This Ain't a Rap Song; This Is MY Life

I live in a beautiful neighborhood. Especially during the fall. Our extremely green grass is covered in leaves that are all the beautiful colors the season brings. Shades of orange, brown, and yellow. From the outside looking in, it couldn't be more of a scene from a movie or something. Nice quiet neighborhood where seldom is heard a discouraging word, and the skies are all cloudy all day. But inside my home is an infestation of these terrible red bugs with a bazillion legs and unbelievable speed. You would never know this from the outside looking in. This description matches how I feel about myself. There's so much you would ever know  at first glance.

This post is coming to you right after I took my extensions out and was left with the two strands on my head. How does this happen to ones hair? One chemically straightens it to be pretty, then realizes that's not pretty enough and keeps extensions in for too long causing all of it to fall out or break off. Not that there was much of it in the first place, because one was born black. This ain't a rap song: this is my life. I also took a glance at facebook and saw that the awkward girl from high school. The one that was super smart and everyone thought would end up along is in a relationship. I'm still here alone. The notebook is playing to heal my broken heart, and I realize that this is a love story for people just like Allie and Noah. Not people like me.

Don't get me wrong, I try. I have a weave, pretty nails, and shop at all the right stores that I can afford. I wear make up and never leave the house in my sweat pants. I have an impeccable GPA and work my butt off in school.  On paper, I should be someone's perfect person. I recently did get someone interested. He of course wasn't in school and was likely participating in illegal activity of some sort. You're probably thinking, why? Why is it this way? It's a question I've asked myself multiple times. The answer is simple.

I was born with the blessing and the curse of being a black woman. I call it a blessing in the sense of a popular christian song that says "Halleluiah, we are free to struggle". I feel like as a woman of color, I am especially free to struggle. As in God enjoys my struggle and laughs at my pain. I know this sounds awful. I know God loves all his children. His ways are not our ways, so you can see why it's difficult for me to understand why some people get it so easy and some of us struggle struggle struggle. I live in a society where having hair that blows in the wind and lays straight down or whatever is beautiful. My hair does not do that and never will. So let the struggle begin. As a black woman, I'm dumped on for not being academic enough and am mocked for being educated and speaking well. The majority that accepts me for sounding like them and dressing like them are the same people who can never like me. In a romantic sense. Boys in the majority are not interested in girls in the minority. Not at all. It doesn't help when you have other flaws on top of being born "wrong".

Women of other races love black boys. By love, I mean they idolize them. They get all of this attention that goes to their heads and makes them feel above black women. If their to pick one of us, we have to be perfect in the traditional dream black women sense. We should be thin with curves (how is that possible? God only knows), have fake hair, nice nails, and everything did. They ask the other girls to dance without expecting much, but it it's you it needs to be an entire strip show or something. They want you to bend over, twerk, and do all this stuff to make up for the fact that you're black. Is it a choice to go along with it? yes. Was it a choice to be stuck in these situations? No. But this is what it's really like. My friends always tell me to "get out there more" or go to "frat parties". To meet boys the way they do. They don't realize that what's stopping me is something I can never overcome. Myself. The way I am just isn't good enough for the society I live in. It never will be.

This is a heavy realization, but honestly it doesn't make me sad. In the back of my mind i've always known that this is the way things are. That life is always going to be a little bit harder for me in the social and romantic sense. At the end of the day, I realize I could be sick, living in a third world country, or in some other terrible situation much worse than the one I'm in. I praise God every day for that. But some nights like tonight, I just can't get over my shortcomings and struggle that comes with being who I am.

I see straight through them like fish tanks with no fish in them; Drizzy still got some '06 in him

I have an issue of coming off the right way. What people think of me shouldn't matter, but it does. Perception is reality. It won't matter how great of a person you are inside if no one knows. God sees what's inside and he knows, but the people on earth have no idea. I know that it's possible to care for a total stranger. I don't mean in a romantic way, just a human to human way. There are people I've never met but prayed for. Stories of people who've been through tragic things on television, and people in my own life that could use a miracle. They never have any idea and that's a bit magical to me. I believe that they're benefiting from the prayers and positive thoughts, and I don't really need significance for it. Nowadays it seems like people only remember your random mistakes anyways. Every once in a while (okay..a lot more than that) I make a mistake. It's nothing big it just sticks with me. Some guy came up to me and started dancing insane at this party. I just froze like a deer in the headlights. That was embarrassing enough, but then instead of telling him to stop I started dancing too. I decided to just go with it. My cousin was the one with the logical sense to put a stop to it making sure no one sees. I would have embarrassed myself. That wasn't the kind of thing I wanted to be known for doing, but I couldn't find a way to stop it. I worry a lot about peoples feelings and not making anyone feel bad.

I think its because I can be pretty sensitive at times I automatically assume other people are as well. At basketball games I don't feel right just cheering for the star even if none of them see me at all. I think everyone deserves to feel loved and special and would hate to be the reason why someone's light doesn't shine as bright. I know it's cheesy, but it's the way I am. Sometimes it prevents me from telling people the absolute truth. I constantly have to put a positive spin on it. Somewhere along the line I ended up surrounding myself with people just as sensitive as I am. The benefit of this is that they understand what I'm going through. The negative is that I end up walking on eggshells around them as well. In general, no one likes being told their wrong. The truth hurts everyone's feelings at some point or another even my own, but you should have to hear it at some point or another.

We live in a time where no one ever talks. One of my lab classes is on the sixth floor, so I take the elevator up most days. It's often full of people and always silent. Everyone has their headphones in or is doing something or another on their phone. Yesterday, there were two old men riding the elevator. Not the creepy kind of old guy, but the spunky and hip type. This might sound weird, but I enjoy talking to old people. It's so much more fun when you're not attracted to them and their not attracted to you. They're secure so you don't have to walk on egg shells around them. By the time people are further in their years, they've realized that peoples opinions of you don't matter as much as you think. I feel like most silent elevator types either feel too good to talk to the others or like saying hello is a waste of time. If you're human and I'm human, and we're trapped in a small piece of technology that encourages our common laziness we should be able to at least greet each other. That kind of interaction just doesn't exist anymore. You're probably wondering, what does the old guy have to do with this? While in the elevator he said, I'm the only one in here not using one of those gadgets. Do you know you all spend six hours a day on those things? No one said anything, so I said, "well i'd believe it". He also started describing all the muscles in the neck that have side effects from looking down at our phones so long. It was really interesting information. By one stranger in an elevator being brave enough to say something, I gained a plethora of information.

Moral of the story is "Be who you are, say what you think, and most importantly never apologize for how you feel. That's like saying sorry for being real" . That was a combination of me, Dr. Suess, and a tweet. Soak in the genius.

song of the day : From Time - Drake ft. Jhene Aiko (Nothing was the Same is absolutely brilliant, and this song has the prize as my favorite song on the album)

quote of the day : Great thoughts speak only to the thoughtful mind, but great actions speak to all mankind. - Theodore Roosevelt 

Praying But I Think I'm Still An Angel Away

Today I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. This whole "finding yourself" thing is not as easy as it sounds. Here I am, a sophomore in college still uncomfortable in my own skin. Would I call myself insecure? No. I don't have a problem with how I look. That's never been it. I'm more insecure about my personality. For some reason, ever since I started elementary school I've felt like I have to sort of be a different version of myself. At home I'm kind of loud and crazy, but in public I'm just reserved. It might be faking, but I'm so used to it I don't even have to think about it anymore. I just automatically become more reserved. Taking African studies classes and such have allowed me to be more open about the African side of myself. I have a huge appreciation for where my ancestors are from now then I did before. But it's still difficult.

I just don't completely fit in anywhere. I joined a new choir in attempts to get more involved in campus ministry and meet friends. When I get to the practice, we're discussing a vision and the whole conversation is about "outsiders" and "insiders" also known as those who know God and those who don't. To me there are no outsiders and insiders. We are all people loved by God weather we know it or not. Just because I'm in church every Sunday doesn't mean there's someone out there who has never seen a church in their life with purer intentions and a loving spirit for all. We also talk about "secular" things. Secular means non-christian. Maybe I haven't become the best christian I can be, but I still listen to songs by non-christian artists and music that isn't necessarily just made for the purpose of praising God. Being honest and revealing these things led to them looking at me like an "unsaved person". They basically gave me the look that says it all. You're not one of us.

Alright, so I don't fit in with the church people. That's ok. Lately, I've been involving myself in more African American activities. I'm a black woman and proud of that fact. It comes with challenges, but I wouldn't want to be anybody else. I grew up in a suburban neighborhood where a majority of the people were Caucasian. I was not raised to discriminate and some of the best, truest friends I have were Caucasian, Hispanic, Arabic, and different from myself. Not everyone had those kind of diverse friendships. This makes them more hesitant in college. One thing I've noticed is there aren't many interracial couples on ku campus, and out of the few there are it's never a Caucasian male with a black girl. Basically what I'm saying is I've given up on that as a possibility. They see the whole thing as "jungle fever", and I don't want to be referred to as jungle anything. I'm a human being and if you would refer to the love that you and I have as something "wild" and out there, then I don't see it happening or lasting. So I'm stuck in this dilemma of trying to hit it off with the black people I've been grouped with (and love. Don't get me wrong) when I've grown up with white people. The whole thing is quite different.

