodbyes and you kept saying "and" , "and", "and" prompting me to say more to you, I thought you wanted me to tell you that I love you. I even kind of wanted to say the words myself. We talked so much about so many things. It was really easy for me to open up to you. We had a connection I've never experienced with anyone before, because you're African too. You know my culture. The side of me that people fail to recognize. I felt like you saw all of me. Because I was being honest. Because I was letting you see all of me. When you talked about your football player sons, I pictured having them for you. I pictured our life together. In California. I get that these were all things I did. You didn't ask me to and you definitely didn't encourage me to get too carried away.

I have learned a lot from you. I have learned that I can't keep accepting mediocracy when I know that what I want is true love. I learned that I can't give second, third, and fourth chances. If someone shows signs of bad character traits, I can't ignore them. I can't be blindsided when you were showing me who you were the entire time. You didn't want something real. Not with me. I chose not to see that, but I now I know. I got the message loud and clear.

This whole experience has motivated me to stop dating. I've given it a good year and a half of trying. I've tried dating all kind of men in all kinds of different ways. It hasn't worked out. I've been left emptier than I was before. So I'm going to take a couple months to fill myself. I am a complete person without a partner in life. If I never find love, I won't have a heart attack and die. I will more than survive. I will strive. I can love myself. I can also get inseminated. It's the twenty first century, and I'm a strong, independent black women who doesn't NEED a man. Especially one who wants to waste my time or tell more lies than truth. I don't need a man that makes me feel difficult or crazy. I need one that sees that I'm made of sunshine and a little bit of hurricane. Someone who has love that they can't wait to give a good girl like me. Not because I have nice boobs (which I do) or because I'm smart and motivated. Because he sees every little imperfection and realizes that those make me who I am. I need a man who's never going to give up. Who's never just going to walk away the way you did. Because I deserve better. I know that now.

My final parting words are life advice. Be a good person. Despite what your parents may have taught you, nice people don't always finish last. They win by being proud of who they are within. Find some new role models. Young Thug and drug dealers definitely aren't goals. All those people are nothing when the flashy things go away. There's more to life than stacks of money, jimmy choo's, and Versace t-shirts. Stop doing drugs. They are bad for you. They cause call kinds of terrible diseases and mess with your mind. Your brain is the most important organ in your body. It is necessary for everything that you do. Don't mess it up over good times and stress relief. Stay blessed and beautiful. You may have shut all doors, but I didn't. If you ever need anything (someone to listen, a shoulder to cry on), I'm here as a friend that wants nothing but the best for you.

With Love,
MAA

"You Hit Me With "I Know You're There With Someone Else". That Pussy Knows Me Better Than I Know Myself"

I'm going to start this post by saying Shit Happens. Especially when it's me on this search for love I've been obsessed with my whole life. Let me remind you of my second grade poem (editing corrected) : "Love is something you can never give up. It's something you just know and that it will go on for the rest of your life. And you know you can never live without them and your really lucky if yo have that. The end." I've wanted it for so long! I try to find love in every man I get to know and maybe I'm wrong for doing that. Maybe it puts too much pressure on them. Maybe it makes me let the wrong guys get away with too much, because I'm hoping that even with their flaws they can find a way to love me. After pretty much exactly two months, the moose ghosted on me. He blocked me on his phone, twitter, snapchat, and instagram. All at once with no kind of warning what so ever.

Two nights before he disappeared he gave me a beautiful speech about how you're supposed to go in blind when it comes to love. You're not supposed to protect yourself from hurt. You're supposed to let yourself feel and try to see the best in the person. The entire time we were talking I was searching for his lies. To be fair there were many of them. He had a girlfriend. Every time I asked if he had one, he said no. Then I finally admitted that I knew he had one from twitter. The girl posts about him. He forced her to make her page private and brushed it off as nothing. He kept telling me to "chill". What he didn't know was it wasn't over, because I can see her on instagram. So I brought it up again, and he said that they were together but not really. He was only with her for the perks that she provides. He said that she was related to the vice provost of the school who helped him with a situation he faced there. He told me she was really well off and drove a Range Rover and an Audi 6. I believed him. I felt that it was wrong to use a woman for what she had, but he made her the enemy. You make someone dislike someone by making them less human. It's what Hitler did and what he did as well. He convinced me that she wasn't like us. That she was rich and spoiled and it didn't matter that he was using her. He said that they don't spend a lot of time with one another. Blah blah blah.

The secrets lied in her instagram. She definitely didn't look like a rich girl to me, but I didn't dwell on it until the second time my best friend came to see me. She pointed out that the pictures of the girls room looked basic AF. I'm not a rich girl, but I sleep on a bed with a headboard. I have a night stand, desk, and dresser. All four match. She had none of the above. He said she drove a Range Rover, but when she posted her view there was a van. Monday night during the nice conversation we had, I asked him who he went to Texas Roadhouse and got pedicures with. I knew that it was her. He wouldn't admit it. He said he got pedicures with EJ who also needs them, because they both play basketball again. He claimed to go out to eat with friends to. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't. I told him exactly why I couldn't. His snaps never have people in them. How suspicious is that? He also was talking about how broke he was. Probably because he paid for all of this days festivities for him and bae. I still chose to believe him. To truly believe him.

 Woke up the next morning and sent him a text that said "Good Morning use. I woke up thinking about you and our conversation, and I Want you to know that I do trust you. I really amy willing to give it my all and go in blind, because I really want to feel everything that I feel for you. I hope you have a really really really really really great Monday". All he said back was "I like your style". That's when I should have known. That's not enough. I said something beautiful and he sent back one line and a smiley face emoji. Red flags people. Red flags. I still felt okay about it. Until I went to shawty's instagram again. She posted photos of him and her mother at Texas Roadhouse. She followed that post up with a national boyfriends post. In the post she thanked him for watching her dog (who he told me was his roommates even though I knew better), and all the delicious meals he's been making her. The meals that I've been helping him cook! I felt betrayed. The snaps he was sending me, he was sending her too. It was too much. I had just decided to open up and give him all of me, and I realized the person I wanted to do all of this for is a lier. I told him I lied and he said I was over reacting. I also sent him a great Omarion Ice Box Emoji that I'm really proud of. He asked if we could talk about this so we did.

