Praying But I Think I'm Still An Angel Away

Today I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. This whole "finding yourself" thing is not as easy as it sounds. Here I am, a sophomore in college still uncomfortable in my own skin. Would I call myself insecure? No. I don't have a problem with how I look. That's never been it. I'm more insecure about my personality. For some reason, ever since I started elementary school I've felt like I have to sort of be a different version of myself. At home I'm kind of loud and crazy, but in public I'm just reserved. It might be faking, but I'm so used to it I don't even have to think about it anymore. I just automatically become more reserved. Taking African studies classes and such have allowed me to be more open about the African side of myself. I have a huge appreciation for where my ancestors are from now then I did before. But it's still difficult.

I just don't completely fit in anywhere. I joined a new choir in attempts to get more involved in campus ministry and meet friends. When I get to the practice, we're discussing a vision and the whole conversation is about "outsiders" and "insiders" also known as those who know God and those who don't. To me there are no outsiders and insiders. We are all people loved by God weather we know it or not. Just because I'm in church every Sunday doesn't mean there's someone out there who has never seen a church in their life with purer intentions and a loving spirit for all. We also talk about "secular" things. Secular means non-christian. Maybe I haven't become the best christian I can be, but I still listen to songs by non-christian artists and music that isn't necessarily just made for the purpose of praising God. Being honest and revealing these things led to them looking at me like an "unsaved person". They basically gave me the look that says it all. You're not one of us.

Alright, so I don't fit in with the church people. That's ok. Lately, I've been involving myself in more African American activities. I'm a black woman and proud of that fact. It comes with challenges, but I wouldn't want to be anybody else. I grew up in a suburban neighborhood where a majority of the people were Caucasian. I was not raised to discriminate and some of the best, truest friends I have were Caucasian, Hispanic, Arabic, and different from myself. Not everyone had those kind of diverse friendships. This makes them more hesitant in college. One thing I've noticed is there aren't many interracial couples on ku campus, and out of the few there are it's never a Caucasian male with a black girl. Basically what I'm saying is I've given up on that as a possibility. They see the whole thing as "jungle fever", and I don't want to be referred to as jungle anything. I'm a human being and if you would refer to the love that you and I have as something "wild" and out there, then I don't see it happening or lasting. So I'm stuck in this dilemma of trying to hit it off with the black people I've been grouped with (and love. Don't get me wrong) when I've grown up with white people. The whole thing is quite different.

I've gone to a lot of different events. Parties and student unions, but I just don't seem to hit it off with them. I don't listen to the right artists or know any of the slang that's used. I just come off as dorky without even saying anything. The group at this university are loud and outgoing. I don't feel like there's a place for a shy, quiet person like me. No one really approaches me in these situations. They go after the people that are loud and not scared to make their opinions known. The people who have the same interests as they do. Can't even blame anyone. That's just how it is. It puts me in a weird position, because I don't fit in with either crowd. Or really anyone. I'm just by myself on a deserted island trying to stay afloat.

I have a little crush on this boy, but honestly I'm kind of scared to meet him. When we meet he won't like me, then it'll be over. I know that's a stupid way to think and you never know if you don't try. That's just the way it is. So here I am back at square one. Forever alone, cold, and confused. Waiting for things to look up. Where do I go from here? If I knew I would be doing it, instead of sorting out my thoughts with you all once again.

song of the day: Fly by Nicki Minaj

quote of the day: I am not a word. I am not a line. I am not a girl that could ever be defined.