I promised you all honesty in this blog so here's a part I've never shared with you. I was too scared of sounding vain or like bragging but I ended up looking like a I am not appriciative. I love my life! God has trulry been good to me. I'm typing this blog on an iPhone 4, this phone came out like a month ago and I have it. I have tickets to see Usher and B.o.b! I love them both and everyone thinks they know music but seeing it live gives you a whole different feel. I'm healthy, and so is my family. I have parents who love me very much. I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life. I hope they continue, because I know life can be hard.

What really bugs me though is when people try and make me feel like I don't deserve the life I have. First of all unless you are Jesus Christ himself, you can't judge me because you too are flawed! And secondly, I do my best to be a good child. I work hard in school. I don't do drugs or alchol and never will (health is a blessing that shouldn't be taken for granted for simple pleasures). I too make mistakes sometimes but everyone does.

If this makes me sound vain or spoiled then your judging me. The whole point of this blog was to say that I am appreciative of the life God and my parents have given me. I've got an awesome little brother, good friends. The material items are just a cherry on top. I'm a happy girl.

Goodnight!

"I got the magic in me/everytime I touch a track it turns into gold/everybody wants some presto magic magic magic"

Hey blog!
I missed writing on here. I've been spending a lot of my time with family latly and it's been nice. This last weekend I watched the movies Death at a Funeral and Easy A. They were both good ones. They both made me laugh so much. Entertainment is great, especially with family because you find out that they also talk during movies with you! I guess you can say I just missed being around my extended family. We're having a ton of good times and it's reminding me of when I lived in maryland and these good times were every day. Family is a good thing, because let me tell you something. When no one else out there loves you, your family will. No matter what kind of family you have its true. Family is a blessing and I appreciate it more and more.

School has been pretty ok for me lately. I'm doing pretty good grade wise. Physics isn't as hard as it used to be. Its homecoming week at school so thats pretty exciting. We get to vote tomorrow on homecoming queen and king! I'm most excited for the homecoming dance! I love to dance. But I'm a little worried about this one. I heard that the d.j. is someone that goes to school and he plans on playing mostly tech-no music :/ . I like techno but when I feel like really dancing, I need some hip hop. Thats what I can dance too best. When they play tech-no at school everyone just jumps up and down and as good of exercise as that is, I prefer actually dancing. If I had started dance lessons at a young age I would so be in dance right now. But at this age, I don't have the body for it. I'm not flexible enough to really do it. You guys just learned one of my secret dreams. Aren't you excited about that?

Lately i've had a laid back open attitude about everything and I guess it shows. People who I wasn't as close too have been talking to me and its nice. I guess I've checked into reality. Before, if you were part of my little dream world you basically had an easy way out. Every one who was part of that fantasy could basically make me feel bad at times because they were a "prince" or a "friend". Not anymore, now if you do something to hurt me i'm not going to put up with it because I don't have too. I guess I figured out if I'm wrong (don't think so right now but maybe), If A. isn't the one for me, or he just plain doesn't like me I won't be heart broken. This is good news. If you asked my a year ago what I would do if he said "I'm not into you" the answer would have been cry for days. Not anymore, and its not because I think he is any less special or something along those lines. He's still adorable and the perfect prince but I guess I have confidence and figured out what I'm worth now. There are 3 billion other boys in the world, I'm sure i'll get my happy ending with one of them.

Well i'm off to watch One Tree Hill now!

song of the day: Magic by b.o.b (I HAVE TICKETS TO THE CONCERT! YAY!)

quote of the day: Memory is an abstract painting. It does not present things as they are, but rather, as they feel.

"I saw you w/your new girl just yesterday and I feel that I must confess/Even though it kills me to have to say i'll admit that I was impressed"

Hey everybody!
I just saw the weirdest show i've ever seen on television. They've been talking about it on peoples magazine for awhile so I was curious and watching it with my cousin and my aunts. The show is called Sister Wives. Its about polygamists. Thats a big word but in simple terms its about a man with 3 wives (engaged to another) and 12 kids, one of the way. One of the wives has one child. One has 6. And another has 5 with one on the way. All of the kids were born after they were all married to the father so this is how they grew up. The mothers think of themselves as sisters, and all act as wives (hes romantic with all three). Two of the moms work, and one is a stay at home mom "the nurturing one". Thats also the mom thats pregnant, the third one.

Heres my problem, if I were one of those wives i'd be one hell of a jealous women. First of all some of them are younger and skinnier and others. And second, imagine being the one with only one kid. Wouldn't you be jealous you didn't get as many as the others? She mentioned that on the show. They all said they don't mind when he goes on date with one and not the other. This man has a schedule. He goes out with certain ones on certain nights. I don't want to be part of someone's schedule? That lifestyle is just not for me. I want to be a princess, whoever I better end up marrying better believe it. I want to be something special, a single rose, not one of many roses. Because wheres the beauty in that? When you have a lot of something you forget how special it is. I'm don't believe in one woman being married to many men either. ESPECIALLY, this day in age. there are so many std's its just plain disgusting. This family works out ok, but i'm feeling like all these women are just settling. They shouldn't have to just "settle", they should get what they deserve as women. But thats just my view on the whole thing. What's yours? I'm curious.

song of the day: Walk away by Paula Deanda (classic jealous girl song, a.k.a. i'm better then her. If I were a sister wife that would be my ringtone).

quote of the day:We'll fight, we'll scream, we'll cry. We'll ignore each other, annoy each other, we might even throw things around. But that doesn't mean it's the end. You'll teach me, I'll teach you. You'll be there to hold my hand through everything. I'll hold your hand too. We'll grow stronger, Together.

So there's one more this about this Church Youth Event I want to share. Yes, I understand some of you are atheist and all kinds of different religions but just here this one out.