I've gone to a lot of different events. Parties and student unions, but I just don't seem to hit it off with them. I don't listen to the right artists or know any of the slang that's used. I just come off as dorky without even saying anything. The group at this university are loud and outgoing. I don't feel like there's a place for a shy, quiet person like me. No one really approaches me in these situations. They go after the people that are loud and not scared to make their opinions known. The people who have the same interests as they do. Can't even blame anyone. That's just how it is. It puts me in a weird position, because I don't fit in with either crowd. Or really anyone. I'm just by myself on a deserted island trying to stay afloat.

I have a little crush on this boy, but honestly I'm kind of scared to meet him. When we meet he won't like me, then it'll be over. I know that's a stupid way to think and you never know if you don't try. That's just the way it is. So here I am back at square one. Forever alone, cold, and confused. Waiting for things to look up. Where do I go from here? If I knew I would be doing it, instead of sorting out my thoughts with you all once again.

song of the day: Fly by Nicki Minaj

quote of the day: I am not a word. I am not a line. I am not a girl that could ever be defined.

"I lost my faith in my darkest days, but he makes me want to believe"

When I started this blog three years ago, I was in the tenth grade. My favorite color was pink. I dreamed of meeting Trey Songz, and I was hopelessly in love with a boy who didn't even live in my city. I'm not in tenth grade anymore, but back to the sophomore status. Being a sophomore means you're supposed to start figuring it out. Nothing is new anymore. You've had experience, so you have tools to help you find your way. It's a unique place to be. My favorite color is still pink. I no longer wear nothing, but that color though. Thank goodness. I've found my way to new style choices as well. I met Trey Songz, so check. I still love his music, so I guess some things never change. I don't love that boy anymore. But new crushes have found their way into my heart.

Some things have changed and other have stayed the same. Today at this very moment with I Won't Give Up playing in the background I feel like that hopeless romantic dreamer all over again. I think that will always be part of who I am. There's nothing I enjoy more then a love story. Weather it be Titanic, or grandma and grandpa who grew old together. We live in a world where mostly bad things happen. You can have the news on all day and not hear a single encouraging word. The other day I saw a story about this ten year old boy who took a gun and shot his abusive father. He was on television pleading with his mother for forgiveness. He's facing seven years in jail, because there was evidence it wasn't just spur of the moment. So there's the side of me who thinks, lock him up before he kills other people. You've got to be a stone to kill your own flesh and blood. But then there's the side that thinks he's just a baby. He probably hadn't even truly realized how heavy death is for everyone involved. That same side hurts for his mother. She lost her husband and shouldn't have to lose her baby too. It's a lose lose situation. This is just one of the many examples of all the negative stories we're surrounded by all the time.

In a world filled with all kinds of darkness, I think love is the light. Loving another makes you put your selfishness aside and believe in something bigger then just you. Being with another person can cause you to be the best possible version of yourself. Like they say in Les Misereable "To love another person is to see the face of God". It's so powerful and one of the most pure things left on earth. I may not see it as often as I have in the past, but it's there. We live in the generation of twerking and sleeping around. Fun before anything else. But underneath it's still there. That desire to love and be loved. I don't think it'll ever go away. Not for me at least.

song of the day :  I Won't Give up by Jason Mraz

quote of the day: "To love another person is to see the face of God"  - Les Miserables

Random update : Going to the Parachute concert tonight, and I couldn't be more excited! yay.

"On a Wednesday, In a Cafe. I watched it begin again.."

Monday was the first day of school. I may be in college, but I still get excited about the first day. I went shopping about a week before and got a couple possibilities and felt pretty confident with my choice. I wore jean capris with a blue and brown top that had short sleeves with a little cutout in them. I felt cute, confident, and five pounds lighter then I actually am. woohoo! Once I got to school there was a moment of panic. The University of Kansas is a school with 24,577 people. Being 1 out of that amount, you feel a little small.
Especially after a long summer of being in an empty town where you could be on your own until the sidewalk ends. I walked into my first class of the day with 648 people in it. It was a little overwhelming. The good news is today is Wednesday, and I'm already back in the swing of things. It doesn't seem quite so intimidating anymore.

The classes I'm taking this semester are :

Organic Chemistry + the lab
Microbiology + the lab
Advanced Kiswahili  (class of 2. Me and another person of African decent)
West African History and Civilization

The labs were boring, but my lectures were actually not too bad. The two electives of course were the most exciting. The West African History professor is such a joy. He's an older man about to retire next year. He has a such a passion for West Africa. It's honestly not something I've ever seen before. He isn't from Africa, but he has an undeniable passion for the country. For those who don't know, I'm East African and both places are very different. I know nothing about West Africa except the people from there braid really tight and at some point liked big girls (i.e. the movie Phat Girls). A west African girl in my class raised her hand and asked him how he became so interested. He said "In my youth, I faught in Vietnam. My sister told me to run away to Canada, but I didn't have a penny to my name. I fought a war that I didn't believe that and lost faith in my country again. I went to Ghana and fell in love with it there. Never looked back". She said, "Wow. Normally no one cares.." it was said with the sweetest sadness. It's true. Most people don't care about Africa. They care about starving children in Somalia, the world cup, and animals, but n one realizes that there's so much more to the country then that. Even me at times. I have a geeked out excitement for this class. If it stays this interesting, there will definitely be more updates.

I'm contemplating joining a sorority. I know this seems weird, because I'm in the type of friend group that dumps on sororities all the time. A lot of people consider it buying friends or just silly. I personally do get tired of seeing all the pictures of people holding up their little triangle signs or whatever on my facebook timeline. The sorority I'm considering is much different from those. That's a traditionally black sorority. The girls in it seem fairly friendly. I don't really know if I can afford it or if I'd even like it once I joined. It's a for life type of commitment, so we'll see where it goes. I'm not much of a risk taker, so it probably won't go anywhere.

I also joined the Black Student Union. The first meeting was actually pretty nice. I didn't really stay to chat or meet anyone, but it seemed like a pretty great bunch of people. I enjoyed the meeting and don't plan on quitting.

Hope all of your first week were as interesting as mine, and those of you who are done with school and just working. I'm sorry. Work is hard, and I feel your pain. This email is coming to you from my un-air conditioned cubical at work. Yes, it's over 90 degrees outside.

Song of the day: Just Hold On We're Going Home - Drake

Quote of the day :
"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." - Martin Luther King Jr. (50 years since he delivered his I Have A Dream speech today. His contributions to society are immeasurable. God rest his soul.)

"Losing him was blue like I've never known, missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met. But loving him was red".

On Saturday, August 3rd I experienced amazement. Something absolutely wonderful. This wonder is known as The Red Tour and stars Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, and Florida Georgia Line. Every second of it was everything I wanted it to be and more. We initially had these terrible seats in the 200 section. As a frequent concert goer, I can no longer stand seats way up there. I know that makes me a total stuck up person, but it's just not the same. I like to see my performer with my own eyes, and to feel the beat of the drum not shake from the sound of the speakers. Being up close and personal is the best & only way to fully experience a concert.

As a frequent concert goer, I can also say with confidence that the Red Tour was above and beyond what most tours are. There were flying drummers, confetti, indoor fireworks, costumes (in the literal sense of the word), several different stage arrangements, and three different stages in general. Taylor Swift is one of the only performers of her stature who's willing to crowd surf and get up close and personal with her fans. She has fun! That's so rare. To see someone on stage having that fabulous of a time, and that in awe of her own fame. If it's acting, then I fell for it. She seemed genuinely excited to be there the entire time and just shocked by all the love she was getting. She sold out two back to back shows at the sprint center in minutes! Very few artists can do that.

So I've told you about all the magic. I left the arena absolutely wonderstruck. Can you believe that some people left without the slightest spark of excitement? It made me realize that a majority of Americans have lost their wonder. They are given so much that they can't truly appreciate when something is truly fantastic. There were many little girls at the concert. Seeing all those little ones made me think of my nieces. I've been communicating with them more frequently lately which makes them for lack of a better word more real. In Khaled Hosseni's new book And The Mountains Echoed, he has a character that goes back to his homeland somewhere in the middle east. He meets this very sick girl who needed his help. Originally her pain was always on his mind. He wanted to do everything he could to help her. But as he stayed in America, he slowly began to forget the intensity of her struggles and the ones that many others face in that area. After going back to Africa this summer, I see how that is.

At first you're just so into trying to do anything you can to help the people there. Then you fall back into this haze where spending $40 on a manicure seems reasonable even though most people don't even have $40 to spend the entire month in other countries. Anyways, as I was seeing those little girls singing along to Taylor Swift, holding up their signs that she's never going to see, and being surrounded my indoor fireworks and confetti. I thought of my little nieces and how they will probably never get to experience anything like that. Never. They'll never get to experience a clean public bathroom let alone an arena that holds thousands of people with fireworks and a stage, and any of that.

