"You Had My Attention; It Was All On You"

Dear Moose,

I always have the urge to write a letter after a relationship ends. Especially when it ends the way the one between you and I did. There were no goodbyes and no explanations. I was left with my thoughts unheard and my feelings unreciprocated. I didn't get to speak on what was on my heart. I didn't get to speak on what I hoped for you and I. I didn't get to say anything and that really hurts me. It hurts me that you chose to block me instead of deal with our issues. Was it really that hard to tell me the truth? All I wanted was for you to be honest. You didn't need to be perfect or even close to it. You just needed to show me who you really are, so I could decide weather or not you were worth it. If it makes a difference, I did think you were worth it. You lied to me and broke me in more ways than one. But I never planned on leaving you. I didn't think it was the end. I thought that you were actually going to call me back. I might have even been weak enough to apologize to you when you called. For how passionate I sounded and how I accused you without letting you explain everything for yourself.

You leaving gave me time tot think and see the light. I don't have anything to feel bad about. You lied to me not the other way around. I didn't need to let you explain, because you proved what I always knew was the truth deep down inside. You lie a lot. If I can't trust you, then what you say doesn't matter anyways. I didn't give you an opportunity to explain yourself, because that would have just been giving you an opportunity to lie to me again. I can tell you what I am sorry about though. I'm sorry I'm not like her. I'm sorry I don't know about all the women in your life an just shrug it off. I don't know how to blame things on being young. Because I don't think being young is an excuse to hurt other people. What you don't realize is emotionally hurting someone can hurt more than a slap ever will. You didn't beat me, but you still broke me.

How did you break me you ask? I'm happy to tell you. You broke me by making me think that there was something wrong with me. That I wasn't worth leaving the other women in your life for. That  I didn't deserve to ask these things of you if I wasn't having sex with you. You made me questions weather I was wrong for sharing my feelings. You made me question weather my feeling were wrong. You made me question my past relationships. Were they lying to me too? Have I been delusional this whole time? You made me fell bad for not trusting you when you knew that you were lying all along. You made me feel bad for feeling so strongly about you after such a short amount of time. We're dating in 2016. Two months means nothing. I "shouldn't" have felt as strongly as I did, but I did. I don't know how to feel bad about that.

One night when we were on the phone saying goodbyes and you kept saying "and" , "and", "and" prompting me to say more to you, I thought you wanted me to tell you that I love you. I even kind of wanted to say the words myself. We talked so much about so many things. It was really easy for me to open up to you. We had a connection I've never experienced with anyone before, because you're African too. You know my culture. The side of me that people fail to recognize. I felt like you saw all of me. Because I was being honest. Because I was letting you see all of me. When you talked about your football player sons, I pictured having them for you. I pictured our life together. In California. I get that these were all things I did. You didn't ask me to and you definitely didn't encourage me to get too carried away.

I have learned a lot from you. I have learned that I can't keep accepting mediocracy when I know that what I want is true love. I learned that I can't give second, third, and fourth chances. If someone shows signs of bad character traits, I can't ignore them. I can't be blindsided when you were showing me who you were the entire time. You didn't want something real. Not with me. I chose not to see that, but I now I know. I got the message loud and clear.

This whole experience has motivated me to stop dating. I've given it a good year and a half of trying. I've tried dating all kind of men in all kinds of different ways. It hasn't worked out. I've been left emptier than I was before. So I'm going to take a couple months to fill myself. I am a complete person without a partner in life. If I never find love, I won't have a heart attack and die. I will more than survive. I will strive. I can love myself. I can also get inseminated. It's the twenty first century, and I'm a strong, independent black women who doesn't NEED a man. Especially one who wants to waste my time or tell more lies than truth. I don't need a man that makes me feel difficult or crazy. I need one that sees that I'm made of sunshine and a little bit of hurricane. Someone who has love that they can't wait to give a good girl like me. Not because I have nice boobs (which I do) or because I'm smart and motivated. Because he sees every little imperfection and realizes that those make me who I am. I need a man who's never going to give up. Who's never just going to walk away the way you did. Because I deserve better. I know that now.

My final parting words are life advice. Be a good person. Despite what your parents may have taught you, nice people don't always finish last. They win by being proud of who they are within. Find some new role models. Young Thug and drug dealers definitely aren't goals. All those people are nothing when the flashy things go away. There's more to life than stacks of money, jimmy choo's, and Versace t-shirts. Stop doing drugs. They are bad for you. They cause call kinds of terrible diseases and mess with your mind. Your brain is the most important organ in your body. It is necessary for everything that you do. Don't mess it up over good times and stress relief. Stay blessed and beautiful. You may have shut all doors, but I didn't. If you ever need anything (someone to listen, a shoulder to cry on), I'm here as a friend that wants nothing but the best for you.

With Love,
MAA