I told him everything I felt. All my emotions were on the table. I told him he lied and he kept asking what he lied about. I told him that he was only asking, so he would't accidently reveal other things he had lied about, because he's a liar. His defense was that he didn't lie he just "omitted information". In that moment it just sounded like blah blah blah to me. As I told my story and asked him to answer certain things, it was becoming obvious that a lot of what he'd said to me about other women was a lie. During this conversation, he interacted with another women that complemented his cooking skills and mentioned his girlfriend. I asked him what that last line she said was and he refused to answer, because he knew it was about his girlfriend. He said that I was antagonizing him, and it wasn't fair because he didn't have anything on me. That's when I realized he didn't have anything on me because I'M A GOOD PERSON! Unlike most people, I can be an open book. Nothing to hide.

I guess part of what really hurt me was that he was going to dinner with her mom. That's a big deal. Only serious boyfriends meet parents. I've never introduced my mother to a man. None of the ones in my life have been worthy of her presence if we're being honest. He said that it was no big deal. That american girls are different. They always introduce men to their families. Even if they're just friends. I guess what he failed to realize is that I'm an American girl too. I know what American girls do.That's not it. He asked if I had guy friends and I said I didn't. That's the truth. None that know my family and are close to me on a personal level. He said I was antagonizing him and he couldn't finish this conversation. I said I thought it was important to have the conversation when we were both vulnerable. He asked if I was breaking up with him. I said of course not. How could I go from wanting to grow in our relationship to wanting to break up. He asked what the point of this conversation was then (as if he wasn't the one who asked to talk about it). I told him that I just wanted him to know that I was hurt, and he said that he knew that. He could feel my hurt from all the way in Washington. That line meant something to me. I'm glad he acknowledged it. He then told me that we were going to finish this conversation later and hung up. I personally believe he had to hung out because it was national boyfriend day and he had an appointment to get some booty *Blacc Chyna voice*. I texted hm saying I wasn't rushing him to finish the conversation, but I was going to bed. That message went through but he did all the blocking at some point after that.

Being the pathetic girl I am, I still found a way to reach out to him. He called it "when ghosting goes wrong". It was so simple and a joke to him, but it broke me. I ended by telling him Kila la heri and he said "you too Mariam". So ends the story of him and I. It's over. People always leave. Correction: people always leave me. But you already knew that didn't you.

Song of the day : Faithful by Drake (ft. dvsn)

Quote of the day: Graceful exits are possible. Not everything has to be a tornado. Let go of people in silence and be appreciative of what you had.

2016 Break Up Playlist

I don't know what the theme of 2016 would be. It could be "Love like I've never known it Before", because I finally got to go on dates and have deeper connections with men who were at least semi-serious about me. It could also be "Heartbreak: over and over and over and over agaiiiiin" *dvsn voice*. With trying to find love comes finding heartbreak, and I am so grateful for the music that got me through it. Here it all is. In no particular order. 

1. A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans

2. Hold on to Me by X Ambassadors

3. Somebody's Heartbreak by Hunter Hayes

4. Break up in a Small Town by Sam Hunt

5. Too Good by Drake

6. Redemption by Drake 

7. Water Under the Bridge by Adele

8. Someone Like You by Adele

9. Rolling in the Deep by Adele (the seven stages of grief are real, and anger is especially real for me).

10. All on you by Nick Fradiani

11. I hate u, I love u by Gnash

12. Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes

13. Rather Be by Clean Bandit "If you gave me a shot, I would take it. It's a shot in the dark, but I'd make it" (Why didn't he give me another chance? Why did he give up on what we had?)

14. I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann W. (Don't let no hell bent heart leave you bitter. When you feel like giving up, reconsider)

15. Ordinary Girl by Hannah Montana 

16. Karaoke by Drake

17. He Wasn't Man Enough by Toni Braxton (Wish I could see her in concert tonight!!)

18. Sorry by Beyonce 

19. Sex With You by Rihanna

20. Cups (When I'm Gone) by Pitch Perfect Cast

21. What Can I Say by Carrie Underwood (this one hit home. More than any of the others)

22. Not Nice by PARTYNEXTDOOR

23. Try by Colbie Callout

24. Love Yourself by Justin Bieber 

These are the songs on rotation right now. Getting me through it. I'll be alright. 

Quote of the day: "Graceful exits are possible. Not every ending has to be a tornado. Let go of people in silence and be appreciative of what you had". 

"I Don't Wanna Take This Life For Granted Like I Used To Do. I Wanna Love Somebody; Love Somebody Like You"

Dear Kitty (If you caught the Anne Frank reference, you're the real MVP),

I fell in love again, and I didn't tell you. This time it was kept a secret, because I was pretty focused on school. When I wasn't in school, I was constantly communication with this man (lets call him Moose). I met him a year ago in Cali. We got to spend some one on one time together, because we were both under 21 and couldn't go to the bar with everyone else. We had a nice conversation, but I didn't really see it becoming anything more than it was. I assumed that all three men were going to fall for one of my best friends. She's drop dead gorgeous and a black guy magnet, so it was just a matter of time. I can't think of this encounter without that "black men love group sex" joke. Most memorable part of the whole experience. Fast forward about six months later and the moose is in my DMS. It was pretty casual, but he sent kissy faces. That caught my attention. I realized he saw me as more than a long lost encounter and was trying to see where it went. We eventually moved out of DMs and on to text messages after a message from him stating "A n---- don't have unlimited data" or something similar to that. So then we were texting. The conversation came to an end when I went to bed and he went to a party. That was that.

Fast forward another 6+ months. My father helped true love persevere. A friend of my fathers brought a friend of his to ask him a question when he was visiting Seattle. The guy told a story of how he was a single father in love with a women. This women's parents did not want him to marry her, but he had nothing but good intentions. He didn't want to know life without her and was willing to remain with her unmarried if that was the only option. Nothing was going to keep them apart (I am probably making this way more romantic than this actually was). The father of this beautiful girl was a guy that my dad grew up with. So he offered to go talk to him to see if he could help in some way or another. The conversation with the young maiden's father went well, and he agreed to let his daughter marry the lover boy. She invited our whole family to the wedding and said she wanted my dad right next to her father when she gets married. The young maiden happened to be the moose's cousin. So I knew that I would see the moose once again.