Do any of you readers like Lady Gaga? Come on you've all had to have jammed out to Bad Romance at least once. Yes, I understand she is controversial and the meat dress was out of this world but anyways. You want to know who's like Lady Gaga? Nope i'm not thinking of Madonna. I'm thinking about Jesus. Are you laughing? Well i'm serious. The Youth leader at church brought it up and it made all the sense in the world.

No, I'm not saying the jesus was gay, or that he wore little leotards everywhere. But both Jesus and Lady Gaga fight for the same people. They fight for the little people, Lady Gaga calls them the little monster, and Jesus calls them christians. They both fight for people who feel like they don't belong, the outsiders. The people who alone seem to be nothing at all but when you put them together, they create something out of this world amazing. Lady Gaga's little monsters break record sales, and christians do as we are told in the bible. When Jesus was around people thought he was a little weird too, everyone was like how can that guy think hes the son of God? When Lady Gaga was in school everyone thought she was weird. They both showed the world something completely different. I personally think Jesus one ups lady gaga but theres a different look at things. It really clicked with me, but my aunts said it was foolish to compare someone so great to Lady Gaga. Everyone has their opinions but its a cool way to think of things

song of the day: Bad Romance

"But what they dont know is when you get home/And get behind close doors/Man you hit the floor/It's the God in me"

On Saturday and Sunday I had a pretty magical experience that I would share with you. For the record, anytime something that changes me or really makes me feel something happens I try and share it with you. On Saturday I went to a Youth Event at my church with my cousin. We had a pretty good time. We did manicures and they had all these stickers and things you can put on them. My nails are light purple with white flowers, their adorable. Then we had some blow up stuff. I only went once on the obstacle course against a friend of mine, M. It was too fun! It was raining and I couldn't stop laughing. We sang praise and worship songs and I was in a room full of people who love God. Do you know how amazing that is? In todays society everywhere you look there are athiest people who don't believe in anything. I do not understand how they live. Yes some of them are nice people but without God what exactly do you have to live for? If we came from monkeys then why don't we just treat our fellow human being just like we treat monkeys? Nothing more then an animal. Thats just my personal thought.

Anyways, I wanted to let you all know that it is really easy to see the difference between a person who believes in God and one that dosen't. Normally, people who don't believe tend to be confuzed about their lives, they frown a lot more then they smile, and they say no need to do kind things to others. Normally their the people that let the door slam in your face and stuff. Its not always the case, but sometimes its relevant. Yes I understand that people with religion do this too. Anyways there was no door to face action happening at the youth event. Everyone was different and nice to each other. Not everyone was an aneroxic highly made up face. There was different color, shape, and sizes there. But you coulden't see a difference in them because they all believed and had a faith that took over their whole being. It. Was. Awesome.

Sunday morning, at the church service was the magical part. Never have I felt more strongly that God is there then I did at that moment. I felt it. In my heart and in my whole baby as we were singing Mighty to Save. It made tears come in my eyes, not sad tears but happy tears because I was part of something truly amazing! To some of you this may be a bunch of crap, but to me it was a powerful moment. Think what you want but I'm an Episcopalian christian and proud.

song of the day: Might to Save and God in Me by Mary Mary

quote of the day:Do not give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying

Dear Blog,
I feel unloveable. I'm finding it hard to love myself, no wonder no one loves me.....

P.s. Don't ask, just know life is hard. Even for me. I keep waiting for an easy day where everything falls in place but it hasn't come. They say ,"we can't wait for the storm to end, we must learn to dance in the rain". It's so true,but I'm soaked right now.

"Like i'm the only one you'll ever love/Like I'm the only one who knows your heart/Like I'm the only girl in the world"

Hey! So today I went to Can We Talk. It was really cool. We learn about a lot of things I'd never thought about that I'm going to share. We started with more information about the Willie Lynch letter. For those who don't know, this letter is from a slave master to other slave masters trying to divide their African slaves. They divide them by having children with some so it's brown again black, nappy hair against smooth excreta excreta. But another thing that was the goal has to do with African American women. He told other masters that they need to defy nature and make African American women the string force in the home and making the men weak. I think this letter might have to do with why only 1/4 African American males will graduate. The sayings people say about Black women "they sleep with one fist closed" and why their so angry has to do with lynches ideas. 2012 will be 300 years since he wrote the letter and people of African decent are still divided.

Going back to the nappy hair vs. Smooth hair. A majority of African American women have a relaxer. For those who don't know a relaxer is a strait perm that makes hair look more like lighter skinned people. There's a documentary about it called good hair. One of the Can We Talk leaders brought up how we always see Beyonce on t.v. Because she keeps getting lighter and has the blond hair. We never see Eryka Badu who's dark and has no relaxer in her hair. After he says this one guy in the back turns to another guy and says who would you rather have? They all go Beyonce super loud. Part of the reason girls have relaxers is because guys don't like natural. It's amazing how hair affects a society. The teacher called the guy out though.

Last thing is imagine yourself in Walmart. Your walking upwards the hair product aisle. There's all kinds of shampoos and hair gels all over the place. You walk towards the back and it's a little row of the same brand of products. According to a white boy in Can we Talks thats the "black girls section". I never even took time to notice that for every 20 products other people can use on their hair theres only 1 product for african or african american girls. Its sad isen't it! Had you guys noticed it before?

song of the day: Only Girl (in the world) - Rihanna

quote of the day:You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.

"Got me like Oh my gosh/ I'm so in love/I found you finally/ you make want to say oh oh oh my god"

Hey!
Want to know my new goal? My new goal is to be more clear. As in get across what I really feel and what I'm really thinking at the time. I have a problem with this, I'm not very clear. Normally its because im in a shady area where I could go either way. But I need to figure out what I really want and how to get that message across to others clearly. When it comes to how I feel about :) , well seventeen magazine has the best advice. Other feelings toward people should be easier in comparison but its not for me. I worry too much about hurting other peoples feelings or saying something thats not politically correct and it causes me problems because then I really want to say something and I don't. Anyways speaking of politically correct.....