So when you're sitting in an arena experiencing the magic that is this life we live, you should do everything in your power to appreciate it. Simply breathing is a blessing, but getting to live a life of such privelage like many in this country get to do makes me grateful beyond measure. I feel like I'm the only one who realizes this. This is why I'm bubbling with excitement at every moment. Why I strive to feel alive. I'm Alive by Celine Dion is my jam. When I hear it, I dance. Why shouldn't I dance? With all the blessings in my life, I have no right to go through my day to day life without appreciation for anything and everything. Those red moments are everything.

Song of the day : Red by Taylor Swift

Quote of the day: "Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year"

"What's real is something that the eyes can't see, what the hands can't touch, what them broads can't be, and that's you"

All summer I've spent two hours every Monday night watching Desiree find love on The Bachelorette. I fell in love with the concept of this show last fall, so this was the first time I got to see it reversed. She dates 25 men in an eight week period. What I loved about this season was that it wasn't easy. On Sean's season of the bachelor, he had 25 women who were absolutely in love with him and acted perfectly. Even the goodbyes were just the right amount of tears. Just enough that the mascara didn't smear. But I've learned in the past couple months that life isn't like that. If you're really living, Mascara will smear and your heart will break. You'll cry, you'll hurt. It's the tears and the pain you go through that prepare you for the joy to come. If it wasn't for the heartache and long nights, you don't realize just how wonderful your day to day life is. Desiree spent seven of the eight weeks in love with this guy Brooks. There's nothing wrong with Brooks aside from his old man hipster status. He just wasn't my type. We all watched desiree fall deeper and deeper in love with Brooks, and Brooks have little to no feelings for her. She couldn't see it!

I've been delusioned by blind optimism before, so I was especially interested if she would be able to let go of her fantasy in order to appreciate the wonderful man that was right in front of her. Chris was the best choice. The best choice is never the perfect one. We live in a world that strives for nothing less then perfection. The plus side to this is that we're hard workers and do everything we can to be the best we can be. The downside of this is that no one can achieve perfection. Everyone has some kind of flaw weather it be big or small. So you make the most of what you having with what you can be and the courage within. 

Our society encourages us to be the best version of ourselves. Lately I've been seeing that as encouraging each other to put concealer on the zits that are our imperfections. We're encouraged to lie to ourselves and the public about certain flaws, but pretending their not there does noting to make them disappear. Being yourself should never be a struggle or something you have to work towards. The best version of yourself is you just the way you are. If people don't happen to see the good in the person you are, then they're the ones with the flaws not you. 

Back to Chris. Chris is tall, athletic, and handsome. He's also pretty corky. A simple dresser. Sweet personality. Close with his family. He writes cheesy poems to express his feelings, and he gets excited about everything. In the words of J. Cole, he's the crooked smile guy. Originally, Desiree wasn't able to see the beauty in the crooked smile. But when she finally did she realized it was much greater then the ten years of braces smile. The imperfections built character and allowed it to be easier to see what was within. That's what's most important anyways right? Congratulations to the happy couple and I wish nothing but the best or them. 

I hope that I can someday find someone with all the right imperfections, and I'm smart enough to look past the little things into the person as they are. Not the best version of them, but what is. t

song of the day: Crooked Smile by J. Cole

quote of the day: 

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” - Marilyn Monroe

"It's Got Mountains; It's Got Rivers; It's Got Sights That Give You Shivers, but it sure would be prettier with you"

Having family in another country is a really difficult thing. Maybe those of you with family in different states feel the same way, but it can't be that bad. As I've mentioned multiple times this summer in this blog, I have family literally everywhere. Those who are in different states here in the U.S. I've been closer to, because every few years I get to see them and be with them. The reconnecting happens. With my family that lives in Great Brittan or Africa, it had been 9 years since I had seen most of them. The recent passing of my cousin was an overall difficult experience. She made me realize (among many other things) that blood is much thicker then water. I really hurt for her and still am hurting for her. The song If I Die Young found itself to me, and it makes me think of her. That and When I'm gone. Through all of what happened though, I couldn't help but wonder if she would of felt bad if things were reversed.

I loved my cousin, but like most of my other foreign cousins it's not like we really spent lots of hours having long conversations. I couldn't tell you her favorite color, or what her first day of high school was like. Since we normally see each other for a 3 or four week period at most you never really get close enough to talk about the really juicy stuff. But after her passing, I just felt a much stronger connection to the cousins that I have left. But my stronger connection made me realize that it may be one way. I don't think they really feel it that much. The ones in Africa are each others best friends. We have such a big family that it really isn't necessary to have friends outside our little family circle. There are boys and girls for each age group and they all love each other like brothers and sisters. It's stuff like that I wish I could be a part of. I do have some cousins that are best friends here in the U.S. , but there's only like two of us at a time. It's not the same.

My cousin who passed away and her little sister were always the relatives that showed me the most love. From when I was a little girl to just last year, they always cared for me. The younger one is closer to my age, so in the past we had a lot of good times together. This time...I didn't see her. She didn't really come visit me and we didn't reconnect until the wedding happened. None of my cousins came to visit me. I can't blame them. They don't know me. We're strangers. The one I give the most credit too is my little niece. I love that little girl. She's 13 and would come visit me or want to hang out all the time. She would tell me about her dreams and what she wants to be when she grows up. How much her brother annoyed her. All the regular teenage girl stuff, and I loved being able to be an aunt to her. Unfortunately, it's hard to keep the connection as strong when someone's so far away. If I see cute dresses in her size and I have the cash, I always try and get one to send to her. She texted me recently as sweet as ever and that made me day, but it also made me sad. It could be another 10 years before I see her. I was already so surprised at how grown up she was. Imagine how she'll be after 10 years?

From the way I'm talking you can see that I'm ripped in half. Part of me feels like a connection with my relatives is impossible, because I'm so far away. I went all the way over there and most of them showed no interest in me..so that settles it? Right? Wrong. Because I do love them. It terrifies me that one day I'll get have children and they won't know their relatives or any of my family members. Then generations will come and it'll be like we don't even have any family far away anymore. I'm starting to think thats the unfortunate fate, but we'll see what happens.

song of the day : When I'm Gone (cup song) by Pitch Perfect

quote of the day : “You don't know how much you really miss someone until you see them again.” - Steven Monaco

"Father, help us. Send some guidence from above. Cause people got they got me questioning. Where is the Love?"

Hello everyone,
Guess what? Oprah changed my life again. I have to give you a little bit of Me and Oprah history. Growing up, every day at 4:00 we had Oprah on. It didn't matter what she was talking about or who she was interviewing. There was always something to learn. Well now, there's OWN network as most of you probably know. You don't even have to wait until four, because she's on all day! I know...I know, I'm a desperate soap opera watching housewife in the making, but you really do learn a lot. I recently had the opportunity to watch her Dark Skin documentary. It taught me a lot of stuff I didn't already know which probably sounds funny seeing as I'm a dark skinned person.

I have one of the weirdest ,most unique families ever. I wouldn't trade it for the world though, because its been a blessing and helped form the way I view life. In my family there are Tanzanian, Kenyan, Australian, German, British, French, and Sweedish citizens. And I'm not telling the story we've all heard many times about I'm 1/10006th this or that. All of my family originates from Zanzibar, but they're all over the world now and have married all kinds of people in those locations. We have dark skin people, mixed people, white people, black people, christian people, muslim people, and a jewish person. Every single one of them is beautiful. I'm not just saying this, because of the new trend. It's true. We're all as different as people can be, but we're a family and it works. Its all love. Growing up in that kind of environment, I see people not traits. Not everyone was lucky enough to have that opportunity.

The light skin vs. dark skin war was probably around even before the blond vs. brunette war. Unfortunately, instead of disappearing with time it's growing. They claim this battle stemmed from slavery, and there is some truth in that. But it's all over the world, even in places where there was never slavery. Back in the days when slavery existed in the United States, lighter skinned people were chosen to work better jobs with more interaction, because they looked more Caucasian. What started as one persons opinion soon became the life, truth, and way. The issues of years ago affected a gorgeous little eight year old girl today. She was featured on the special. She didn't believe she was pretty and at such a young age she hated herself. She felt that she was treated differently because of the way she looked. Not by people different from her this time, but by her own people.

This little girl wasn't the only one featured in the documentary. They "ironically" found some darker toned people and asked them what kind of girls they prefer. There were no tricks or judgment. It was a resounding chorus of light skin. To the defense of three of the men, they did say it's the heart and personality that matters. The rest of them must have forgotten to look at the woman who gave birth to him, and the reflection seen every day in the mirror because they were screaming chants of "what I look like is ugly". They didn't see it though. That was the funny part. They just kept talking about how bad people with dark skin are without realizing they're a part of the very thing they were making fun of. They say ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I think so. Maybe these men walk a little taller by ignoring who they are and where they come from, but that very type of thinking made that poor little girl shrink inside.