Fast forward to the wedding weekend. I got to wear three beautiful dresses and the celebration was unforgettable. Beautiful decor. I loved the table set up each of the days. The bride and group walking in to You're Still the One by Shania Twain, and I loved that too. It was great! Towards the end of he wedding, the DJ started playing American Music. Work, Controlla, and One Dance back to back. Despite the fact my unbelievable tall heels were killing me, I had to dance because Drake is bae. I love him. This was a week after I had experienced the magic that is the Summer Sixteen Tour, so I was hype. Mariam and I danced. He was dancing with his cousin and strategically made his way over to me. Next thing you know him and I were dancing. Next thing you know, I was semi-twerking on him. God only knows how long it lasted, because I was really nervous about my family. Eventually I turned around and acted like a respectable African Girl again. But it happened. So I'm desperately awaiting the video to see it. I saw him the next day at the lunch. He claims that he didn't see me. We didn't talk and I shot him a text that said "It was really good seeing you again" and he said "It was good seeing you too Mariam". This is probably where it should have ended, but of course it didn't.

I thought of him as I was happily touring Seattle. We went to the aquarium, beach from, Seattle Eye, China Town, Lake Washington, Underground Tour and so many other cool tourist places. Mariam and I spent most of our days out and about. I also enjoyed delicious African food cooked by my aunty Samia. Yum yum. We flew home on a thursday and our uncle happened to be on the same flight with his son. We all rode home together, and on the car ride back I text my moose. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it sparked a conversation. A conversation that went on for two straight months with the exception of 1-2 days total. We talked about everything. Our culture, our families, our majors, our academic experiences, our romantic experiences. When we talked about Drake and he could say the lyrics back to me so easily my heart was happy. When he sent me a beautiful playlist that Ed Sheeran made an appearance on, my heart was even happier. When he told me that when I See him, he could sing the entire 1989 album to me, I was ready to Thank God for helping me find my soulmate. Music is a big part of my life and an even bigger part of his life, so it was nice having someone to share these conversations with. He despised my country music, but who doesn't?

Though most of what he shared with me was good, there was a decent amount of bad too. Drug use and lots of women. But it didn't matter, because I felt that he was worth going through it for. I know it sounds stupid, but I was lost in a fairytale. The fact that it would be four years before we could even possibly live in the same city, and stood no chance of getting a physical connection didn't stop me. I still have this fairytale idea that love conquers all. I knew that if it was meant to be, it would be. It's been a long time since I have connected with a guy the way I connected with Moose. I may have never had that kind of connection to be honest. That all day every day on my mind. You're the first person I want to tell everything to kind of like. In the club snapping and texting you, because no one else could get my attention even if I tried. Only dressing up to snap you kind of like. I was in deep. It was real. I dove in head first and enjoyed everything we had while we had it. I wish I could tell you that this story ended in my happily ever after (finally), but it didn't. Stay tuned for the sad finale.

Song of the day: Somebody Like You by Keith Urban

Quote: "Stop being afraid to feel. The best feelings in life come organically. Something you aren't in control of. Trying to be numb is a waste of time"

"Living Might Mean Taking Chances, But They're Worth Taking. Loving Might Be A Mistake, But It's Worth Making"

Good Morning World,

Today is Thursday, and there are exactly four more days of summer left. This summer has been a time of many realizations for me, and I'm happy to say that I'm in a relatively good place now. While bored at work, I went to buzzfeed. As always, they didn't fail to entertain me. They had list of the most meaningful quotes from modern day literature. So many of them stuck up out to me. I decided to save and discuss a few.

 “When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence". 

This summer I spent a lot of time thinking about me. Things I have accomplished. Mistakes I have made. All the things I want for my life. At one point this summer, every time I thought about these things I would feel myself start to tear up. Would I actually cry? Sometimes. The most memorable day was when I was driving home from the gym. I was listening to I Hope You Dance for the beats and I realized that the wishes she was discussing were wishes I had for myself that I felt I wasn't reaching. It was Kim Kardashian ugly tears. That's when I realized just how hurt I was by the summers events. I don't cry. I don't get sad, so even a little bit of sadness is a huge deal to me. 

The lyric in I Hope You Dance that was really bringing all the feels was "Never settle for the path of least resistance. Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking. Loving might be a mistake, but its worth making. Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter". A majority of the advice I desperately needed was encompassed in this lyric. I have been settling for the path of least resistance. It's in my nature to just apologize when need be and deal with peoples craziness. I didn't realize how much it was negatively affecting me until I got to experience a couple days without giving those people that power in my life. I had a few people that drained me with their comments or negative energy. Although I'm still not mean enough to cut them off completely, I have learned to limit my time in their presence. The friendship can work under those circumstances. I also showed my Dad a body shaming video. It didn't work, but at least I tried. 

Taking chances. Each and every year I feel like I am more and more unapologetic. Capable of speaking my mind. I feel like I've reached a new peak this summer, and I'm proud of it. This is only the beginning. I hope I can continue to be this open with people and putting myself out there. Vulnerability has turned into another mini goal for the year. The second line really hit home too. Sometimes loving is mistake. Vulnerability gives another the power to hurt you. Sometimes you give the wrong person that power and they break you. But that doesn't mean you should be bitter. Bitter is where I found myself the first week of July. I was angry about my "wasted time". But it wasn't really wasted time was it? I learned, grew, and hurt. Hurting wasn't fun, but it needed to happen to take me to where I need to be. I slowly started barring bitterness from my heart and I'm in a much better place now. I met a new guy. A much better man. And I am so excited about him. It's a good feeling. 

Now back to the quote that started this whole post. That's quote was what I needed to get over the final hump and move towards joy. After I had worked through all my issues, I was still focused on me. How does this make me feel? Let me recall the different things I learned last week? What can I do to move myself further? It was I, Me, Her all the time. It was time finally time for me to stop dwelling on myself and start dwelling on the universe. My surroundings. School. The people I love. The things I love. And most importantly those that need me. I'm back to listening to others vent and reporting the freak maintenance incidents at KU that everyone else just walks by. La Vita e Bella ~ Life is Beautiful  

Song of the Day: I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack

Quote of the day:
 “When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence".