Today we had an interesting english assigment. It could really be interpreted however you wanted it to be and me and my partners were about Dreams. Anyways two groups in our class did something different, they did gayness. To be politically correct I think its homosexuality. Anyways I thought it was just inapropriate for school. They started meantioning things happening under the rain and used a bad word. It just sucked in general. The whole room was quiet and it got awkward. Then one of the groups kept repeating "we're not lesbian, we're not lesbian" and of course me and probably everyone else started thinking they really were. It was totally inappropriate and it looked like the teacher was about to cry or something (making everyone think she wasen't strait either). It was just SUPER weird. Everyone liked me and L's little dream thing though :)

I have the BEST NEWS EVER! Ok so it may not be the best news of all time but its pretty super fantastic awesome news. Usher AND Trey Songz are coming to Kansas City. I am screaming, are you screaming? First of all those are two of the HOTTEST men in the world. Ushers a little old for me, but hope is still alive for Trey Songz, lol. I'm just joking as cute as he is my hearts already been stolen. But thats off track, the point is if gods willing i'm gonna get tickets friday. It should be one amazing weekend because thursday = thanksgiving friday = black friday (a.k.a. Shop till you drop, saturday= Two amazing hott artists performing at sprint center. One for me and my friend olivia. I'm so excited! There is a little sad news though, I won't be able to go to carrie underwood. But you know thats ok becuase its USHER!

song of the day: OMG - Usher & I love rihannas new hit "Only Girl (in the world)

quote of the day: This is from the V.M.A.'s. After Bieber performed Chelsea from Chelsea Latley goes "Isen't Justin Bieber so good, hes great, Imagine how good he'll be once he sees a vagina"

Some more chelsea handler quotes include:
"At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer."

"I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around."


"I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture.

At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, “When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?”

VMA's "Just gonna stand there and hear me cry/Thats alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie"

The MTV video music awards were AMAZING! I want to keep it kind of short though because I know I could talk about them forever. The show was opened by Eminmem singing not afriad (I love Eminem, hes awesome and he sang my two favorites by him). After Not afraid Rihanna made a suprise appearence (!!!), she looked beautiful by the way, she was rockin the red extensions and sang her little heart out. Eminem won an award, rihanna didn't. The only bummer about rihanna being there is the fact that Chris brown coulden't be there. Usher had a jaw dropping performance (didn't win any awards though), but he danced and reminded me of usher back in the day when he was singing "yeah" and "Burn". He really danced! And then mini adorable Usher, Justin Bieber sang his heart out too. His was really cute, I mean his smile is cute on its own. Ushers the sexier blacker version of J.B. Drake, love him too but not as much as I used too. He sang well with Mary J. Blige, the performance was kinda awkward seeing as its sort of a love song (rap style)and Mary J.'s a million years old. Lincoln Park a.k.a. losers bored me with their performance.

Chelsea Handler was the host and I expected some really funny jokes. Naw, instead she was just lame. But, she brought out the cast of Jersey Shore and I finally understood the whole "we have a situation" thing. Snooki came poofless though! Weird huh? Then Lady Gaga won the most awards of the night. I never know what to say, about her outfits. She looked unique. Kinda pretty in an unusual way but when it comes to singing she kills it. She didn't perform but she gave us a little sneak peak from her new album which she said would be called "born this way" (is it just me or are you tired about gay rights politics being brought into music? Music and politics should be two different things). None the less i'm a little monster and was glad she won the most awards.

Taylor Swift, I'm your biggest fan. If only she knew. Last night she came out barefoot (for good luck?) and sang a brand new song called innocent. It was kind of obviously directed at Kanye West but it was in a very classy manner. She talked about starting over and how your past isen't what you are now. She basically sang I forgive you. It was brave of her to even sing seeing as there was all this buzz about the song he wrote from her.

I HATE KANYE WEST! I need a shirt that says it I hate him so much. He tells the media he wrote a "beautiful" song for taylor swift. He comes out with a song saying "heres a toast to all the dushbags and the ass holes". Its like hes saying, I'm toasting my mistakes and don't even care if I heart a poor sweet 19 year olds feelings. Never agian will I buy any music Kanye West. What he did was wrong. I felt terrible for T. Swift. Thank goodness she didn't stay to hear him. You all should youtube his song, it was terrible.

song of the day: Innocent by Taylor Swift

quote of the day:"It's okay, life is a tough crowd. 32 is still growing up now." - Taylor Swift (snubb at Kanye West)

"Let's have a toast for the douchebags." - Kanye West (if I was taylor swift btw, I would walk up to him and pour a drink on his head and be like "f u loser! I sold a bazillion more albums then you and sold out the Staple Center in 12 seconds. So whos better me or you?"

"Oh you know, you know, you know I'd never ask you to change/If perfects what your looking for then just stay the same"

Hey everyone!
Guess what? I'm in a pretty good mood. The confusion has ended for me around 9 this mornng. I think it has to do with the fact I finally got someone to talk too about it! It wasen't even a long lecture, I bet some of my friends were avoiding. I just meantioned my weekend and while telling a story just started smiling inside and out. Thats when I realize that I shoulden't let go of Prince. Or at least conciously be like "I'm getting over it/I'm getting over it". Weather he knows it or not, or wheather he cares or not he puts a smile on my face without even trying. That means something to me and I hope that I do the same. I'll make more of an effort because I owe way to many smiles to him.

Ahh, now i'm all in a day dreamy mushy mode. All smiley all the time and everything. Oh my goodness. I could just burst in giggles at any second. I won't spoil your day with my mushyness...but...oh he makes me smile!