The documentary talked about how people in other countries lighten their skin using chemicals. That one hit home. I told you I have every type of person in my family right? Well we have skin lighteners too. It's only a couple people. An image of poor MJ (may he rest in peace) probably popped up, but it's not like that. It literally lightens you to whatever shade you're looking for. A lot of them turn out a very light brown. About Kim Kardashian's shade. I can't tell you if it happens all over your body cause I've never seen them naked or anything, but they've done it. Do they look like Goddesses's after? I wouldn't say so. They look beautiful, but they always were. Same features, same everything. Just a different color. I know some of you may be judging them right this minute. Accusing them of betraying their race or just being plain stupid. But can you blame them? This isn't the only form of transoformation around. Thousands in asian countries get plastic surgery every year to have eyes that look more like that have "the look". We live in a society that idolizes light skin. Barbie is one of the first tastes of femininity a little girl gets. What does barbie look like? Blond hair, blue eyed. It makes sense for her to look that way in America. That's what a majority of people look like. But Barbie is everywhere, and for a majority of the world she doesn't look like them. That's a whole different story in itself.

At the end they talked about just how deep the problem goes. What do we wear to funerals? Dark colors. Everything bad in society has a dark connotation.That's not something that could change over night. Oprah's goal in this special was to start the conversation that's been underground. Her talking about it made me notice it even more in some recent instagram photos. I thought I'd share them with you.

The top picture is hating on the girl who has extensions, and the bottom picture is them making fun of the girl that doesn't have extensions. Don't even get me started on the whole "bitches be like" thing. We live in in a society that makes in incredibly okay to degrade people. Women, people of color, the less fortunate. Everything's a joke. Well this rant is over. I hope it opened your eyes in the way it opened mine. I can only hope and pray that my future daughters won't have to go through what that little girl in the documentary is going through. Maybe Martin Luther Kings dream will finally 100% come true. Someday..


 Song of the day : I have a Dream by Common (Freedom Writers soundtrack)

Quote of the day : "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

"Lead me with strong hands. Stand up when I can't...Show me you're willing to fight. That I'm still the love of your life".

It can be kind of hard for me to figure out exactly what I want. When I started writing out my thoughts on this blog, it became a little more clear as the days went on.  Maybe that will happen again. My number one goal at this moment is getting into pharmacy school. That means maintaining my grades, volunteering, and soaking in the information I learn now so I can put it to good use later. I would also like the basics that everyone wants : to be a good person, grow in my faith, lose weight, keep a positive outlook on life, get married and have children before I'm old (30) and achieve happiness. The first word that came to mind was a state of contentment, but I want to aim higher then that. Happiness. I realize that this can't be gained by checking every factor off my list, but it's definitely a start.

When I get married was trending on twitter. A lot of it was jokes for days, but some of it was serious and made me think a little deeper. What do I want?

1. The first thing that popped in my head is this song. It's called Lead Me by Sanctus Real. The chorus goes
"Lead me with strong hands/stand up when I can't/don't leave me hungry for love chasing things/Show me you're willing to fight that I'm still the love of your life." Here's the link if you're curious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl6szsGsE1s . The words just resonate with me. I want someone who's willing to lead. To be a man. I want someone who's affectionate that believes in what we have. Believes in it so much that they would go to hell and back to make it work.

2. Someone I can grow with. Most people get divorced, and say "they're not the person I fell in love with" . Of course they're not. When you fell in love you were young with an entirely different set of problems. It was just you, no children. You're supposed to grow together as one unit and do your best to compromise and move in the same direction. I would like us to have similar goals, but be comitted enough to the relationship to know how to sacrifice.

3. I want a best friend. Someone I can talk to about anything and everything. Someone I can laugh with and someone I can cry with. The kind of person who will get excited with me about the silliest things and always be my partner in crime. I should never have to be anything other then myself around them. It should be one hundred percent open and honest. I read somewhere about Channing Tatum and his wife. We all know Channing Tatum is a real catch in more ways but one. But every day him and his wife ask ask each other "how much do you love me today?" . They answer with a number on a scale of one to ten. When it's more of a two kind of days they talk about what it is their missing and why their unsatisfied. When it's a ten kind of day they thank each other for being 100% into what they have. I thought it was beautiful.

4. I need a God fearing man. Religion is so important to me. It makes me who I am, and it encourages me to live my life the way I do, because I see the bigger picture. I would like someone who encourages me and helps me grow my relation ship with God. A believer who's willing to remind me of the light at the end of the tunnel when I feel down and helpless.

5. He needs to be open to different cultures. I'm an African girl. I speak swahili when i'm excited. I cook African food. I think I look my prettiest when my henna's done right. I need someone who could understand that side of me and feel comfortable in that kind of environment. They need to understand both of the cultures that I'm a part of , and I realize that that's no easy task.

6. I  want someone who could be a great father to our children. They don't have to be one now, but someone that could grow into it. Someone that could support them. Be a man who show's a little boy how to be a man, and a little girl what she deserves. Someone who's involved in the soccer games or choir concerts.Someone like my own dad. I'm young now and not really ready to have anyones baby. Occasionally I catch the fever, but I don't get carried away.
             
   b. I would prefer if they didn't have a baby mama. I get that at this point in time that's really rare and hard to find. I don't have the typical black girl "that chick trapped my man" hatred. Here's the thing. When you have a baby with someone, it connects you in an unbelievable way. For the rest of your lives and that childs you have Christmas's, birthday's, and everything else that comes with loving that child. You also have love for the woman that gave you that child. You can't have two families and one happy home. At some point you're going to have to sacrifice someone one family needs for the other. You're always in two places feeling like maybe you should be at the other. Someone loses and it just doesn't seem like a fair situation. I'm also not really up for the whole "sister wives" thing, so I just can't see that working out.

7. Someone I can talk to about everything and anything. Every single fear I have, every little hope I have for the future. Someone who's willing to listen to me blab about the Kardashians and listen to the silly songs I write when I'm in one of those moods. Someone I can laugh with. The little things, the big things. Laughter is so important.

8. I need someone that brings out the best in me. The kind of man that's strong enough to say no or tell me what I'm doing is wrong. I can't promise that i'll never lose my way, but it helps to have someone that has my best interest at heart to lead me back to where I need to be. To never let me lose sight of who I am and where I came from.

9. I like cuddling. I like the line from the song chasing cars "If I just lay here..if I just lay here with you..Will you lie with me and just forget the world?". I don't want the kind of person I always feel like I have to impress. We should always have to dress up or ever feel not good enough. It needs to be the "hair tied, sweats on, chilling with no makeup on. That's when you're the prettiest I hope that you don't take it wrong" kind of relationship.

10. Everything I want can be summed up by one of my favorite Bible verses. Corinthians 13: 4-8 "Love is Patient. Love is Kind. It does not envy; It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails".

"She will, and she can find a man who knows her worth...."

Teen pregnancy, the epidemic that has taken the nation. As a teen myself, my entire Facebook timeline could be called "a single mothers lament". Pictures of their baby's, shots at the missing baby daddy, and complaints about how they miss "fun" and "friends". It's very hard for me to sympathize with them, or anyone who knew what they were getting into when something happened. If you want to walk across a tightrope with no harnest like that awesome guy yesterday on the discovery channel, go ahead! I won't stop you. But if you fall 700 ft. , I will not shed a tear for you. You knew that there is gravity, and that what you were doing isn't safe. Will I cry for your children? Your wife? Yes, because they didn't have a choice in the matter and are left to deal with the consequences of your choice.

Back to teen pregnancy. I have a public service announcemnt. It's 100% preventable. There are very few "tragedies" that are 100% preventable. It's not even worth calling a tragedy if there's an obvious way to keep it from happening. It's called, keeping your legs closed. Is sex fun? Probably. Is the person your with going to push you to do it? More then likely. Do you have to do it? No. No one can force you to do anything you don't want to.If they are is that really the kind of person you want to spend your time with and share your life with. So many people have unsafe sex knowing good and well that's how babies happen. You want to risk it? Go ahead, but don't expect someone to feel bad for you or pay for those diapers and bottles for you. Babies are a blessing. I'm a hypocrite, because I don't believe in abortion. This kind of goes back to my philosophy on, I don't feel bad for you if you knew what you were getting in to. If the government provides you with planned parenthood, free condoms, free birth control in bigger cities, and makes sure to teach every single one of you about abstinence and preventing pregnancy, then you have been fairly warned. You knew what you were getting into and the time has come to deal with you consequence. That's how you learn.

Even I know that ideally everyone learned from their mistake, but not everyone does. My own cousin started having children right after her teen years at like 20. She proceeded to have five children about a year apart after that. She is raising all five alone. After five, she stopped. That was all she could handle. She learned her lesson. Is over population a problem? Yes, but I personally believe the world has a way of taking care of these things. Not to be the worlds biggest downer, but there have been multiple amounts of mass killings of people in each generation. The wars, shootings, and such kind of take care of that problem on its own. It breaks my heart, and I wouldn't wish such terrible things on anyone, but..you have to see where i'm coming from. If it's 100% preventable, and we all know how it's preventable then is it really a tragedy or a choice? That's all I'm trying to say.

song of the day: A Woman's Worth by Alicia Keys (knowing your worth and having this kind of confidence can also help you prevent yourself from these sticky situations.)