Strength and Guidance. All That I'm Wishing For My Friends

I'm at a crossroads with myself and all my self discoveries are leading to discoveries about the people in my life. These evaluations are just leading me to loneliness. For the first time in my life, I'm unhappy with almost all my friendships. I'm 21 and everyone is so engulfed in clubbing, drinking, and fucking. I normally edit these, so that they're a little brighter. I just can't brighten this cup. All three things go together. I have a friend who finds drinking glamorous. I really think she only drinks to snapchat and clink glasses, because drinking doesn't loosen her up. She's just as uptight and afraid as always. My other friends drink more recreationally. It's really fun for them and they enjoy being intoxicated. I just don't want to drink and watching them drink isn't fun for me. I thought a bar would be fun, because in the movies you sit on the stool and meet the love of your life. Who wouldn't want that? It really ends up being me sitting next to them as they take shots and we stare at each other in silence.

When did we become silent? That's the question I ask myself a lot these days. Part of me wonders if my friends were always silent, and I just didn't mind. Maybe I liked talking about myself, hearing myself talk, and giving my opinion so much that I didn't care or notice they weren't talking before. Maybe I silenced them. If I did, I feel guilty. Maybe my judgements were really too much. Maybe they don't feel loved by me or fear what I will say. All I know is there isn't much talking anymore. With some friends, I think it's because they have absolutely nothing going on. I think that they've paused their lives and aren't doing much of anything. Maybe they know exactly what they want and don't want to accept any more, or maybe they're just scared. Scared of heartbreak, failure, and everything that comes with living boldly and fearlessly.

The clubbing used to be fun for me. I loved it too. I loved dressing up and feeling beautiful. The new little black dress, make up, falsies. Nails done, hair done, everything did. I loved feeling beautiful and the exciting feeling of hoping to turn heads. Maybe my love for clubbing changed when my body did I've gained twentyish pounds. I was already fat, so this was a big blow. I got big girl clothes at the beginning of the summer and that really helped. Clothes that looked better on me and didn't suffocate me made me feel good. Feeling good made me exute more comfortable. You'll be happy to know that the sexiest men i've ever attracted have been after/during the weight gain. I know that big girls get action and attention too. I'm just not as motivated to go to these places and put myself out there. Heartbreak played a role in that too. Dancing another huge reason I used to go out so much, but the music in tonic sucks. Tonic is the only club open in the summertime, so it's boring. The music at the cave is a little more motivating. I don't even mind that there are a ton of people from school there anymore. As for this summer, I just don't want to club. I got in the first argument with one of my friend in a long time over the club. She wanted to go so bad, and I just couldn't sacrifice myself and my needs that day to fufill hers. I chose to put myself first. That's not the best quality to have in a friend, I know. You shouldn't put yourself first, but I just couldn't convince myself to do it that day. It's getting harder and harder for me to do it any day. I don't want to be unhappy.

Fucking. Last year I started messing with the idea of having a sexual relationship. The key word was a relationship, but to this day I haven't been able to find someone who is willing to commit today. Who wants to be my boyfriend and build a life with me. The two things go together for me. They don't have to go together for everyone, but they do for me. I think watching how sexual relationships have ruined my friends lives led me to this decision. Two of my truest, closest friends are sex obsessed. One of them is having sex with multiple partners and not telling me. The catch 22 is everyone else is telling me. I don't bring it up to her cause its none of my business. But what kind of friend doesn't open up to you about things like that. A distant friend. Not a close friend. The other one is the one telling me stories about my other friend without realizing that she's doing pretty much the same thing. She's been having one night stands masked as talking or special all year long. I don't crush them, because they mean something to her and negative comments make her closed off and sensitive.

That's the moral of the story. Everyone is sensitive, and I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore. I don't want to lie or hold things back just so we can still be friends. I don't want to drink, club, and fuck for the reasons mentioned above and many more. So what am I doing? Sitting at home by myself. It's lonely, and I'm not used to not having anything to do. This is a whole different world for me. It's helping me focus more on my delta work (which I want nothing to do with) and my school work. I started watching Ted Talks and attempting to better myself through self discovery. I want a boyfriend. Someone I can devote my free time to. Someone I can speak with unfiltered. Someone who can make me feel full. Someone to do things with. I think I expect too much for my friends.  I want the closeness one is supposed to get from love from them. That's too big of a burden for anyone. I'm going to counseling on Monday, and I think it'll be good for me.

Song of the day : One Dance by Drake

quote of the day: "At the innermost core of loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with ones lost self"

"And I'm Not Sorry That It's Over, But For The Way We Let It End. So I Said All I Had To Say, In Letters That I Threw Away"

MIND

Things he taught me. 

1. I learned something from blackgirlsareeasy.com . The whole spartan movement is something I am capable of. I can walk up to an attractive guy with a nice body and even nicer car. I can charm him with my woman prowess, and I am worthy of his attention. This is huge! He was the hottest guy I ever dated. I loved me some him and surprisingly he loved him some me to. For five months that is.

1b. I'm worthy of dates. He opened the door for that. I've gotten lots of other dates since. I didn't have to ask or anything. I think my new sense of security and self-worth showed these men that I know what I deserve. 

2. I no longer hold back my feelings. I am an excellent communicator. When I was unhappy, I told him. When I missed him, I told him. When I wanted more interaction, I told him. Even when he shut down and stopped trying, I expressed how I felt. I even risked losing him to express my feelings and desires. I put me first, and I'm proud of myself for doing that. 

3. People always leave. Peyton Sawyer taught me this one back in my One Tree Hill obsessed days (are they over? no). I really saw something in CJIII, Every sign pointed to him feeling the same way and us living happily ever after or at least happily until deployment. I never predicted he would leave and leave in this way. I trusted his words. He specifically said he would never not talk to me again. That's exactly what he chose to do. He left. He proved that everything Peyton said was true. 

4. Loving him does not mean him loving you. Unrequited love is real. That doesn't make the feels that I have less real. I can love a person without them loving me back. I can love a person even though they've done me wrong, and I do not have to feel guilty about this love. 

5. Being in love will be better. I loved loving CJIII. But being loved back will be better and I can't wait for that day to come. 

6. I need to stick to my new years resolution. No situationships in 2016. I only want to fall for people who are falling just as hard and just as fast for me. 

7.  I don't want to settle. If there are qualities that they posses that irritate me and I can't see past them, its better to let them go before either party is in too deep. I know what I want. If nothing else, I know how I want to feel. If its not there, I shouldn't commit so deeply to it. Hope is never a bad thing, but I have moved my hope into the bigger picture. I don't have to hope it works out with every man in my life. I just have to hope it works out someday. Preferably within the next 1-4 years. Prayers up!