On another note, something exciting happened in choir. We were practicing our sightsinging and the choir teacher kept starring at me. I figured maybe my hair was messed up or something and just moved on. Then its time and Ms. morton calls on me to sing the 1st line by myself followed by two other girls singing the other two lines. My heart was beating kind of fast, but I sang and did well! I stayed on key the whole time and the choir teacher didn't have to help me at all. The other two girls both had to have a ton of help. They made me look even better! I was really proud of myself. YAY!

song of the day: Just the way you are by Bruno Mars (I know your gettin tired of this song but I LOVE IT! I wish it was about me and some of the lyrics describe how I feel about someone)

quote of the day:“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” - Judy Garland

"i can't think of a song so i'm just writting this"

Hey,
I'm still confused. Very confused. I need to figure out what I really truly want and how to get it. I've had the same problem for 3 years and I still haven't found the answer. I've prayed about it countless times, not since the beginning though. For some reason it took a tyler perry movie for me to pray about it. In the movie they said something like if you really care about something or someone then you pray about it more then you pray for yourself or selfish things. So I did try that but I still haven't found my answer. Its cool because i'll be patient. I just don't want to waste time on something that won't move or go. Maybe I just over think things and it gets me into trouble.

I went to my first girl scout thing today. I had a really good time. It felt good not to actually have to fake having fun and to be doing something to help hidden valley. It just feels good to be a girl scout again. Only one person whos not new actually showed up but some friends were there. It was some pretty good times. Theres a lot of fun things planned for the year so i'll keep you updated on how that goes.

I have a lot of homework to do today that I REALLY don't want to do. Math gives me a headache. This has definatly been the fastest weekend ever. Friday seems like just a few minutes ago, saturday feels like 3 minutes and the fact that its sunday is just amazng. Time moves so fast! wow!

song of the day: unkonwn for now, you know i'm confused when i can't think of a song

"Every rose has its thorn/Just like every night has its dawn/Just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song"

Hey,
so as every day passes by I start to wonder more and more about my well planned little fairytale. The dreams that I supposedly want to become a reality. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I need a new dream. This really has nothing to do with school or anything I still want to become a pharmasist but other imaginations i've had for the future. I'm just starting to think that maybe the Prince thing is just not happening now or ever. Nothing against him, hes this super cute guy, whos sweet. I like him. As a person too hes just perfect but reality of the situation is we don't talk. how on earth could a person end up with someone that they don't talk too. I'm partly to blame but it takes two to tango. And when no one is even walking towards the dance floor its pretty dumb to think that anyone is going to tango now or ever. Does that make sense? I'm starting to think that maybe I need to try to move on to someone else, that seems like more of an option. Someone closer, who talks to me.

I don't have anyone in mind right now, but prince has the african factor. I like that he has that, I like afrian boys that aren't really 100% african. Like the americanized. Its not just the fact that hes african that I like though. I always got a good vibe from him but how long should someone hang on to a good vibe? Should I maybe make an effort to really talk and stuff just to see and if it dosen't go well let go. I guess i've just really really really really really needed to talk to someone about the whole thing. My heart still beats fast when he comes up though, should I just ignore it? Is it the dumbest thing ever to believe that I could have a chance with him? If it is I don't mind I just want to know. I have no one to talk to about it though which is upsetting because i'm left to debate different ideas on my own and what I really need is advice.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just be like, hey prince: I like you, your a cool guy and I just feel something for you. Do you like me or even know me? Its cool if you don't i'm just kind of curious. I don't think its nessecary to do that though. I'm thinking that if someones into you their into you and if their not their not.If I were to let go right this minute it woulden't affect him like at all, not even half as much as it would be different to me. That means something dosen't it? That means I should let go.

Letting it go will be differnt. It will change the daydreams and stuff i've had for the last like 4 years at least. I've liked him for that long! Can you believe it? Your all probably thinking man you should have been over that like 3 and a half years ago. Thats what i'm starting to think too. Being over him does not mean i'll hate him or think hes any less cute or wonderful of a person. Hes the perfect man but maybe I don't deserve him yet. And maybe the perfect man needs the perfect girl. I have imperfections, I'm not perfect. I can't say I wont be sad when he ends up with some drop dead goreous, nice girl. I can't say I wont hate her either. Seeing him happy? I'd love that, i'd love it even more if I was the one making him happy. I just don't want to say I didn't fight for him, or try hard enough for him. Hes such a good guy........ I'm just really confuzed. I tried to talk about it but it didn't come out the way I wanted it too and I just got more confuzed.

I also started to wonder if the heart beating fast has something to do with love. What if I fell in love with him at first sight and wont ever feel this way again? What if cupid has shot his arrow at me, but my arrow wasen't shot at him? Does cupid make mistakes? Do I love him? I said love not in love. It takes two to be in love, i'm pretty sure I don't love him seeing as we haven't had a conversation that lasted more then 1 minute in an entire year. Isen't that sad! Thats sad.... its proof that maybe the time has come too let go....but the conversation before that year gap was so nice. Does he even remember it?

This little blog has given you a peak and what my minds been going through. Help me, you'll know if your the right person to give me advice. By advice I don't mean tell me to stop liking him then go for him yourself! That would not be cool. I mean genuine advice that would or could potentially help me out. please.....

"happy birthday to you"

I just wanted to give a little shoutout to my grandpa. He's 72 today! Happy Birthday grandpa!

Journal moment: me,dad,and Ben through a last minute party for him. We got a cake with an awesome card(it was really awesome cause I spend a long time picking cards for family and good friends). We sang to him and he was really happy. Mom was at work but uncle lato was there. It was a day to remember since it's his first birthday party since his 21st.

"I just can't be living this way/So starting today I'm breaking out of my cage/I'm standing up I'ma face my demons/I've had enough/now i'm so fed up

I am proud of myself. Do you ever analyze your life? I do sometimes, I think about where I was, where I am, and where i'm going. I like to think about a future where I'm better as a person and the things that i'd like to accoplish in life. This year has been a really good one for me because I feel like I have made some progress. I'm not as scared of everything as I used to be, and I'm less worried about my lame "secrets" getting out or something. I feel more open to be myself, and then I realized what it was that really made me feel that way. Diversity Club! Its made the biggest difference in my life and I didn't notice it until today's meeting. There are so many lessons I subconciously learned from Diversity Club and at the end of the day it made me feel good about myself.

