"You're so fine I want you mine you're so delicious. I think about you all the time it's so addicting"

My favorite blog game to play is one where I read the posts that you all read. I like to look back at my statistics and read whatever it is you all are reading. I know the Trey Songz experience post and Lil Wayne's baby mama issue post so well I normally skip over those haha. Apperently those posts are my best work. I don't read the posts because I'm extremly self centered and just sit and talk about how great I sound. I read the posts, because they show me how far i've come and how far I still have to go. Today I was playing cards with my brother, and my two little cousins. All three of them were my babies. I remember the days that all three of them were born like it was yesterday. They're all grown up now and entering different phases of their lives. The same phases I was going through before I started writing this blog. It's insane how fast time flies. My first year of college is complete (And I got an A in biology!! I can't even tell you how happy I was about that. Still waiting to hear back on calculus and chemistry). I finished one year and have five years to go. With hope after these five years I would have accomplished a great many things and be where I want to be. The realization that my babies were all grown up made me see myself in a way I hadn't really seen yet. I'm an adult. Their growing into teenagers, and I'm growing into an adult. This is the time where I should be enjoying youth and doing what I can to set up all that I want the next few years to be. As a person of faith, I have no fears of God leading me astray. I cherish the verse "All things come together for good for those who love the lord". It takes a little bit of pressure of me knowing that at the end of the day, it's all going to have a happy ending.

The post I read today was about the super bass feeling I got whenever I see this boy. My heart doesn't skip a beat anymore, but it sure does something. I just can't be myself around him, and I refuse to let my guard down for even one second. I turn into this extremly uptight person with absolutely no idea what they're saying or doing. Dazed and confused. There's a voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough for him. The smart side that listens to all my friends talk about how there are many fish in the sea and blah blah blah blah. It's there and this last year it flourished. I've met some nice boys, gotten a number or two, and really enjoyed the freshman lifestyle clubbing and going to frat parties and such. It's been fun. Was I thinking about him then? No. Am I thinking about him now? Yes. Why? Because life is speeding by and I would hate to see that "save the date wedding invitation" without ever having tried.

But then again, I have tried. I put myself out there, and I'm never humiliating myself again. Looking back at my attempts isn't as sad as it once was to me. At the time I was all dramatic, "I will never love again" about it. I get that the whole thing was childish. The subtweets I put out there for two years after were childish as well. The counter argument to this whole thing is that maybe I hold on to this fantasy from time to time because I know it couldn't happens and it stops me for having to put myself out there and actually trying with other people. Maybe it's my crutch. I know that I'm not ready to watch him marry someone else. I also know that I can't see myself marrying him. Ok, that's a lie. I can imagine it, but I don't think we've had a legitamate conversation in maybe four years. I doubt he's even shoke my hand in that time period either. We have zero contact, but that in itself is weird, because I have contact with pretty much everyone else. At least a little bit. Older younger. There are not many people in this community anyways. The lack of contact must be being done by the effort of one of us. That's irrelevent though. I could debate like this all night long. These are the conversations I have with myself in my mind. Here's the answer I always end up with:

Focus on school, and when that doesn't work I tell myself :

Let him come to you. He has that number. He knows where you live. He's perfectly capable. And if he wants to, he will. But after all this time, we know he won't. (If you're like me, Drake just popped in your head and you thought maybe she won't, but then maybe she will haha) Don't wait for him because time is moving and living in the here and the now is important. Let him find and marry a whore that resembles nanny mcphee and didn't get an A in biology. Amen.

If you're reading this, then I didn't mean that (^). Well I kind of did. I can explain...

Song of the day : Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne

Quote of the day: "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."