Aside:

Yesterday I stayed in bed all day, because I was so sad about the whole situation. No one has ever ghosted to me after five months of communication. That's past ghosting and more just rude and completely disrespectful. Everyone deserves a goodbye. But I'm not going to sulk anymore about not getting one. It takes 21 days to break a habit. We're almost at 21 days since he stopped talking to me, but it's only the second day of me accepting that he's not coming back. I'm going to start taking steps to let him go. Out of site, out of mind. My postcard has been removed from my dresser and placed with all the other postcards in my collection. I deleted my messenger app, so I can stop creepily checking when he gets online and seeing if he opened my message. The hardest part is going to be getting rid of all the cards and letters I wrote him for his going away gift. But it begins today.

Song of the Day : What Can I Say by Carrie Underwood (our breakup song)

Quote of the day: "Sometimes we create our own heartbreak through expectation" 

"Imagine me being strong and not letting people break me down. You won't get that joy this time around"

MIND/HEART

 Familiarity : the quality of being well known; recognizably based on long or close association. 

I love opening a fresh sheet for a new post. It feels so familiar. The familiarity is comforting. Its officially been three weeks since my last post, and I'm still hurting over the loss of CJIII. I finally lost my mind. After he bailed on the date, we had a bit of a continued rough patch. I was not talking to him unless he talked to me (a policy I expressed to him during the break up phone call). He reached out to me one weekend, and we had a nice conversation. Our usual kind. I enjoyed talking to him again. We talked for about 3-4 days, and I think we were both enjoying that familiarity. I felt like I was initiating the conversation too much again. I was asking him questions that would help me understand him as a man and see if maybe we really never were compatible. Everything he said recently matched up with what he had said before. He told me that he did not like to be around people when they were sad and hurt which explained why I couldn't go to him in my low moments.

I stopped initiating the conversation, so we had another week of silence. I contacted him to see how he felt about me. I asked if the way our relationship was now was the was he wanted it to be. Pause - I keep using the work relationship. This is the first way that I lost my mind. Charles and I are not in a relationship. He refused to give our relationship that title. I am dating other people. Why do I insist on calling it that? Is it because I long for that kind of relationship so bad? Is it because we've been in the situation so long it just feels like a relationship? I do not know. But regardless of the reasoning, it was a mistake to speak in those terms. He blamed everything on me. He said that he was only talking to me when I talked to him, and I wasn't talking to him. I was determined to fix our issues and he tried to, but he couldn't. I wanted to take a trip together this upcoming weekend,and all he said was "..." because he won't have a car until he deploys. Him and I just think differently. If I want something, I make it happen. I don't take no for an answer. But maybe he doesn't try to make it happen, because he doesn't want it bad enough. I think that's the fundamental difference between my feelings and his at this point in time. I want him so much more than he wants me. He proceeded to ignore me all of 4th of July. and the next day. and the next day. I apologized, but it didn't make a difference.

 I think it's officially over. He's a coward. He either never really liked me in the first place or got scared when whatever we had needed to be more real. The idea of falling for someone and having real feelings was just too much for him. He cut it off and will get to deploy. To leave me and everything that reminds him of me here, so he can walk and fight guilt free. While I have to think of him every time I see Lebron James or go to the gym. I didn't live up to my new years resolution. I got into a situationship. But I'm happy, because this one made me grow. It showed me my worth. I deserve to be taken on dates. I deserve to have a mans undivided attention. I can be with a man that's 6'2" with a six pack and he'll still be hungry for all 186 pounds of me. At this point, I have to let it go. He isn't who he once was, and I cannot stick around for him to disrespect me more.

NEW FLAME (s?)

I can't get this heading to be the pretty purple too, so I let it go. JD and I had another nice day together. We had dinner in his car and talked and laughed a lot. I found out things about him that I liked. I really love men who are willing to talk about our future together. It shows that they have no fear and they are entering the situation hoping it ends in something real. He didn't tell me that he was leaving for two whole weeks, so us dating is on pause. I was super happy, giddy, and excited about everything. The pause was probably not the best thing for our young relationship. He went to a former city he lived in and it makes me think he might still have a girl or two there. I just didn't want him to leave. 

Then I went to KCGP and met Joseph. I think that's a story for a brand new post. Stay tuned my loves, stay tuned. 

Song of the day: Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin (This song is beautiful. Just what I need to hear at this point in my life)

Quote of the day: Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.

"Even On My Weakest Day, I Get a Little Bit Stronger"

Its been a month since my last lovey-dovey post about CJIII. Normally it would be time for another one. We were actually supposed to go on a date this past Saturday, but it didn't work out that way. On Wednesday last week I woke up to a text message saying, "Hey Goodmorning, know it's been awhile of us talking/dating and now I don't think a relationship is what I want right now". This was the answer I had been waiting about a month and a half to hear. We had the define the relationship conversation a little while ago. It was initiated by me, and he had initially expressed that he did not think he wanted to get into a relationship when he's deploying. I tried to convince him to change his mind. I told him that a thousand miles seems pretty far, but there are a million and one ways to stay in touch with someone you care about. I told you all I thought I loved him. I didn't express the same thoughts to him. I was praying for the best, but I could feel him moving further and further away from me. He didn't text me the entire time he was in Cleveland. I understand wanting to spend quality time with your family, but that doesn't mean you can't shoot an occasional text to make sure the woman in your life is not just surviving, but thriving. He said it was because his phone was broken, but nothing changed when it was fixed. He returned and we chatted a little, but it still wasn't the same.

After receiving the text that broke my heart, we exchanged some confusing text messages and spoke on the phone that night. The conversation was...bleh. I really care about this man. I didn't want to be ending things. I wanted to be moving forward with things. The conversation we had was very real. He told me that deployment was tough to endure. He had to be focused and couldn't afford to put someones life on the line feeling guilty for not communicating with his girlfriend that day. He said that relationships involved a lot of communication and spending a lot of time with one another. He just isn't ready to give that to a person. He said that it may be selfish, but it was his truth. With his distance and the way he's been acting lately. I saw it coming. I wasn't that surprised, but I was hurt.

