"You Hit Me With "I Know You're There With Someone Else". That Pussy Knows Me Better Than I Know Myself"

I'm going to start this post by saying Shit Happens. Especially when it's me on this search for love I've been obsessed with my whole life. Let me remind you of my second grade poem (editing corrected) : "Love is something you can never give up. It's something you just know and that it will go on for the rest of your life. And you know you can never live without them and your really lucky if yo have that. The end." I've wanted it for so long! I try to find love in every man I get to know and maybe I'm wrong for doing that. Maybe it puts too much pressure on them. Maybe it makes me let the wrong guys get away with too much, because I'm hoping that even with their flaws they can find a way to love me. After pretty much exactly two months, the moose ghosted on me. He blocked me on his phone, twitter, snapchat, and instagram. All at once with no kind of warning what so ever.

Two nights before he disappeared he gave me a beautiful speech about how you're supposed to go in blind when it comes to love. You're not supposed to protect yourself from hurt. You're supposed to let yourself feel and try to see the best in the person. The entire time we were talking I was searching for his lies. To be fair there were many of them. He had a girlfriend. Every time I asked if he had one, he said no. Then I finally admitted that I knew he had one from twitter. The girl posts about him. He forced her to make her page private and brushed it off as nothing. He kept telling me to "chill". What he didn't know was it wasn't over, because I can see her on instagram. So I brought it up again, and he said that they were together but not really. He was only with her for the perks that she provides. He said that she was related to the vice provost of the school who helped him with a situation he faced there. He told me she was really well off and drove a Range Rover and an Audi 6. I believed him. I felt that it was wrong to use a woman for what she had, but he made her the enemy. You make someone dislike someone by making them less human. It's what Hitler did and what he did as well. He convinced me that she wasn't like us. That she was rich and spoiled and it didn't matter that he was using her. He said that they don't spend a lot of time with one another. Blah blah blah.

The secrets lied in her instagram. She definitely didn't look like a rich girl to me, but I didn't dwell on it until the second time my best friend came to see me. She pointed out that the pictures of the girls room looked basic AF. I'm not a rich girl, but I sleep on a bed with a headboard. I have a night stand, desk, and dresser. All four match. She had none of the above. He said she drove a Range Rover, but when she posted her view there was a van. Monday night during the nice conversation we had, I asked him who he went to Texas Roadhouse and got pedicures with. I knew that it was her. He wouldn't admit it. He said he got pedicures with EJ who also needs them, because they both play basketball again. He claimed to go out to eat with friends to. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't. I told him exactly why I couldn't. His snaps never have people in them. How suspicious is that? He also was talking about how broke he was. Probably because he paid for all of this days festivities for him and bae. I still chose to believe him. To truly believe him.

 Woke up the next morning and sent him a text that said "Good Morning use. I woke up thinking about you and our conversation, and I Want you to know that I do trust you. I really amy willing to give it my all and go in blind, because I really want to feel everything that I feel for you. I hope you have a really really really really really great Monday". All he said back was "I like your style". That's when I should have known. That's not enough. I said something beautiful and he sent back one line and a smiley face emoji. Red flags people. Red flags. I still felt okay about it. Until I went to shawty's instagram again. She posted photos of him and her mother at Texas Roadhouse. She followed that post up with a national boyfriends post. In the post she thanked him for watching her dog (who he told me was his roommates even though I knew better), and all the delicious meals he's been making her. The meals that I've been helping him cook! I felt betrayed. The snaps he was sending me, he was sending her too. It was too much. I had just decided to open up and give him all of me, and I realized the person I wanted to do all of this for is a lier. I told him I lied and he said I was over reacting. I also sent him a great Omarion Ice Box Emoji that I'm really proud of. He asked if we could talk about this so we did.

I told him everything I felt. All my emotions were on the table. I told him he lied and he kept asking what he lied about. I told him that he was only asking, so he would't accidently reveal other things he had lied about, because he's a liar. His defense was that he didn't lie he just "omitted information". In that moment it just sounded like blah blah blah to me. As I told my story and asked him to answer certain things, it was becoming obvious that a lot of what he'd said to me about other women was a lie. During this conversation, he interacted with another women that complemented his cooking skills and mentioned his girlfriend. I asked him what that last line she said was and he refused to answer, because he knew it was about his girlfriend. He said that I was antagonizing him, and it wasn't fair because he didn't have anything on me. That's when I realized he didn't have anything on me because I'M A GOOD PERSON! Unlike most people, I can be an open book. Nothing to hide.

I guess part of what really hurt me was that he was going to dinner with her mom. That's a big deal. Only serious boyfriends meet parents. I've never introduced my mother to a man. None of the ones in my life have been worthy of her presence if we're being honest. He said that it was no big deal. That american girls are different. They always introduce men to their families. Even if they're just friends. I guess what he failed to realize is that I'm an American girl too. I know what American girls do.That's not it. He asked if I had guy friends and I said I didn't. That's the truth. None that know my family and are close to me on a personal level. He said I was antagonizing him and he couldn't finish this conversation. I said I thought it was important to have the conversation when we were both vulnerable. He asked if I was breaking up with him. I said of course not. How could I go from wanting to grow in our relationship to wanting to break up. He asked what the point of this conversation was then (as if he wasn't the one who asked to talk about it). I told him that I just wanted him to know that I was hurt, and he said that he knew that. He could feel my hurt from all the way in Washington. That line meant something to me. I'm glad he acknowledged it. He then told me that we were going to finish this conversation later and hung up. I personally believe he had to hung out because it was national boyfriend day and he had an appointment to get some booty *Blacc Chyna voice*. I texted hm saying I wasn't rushing him to finish the conversation, but I was going to bed. That message went through but he did all the blocking at some point after that.

Being the pathetic girl I am, I still found a way to reach out to him. He called it "when ghosting goes wrong". It was so simple and a joke to him, but it broke me. I ended by telling him Kila la heri and he said "you too Mariam". So ends the story of him and I. It's over. People always leave. Correction: people always leave me. But you already knew that didn't you.

Song of the day : Faithful by Drake (ft. dvsn)

Quote of the day: Graceful exits are possible. Not everything has to be a tornado. Let go of people in silence and be appreciative of what you had.