"It's Got Mountains; It's Got Rivers; It's Got Sights That Give You Shivers, but it sure would be prettier with you"

Having family in another country is a really difficult thing. Maybe those of you with family in different states feel the same way, but it can't be that bad. As I've mentioned multiple times this summer in this blog, I have family literally everywhere. Those who are in different states here in the U.S. I've been closer to, because every few years I get to see them and be with them. The reconnecting happens. With my family that lives in Great Brittan or Africa, it had been 9 years since I had seen most of them. The recent passing of my cousin was an overall difficult experience. She made me realize (among many other things) that blood is much thicker then water. I really hurt for her and still am hurting for her. The song If I Die Young found itself to me, and it makes me think of her. That and When I'm gone. Through all of what happened though, I couldn't help but wonder if she would of felt bad if things were reversed.

I loved my cousin, but like most of my other foreign cousins it's not like we really spent lots of hours having long conversations. I couldn't tell you her favorite color, or what her first day of high school was like. Since we normally see each other for a 3 or four week period at most you never really get close enough to talk about the really juicy stuff. But after her passing, I just felt a much stronger connection to the cousins that I have left. But my stronger connection made me realize that it may be one way. I don't think they really feel it that much. The ones in Africa are each others best friends. We have such a big family that it really isn't necessary to have friends outside our little family circle. There are boys and girls for each age group and they all love each other like brothers and sisters. It's stuff like that I wish I could be a part of. I do have some cousins that are best friends here in the U.S. , but there's only like two of us at a time. It's not the same.

My cousin who passed away and her little sister were always the relatives that showed me the most love. From when I was a little girl to just last year, they always cared for me. The younger one is closer to my age, so in the past we had a lot of good times together. This time...I didn't see her. She didn't really come visit me and we didn't reconnect until the wedding happened. None of my cousins came to visit me. I can't blame them. They don't know me. We're strangers. The one I give the most credit too is my little niece. I love that little girl. She's 13 and would come visit me or want to hang out all the time. She would tell me about her dreams and what she wants to be when she grows up. How much her brother annoyed her. All the regular teenage girl stuff, and I loved being able to be an aunt to her. Unfortunately, it's hard to keep the connection as strong when someone's so far away. If I see cute dresses in her size and I have the cash, I always try and get one to send to her. She texted me recently as sweet as ever and that made me day, but it also made me sad. It could be another 10 years before I see her. I was already so surprised at how grown up she was. Imagine how she'll be after 10 years?

From the way I'm talking you can see that I'm ripped in half. Part of me feels like a connection with my relatives is impossible, because I'm so far away. I went all the way over there and most of them showed no interest in me..so that settles it? Right? Wrong. Because I do love them. It terrifies me that one day I'll get have children and they won't know their relatives or any of my family members. Then generations will come and it'll be like we don't even have any family far away anymore. I'm starting to think thats the unfortunate fate, but we'll see what happens.

song of the day : When I'm Gone (cup song) by Pitch Perfect

quote of the day : “You don't know how much you really miss someone until you see them again.” - Steven Monaco