The only thing that kept me from completely breaking down was the reassurance he kept giving me about our friendship. He said multiple times that he wanted to continue talking and let our friendship grow. I wanted details about the nature of our friendship, because the day he broke the news I could never picture being just a friend to him. He acted as though nothing will change. But everything has changed. He left home again to finish training in Missouri for his deployment. I had a brief conversation with him yesterday, but he still hasn't opened my snap from Sunday.

I read a lot of articles online and was pleased to find out that I wasn't the only one who experienced a sudden pre-deployment break up. Everyone's story sounded a lot like mine. This line resonated with me the most. It said, "Hard to tell. Vicki says that she and her boyfriend have been together for five years-since they were both sixteen. Her boyfriend recently enlisted. Right before he left for boot camp, he broke up with her. He said he didn't want to worry about her. He said he only want to focus on himself right now". It sounded exactly like what Charles told me. It made me feel good for a couple reasons. 1. Maybe Charles ended our situationship had nothing to do with the strength of our relationship. That couple had been together five years and he still chose to end it. 2. It made me realize that Charles wasn't making this stuff up. It opened my eyes to how hard it is to deploy. I made the concious decision that if I couldn't be there for him as a great love, I would be there for him as a friend. I have a going away gift in mind that I think will be perfect for what he's going to be experiencing there. All of this is part of God's plan, so we'll see what happens.

I already went on two dates with a new guy named JD. I had a length conversation with Charles about me dating other people and he emphasized that it was my choice. I made the decision to go out and see what's there. I laughed a lot and it was nice not being lonely for awhile.

song of the day: A Little Bit Stronger by Sarah Evns

quote of the day: "Don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened"

"Wise men say only fools rush in. But I can't help falling in love with you"

HEART

Inspiration comes from so many different places. I find it everywhere. I've made it a thing to post inspirational words on my snapchat whenever I find it, so my followers (who probably don't care) can be a little inspired too. Today, I found romantic inspiration everywhere. It was a rough morning for various reasons, but when I got to work I started surfing social media networks instead of being productive as always. The first post I saw was from one of the home team bruhz. He's married to a beautiful Latin American woman who's everything I wish I could be physically. She's skinny, has great hair, takes excellent selfies. Basically a 21st century beauty from Beauty and the Beast. My big brother in greekdom loves her. His love for her is evident in everything he does. Today he made a post about how he's fighting for her and will always fight for her. He ends the post by saying their love is forever.

FOREVER

I have to dwell on that word a little bit because it holds so much power. Forever is defined as, "for all future time; for always". Always and forever. The first thing that pops in my head when I hear the word forever is prompted by my faith. Not just in this life, but the next as well. Life is the longest thing you'll ever do. He wants to love her through his long journey and after that. How beautiful. The inspiration just kept coming today though. It didn't end with Mr. & Mrs. Smith. It came to me again in the form of a proposal video : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibiCo_kliLo&feature=share . This man spent four months on his proposal plan. He spent four months showering his girlfriend with loveeeee & affection. Watching all this made me realize a lot of things, but the first thought was that I have never been able to make a man feel that way about me. Have I gotten men to put in time? yes. A little effort? yes. But I haven't experienced a man willing to put in months of work just so he can continue to put in work or "fight" for the rest of his life.

I automatically realized the problem with the love I experience. It is one sided. Almost always. I have so much love in my heart. Sometimes I hide it, so I don't scare the other person. Sometimes I show them just how much I care and like them to the point it hurts their feelings. They feel bad about not loving me the way I love them and end it in hopes that I will find someone who can give me "what I deserve". I heard that phrase a lot from the couple of good men I've encountered in life. They talk about what I deserve and what's fair to me. The most annoying part is that they never want to be the ones to give me what I deserve. They can never actually be fair to me. Some sort of connection that's supposed to be there is missing every single time. I can't even be mad at the guys, because I understand. There are plenty of times where I've liked someone less than they like me. Regardless of how nice or cute they are, you can't really invest the way you would if the person you were with was truly the one. The way you would if they really made you feel something you've never felt before. Love is beautiful and I have been waiting my entire life to experience the feeling of actually being in love. Loving someone so much and them giving you that same love back. It's unconditional. It's consistent. It overwhelms you and despite the distance or challenges you face, you feel complete. I will continue to pray that it finds me someday.

Song of the Day: Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley

Quote of the Day: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails"

"I Get So Weak in the Knees I Can Hardly Speak/I Lose All Control and Something Takes Over Me/In A Daze and It's So Amazing, It's Not A Phase I Want You To Stay With Me"

HEART

I've come close to saying it, but haven't actually said it. I think I'm in love. CJIII has had my heart since the first month of the new year. I was fresh off my resolution to only accept the love I think I deserve and avoid situationships like the plague. He knows these things, because I shared them with him. The relationship him and I have has been different. It's not like any other relationship I've had. I think we're handling everything like adults. We've been going on dates and asking each other the tough questions since the very beginning. Since my last post, we've gone on one more date. We met in Topeka at Gage Park. The park was actually huge, so it took awhile for him and I to find each other. I walked towards his car on the other side of the park with all the animal statues. The two of us walked around together for a little while then ended up sitting on a bench under a tree and talking. It was really nice. After our park adventure, we went out to eat at HuHut. I had never been there, but it's this delicious mongolian bbq place. You put whatever you want into a little bowl and they cook it for you. It's a buffet, so we both ate a ton and were really full.

The best part of the date was the very end. He walked me to the car like he always does. He gave me a kiss goodbye, and I wasn't nervous. Just happy. I felt it in my whole body and it was again..different. I asked him if he was a patient person, and it caught him off guard. This was going to be the last time I saw him before he left for Africa. I had written him a letter that he wasn't allowed to read until he got there. He turned around and had me hide it in his trunk, so he wouldn't be tempted to read it. Later on he told me that he had opened the envelope and peaked the next day, but didn't read the letter. It was a very sweet moment for the two of us. The two weeks he spent in Africa were the longest weeks of my year. I don't go a day without thinking of him. I texted him, but the messages wouldn't go through. I had to patiently wait for his return. I was patient, but the whole thing was painful too. When he came back, I had the pleasure of seeing him. I had my first sleepover at his house. It was a fairytale. Everything with him is a fairytale.

