"Because I've kept my heart under control/But latley all this time has taken its toll/I tried too but I can't hold back what's deep in my soul"

Heyy!
So I have been holding things in my whole life. There are a million things I wanted to say that I didn't, some because it wasen't polite but others because I was scared. I've said a lot of those things I held in over the last few years but the one thing I want to say the most I still haven't said. The longer I hold it in the more I just want to say something, but I'm still scared. The reaction to what I want to say is what scares me, scares me out of my mind. Because that reaction could possibly make me feel bad about myself again. It could make all this progress i've been making of being a fearless girl disappear and I'm worried about that.

Part of what was making me be unfearless was that I guess, I always thought I wasen't good enough for a lot of different things. But suddenly it came to me that no ones perfect. And that if some guy was looking for the perfect person, or parents were looking for the perfect daughter they were bound for disappointment. I still think that people should try their hardest to be the best person they can be, me included. Why be something short of what your capable of being. I guess the little piece thats stopping me from being fully fearless is still there. I know what it is and I think about it a lot. I wonder, soon i'll be out of high school. I don't have much time, but I want Prince to really get to know me. That way I would know that if something were to not work out it was truly because he didn't like something about me not just that he didn't know me.

I guess I'm one those girls who builds a wall around themselves just to see who cares enough to over come it. Lets just say I'm still waiting for someone to care enough, sometimes I wonder if anyone ever will. It makes me kind of scared. But then I think its selfish of me to want someone else to climb my wall when i've never consciously tried to climb someone else's. I really have tried to reach out past my wall though. Multiple times its ended in not so great feelings. I don't want to feel sad. I guess i'd rather avoid potential happiness, and just be content instead of being hurt. But the thing with this is that there's a chance, i'm not sure how small or big that I could end up happy. That makes me want to send a text message right now...we'll see what happens.


song of the day: Under control by Parachute (if this blog made 0 sense to you go listen to that song, they'll be singing the words of what i'm feeling right now"

quote of the day: Sometimes we build walls around ourselves to see who cares enough to climb over them