Strength and Guidance. All That I'm Wishing For My Friends

I'm at a crossroads with myself and all my self discoveries are leading to discoveries about the people in my life. These evaluations are just leading me to loneliness. For the first time in my life, I'm unhappy with almost all my friendships. I'm 21 and everyone is so engulfed in clubbing, drinking, and fucking. I normally edit these, so that they're a little brighter. I just can't brighten this cup. All three things go together. I have a friend who finds drinking glamorous. I really think she only drinks to snapchat and clink glasses, because drinking doesn't loosen her up. She's just as uptight and afraid as always. My other friends drink more recreationally. It's really fun for them and they enjoy being intoxicated. I just don't want to drink and watching them drink isn't fun for me. I thought a bar would be fun, because in the movies you sit on the stool and meet the love of your life. Who wouldn't want that? It really ends up being me sitting next to them as they take shots and we stare at each other in silence.

When did we become silent? That's the question I ask myself a lot these days. Part of me wonders if my friends were always silent, and I just didn't mind. Maybe I liked talking about myself, hearing myself talk, and giving my opinion so much that I didn't care or notice they weren't talking before. Maybe I silenced them. If I did, I feel guilty. Maybe my judgements were really too much. Maybe they don't feel loved by me or fear what I will say. All I know is there isn't much talking anymore. With some friends, I think it's because they have absolutely nothing going on. I think that they've paused their lives and aren't doing much of anything. Maybe they know exactly what they want and don't want to accept any more, or maybe they're just scared. Scared of heartbreak, failure, and everything that comes with living boldly and fearlessly.

The clubbing used to be fun for me. I loved it too. I loved dressing up and feeling beautiful. The new little black dress, make up, falsies. Nails done, hair done, everything did. I loved feeling beautiful and the exciting feeling of hoping to turn heads. Maybe my love for clubbing changed when my body did I've gained twentyish pounds. I was already fat, so this was a big blow. I got big girl clothes at the beginning of the summer and that really helped. Clothes that looked better on me and didn't suffocate me made me feel good. Feeling good made me exute more comfortable. You'll be happy to know that the sexiest men i've ever attracted have been after/during the weight gain. I know that big girls get action and attention too. I'm just not as motivated to go to these places and put myself out there. Heartbreak played a role in that too. Dancing another huge reason I used to go out so much, but the music in tonic sucks. Tonic is the only club open in the summertime, so it's boring. The music at the cave is a little more motivating. I don't even mind that there are a ton of people from school there anymore. As for this summer, I just don't want to club. I got in the first argument with one of my friend in a long time over the club. She wanted to go so bad, and I just couldn't sacrifice myself and my needs that day to fufill hers. I chose to put myself first. That's not the best quality to have in a friend, I know. You shouldn't put yourself first, but I just couldn't convince myself to do it that day. It's getting harder and harder for me to do it any day. I don't want to be unhappy.

Fucking. Last year I started messing with the idea of having a sexual relationship. The key word was a relationship, but to this day I haven't been able to find someone who is willing to commit today. Who wants to be my boyfriend and build a life with me. The two things go together for me. They don't have to go together for everyone, but they do for me. I think watching how sexual relationships have ruined my friends lives led me to this decision. Two of my truest, closest friends are sex obsessed. One of them is having sex with multiple partners and not telling me. The catch 22 is everyone else is telling me. I don't bring it up to her cause its none of my business. But what kind of friend doesn't open up to you about things like that. A distant friend. Not a close friend. The other one is the one telling me stories about my other friend without realizing that she's doing pretty much the same thing. She's been having one night stands masked as talking or special all year long. I don't crush them, because they mean something to her and negative comments make her closed off and sensitive.

That's the moral of the story. Everyone is sensitive, and I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore. I don't want to lie or hold things back just so we can still be friends. I don't want to drink, club, and fuck for the reasons mentioned above and many more. So what am I doing? Sitting at home by myself. It's lonely, and I'm not used to not having anything to do. This is a whole different world for me. It's helping me focus more on my delta work (which I want nothing to do with) and my school work. I started watching Ted Talks and attempting to better myself through self discovery. I want a boyfriend. Someone I can devote my free time to. Someone I can speak with unfiltered. Someone who can make me feel full. Someone to do things with. I think I expect too much for my friends.  I want the closeness one is supposed to get from love from them. That's too big of a burden for anyone. I'm going to counseling on Monday, and I think it'll be good for me.

Song of the day : One Dance by Drake

quote of the day: "At the innermost core of loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with ones lost self"