Well, almost everything. After getting back from Africa, I finally worked up the courage to have the DTR conversation with him. It was over text since the phone has never been his favorite. That's when he told me that he is being deployed to Afghanistan in July. Almost exactly two months from now, the man I've become so attached to will be leaving me for one of the most dangerous countries in the world. My heart sunk. At first it wasn't because I was worried about him, but because I was worried about me. I'm so invested in him, and now there was a chance that him and I would never be in an official relationship. The love I love so much will end as just another situationship. He came to the conclusion that he needed time to think about weather or not he wants to be in a relationship. When the two of us were cuddled in bed talking about all this, he said one line that really stuck with me. "I don't think you know what you're getting into"

Like I mentioned before, the number one thing about our relationship I was focused on when he announced his deployment was the distance between us. 1 year is a long time to be away from someone. So much can change in a year. It's safe to say that communication would be minimal during this time period, and all I would have to hold on to are the memories of time we did spend together and the promises he makes me before he leaves. This is a year without physical affection, emotional connection, and cuddling. It's a year where i'll basically be alone. He'll get breaks, but chances are he will want to go home to see his family during that time period. I'll be in a relationship but alone.

At this point in my life, I think I'm okay with being in a relationship with someone who's life belongs to the U.S. Military. I watched a lot of army wives, so I understand the challenges that come with that lifestyle. I'm in pharmacy school for the next four years, so my life belongs to the University of Kansas. That's where all my energy will go. Being apart my first year might not be such a bad thing. I'll be able to put a lot of time into my grades. The one part of the military lifestyle I am hesitant to accept is the moving. Not for my career, but for my kids. I've always liked the idea of my future children growing up in a home. A place they've been in since they were babies. I can see the double staircase and long for it, but if you are married to a soldiar you don't have just one place to call home. That's something I'm willing to do if I have found the one God wants me to be with. I'm going to try not to worry and see what God has planned for the two of us. I hope it's a life filled with joy, love, and wifi in Afghanistan.

Song of the Day: Weak by SWV

Quote of the day: "Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing" -Torquato Tasso

"You Don't Wanna Step Off That Roller Coaster and Be All Alone"

MIND

Hello lovely readers and me of the future. In case you didn't already know, I am the number one fan of this blog. It holds so many memories and is the best marker of my growth throughout the years. I like re-reading old posts when I get the chance to. Before writing the latest one, I have started reading the last post I made. The theme of this years posts have been mind, body, and heart. I got this inspiration from Khloe Kardashian's Book "Strong Looks Better Naked". When I made my last post in March, I was struggling with the mind part. I was applying and interviewing to all kinds of programs. I'm happy to report the results of all that hard work.

I was accepted into:
Baker Nursing School
UMKC Pharmacy School
KU Pharmacy School
KU School of Clinical Laboratory Sciences

I was not accepted into:
KU Nursing School (they can kiss my beautiful behind)

I was ecstatic to receive each and every one of those acceptance letters. I had no idea what my future would hold after being dismissed from Pharmacy School. The year I spent studying Human Biology was alright, but it definitely wasn't something I was passionate about. I was bored the entire time, but my grades did improve significantly. I automatically narrowed my options down to UMKC Pharmacy School and KU Pharmacy School. Originally, KU Pharmacy School was my only real option. I couldn't afford the out of state tuition at UMKC. But when God closes a door, he opens a window. I ended up getting a huge scholarship from UMKC that would have allowed me to pay in state tuition there as well. UMKC was the opportunity to have a completely fresh start, but I suprisingly didn't even really think about taking it. I don't think i'm one to run away from my problems. I wanted to face the monster that is KU Pharmacy School again to prove to myself that I can do it. There's a lot of weight that comes with this decision. The students I originally started pharmacy school with are going to be in their third year and final academic year of the program. They're finishing, and I'm starting over. I can't pretend that that doesn't make me feel small. I also have to face all the courses that were so incredibly challenging for me the first time. I am taking steps towards making sure I can do that. I realize that I'm going to have to kiss my social life goodbye. I'm ready to do that, because most of the people I spent time with are graduating anyways. I quit one of my jobs, so that I'm unable to use work as an excuse for not having enough time to study. The job I kept allows me to study and do school work, so I believe I will be all set in that department. This is the beginning of a great, long journey for me. I truly believe that Pharmacy school and that paycheck is my destiny and my family's as well. My father is still job hunting, and our family is going through a rough time financially. Not to mention, I spend an unbelievable amount of food.

The other thing that goes along with my thoughts on beginning this four year journey are how that will affect my personal life. For the next four years, I must be in Lawrence, Kansas. That means any love interest in different locations are not going to be a viable possibility unless they really are in God's plan for me. The next four years likely won't include children for me, but the two years following hopefully will. I still want the same things I've always wanted. The double staircase, four beautiful black babies, and a husband to love me unconditionally. I'm excited for what the future holds and my mind is content at this point.

About three weeks ago, friends were really on my mind. My sorority sisters and I got in this horrible fight that I believe ended up exposing everyone's true colors. After that, I decided to distance myself from them and have been able to maintain that distance. At the time I made this decision, they were doing all kinds of outrageous things. Two of them were being unfaithful to two men I have a lot of love and respect for. The other two were playing Regina George & Gretchin Weiners. They were ignoring my closest line sister and mistreating her. If I had to choose between all of them and her, I would choose her in a heartbeat. I guess you can say that's what I did. We all had to hang out this weekend, and I was cordial. But I'm not opening up anymore. We are sorority sisters and it ends there. I will love and care for them, but I will also stop spending unnecessary time with them. Like the last post said, "birds of a feather flock together" and they are not the birds I need to be flocking with at this critical point in my life.

I reconnected with a lot of my lifetime friends. It was nice, but I can't say that they are without flaws too. I think I want too much out of friendships and sisterhood. I expect people to always put me first and always be there for me and provide more than I can provide for myself. My biggest problem is finding people that share my interests. It's really hard for me to go anywhere with anyone and them want to do exactly what I want to do. If they do, they'll be incredibly unhappy during the entire duration of it. I want to listen to street music and spend time with multiple friends at once, but all of my friends think they are too good for the others. It's really sad, because none of them are too good for anyone. They all want to club all the time, and I get it. We're young. This is the only time where it's socially acceptable for us to do that kind of thing often. I'm just personally done with it. I don't like being squeezed into a small place with many people. I'm not a good enough dancer for this generation. I hate that everyone around me is drunk, and I still plan on keeping my vow not to drink. It's just not fun to me anymore. It is however really fun for all my friends, but that's just because the club helps them facilitate their bad habits. They get to get drunk and take home random men and act surprised when these men don't want a relationship with them. Same story, different day. I'm being judgmental, but oh well. At this point I don't want to meet new people, because they'll probably be the same or worse. I just want to spend time with me. I'll grow more that way anyways.