Do you feel good about yourself? There was this Tyra show and there was this 9 year old girl talking about how her face was too fat, and she needed to get her teeth done. She was embarrassed of the way she looked and she was the cutest little thing. It makes me so mad that the society that we live in now makes people feel so bad about themselves all the time. If your not the cookie cutter person then your doing something bad, you need to work on being more or less like everyone else. I guess everyone goes through a time in their life where they feel a little insecure. Janet Jackson, one of my idols said at one point she would look in the mirror and find nothing good about herself. And she was making millions of dollars, there were posters of her in rooms all over the world but she didn't love herself. Its sad, because Janet Jackson is amazing! That just shows that everyones insecure, but if you learn to love your insecurities life will be a little bit better.

Today, in choir the teacher asked me something and lately she's been on a kick of calling me sweet. I honestly don't mind, I want to be known and really be a sweet nice girl. But anyways she mimicked me talking today. The old me would have been so sad and insecure but I didn't even care. My voice is me, and no one has the right to make fun of me for it. Some people are always saying I have a high voice, hello i'm a girl! At first I was all insecure and asked my friends what they thought, they all said there was nothing wrong with my voice and stuff. It used to kind of make me mad or worried about the way I sound but not anymore. You know what helped me? Knowing the people who talk about me are nowhere near perfect and never will be. What right do they have to say anything about me if they haven't reached perfection themselves?

Over all message of the day? Just love yourself. Your all beautiful people. Want to know how I know? Your reading this blog which most defiantly makes you awesome.

song of the day: Not Afraid - EMinem

quote of the day:

And by the way everyone, today is my grandma's 70th birthday! I don't know if shes reading this but HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA!

"Because I've kept my heart under control/But latley all this time has taken its toll/I tried too but I can't hold back what's deep in my soul"

Heyy!
So I have been holding things in my whole life. There are a million things I wanted to say that I didn't, some because it wasen't polite but others because I was scared. I've said a lot of those things I held in over the last few years but the one thing I want to say the most I still haven't said. The longer I hold it in the more I just want to say something, but I'm still scared. The reaction to what I want to say is what scares me, scares me out of my mind. Because that reaction could possibly make me feel bad about myself again. It could make all this progress i've been making of being a fearless girl disappear and I'm worried about that.

Part of what was making me be unfearless was that I guess, I always thought I wasen't good enough for a lot of different things. But suddenly it came to me that no ones perfect. And that if some guy was looking for the perfect person, or parents were looking for the perfect daughter they were bound for disappointment. I still think that people should try their hardest to be the best person they can be, me included. Why be something short of what your capable of being. I guess the little piece thats stopping me from being fully fearless is still there. I know what it is and I think about it a lot. I wonder, soon i'll be out of high school. I don't have much time, but I want Prince to really get to know me. That way I would know that if something were to not work out it was truly because he didn't like something about me not just that he didn't know me.

I guess I'm one those girls who builds a wall around themselves just to see who cares enough to over come it. Lets just say I'm still waiting for someone to care enough, sometimes I wonder if anyone ever will. It makes me kind of scared. But then I think its selfish of me to want someone else to climb my wall when i've never consciously tried to climb someone else's. I really have tried to reach out past my wall though. Multiple times its ended in not so great feelings. I don't want to feel sad. I guess i'd rather avoid potential happiness, and just be content instead of being hurt. But the thing with this is that there's a chance, i'm not sure how small or big that I could end up happy. That makes me want to send a text message right now...we'll see what happens.


song of the day: Under control by Parachute (if this blog made 0 sense to you go listen to that song, they'll be singing the words of what i'm feeling right now"

quote of the day: Sometimes we build walls around ourselves to see who cares enough to climb over them

"I dont know why the trees change in the fall/Don't know if Snow Whites house is near or far away/But I know I had the best day with you today

I, Mariam A. am a happy girl. A very very happy girl. I'm happy for all the reasons I like to be happy for. Reason number one, I'm healthy and so are most of my loved ones (a couple of them have colds but are overall ok). I had a fabulous weekend with my best friends. And a boy made me smile without even trying, it made me happy. And music makes me happy, especially what i'm listening too right now. I'm just over all happy and thankful. Yes, I have some issues like everyone else but 80% of me is loving life and loving the people in my life right now. If your reading this, thats you!

So I'm just going to tell you a little about my weekend. Saturday, I got a happy suprise and then I got my hair done. I got it cut, BUT its actually longer then it was a month ago. Theres one part of my hair that grows SUPER fast (it must be my like 1/16 indian-ness) so I always have to cut it to even up my hair. When its curly you can't tell but when its strait it is too obvious. After getting my hair done I went off to my friend M.'s birthday party. It was awesome! We started off party style by singing to her at legends. Then we went shopping. I got some CUTE clothes! Ahhh, love it. I'm addicted to shopping, just thought i'd put that out there. Anyways I like the clothes I have right now. Then afterwards we had dinner at Chipotle and then took pictures of each other. The pictures were the most fun part! Everyone was so happy and laughing. It was a sisterhood of the traveling pants moment! I had a good time and that was one of the many reasons I am happy.

The next day I Went to church and the minister read Oh the places you'll go by Doctor Suess to us and then related it to the bible (for those who want a refrense, its the part were moses is leading the hebrew slaves and they have to cross the river jordan to enter this dessert, not knowing weather or not they'll make it a live). It was a good sermon, and then they mentioned Fall Fun Fest which is this awesome thing for epispical youth, and hey i'm an epispical youth! So I'm totally going.