Quote of the day : Smart girls open their minds, Easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their hearts.

We live in the generation of not being in love and not staying together, but we sure make it seem like we're together. Cause we're scared to see each other with somebody else.

Drake preaches. It's rarely the word of God although he is a believer and man of the jewish faith. He calls out people and tells this generation what we need to hear in the only way to reach out to us. He tweets, he raps, and we listen. That's the way to get to us. The hours I used to put into reading a book a day every summer now go into my phone. It's so sad, and I'm so disappointed in myself for it, but that's my truth. In the line that's the title of this post, he talks about how this generation doesn't have true love. It's the truth. This is the generation where 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, and a majority of guys have a baby mama or two before they graduate from high school. It's a tragedy, but our reality. Then there's the fact that we're all so independent. We think that we're invincible. Every last one of us.

Neyo sang Miss Independent and I wanted to be that girl. The one with her own car and house. Don't need anyone else. The truth is that everyone needs somebody. *que the arguing about how you don't need anyone* and i'll tell you what my dad told me. No one can bury themselves. It's a few words that have heavy meaning. You can do everything by yourself. Cook, clean, graduate. You name it and it can be done. But when it's all said and done and you're at your lowest point, you're going to need someone. That's just how it is. I heard my dad and his friend talking once about how he no longer attends the mosque. He has high blood pressure and high stress. My dad told him he better find his way back, because if that blood pressure takes him out no one is going to pay to bury him. What happens to people who have no one is their body gets taken by the city. Every state has different procedures, but there was a news story about one state where they hung the bodies from trees and people climbed ladders to take the parts they want for scientific testing. That's the end of Mr. I can do bad all by myself. Best believe, his friend hightailed his butt to that mosque every friday. If anything happens, someone has his back. Who has yours?

We're all so busy trying to catch these big dreams of ours that we forgot it's not the acheivments that matter and bring joy, it's the people that are there to celebrate with you. The ones who made the work worth it and encouraged you to continue going for it that whole time.One Tree Hill asked a great question. "Who do you want standing next to you when all your dreams come true?" Thats the person that matters. That's who you should be chasing after. The one you want to celebrate with when it's all said and done. The one you'll sing the song Look What You've Done to. Celine Dion sang "I'm everything I am because you loved me". It's so powerful. So take some time to appreciate those around you and love them back. My grandpa always used to say, "If you love me, bring me flowers today". They look mighty pretty on that grave stone, but he can't enjoy them now. Show your appreciation now while it still counts.

Song of the day : Because you Loved Me by Celine Dion

Quote of the day : "To love another person is to see the face of God" - Les Miserables (I just love saying the name of this movie! It rolls off the tongue so beautifully)

"I'll be 87: you'll be 89 i'll still look at you like the stars that shine in the sky oh my my my"

I love a cute old couple more then anything. The other day I was driving to pick up my friend before a different friends birthday. There was a motorcycle driving beside me, and I thought to myself "kind of risky to be driving at night isn't is". All the stories of my mom's thighs getting burned from short skirts on my dads motorcycle and her toes getting ran over or such. She has me quite convinced it isn't the most glamorous lifestyle, but lets be real. It's fun. My uncle let me take his for a spin while I was in Africa. By spin I mean I rode up and down the rode in front of my grandma's house. He rode behind me and basically steered it all, but it was crazy fun. It's an undescribable rush. You all should try it sometime in some sensible clothing. This wasn't the point of the story. The point of the story is when I took a look at the couple on the motorcycle, it was an old man and an old woman. They were the risk taking night time motorcycle drivers. They looked so in love enjoying every minute of it. I thought it was the coolest thing.

Then today, I'm reading my people magazine issue instead of studying as always and I see this picture of a couple that reached their 70 year anniversary. Wow. First, lets be amazed at the fact that they even lived that long. I hate to be a downer, but not many people get over 70 years period let alone 70 years shared with someone else and 90 some years of life. What a blessing. We can only hope and pray for the same kind of love for us and our loved ones. Then the funny thing is, they posed for a picture at a carnival as a bride and groom when they were only four years old. That was the moment he knew she was the one he wanted to marry. She didn't see it in him at first, but eventually she saw him differently and agreed. They never looked back and now they've spent 70 years of their life together. Joy, sorrow, heartbreak, excitement, children, and gradnchildren. Everything good and real about life. They've done it together. It is such a beautiful thing. Who doesn't want this?

The song Mary's Song (oh my my my) was one hundred percent written about this kind of love. If you haven't heard it, this is your chance. It's gold.

And I'm Still in Love, Cause When It's That Real It Just Doesn't Fade

"You love me and I love you, and your heart hurts, mine does too. And it's just words , but they cut deep. But it's our world, it's just us too"

Drake resonates with me in a way many other artists don't. I don't know what it is. I'm not a rich, swagged out, black man with strippers and hoes alike. I'm a small town Kansas girl with big dreams and a crushed spirit. But somehow something about the words he says brings us together. I really relate to his music. It's not a match you would have seen coming. Me and Taylor Swift is something that was just meant to happen. This was different. I spent the last week listening to his song "Look What You've Done" on repeat. I just can't get enough. Eventually I move on to the other songs on the Take Care album, but I need at least three times with that one.

I don't know why, but I just feel hurt. Maybe it's because it's fathers day, and my dad is at work. But this obviously isn't the first time, and I know that's not it. The fact that he works so far away is a big part of the respect that I have for him. He sacrifices his life to make sure this family works financially. He would do anything for me, and I love him for that. I think the tears are tears of loss and tears of fear.

Fear of dreaming too big and being let down. Never achieving it. Fear of getting stuck in a fairytale world and wasting my time. Fear of getting used like i've seen so many other young girls my age. It's so easy to get sucked into the darkness of this world, and I guess some of my walls stem from fear of that. Fear that it's not him, but me and everyone else can see whatever is lacking in me. Sometimes it's fear that what I feel is love that they'll never feel. Sometimes its fears that it's not just a phase and the world really is as superficial as it seems. That maybe only some people win and others just deal. Fear that I am that 40% strong , independent black woman that will end up alone.

Sometimes it's the fact that everyone around me seems to be so happy and know exactly what they're doing. Today I just feel lost. And Drake, he's lost too. So i'll sing to his heartache even 456789 times. I'll sing until I find myself or whatever unknown answer it is i'm looking for. When I don't have the words to say, he does. So here's to drake. To fear. To heartache, and tears. The moments that help us appreciate the good times when they come.

Sometimes blessings come in raindrops, and healing comes through tears. This may just be one of those times.

Song of the day: Look What You've Done by Drake

quote of the day : "For my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold. I shall not be shaken" - Psalm 62:5,6

"Send me away with the words of a love song"

Life is not fair. It's not written anywhere. Nothing's promised. It can change in an instance for the better. You could win the lottery, meet the love of your life, and complete your pursuit of happiness. Things can go wrong just as quickly. They can crash, burn, and end. Today, I lost my cousin, my sister, my friend. She lived in Africa, but she was always special to me because she's my parents God child. She's my sister in christ. She was only 28 years old. Like any typical African death, it could have been prevented anywhere else. I don't doubt God's plans, and I don't question what happened. It's just that third world countries don't have any of the prevention that we have. They don't get check ups. They don't have doctors emergencies, and the medications are low quality. These are the reasons why I will never understand condemning the American health care system. Sure it costs a ton of money, but you can count on it. You pay a lot of money for something good. Health is something you can't put a price on. It's everything.

Today my heart hurts for my cousin. She didn't get to experience everything life had to offer, but she lived. She loved. And she left an imprint on my heart. I will never forget the love and kindness she showed me. Honestly, I'm speechless. I don't have much to say. I barely believe she's gone. When you're far away, it hurts more. You don't get the closure that comes with the funeral and crying with loved ones. You have to go on the best you can. I went to school, and lab more or less in a trance. Just pushing through. The pain of losing a loved one will pass with time, but my memories of dear Elsie will never leave. It's not fair, but life was never fair and it never will be. It just is.

UPDATE: Not going to lie. Yesterday I cried and cried until I felt sick. Brave face at school, but the middle those songs on K-Love about going to heaven and being redeemed start playing in the car it's tears. I'm not a crier. People know it's serious when I cry. I don't like going to people when I'm hurt, because I never know what to do when other people are crying. I don't want to be that person for them. It's not that I don't feel like I can come to you all. I'm just a tough cookie. I deal on my own.

But yesterday about 11 at night, God brought peace in my heart and I accepted it. I understood that my sister is gone, but she's in a wonderful place. She's not crying. She's not hurting. Heaven is real. I also started thinking about the things I can learn from her life. My cousin was a beautiful girl. I wanted to call her the Kim K. kind of beauty, but that doesn't do it justice. She was the nails done, hair done, everything did type of girl.  And when she was dressed up her confidence was unstoppable. There was no boy she wouldn't approach, and she would dance like no one was watching anywhere and everywhere. She had no trouble telling those she loved she loved them even when they didn't feel the same way. She had a lot of love to give. She never got caught up in the drama that so many other girls in this generation do. Sure she had fun, but she never went overboard. So to honor her, I'm going to take carry a little bit of her in me. Though I'm a bit on the lazy side for the nails done, pin curl my hair every night type thing, I will walk out the door every day making sure I feel like a million bucks. I'll do my best to love others based on the example she showed me. And I'll appreciate every precious second I'm given here on earth. You never know when it's over, so you might as well make the most of it.