BODY

There is nothing to update. I have completely failed in this category. Didn't meet my new years resolution to lose 10 pounds, and I'm back to eating horrible. I have dropped in the gym randomly a lot more than I was doing before though. So that's something. By a lot more I mean 3-8 times a month max.

Song of the Day : I Took a Pill In Ibeza by Mike Posner (original version)

Quote of the Day: It always seems impossible until it's done - Nelson Mandela

How Does It Feel? To know that I love you baby, I'm lost without you.

HEART

I ended my last post about love with "maybe the stable, positive person I need in my life right now could be found in one of them. Once again, we'll just have to see". We'll pick up right where we left off. Dakota did not work out. Contrary to popular belief, he was the one who just wanted to have sex with me. One day he canceled our ice skating date and said that we would do lunch the next day. Before lunch time he told me that I should come over and watch Netflix instead. We all know what that means. I said no, because it was a new year and I was only going to accept the love I think I deserve (the best, purest form of love). He never talked to me again, and I didn't really care. Our conversations never really grew. We were stuck in the same place, and I hated his teeth. I was trying to act like it was okay, but I dodged a bullet. Don't miss him now and never did. 

Now that we're done with old business, we can talk about new business. I call it CJIII. He's bae. I gotta recap, because this is all stuff that must be remembered. Him and I have something special. After our Ride Along 2 date, we kept communicating. It's been fun getting to know each other. The man that currently has my heart had a wonderful smile and gets nervous when he's around me. His leg shakes and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Our second date was in Topeka. We met on the mall and he was late...again. I feel like this is a common theme in our relationship. He is always late. When he walked in, he was in baby blue. It looked really nice on him. The mall officer asked him to remove his hood, and I didn't like it. I thought it was kind of racist. We walked and talked and he said he wanted to take me to this store he likes. It ended up being a pet store. You all know how I feel about animals. But he's softened my heart to them. We played with a Doberman puppy. It was kind of cute, and I liked it until it started chewing on me purse. Then we had to end it. We also went to Buffalo Wild Wings, because all of the other restaurants were full and had two hour waits. Dinner conversation was good and we enjoyed our time together. Date number three was last weekend, and I already miss him. That day was chill and we sat in the car and talked for the longest time. He kissed me goodnight and it was perfect. I pray we continue to move in the right direction. He's something special. 

J tried to come back into my life, but he's rude and disrespectful. I'm too good for it. I ended it, because I have a really good thing with CJIII. I don't want anything to ruin it. Overall my heart is happier than its been in a long time. 

There is something that broke my heart recently. My father got his dream job with local law enforcement. After applying multiple times and using multiple family friends as references, he got the job. We were so happy for him. The language barrier was just too much and he had to leave. I could tell he really wanted to be there and he's really sad about it. He's still the number one man in my life, and I hate to see him going through such a hard time. This is all part of God's plan for his life. He doesn't close a door without opening at least two windows, so something big is on the horizon for him.

Song of the day: Lost Without You by Robin Thicke
Quote of the day: "Falling in love is like jumping off a really tall building; your head tells you "idiot you're going to die" but your heart tells you "don't worry pretty girl, you can fly". 

Que Sera Sera - Whatever Will Be, Will Be

Mind:

My mind is full. Full of stress. My anxiety is through the roof. For the first time in my life I have grown women problems. I don't know what to do. The number one thing on my mind is school. I have to make it. The motto right now is Get Rich or Die Trying. I gotta make it. I have officially completed all my applications and interviews for next year. School isn't going so well right now, but I think my grades could recover. I'm going to focus more after spring break. My heart & wallet are stuck on KU Pharmacy School. It's the easiest way for me to achieve my goal of becoming a pharmacist. I really messed up the first time. I valued all the wrong things. Did I learn? Yes, I learned a lot. But I wish I didn't have learn from such a huge, life changing mistake. I'm not sad about it anymore, but I do have regrets. I'm scared, but I'm also victorious. I know I'll have an opportunity to accomplish my goals. I believe in a mighty God and can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Even though my faith isn't as strong as I hoped it would be, I know God will pull through for me. 

My mind is tired. Tired of keeping up with all the lies I've had to tell lately. What year are you? Depends on who's asking. Sometimes I'm a junior (one year until my biology degree). Other times I'm a senior (I started school in 2012, so I should be accomplished by now right?) I'm scared to tell people who I'm trying to accomplish. Telling people I failed was one of the hardest parts of 2015, and I'd rather not have anyone know what I'm doing this time around. I guess a part of me still cares about what other people think of me. 

 I feel like I'm outgrowing the people in my life, and I'm tired of pretending that I'm not. It's hard seeing people in my life make the wrong decisions. I had the pleasure of attending a conference for young African Americans and participated in a conversation about friends that really stuck with me. The discussion leader said that if you feel like the most advanced person in your friend group, you need new friends. He also emphasized that birds of a feather flock together. I need a flock free of of negativity, bad language, cheating, and all the different sins that have filled the lives of so many people close to me. I'm better than that and the decisions I've been making since knowing and associating with them. I need more positive influences in my life. 

I'm really grateful for the lifetime friends I have. They've been with me through everything, and I'm so grateful for their presence in my life. They recently confronted me about how I don't spend enough time with them. I felt really bad, because I know it's true. There's just not enough time in the day. School, work, & greek life leaves little time for anything else. But I'm going to try and do better. My time and energy should go to the people that truly deserve it. 

Speaking of those that truly deserve it, my mama. She's everything to me. I love her so much. We were trying to cheer my dad up by playing songs from the 70s and 80s that he enjoys. That prompted her to tell me to look up a song her parents used to sing together as a duet. It was called Que Sera Sera by Doris Day. It was exactly what the entire family needed to hear. "Whatever will be, will be". We can stress & frustrate ourselves all we want, but destiny will be fulfilled regardless. We just gotta roll with the punches.

Song of the Day: Que Sera Sera by Doris Day

Quote of the Day: "Fear kills more dreams than failure ever will"