After the church thing me and my friends raided each others closets trying to find the perfect outfit for each person and we did! Afterwards we took pictures and spent the night at another friends! It was a fun weekend

song of the day: The best day by Taylor Swift

quote of the day:Success is simple. Do what's right, the right way, at the right time.
Arnold H. Glasow

Free State Pride: "We hail thy Lawrence Free State/Your legacy will never end"

Hi everyone! So I meant to write about this yesturday, but something happened that made me very proud of my school. A couple days ago the senior class got to vote for homecoming canidates. Its an all senior thing at free state high school. So anyways, they come up with a big list where everyone has a number and it all happens threw scantron. Anyways when people were looking through the list to find the sweetest boy, who they though deserved to win. He wasen't on the list. Looking through it some more, they found 3 other kids who were not on the list as well. Why weren't they on? My school was outraged. You want to know what makes these kids special enough to cause such big of a buzz? These are all special needs kids, kids with physical and mental disabilities.

What I love about my school is that we noticed they were left out. Others schools would have looked right past those students. All this freddies friends things that have been going on, have been great. It made people open their eyes and realize that these are people too who need a lot of love.

This girl in choir, a cheerleader who looks just like Taylor Swift was in full uniform because it was a game day. She came up to the front of the class and said, "you know how we all have so much baggage we talk about always leaving at the door before choir? Owen has more baggage then all of us put together but he goes through the day with a smile on his face and is nice to everyone." She started crying. The whole choir class, including me signed a pettition.

At the end of the day there was an announcment about why the kids were left off. It was some lame excuse like they had physical limitatons and woulden't be able to participate. It involves just getting a crown on your head, they totally can! But anyways they finally decided to vote again come monday. I'm proud my of my school for that. Your schools should make sure everyones involved too :)

"Taking my sin my cross my shame/Rising again I bless your name/You are my all in all"

So yesturday, my baby cousin passed away. Well shes not really a baby shes 5 years old. I never met her, beore yesturday I didn't know she exsisted. It makes me feel so bad. so bad that I never saw her or talk to her and I never will get too. I keep thinking about her, even though I don't really know what she looks like. I think she was my 3rd or 4th cousin. She went to the airport in Tanzania, a third world country,and was heading back to her home in london with her 3 brothers and sisters with her mother. They were walking across the airport and then, this wood thing that was similar to the monitars that we have at airports only wood since its third world fell on my cousin. She died right away. It was heavy, she was 5 years old. She went to Africa alive and she will never get to leave. It makes me so pissed at that stupid airport, and the whole country. How could they not think about safty at all? How could they not care that she'll never get to get married or travel the world. Shes gone. Don't worry about me, i'm ok because yes we've never met it just hurts. that family connection, I can feel it in my blood.

God bless my little cousin and take her into your open arms. Pray for her if you get the chance readers, she deserves it.

There may be a lawsuit and stuff coming up but the thing is her mother dosen't want money, or publicity. She wants her daughter back.

This should be a reminder to you and to me that accidents happen every day. You need to live your life and enjoy the oppurtunity you have to even be living. Enjoy the gift of life because you never know when it will be gone.

song of the day: All in all (gospel song)

"What you got boy is hard to find/I think about it all the time/I'm all strung out my heart is fried/I just can't get u off my mind"

Hi everyone! Have you ever felt like you just needed a hug? I think we all have at one moment at a time but did you know hugs can make miracles? I am not making this up, I heard a powerful story today. A mother gave birth to twins very early in her pregnancy. She had a girl and a boy, there were complications with the boy. After 20 minutes of trying to revive him, they doctors declared him dead and handed him to the babies mother so they at least get to know him a little before he officially passes. Soon the baby started kinda twitching and the parents got hope, but the doctors said that it was expected. The baby boy was lying on his mothers chest, head on her heart when he opened his eyes! The miricle is they stayed open and hes alive today! All he needed was a hug for his mother to be close to her heart just like he was all those days in her body! Isen't that amazing? apperently this has happened before and its called "Kangaroo care", because the same thing works for kangaroos. This story is just a little reminder that miricles do happen, and hugs and a little love can go along way.

I got a special hug yesturday! Well it was an average hug from a really cute guy that made me feel really special! Hes a friend from a long time and theres no way we would date or anything but he just gave me a hug goodbye and I felt kinda loved! Hes a nice guy, it made me think of other guys who I've known for just as long thats never offered me a hug *cough cough (they know who they are)*. I like guys with a lot of love in their hearts. Not just guys, just anyone who has love and is willing to share it. Everyone has their own excuses for being closed in or self absorbed but when your willing to share the light in you with other people its nicer. I'm going to start giving more miricle hugs. The special hug did get me just a little giddy though.... :) Anyways I don't like Mr. Hug giver but it just made me put things a little more in perspective about other people and other guys and who really cares about me and who dosen't even care that I exsist. I think i'm not going to be as nice to the ignorers and nicer to those who care enough to show a little love.

Speaking of love giving and making...I learned something from doctor Oz today. He was on Oprah and i've been trying to catch her show as much as possible now that its soon going to be over :( It makes me really sad that all these great talk show hosts are leaving T.V. but hopefully the next generation will be just as good. Anyways, back to what I learned from Doctor Oz. He said people who make love 3 or more times a week are gauranteed to live longer. You hear that people, theres no youth syrum or vampire bits just love. Love = long life. I'm not saying go out and sleep with a random dude right now! If your a MARRIED reader, the information might benefit you. I'll try to get more health tips from doctor Oz the all knowing.

Love you readers :)

song of the day: Just the way you are (my song!) by Bruno Mars, and Your love is my drug

quote of the day: You know you're in love when you don't wanna go to sleep at night because your life is better than a dream.