"When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me.."

You know what they say. You live and you learn. For awhile I was just upset with the people in my life. I blamed the wrong people, and it finally clicked that I was being selfish about the whole thing. The world does not revolve around me, and people can't be all they have going on at the snap of a finger. I can't talk our every life decision or moment with someone, unless their my husband or something. Seeing as there's not ring and my finger and no one has vowed to listen to my every complaint and help me work through every issue yet; It was wrong for me to blame people. It's a busy world where everyone has busy lives and their own ish to deal with. That's just how it goes. I'm a big girl now (figuratively & literally, but that's a problem for a different day). I need to learn to make more of my own decisions and not consult someone on every little thing. I need to appreciate the advice I've recieved from people, soak it in, and live life. On my own. By myself. Just typing that line made me realize it's a lie. Not by myself. God is always with me and as the Chris Tomlin song goes "If our God is for us, then who could ever stop us". No human, no test, no police officer, nothing can stop me. That gives me the courage I have to live my life and face the trials and tribulations of every day.

Sometimes I just need to vent. That's what this blog was for for a period of my life. I still can, but I stopped being t-swift shady and naming names. It makes the whole thing a lot less fun, but this is not Gossip Girl and none of those people deserved it. Not then or now. It just took me awhile to realize it. I appreciate those that do listen to me vent, and I hope you all know if you need someone to cry with or to just listen I'm here. You can leave a comment or call day or night. You're not alone. I'm thinking about getting an actual journal or something I can write the actual day to day stuff in. Tales of what happened and such. But I'm always paranoid about someone reading it when I'm not around. For some reason I don't feel that way about the blog. That's just the way it is I guess.

It was really sad for me to hear about Paris Jackson's suicide attempt. I hate to be the stereyotyping type, but I kind of saw it coming when she chopped her hair off and died it black then wore nothing but black for months at a time. Everyone kept meantioning the fact that she has everything a girl could want. Pony's, electronics, a mansion, and a pool side view. They forget that she doesn't have a father. I still almost tear up when I see that video of her on stage at the memorial talking about "my daddy was the best daddy in the whole wide world". It just breaks my heart that she had to lose her rock so early in life. High school can be rough and it can't be easy with people having your face all over magazines criticizing every little thing about your life. I'm praying for her and all who are in her situation. I hope that people can realize life is worth living. There's so much to see and so much to do and so much to experience. There are people to fall in love with, degrees to be had, and a million and one awesome concerts to bring the magic to your life. She's young though. Growing up isn't just for new privileges. It's from learning from years past and making sure not to repeat mistakes. Finding out who you are and what you believe in. Growing mentally and emotionally, not just physically. Sometime I feel like I'm the the only one who thinks about that side.

More thoughts coming soon. I was silly enough to take Summer classes and that alarm is going to wring at 7:11 am tomorrow. I'm already not ready to get up. Hasta La Vista, babes. xoxo

Song of the day : Tim Mcgraw by Taylor Swift (I found her old music again. It lights up my life just like it did six years ago when I first heard it). Sorry the title isn't relevant at all to the post. I do that sometimes.

A thousand miles seems pretty far, but they've got plains and trains and cars: I'd walk to you if I had no other way...

Technology is a beautiful thing. It's what's allowing me to talk to all of you right now. In a weird way, that's what I think of all this. This is me talking to you. The random stranger, the people I know, the random creep here and there. I'm being one hundred percent myself...well slightly edited. I try not to sound to preacherish which leads to eliminating some of my more religious feelings, and the occasional weird conservative thought which I refuse to mention outloud, because I don't want to turn into a republican. That's just one of those, sorry not sorry things. If you're a republican, I respect you. Don't take it the wrong way. This isn't where I was going with this. I was going to say technology is good, because it connects those from all sides of the world together. I am currently using Facebook message to speak to my cousin half way around the world.
It could be practically a real conversation, but I'm not into skype. If I'm chilling in my yoga pants with my tracks showing,  no one needs to see that. Except for Drake. Him and I can have our "sweat pants, hair tied, chillin with no make up on" moment. Drake lines always pop in my head. No matter what I say or where I am.

It's really hard to connect with family that's in a different state let alone in a different country. I think it kind of jepordizes the relationships that you do have. You have absolutely nothing to talk about, because it's been ten years since you've seen each other. It's just plane awkward. I tend to get along a lot better with my younger aunts and uncles then I do my cousins. Especially the ones in Africa. We're just too different. That connection isn't there, and it probably will never be but my parents can't know. It would break their heart if they thought we wouldn't stick together for generations and generations. As far as my family in Africa goes, they just want my stuff. Point blank period. When I was baptized, they wanted my baptismal dress for them. Same with my confirmation. Flower girl dress. When I get married, they'll want that too and I'm just gonna have to put my foot down on that one. You just come off as the snobby or selfish one if you don't want to "share" , so I always just end up sending what they ask for.

So can long distance relationships work? I'm a believer. That commercial for eHarmony says that people who join a dating section are three times more likely to meet their future spouse. I find that statistic funny. Of course it's three times more likely. Everyone that signed up is after a long term relationship, and they just block everyone who doesn't have the same interests as you so it's impossible to clash. The plain white tees singer wrote the most beautiful long distance relationship song there is, and Delilah still dumped him. But here's why I think long distance works. You both have space and opportunities to meet other people. If the first cute person you meet makes you forget about the one you left behind, you would do that in the same city too and you're not that into them. It's good to figure that out right away. If you loved the first person, you would have never gone for the second and that's the truth dot com. Second, I think getting involved physically really complicates things. Long distance gives you a chance to truly get to know each other. The phone calls, texts, letters. You can really be creative about it. You have time to learn about each other and contemplate those things. If you're still thinking about them, even though their a million miles away I think that means something. It gives you a chance to realize that your life is brighter with them in it. The reason they fail a lot of the time is because that simply isn't true for that particular couple. They weren't the ones for each other and the distance helped them realize that sooner rather then later. Do I want a long distance relationship? I don't know. I won't know unless it happens But technology sure makes all of it that much easier. Their only a text, skype call, facebook message, or flight way.

Song of the day : Hey there Delilah by the Plain White Tees

Quote of the day : Distance makes the heart grow fonder

"I don't need no dude that's perfect, just need a dude that's worth it" - Dudes Love Jay Z

Who doesn't want Beyonce's life? She has it all. True love, a caring family, one of the most successful careers in the history of ever, the skinny but curvy look, a perfect weave, she's religious, and has Obama on speed dial. I need to work to be where she is. Every new years resolution I had was basically be can be simplified as be more like Beyonce. I hate to be the typical girl, but Beyonce is such a role model to me. That's the truth. 

Song of the moment : Girls Love Beyonce by Drake

Which reminds me of Dudes Love Jay Z. This girl on youtube is preaching. Her lyrics are the best : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BJ8GNgnElM

"Just gonna stand there and watch me cry? That's alright because I love the way you lie"

I write to you with a heavy heart, but don't be scared or worried. Everything is okay. I just have that heavy heart feeling. I've had it since last night. I haven't been sad in a long time. I'm surrounded every day of my life with the joy of the lord. I'm normally a naturally happy person and little things rarely get me down, because I know I'm blessed. I have my health, my family, my home, my city, my friends, and all the different communities I'm a part of. I'm surrounded by so much awesomenesss that it feels selfish to every be down. But it happens, and it happened. Being young adult is hard. Not in the same way being an adult is though. I don't have the stress of making a marriage work or raising a child at this point in my life. It's a different kind of social stress. I'm at the age where all anyone wants to do is have fun. Am I fun hater? No. My idea of fun is traveling to the beach area, going to concerts, having conversations about nothing and everything for hours, dancing in a club setting. Thats fun to me.

I don't feel the need to be under the influence of anything to have fun. I can tell you that there are few people with the same view point. I don't drink. I don't smoke. anything. I would say it's because it's illegal, but that's not the main reason I don't do it. There's the health side of me who knows that life is a precious gift. So many are fighting day and night to hang on to their lives, for one more day, one more second. For me to have the opportunity and choose to take in toxins by choice is unthinkable. The second reason is by nature, I'm a picky person. I don't like candy of any kind, or chocolate bars of any kind. I have drunk nothing but water, milk, and tea for the last four years. It's not even for dieting purposes or anything I just don't like the taste of a lot of other juices and such.  I don't mind anyone who choses to do that. It's your life and your choice. I have made mine, but it sure does make fitting in a lot harder.

