MIND/HEART
Familiarity : the quality of being well known; recognizably based on long or close association.I love opening a fresh sheet for a new post. It feels so familiar. The familiarity is comforting. Its officially been three weeks since my last post, and I'm still hurting over the loss of CJIII. I finally lost my mind. After he bailed on the date, we had a bit of a continued rough patch. I was not talking to him unless he talked to me (a policy I expressed to him during the break up phone call). He reached out to me one weekend, and we had a nice conversation. Our usual kind. I enjoyed talking to him again. We talked for about 3-4 days, and I think we were both enjoying that familiarity. I felt like I was initiating the conversation too much again. I was asking him questions that would help me understand him as a man and see if maybe we really never were compatible. Everything he said recently matched up with what he had said before. He told me that he did not like to be around people when they were sad and hurt which explained why I couldn't go to him in my low moments.
I stopped initiating the conversation, so we had another week of silence. I contacted him to see how he felt about me. I asked if the way our relationship was now was the was he wanted it to be. Pause - I keep using the work relationship. This is the first way that I lost my mind. Charles and I are not in a relationship. He refused to give our relationship that title. I am dating other people. Why do I insist on calling it that? Is it because I long for that kind of relationship so bad? Is it because we've been in the situation so long it just feels like a relationship? I do not know. But regardless of the reasoning, it was a mistake to speak in those terms. He blamed everything on me. He said that he was only talking to me when I talked to him, and I wasn't talking to him. I was determined to fix our issues and he tried to, but he couldn't. I wanted to take a trip together this upcoming weekend,and all he said was "..." because he won't have a car until he deploys. Him and I just think differently. If I want something, I make it happen. I don't take no for an answer. But maybe he doesn't try to make it happen, because he doesn't want it bad enough. I think that's the fundamental difference between my feelings and his at this point in time. I want him so much more than he wants me. He proceeded to ignore me all of 4th of July. and the next day. and the next day. I apologized, but it didn't make a difference.
I think it's officially over. He's a coward. He either never really liked me in the first place or got scared when whatever we had needed to be more real. The idea of falling for someone and having real feelings was just too much for him. He cut it off and will get to deploy. To leave me and everything that reminds him of me here, so he can walk and fight guilt free. While I have to think of him every time I see Lebron James or go to the gym. I didn't live up to my new years resolution. I got into a situationship. But I'm happy, because this one made me grow. It showed me my worth. I deserve to be taken on dates. I deserve to have a mans undivided attention. I can be with a man that's 6'2" with a six pack and he'll still be hungry for all 186 pounds of me. At this point, I have to let it go. He isn't who he once was, and I cannot stick around for him to disrespect me more.
NEW FLAME (s?)
I can't get this heading to be the pretty purple too, so I let it go. JD and I had another nice day together. We had dinner in his car and talked and laughed a lot. I found out things about him that I liked. I really love men who are willing to talk about our future together. It shows that they have no fear and they are entering the situation hoping it ends in something real. He didn't tell me that he was leaving for two whole weeks, so us dating is on pause. I was super happy, giddy, and excited about everything. The pause was probably not the best thing for our young relationship. He went to a former city he lived in and it makes me think he might still have a girl or two there. I just didn't want him to leave.
Then I went to KCGP and met Joseph. I think that's a story for a brand new post. Stay tuned my loves, stay tuned.
Song of the day: Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin (This song is beautiful. Just what I need to hear at this point in my life)
Quote of the day: Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.
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