"Your so fine/I want you mine your so delicious/I think about you all the time your so addictive/Dont you know what I could do to make u feel alright"

Hey readers! So did the song I put as my tittle take you back to seventh grade today. It made me happy just listening to it. I still remember the words by heart, "So come over here and tell me what I want to hear/Better yet make your girlfriend disappear/I don't want to hear you say her name ever again". If you didn't listen to music in 7th grade the lyrics are from Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne. She says the words that every women has wanted to say to a guy at some point. You know the part of every book or life time story where the guy the girls been pinning for dates someone else. In 7th grade there was this boy that EVERYONE had a crush on. He was a tall, blue eyed blond do I even need to say anymore. Everyone wanted to be his gilfriend so when this song came out it was a big hit in junior high. I love songs that take you back to certain memories or times in you life. It just makes me happy to hear them! Now that I started this i'll tell you my 25 most played songs and the memories I have for each of them. Don't laugh, i'm letting you in on my hearts secrets.

1. Love Story by Taylor Swift. So when this song came out I got it like the same day and fell in love. I like the idea of a royal roamnce. "You'll be the prince and i'll be the princess its a love story baby just say yes! I told like all my friends about it and then my friends from the bus( I'm not as close to them anymore and it makes me so sad because I had AMAZING times with them and we had the same taste of music so they understood me in the musical sense) anyways they fell in love with it but none of them had itunes cards so for the next couple weeks we passed my ipod around and sang along to Love story!

2. Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis. I actually saw this song performed on american idol and I was "heartbroken" at the time because this guy I liked was hanging out with this other girl and I was like "giving up on boys" because I never got them. The lyrics "closed out from love I didn't need the pain/Once or twice was enough but it was all in vain". I just related to the lyrics and sang along to it over 100 times. no joke.

3. Our song - Taylor Swift. You all should watch the music video for our song because it so me. "Our song is the slam of screen doors/sneaking out late tapping on your window/when we're on the phone and we talk real low because its late and your mama don't know". This song talks about the romance that I want. I fantasized and day dreamed to this song also over a hundred times. This was the song about the fantasy romance I wanted the year this came out. Plus Taylor swifts nails in this video are SO cute if I remember correctly.

4. Teardrops on my guitar - Taylor Swift. Your probably noticing a taylor swift pattern. I think she may be my favorite musician. Her songs just have a way to relating to exactly what I was feeling 8th grade year up to this day. "Drew looks at me/I fake a smile so he won't see/I think shes beautiful/that girl he talks about/and shes got everything that I have to live without". I've felt the way her lyrics are speaking so many times. I've lost guys to different girls at a lot of different occasions because I don't actually ask guys out like other brave girls get too. So back then i'd be crying with my imaginary guitar whenever it happened, more time sthen I can count.

5. Hate that I love you - Ne-yo ft. Rihanna OMG THIS SONG IS BEAUTIFUL! I still love it. The lyrics and the way their voices flow together is amazing. This was my ringtone for a long time. " I hate how much I love you boy/I can't stand how much I need you/I hate how much I love you boy/And I just can't let you go. I hate that I love you so". This is one of those hopeless romantic must haves. All of us romantics want a song like this and a guy like Ne-yo. But if we don't have one, we're content with watching the music video. haha. Did I ever meantion I saw him in concert shortly after this song came out?

6. I'm Only me when i'm with you - Taylor Swift. This song is about having someone in your life that you can truly be yourself around. I always admired that. And I love this song, "I'm only up when your not down/Don't want to fly if your still on the ground".

7. Forever by Chris Brown. Chris browns my man. I loved him from when I heard run it and yo excuse me miss. But when I heard forever it was a whole different chris brown sound and I loved it. I loved the idea of dancing forever with someone. The song made me want to dance and sing and I listened to it a lot obviously. Chris brown made my life for awhile. I still love him, even though he hit rihanna, but it was more fun listeing to his songs without thinking of Rihanna's messed up face picture.

8. You belong with me by Taylor Swift. This song is FANTASTIC. "She wears high heels/I wear sneakers/shes cheer captin and i'm on the bleachers/dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find that what your looking for has been here the whole time". Don't we all dream of that day? When the guy will figure out that hes wasting his time with that mean cheerleader that treats him like crap and go for us instead. Well Taylor Swift wrote a song for that emotion too! And suprise, suprise I loved it.

9. So small by Carrie Underwood. Have any of you taken the time to actually listen to carrie underwood? She's another big reason why I love country music. She writes songs that tell you a story and take you to a whole different place. Its awesome! "Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing/is just a grain of sin/You've been out there searching for forever its in your hands/And when you figure out love is all taht matters after all it sure makes everything else/seem so small". Her songs teach you something and make you think! I must go to that concert.

10. Lollipop - Lil Wayne. Oh, what can I say. I like everyone else was in junior high at one point, this song was number one for the longest time. I danced to this and listened to it a lot of times. I would also put the blame for this one on one of my best friends who was obsessed with this song and shared an itunes with me. But I'm partly to blame for this. Its kind of embarrassing, but I said i'm barring it all.

Thats all for right now, i'll tell you the other 15 in the next blog! :)

" Your the one I want to chase/Your the one I want to hold/I wont let another minute go to waste/I want you and your beautiful soul" - Jesse McCartney

Hi everyone! You know what a majority of people don't know is still around but actually is in a lot of places even right here in America? Arranged Marriages. What are they you ask? Well their marriages set up by either the two peoples parents or families for a boy and a girl to be married. The couples both normally know of each other but don't know much about each others personalities and such. And then they end up married. If you've read A Thousand Splendid Suns then you get a really good idea of what its like to be in one. Recently I found out that one of my fairly good friends has an arranged marriage set up for her! There are 3 boys and she will pick one of them and end up married! Isn't that something else? She's Native American so that might have something to do with it. Sometimes, arranged marriages work fabulously and the two people learn to love each other and sometimes even fall in love. But sometimes it doesn't... I hope it will go the positive way for my friend when she makes her choice. I love how she didn't even tell me about it though, I heard from a third party.