I'm lucky to have friends that didn't want to abandon me for the choices I'm making. A lot of other people would. The problem is making other friends and meeting guys. The fact that I don't drink or smoke makes me boring. They all give you the bummer look when you turn down a drink or the smoke. Girls like me don't win at this age and I guess you can say I'm getting tired of losing. I know in the long run when people need liver and lung transplants and are paying for their glory days I'll appreciate the choices I'm making now. I always believed that if you try to be the best person you can be, good things will come to you. Today's just one of those days where I lost that belief. The road less traveled on is a hard one to take. Especially when you're alone.

Do I think about giving in to the ways of society? Sometimes. It's a different age. What you're like in person matters a lot less then how active your twitter and instagram are. I just don't have the time to take pictures of myself all day every day. The selfie thing is difficult, and I can really only take them from one main angle. Plus it just seems silly to me. You see the people after all the filters they put themselves through and anyone who's seen them in person knows they never look like that. Who are you fooling?

And then on top of everything else someone I trusted as always having my back turned on me. I could care less about the act, but the fact that it was a friend makes everything that much worse.

I would tell you the whole story, but as a wise person on facebook said "Maturity is wanting to post an emotional, angsty status on facebook and restraining yourself. I stuck to my old mechanisms of feeling better and wrote a song. It goes like this. "Nicolas Sparks lied/My dreams of Noah and Allie died when you picked her instead. Why am I not surprised?/ The wrong cinderella fit in the shoe/She got the prince and the palace too/and I'm still hear alone (then the little Ingrid Michaelson harmonies go alone..on my own in the background)". It makes a lot more sense in my head.

Song of the day : Nicholas Sparks Lied

Quote of the day : “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” 

"Time Makes You Bolder/Children Get Older & I'm Getting Older Too"

A mickey house watch is the key to success. Do you have one? I had one. My mother got it for me. When I was little and learning to tell time, my parents always got me watches. My parents are lovers of Swatches. Those are swiss watches that display beauty in the simpelist of ways. I never liked swatches. The bands were either too boring or too babyish. It was a grey band or one with different kind of monkeys on it. I didn't even enjoy animals as a child. I got my mickey mouse probably around the second grade. It had a red leather band, gold trim, and inside was mickey. As a twenty first century kid, I didn't wear it much. It was easier to tell time on the digital microwave or a computer screen. But today after hearing words of wisdom from the young and the old, I remembered my mickey mouse watch and wondered if it played a part in making me the person I am today.

It was graduation sunday at church today. The preacher focused on the graduates and preached on the paths that they will take and used verses that speak of inspiration and new beginnings. He then allowed the audience to share what they wish they would have known when they were 18, and to give tips of wisdom for the graduates. Four people mentioned the importance of a mickey mouse watch. Some said it had to do with looking down at it and always remembering it's okay to be goofy and have a little fun. Some talked about how it was super expensive in their day and since it was the invention of their generation it will always have a special place in their heart. I couldn't help but notice that the people with the mickey mouse watches were all the most successful people in the church. The paster joked about how this Mickey Mouse watch thing was starting to sound cult-like, but it really made me wonder. I finished my first year of college with a 4.0 gpa. I've had nothing but A's my entire year. Yes, I worked really hard that whole time, but maybe my mickey mouse watch played a little part in that success. I may not believe in the tooth fairy or magic tricks anymore, but I think they're on to something with this Mickey Mouse watch thing.

One word of advice that really stuck out to me was a woman who got up and said something along the lines of "my advice to you is to enjoy where you are right now. I remember when I was eighteen I couldn't wait to be 21, then I couldn't wait to get a boyfriend, then I couldn't wait to be engaged, then I couldn't wait to be married etc. " She said she wishes she could have enjoyed the different phases of her life instead of always wanting to be somewhere else in her life. I have that symptom. For some reason, i've always thought the best part of your life would be 30. When you've hopefully achieved a degree, found a stable job of your dreams, fell in love, and started a family. Kim Kardashian is the one that taught me it doesn't always happen that way. When she turned 30 she went all out trying to get the fairytale she dreamed of with Kris Humphries, but the number didn't make it magical and give her what she was looking for.

Justin biebers line in That Power also comes to mind, "I'm alive..I'm alive..I'm alive.../and i'm loving every second, minute, hour, bigger, better, stronger power". Yes, I realize it's not the most beautiful line ever written in music, but it's another example of enjoying the now. Every single second is a blessing, and it should be spent enjoying yourself. So instead of daydreaming about whatever phase in next in your life, take some time to contemplate all that it is now and what it could be. I've learned that chasing things never makes them easier to grasp. When you let go and let life lead you, nothing but good will come. And the true secret is, it's better then whatever you had thought it could be. Plus, a mickey mouse watch helps.

Song of the day : That Power - Justin Bieber and Will.I.am

Quote of the day : “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” - Eleanor Rosevelt

Would you cry if you saw me crying, would you save my soul, tonight?

My father is the one who taught me and personified the saying "Actions speak louder then words". He didn't say it in english, but very few of you speak kiswahili, so we'll leave it at that. I spent my entire life watching him help people. When someone's car stops in the middle of the road, he would always drag us over to see what we could do. One time we were on a walk, so we offered to walk home and get our gas tank that we use for the mower. A police officer stopped to ask if the woman was ok shortly after and offered us a ride back to our house so we could get the tank faster. He thanked us for our kindness, and it was truly rewarding. That's the person he is. He's the one who helps people and is there for people even when it's not the easiest thing to do. I've learned from him and done my best to be a person I'm proud of. I have a gossipy mouth and am not extremely pleasent when I'm angry, but no one's perfect. What i've learned from my attempts at kindness is that not everyone is as kind to you.

There are people who are ever present when they need you in their lives and need your support. The minute after you've helped them change their tire or babysat their child while they do something, you will never hear from them again. Another huge thing my dad taught me is to never do something nice with the intension of getting something back. That defeats the entire purpose of what you're doing. I struggle with that part. I have people in my life that I feel like I'm always trying with. I'm always the one to call them or come up with a way to hang out. I go out of my way on their birthdays, graduations, and will probably do so at their weddings and baby showers. I commend some for being there for me and always being there for my big dilemmas and little ones. This rant to be isn't about you. It's the ones who never seem to be as active in the friendship as you are. Yes, I understand that everyone has a mountain of homework all the time, work, and every other stress of life you could think of. I have those issues of my own, but when it comes to maintaining a friendship and being there when I'm needed I feel like I try a lot harder then certain other individuals in my life.

I feel like the time has come to revaluate my relationships with some people. If I always have to be the one to contact them first or invite them to hang out, are they really my friends? They must make time for the other things that they do and other people they talk to. Should I bring it up with them? Would it be rude of me? Is this part of making my action speak louder then world? Continuing to be there for people who are not always there for me seems to be doing something I can be proud of without anything in return like my father taught me. Is it wrong that I hope one day they'll realize and appreciate my support. I definitely don't want to end up like the girl on 27 dresses. The bridesmaid that devotes her life to help friends and lets her own needs slip in the process. I will not text those that don't text me anymore. Those days are over. When they need me though, I will be there, because that's the person my father taught me to be. If you live in Oklahoma, I will probably check on you even if you're nowhere near where the tornado hit. The people who called me to show concern just because their a state below me are the ones that I cherish, and I will never stop trying to be that person for someone else. So if you have a grandma that always calls you to check on you or a friend who's always the first to see if you're okay after a break up, take some time to appreciate them. Don't just thank them in words but show them that what you've done means something to them.

Song of the day : Hero by Enrique Iglasias

This song kind of asks the questions I was asking myself.

Would you cry
If you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?
Quote of the day:

"Love starts within. You must love yourself first before you can give it away to others." 

Songs of the Summer : "That's just how we love; We keep it so hood"

So it's the summer and summer is nothing without a playlist. I am honestly not int touch at all with which songs are in. I can tell you all the K-Love hits, but the other songs pretty much have to come to me. Haven't been up to date on 95.7 lately. These are the songs that have been the soundtrack to my life lately though. They're the perfect way to usher in the summer.

1. I Like It by Sevyn : Most of you have probably never heard of Sevyn. She actually came and opened for T.I.'s opener at sprint center and is really good. She looks up to Aaliyah, and you can tell she kind of hopes to be the next her. She's bringing R&B back the way I love it, so check it out.

2.  Loveeee Song by Rihanna & Future : I love Future. I didn't know anything about him until he also opened for T.I. Then I realized that he sang all the club hits like At the same damn Time and such. The romantic side of him is so much more. His voice is not auto-tuned like so many people think. He really sounds like that. He has this laid back Jamaican vibe. Ciara is a lucky girl.

Memorable lyrics : "I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I need love and affection. L-o-v-e-e-e-e and affection.

3. Girls Love Beyonce by Drake : Everything Drake ever does is good. He is the love of my life. The song is a mash up with Say My Name by Destiny's Child. I loved that song before, and I love it even more now.

Memorable Lyrics: "All my young boys saying get money and f*** these hoes. Where'd we get these values? I do not no what to tell you. I'm just trying to find a reason not to go out every evening..." and No new friends no no no.

