"Just gonna stand there and watch me cry? That's alright because I love the way you lie"

I write to you with a heavy heart, but don't be scared or worried. Everything is okay. I just have that heavy heart feeling. I've had it since last night. I haven't been sad in a long time. I'm surrounded every day of my life with the joy of the lord. I'm normally a naturally happy person and little things rarely get me down, because I know I'm blessed. I have my health, my family, my home, my city, my friends, and all the different communities I'm a part of. I'm surrounded by so much awesomenesss that it feels selfish to every be down. But it happens, and it happened. Being young adult is hard. Not in the same way being an adult is though. I don't have the stress of making a marriage work or raising a child at this point in my life. It's a different kind of social stress. I'm at the age where all anyone wants to do is have fun. Am I fun hater? No. My idea of fun is traveling to the beach area, going to concerts, having conversations about nothing and everything for hours, dancing in a club setting. Thats fun to me.

I don't feel the need to be under the influence of anything to have fun. I can tell you that there are few people with the same view point. I don't drink. I don't smoke. anything. I would say it's because it's illegal, but that's not the main reason I don't do it. There's the health side of me who knows that life is a precious gift. So many are fighting day and night to hang on to their lives, for one more day, one more second. For me to have the opportunity and choose to take in toxins by choice is unthinkable. The second reason is by nature, I'm a picky person. I don't like candy of any kind, or chocolate bars of any kind. I have drunk nothing but water, milk, and tea for the last four years. It's not even for dieting purposes or anything I just don't like the taste of a lot of other juices and such.  I don't mind anyone who choses to do that. It's your life and your choice. I have made mine, but it sure does make fitting in a lot harder.

I'm lucky to have friends that didn't want to abandon me for the choices I'm making. A lot of other people would. The problem is making other friends and meeting guys. The fact that I don't drink or smoke makes me boring. They all give you the bummer look when you turn down a drink or the smoke. Girls like me don't win at this age and I guess you can say I'm getting tired of losing. I know in the long run when people need liver and lung transplants and are paying for their glory days I'll appreciate the choices I'm making now. I always believed that if you try to be the best person you can be, good things will come to you. Today's just one of those days where I lost that belief. The road less traveled on is a hard one to take. Especially when you're alone.

Do I think about giving in to the ways of society? Sometimes. It's a different age. What you're like in person matters a lot less then how active your twitter and instagram are. I just don't have the time to take pictures of myself all day every day. The selfie thing is difficult, and I can really only take them from one main angle. Plus it just seems silly to me. You see the people after all the filters they put themselves through and anyone who's seen them in person knows they never look like that. Who are you fooling?

And then on top of everything else someone I trusted as always having my back turned on me. I could care less about the act, but the fact that it was a friend makes everything that much worse.

I would tell you the whole story, but as a wise person on facebook said "Maturity is wanting to post an emotional, angsty status on facebook and restraining yourself. I stuck to my old mechanisms of feeling better and wrote a song. It goes like this. "Nicolas Sparks lied/My dreams of Noah and Allie died when you picked her instead. Why am I not surprised?/ The wrong cinderella fit in the shoe/She got the prince and the palace too/and I'm still hear alone (then the little Ingrid Michaelson harmonies go alone..on my own in the background)". It makes a lot more sense in my head.

Song of the day : Nicholas Sparks Lied

Quote of the day : “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”