Yesterday was a historic day in U.S. History, does anyone know why? Well the president of the United States Barack Obama was on T.v. and he was announcing the end of the war again Iraq. Its officially over, and I think all our troops are out of Iraq. See that war, sucks. I think it never should have happened. I think Americans should get a vote on weather we fight or not. I know this will sound so mean and cold hearted, but heres the deal...I think your average american person doesn't even care weather Iraq's under dictatorship or what's happening to the Iraqi people. If there was a vote on weather we could waste millions of dollars saving Iraqi's or actually spending all that money helping our own country Americans would vote for the second option. At least I would. I know it sounds mean, but have we all forgotten seeing those Iraq people on t.v. with a huge smile on their faces talking about how they want to kill all americans. Why did we waste so much money on people hate us and don't even care that we lost our economy and are loosing our status in an attempt to save their people. Anyways, no need to rant on. Thank goodness the war is over.

Guess who I'm still thinking about? Yes, prince, thats who. Sometimes I wonder if Prince secretly reads this. I mean if I knew that some guy was writting about me for all the world to see, I would so be reading it, like every day. BUT hes a guy and i'm a girl thats the difference. Not to mention I have never personally told him about this, so technically he shouldn't even know it exists. Part of me kind hopes hes not reading it. Hmm, if you are reading it Hi Prince. If your not, well your not. Maybe I should have ended this blog a couple lines ago. have a good day readers!

song of the day: Beautiful soul by Jesse McCartney (beautiful lyrics)

quotes of the day:

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."

"Today I caught myself smiling for no reason... then I realized I was thinking about you "

"If I could be any part of you, I’d be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips. "

If I could get another chance/Another walk with him/I'd play a song that would never end/How I'd love to Dance with my father again" - Luther Vandross

Hello everyone! So today, in choir we were singing the song heart will forget you. The way it was coming out just wasn't right. Yes we were on key and all singing the right part, better then some choirs can do but there was something missing. Our teacher stops class and says, "This just isn't working". She then asks how many of you have honest to goodness been in love. Maybe about 10 hands go up from people who have felt the sensation. She then talks about the feeling and how when your in love and your vulnerable and give yourself to someone no one can hurt you more. The song is about heartbreak, remember. She wanted us to sing the song as though we were pulling a thorn out of our hearts. Remember yesterday I talked about what the opposite of faith was? Its fear. Well what's the opposite of love? I can think of a couple words but whats fitting for this situation, is pain. Love is an extreme indescribable joy that really can't be beat by a new pair of christian loubitons, or a gold medal. Pain is extreme hurt, anger, and sadness. They sure sound like opposites to me.

But anyways her metaphor just stuck with me all day. Then she got really emotional, thats something I like about women's choir. It can be a really emotional place. People open up. My teacher said her worst fear is her dad dying before he can walk her down the isle. She started crying just thinking about it. I really felt for her. I want my dad to walk me down the isle too. who doesn't? Those are two of my favorite moments in weddings. When the father walks his baby girl down the isle and hands him to another man, trusts him with his precious girl forever. Its a big thing. The second thing I love, is the father daughter dance. It just gives me chills every time. There some things all girls just want, things that unite the popular girls, the unicorn loving girls, goths, preps, and band geeks. We all just want to be loved.

Song of the day: Dance with my father - Luther Vandross (may he r.i.p)

Quote of the day:"In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities."

Together can never be close enough for me/Feel like I am close enough to you/You wear white & I'll wear out the words I love you and your beautiful"

Hey! I feel good today, I thought you should know. As I was walking home from the bus stop listening to: Just the Way you are by Bruno Mars, Not Afriad by Eminem, and Got your back by T.I. I was thinking about just how great life is. I'm alive, and in the 21st century, with a great family and good friends. I have no right to be pouty about anything. I'm just enjoying life. But anyways something or rather someone else came to my mind while I was walking. Prince, the princinator. The more I think about it the more I don't think Prince fits him anymore. Maybe it never did...Not trying to say he's not princly but I can't really imagine him in tight spandex leggings and one of those old fashioned shirts with a crown on his head. I just can't see it but for the purpose of this blog, it works.

For the record, I am well aware that there are 3 billion guys out there. Every kind a person could dream of. Why am I stuck on just this one prince? I have no idea. I think my brain and my heart need to have a little conversation. They just both haven't gotten to it. My brain is saying, there are many fishes in the sea fishes that might actually like you or even think that your on the same planet once and awhile. Then my hearts like...ahh prince...ahh prince...ahh prince It literally beats like that. What should I do about it? I want honest to goodness advice. From you, my readers who are probably just 3 of the best friends I have but even those of you reading this that aren't them. Is it stupid for me to be fawning over him when he hasen't showed any interest back? Should I just try and find out once and for all what he even thinks of me? I'm just dying to talk to someone about it but I have no one because most just think i'm crazy for liking one person for sooo long. Maybe I am crazy. hmm...

The sad part is he doesn't even try to win me over and my hearts like already enslaved to him. Imagine if he actually said he loved me or something like that, my heart my have like a heart attack (God forbid). I was trying to think if I had a friend who was telling me about this whole situation. My advice to them would be "tell him how you feel...If he likes you back you'll be happier and if he doesn't like you he's a jerk and you don't need him anyways". I really suck at taking my own advice for the record. I guess with him I figure saying something would be nice but what would happen afterwords. It probably wouldn't lead to anywhere right now and it would just make everything awkward forever. The clock is ticking though, he's going to be gone in a few months.

I guess my secret plan is to suddenly become like Kim kardashian or whatever his dream women is and to just not be able to resist me because I have super girl powers. yes! good plan?? Probably not, but it will have to work till I have a better one.

song of the day: Marry me - Train (thats what the lyrics are from too)

quote of the day: Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.