"I Get So Weak in the Knees I Can Hardly Speak/I Lose All Control and Something Takes Over Me/In A Daze and It's So Amazing, It's Not A Phase I Want You To Stay With Me"

HEART

I've come close to saying it, but haven't actually said it. I think I'm in love. CJIII has had my heart since the first month of the new year. I was fresh off my resolution to only accept the love I think I deserve and avoid situationships like the plague. He knows these things, because I shared them with him. The relationship him and I have has been different. It's not like any other relationship I've had. I think we're handling everything like adults. We've been going on dates and asking each other the tough questions since the very beginning. Since my last post, we've gone on one more date. We met in Topeka at Gage Park. The park was actually huge, so it took awhile for him and I to find each other. I walked towards his car on the other side of the park with all the animal statues. The two of us walked around together for a little while then ended up sitting on a bench under a tree and talking. It was really nice. After our park adventure, we went out to eat at HuHut. I had never been there, but it's this delicious mongolian bbq place. You put whatever you want into a little bowl and they cook it for you. It's a buffet, so we both ate a ton and were really full.

The best part of the date was the very end. He walked me to the car like he always does. He gave me a kiss goodbye, and I wasn't nervous. Just happy. I felt it in my whole body and it was again..different. I asked him if he was a patient person, and it caught him off guard. This was going to be the last time I saw him before he left for Africa. I had written him a letter that he wasn't allowed to read until he got there. He turned around and had me hide it in his trunk, so he wouldn't be tempted to read it. Later on he told me that he had opened the envelope and peaked the next day, but didn't read the letter. It was a very sweet moment for the two of us. The two weeks he spent in Africa were the longest weeks of my year. I don't go a day without thinking of him. I texted him, but the messages wouldn't go through. I had to patiently wait for his return. I was patient, but the whole thing was painful too. When he came back, I had the pleasure of seeing him. I had my first sleepover at his house. It was a fairytale. Everything with him is a fairytale.

Well, almost everything. After getting back from Africa, I finally worked up the courage to have the DTR conversation with him. It was over text since the phone has never been his favorite. That's when he told me that he is being deployed to Afghanistan in July. Almost exactly two months from now, the man I've become so attached to will be leaving me for one of the most dangerous countries in the world. My heart sunk. At first it wasn't because I was worried about him, but because I was worried about me. I'm so invested in him, and now there was a chance that him and I would never be in an official relationship. The love I love so much will end as just another situationship. He came to the conclusion that he needed time to think about weather or not he wants to be in a relationship. When the two of us were cuddled in bed talking about all this, he said one line that really stuck with me. "I don't think you know what you're getting into"

Like I mentioned before, the number one thing about our relationship I was focused on when he announced his deployment was the distance between us. 1 year is a long time to be away from someone. So much can change in a year. It's safe to say that communication would be minimal during this time period, and all I would have to hold on to are the memories of time we did spend together and the promises he makes me before he leaves. This is a year without physical affection, emotional connection, and cuddling. It's a year where i'll basically be alone. He'll get breaks, but chances are he will want to go home to see his family during that time period. I'll be in a relationship but alone.

At this point in my life, I think I'm okay with being in a relationship with someone who's life belongs to the U.S. Military. I watched a lot of army wives, so I understand the challenges that come with that lifestyle. I'm in pharmacy school for the next four years, so my life belongs to the University of Kansas. That's where all my energy will go. Being apart my first year might not be such a bad thing. I'll be able to put a lot of time into my grades. The one part of the military lifestyle I am hesitant to accept is the moving. Not for my career, but for my kids. I've always liked the idea of my future children growing up in a home. A place they've been in since they were babies. I can see the double staircase and long for it, but if you are married to a soldiar you don't have just one place to call home. That's something I'm willing to do if I have found the one God wants me to be with. I'm going to try not to worry and see what God has planned for the two of us. I hope it's a life filled with joy, love, and wifi in Afghanistan.

Song of the Day: Weak by SWV

Quote of the day: "Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing" -Torquato Tasso