4. Dudes Love Jay Z by that one youtube girl : I have a nack for finding new talent. I was one of the many who heard Justin Bieber sing first on youtube. I love what the girl did with the cover, and it was almost a reply to Drake and everything he called out girls for doing. Check it out : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BJ8GNgnElM

Memorable Lyrics : "I don't need no dude that's perfect, I need a dude that's worth it."
                               " They say they don't love hoes, but they do only God Knows"


5. Neva End by Future & Kelly Rowland : *inset second post about my love for future here*

6. Mirrors by Justin Timberlake : J.T. is back with a vengeance. I always had nothing but love for this man, but this song pushed the love I have over the edge. The slow claps never fail to make me smile.

7. Come and Get It by Selena Gomez : The Indian Vibe blows me away every single time. Shout out to my lab group member for telling me about it.

8. Just Give Me a Reason by P!nk ft. Fun. : I haven't heard the song all that much, but every time I hear it I can't help but sing along. Their voices blend perfectly.

9. Stay by Rihanna : Rihanna has a stunning voice and I love when she does slow songs like this and California King Bed. It totally shows off her range and all she can do. Plus it's a great hit to cry too, and we all know it's about Chris. Don't even get me started on their subtweets to each other. Those two aggrevate me almost as much as Kaurruche Tran does.

10. Beautiful by Mariah Carey & Miguel : This duo is epic. The song takes a little while to grow on you, but once it does there's no turning back.

11. Next to Me by Emili Sande : I'm not going to pretend I know anything about this artist or the song. It's just my jam when it coems on the radio. That and number 12...

12. I love it by Icona Pop : You all know it's catchy.

13. The entire Red album by Taylor Swift. She's coming to Kansas City and I'm ready. I don't know all the words yet, but I promsie you all I will. 22's the one on the radio a lot now though. Notice the number I chose to give her.

14. When I was your man by Bruno Mars : This was more of a spring song for me, but I get to expereinece it in concert over the summer so that's why it's on the list.

It took me a lifetime to write this blog. If you have more song suggestions, get at me mis amigos. xxx

"You're so fine I want you mine you're so delicious. I think about you all the time it's so addicting"

My favorite blog game to play is one where I read the posts that you all read. I like to look back at my statistics and read whatever it is you all are reading. I know the Trey Songz experience post and Lil Wayne's baby mama issue post so well I normally skip over those haha. Apperently those posts are my best work. I don't read the posts because I'm extremly self centered and just sit and talk about how great I sound. I read the posts, because they show me how far i've come and how far I still have to go. Today I was playing cards with my brother, and my two little cousins. All three of them were my babies. I remember the days that all three of them were born like it was yesterday. They're all grown up now and entering different phases of their lives. The same phases I was going through before I started writing this blog. It's insane how fast time flies. My first year of college is complete (And I got an A in biology!! I can't even tell you how happy I was about that. Still waiting to hear back on calculus and chemistry). I finished one year and have five years to go. With hope after these five years I would have accomplished a great many things and be where I want to be. The realization that my babies were all grown up made me see myself in a way I hadn't really seen yet. I'm an adult. Their growing into teenagers, and I'm growing into an adult. This is the time where I should be enjoying youth and doing what I can to set up all that I want the next few years to be. As a person of faith, I have no fears of God leading me astray. I cherish the verse "All things come together for good for those who love the lord". It takes a little bit of pressure of me knowing that at the end of the day, it's all going to have a happy ending.

The post I read today was about the super bass feeling I got whenever I see this boy. My heart doesn't skip a beat anymore, but it sure does something. I just can't be myself around him, and I refuse to let my guard down for even one second. I turn into this extremly uptight person with absolutely no idea what they're saying or doing. Dazed and confused. There's a voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough for him. The smart side that listens to all my friends talk about how there are many fish in the sea and blah blah blah blah. It's there and this last year it flourished. I've met some nice boys, gotten a number or two, and really enjoyed the freshman lifestyle clubbing and going to frat parties and such. It's been fun. Was I thinking about him then? No. Am I thinking about him now? Yes. Why? Because life is speeding by and I would hate to see that "save the date wedding invitation" without ever having tried.

But then again, I have tried. I put myself out there, and I'm never humiliating myself again. Looking back at my attempts isn't as sad as it once was to me. At the time I was all dramatic, "I will never love again" about it. I get that the whole thing was childish. The subtweets I put out there for two years after were childish as well. The counter argument to this whole thing is that maybe I hold on to this fantasy from time to time because I know it couldn't happens and it stops me for having to put myself out there and actually trying with other people. Maybe it's my crutch. I know that I'm not ready to watch him marry someone else. I also know that I can't see myself marrying him. Ok, that's a lie. I can imagine it, but I don't think we've had a legitamate conversation in maybe four years. I doubt he's even shoke my hand in that time period either. We have zero contact, but that in itself is weird, because I have contact with pretty much everyone else. At least a little bit. Older younger. There are not many people in this community anyways. The lack of contact must be being done by the effort of one of us. That's irrelevent though. I could debate like this all night long. These are the conversations I have with myself in my mind. Here's the answer I always end up with:

Focus on school, and when that doesn't work I tell myself :

Let him come to you. He has that number. He knows where you live. He's perfectly capable. And if he wants to, he will. But after all this time, we know he won't. (If you're like me, Drake just popped in your head and you thought maybe she won't, but then maybe she will haha) Don't wait for him because time is moving and living in the here and the now is important. Let him find and marry a whore that resembles nanny mcphee and didn't get an A in biology. Amen.

If you're reading this, then I didn't mean that (^). Well I kind of did. I can explain...

Song of the day : Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne

Quote of the day: "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

How do you measure a year in the life?

I've never seen rent, but everyone knows the song. You know, seasons of love?

The song asks :

" In daylights, in sunsets, in midnight's
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life? "

I'm a week away from completing my first year of college. It feels like just started yesterday and couldn't pronounce the names of any of the buildings. My cousin walked me from the parking lot, because I had no idea where I was. I was amazed that the chairs in college are actually comfortable and freaked out a little every time I walked by the basketball players I spent all these years watching on television. Now I can pronounce building names, don't get as awestruck (most of the time), and feel used to the way things have worked out to be. I had no doubt that by the grace of God I would finish this school year well. I didn't expect the 4.0 my first semester (yay!!!), and if you asked me in the beginning of the year if I would understand both chemistry and biology I would have doubted you. All is well at this point, and after all this studying i'm doing I'm sure the finals will be go without a hitch. I'm healthy, didn't get knocked up or incarcerated like a good percentage of other people my age did. I worried a smidgen less then usual and enjoyed the perks of being 18+. I went through the year with all the values I hold dearly still imprinted in my heart and didn't do too many things I wasn't proud of. Even when it wasn't the cool thing to do, I stood by what I know is right. I linked myself up with a Christian group. I may not have been as active as i'd like to be, but I worked on my relationship with God (which was one of my new years resolutions). When I measure all these things, I would call it an incredibly successful year. I am definitely counting my blessings and appreciative of all that my freshman year was. When you hear stories about that girl that was kidnapped for over 10 years and countless sad stories, I realize just how lucky I am to be living the life I am. It wouldn't be me if I didn't find a way to complain though.

Here's the problem. I have just been feeling really down lately. It seems like everyone's dreams are coming true, and I just don't feel that way. The people who wanted to pursue something found a way to make that happen, the people who wanted a boyfriend found one, the people who wanted to get wasted and worry about nothing did, and then there's me. I honestly don't even know what I wanted. It's really hard to feel content when you had no idea what you wanted int he first place. I spent my year pursuing grades and money to keep me in school (and get my nails done). I had 7:30 am to 7 days pretty much Monday through Friday and didn't really have time to pursue anything other then studies, work, and Braxton Family Values (my reality television life never had to suffer). That didn't leave much time for meeting people, partying, or any of the other things that other people got to do.

I know you should never compare yourself to other people, but I can't help but be down. What did they do that I didn't? How did they achieve all of their dreams and some of mine, while I didn't? Is it because I'm shy? Did I work more then I should? Is all of that not in the cards for me? Am I not rich enough or smart enough? I can't help but wonder what I didn't do and weather or not anything could have been done differently. One of my favorite twitter accounts is @tomyfuturehusband. At first, I liked the account because of my love for weddings and all the dress pictures and such she posted on there. Then I fell in love with the messages she sent out, because she wanted the same things in a future husband that I did. Then it was the scripture she posted and inspiring quotes. Whoever runs the account is a virtual role model of sorts to me. She always tells people to pray for patience. I had never thought about the concept before her, but not that's just what I'm going to do. I will work on my patience and become a person worthy the dreams that live in the silence of my heart and the ones that I don't even know about yet. Not worthy by losing weight, and being more "free". But by continuing to be a person I'm proud of and doing all that I can to be a good human being. To be a good daughter, sister, and friend. With patience and the good karma points I will save up, hopefully the dreams known and unknown to me will come true as well. I can have that moment that everyone in my life seems to have had. Until then, I'm throwing a pity party. No one can come of course, because they're too busy celebrating the fact that they got everything they wanted. Maybe i'm just a little bitter. I'll work on it!

Song of the day : Seasons of Love

Quote of the day : "Our patience will achieve more than our force."
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_patience.html#ElQtlSF5a3I44mYo.99