"I just need somebody to love/I-I don't need to much/Just somebody to love" - Justin Bieber

I feel diffrent. Its amazing the diffrence that one second can make in a life. It can take one second to bring someone into the world and one second to take them out. Seconds pass without notice. Moments become lifetimes. Its weird. All I know is that latley my emotions and my feelings have been changing second to second. And then my mind keeps going back to the one thing all hopeless romantics go back to love.

Have I been in love? I don't know. But I do know that I've felt pretty strong about certain boy (s) out there. But never strong enough to be myself, the best me I can be. Its weird. I just I feel like sometimes I'm one person, to the public eye but inside me theres a greater person. The person i'm ashamed or afraid to show. I don't know why. I had this problem forever. I guess i've become so good at keeping up a sharade of "Mariam" that it seems weird to just do what I really feel. And I guess latley i've been thinking that maybe if this one perfect boy really knew the me on the inside, the one thats hiding, he would love me.

But how do you stop a sharade thats been going on for 15 years. I guess the first step for me today is to share this inner me with the world, then some how manage to show some perfect boy what I really am.

1. I'm not really quiet. I talk a LOT when I feel really comfortable around people. I talk about nothing and everything. And when i'm really close to a person I go into pyscoligist mode in talking which leads me to number two.

2. I like helping people with their problems. And most all the time I have a great solution to whatever the problem is. But I'm always too scared to push peoples buttons so basically everyone in my life, yes everyone, gets the edited version of me. I guess part of me dosen't want to loose good people to my big mouth.

3. I have ever changing intrests. I like most everything music realted. I like playing my instruments but I just don't like practicing. I wish you could just pick up an instraument and be good. I don't like having to play boring songs. I want to get right to the hard stuff like bohemian rhapsody. I am just now learning to enjoy the piano.

4. I'm pretty easily freaked out. But I don't show it so I end up staying all night thinking about the evil serial killer or mutated animal thats loose. I think its part of why I like the idea of married life so much, theres someone sleeping next to you when your scared to make you feel safe again

5. In 1st grade I made the rule that I would never again cry in public. I haven't since. Its part of my outer shell. You can hurt me a million times but you wont know, the only person that will know is my shower where i'm free to cry when things get tough

6. I was recently told that I am the defintion of a prep... :/ Its true. No I am not mean girls but I love drama t.v. like gossip girl. And I love to read girly books. My room is pink. I could spend an hour on my nails and consider it time well spent. I love to shop, shopping is my passion. Especially for tops and most recently shoes. What comes with shopping expertise is noticing not so cute outfits from a mile away. I to this day have never insulted anyones outfit face to face though, i'm good at keeping things inside. But brightly colored rompers with parrots on them...YUCK

7. I find it hard to look people in the eye when I talk to them , so a lot of people label me as shy or a lier. But I just can't. Its really weird. I do my best but I end up looking down a lot. I just feel exposed for some reason when I look someone in the eye for like an our strait. Its like i'm an open book, or standing out in nothing but a bra and my underwear. When someone is free to look at your eyes its almost as though their reading your heart.

8. I really hate giving stuff away to my cousins in africa. I know this sounds really cruel. I have never admitted it and I always agree too but deep down inside I hate it. Its not cause i'm a pack rat its just that I feel like I have zero connection to them and their going around wearing my clothes that i've had a whole life in. My memories are on people I don't know. Its kind of why i'm opposed to thrift stores. Those are other peoples memories, who knows how dirty of memories. Anyways I know its the right thing to do, but i'd much rather give my stuff to someone I have a personal connection too.

9. When I like something, I really like it. When I first heard love story by taylor swift I think I listend to it like 100 times in a month. When I fall, I fall deep and i honestly never get over whatever it was that I liked.

10. I have a type, in boys I mean. Theres a type of boy I just like. And its not physical. Its a personality that I like. I really musical, ambicious boys. I also like them to be not so intmindating, and free to be a little exposed. I like boys who can make me laugh, and don't fill the need to fill every second with talk. There are some moments that are better appriciated in silence.

11. I hate bugs. The truth is I haven't been scared of a bug since I was three. But I really dislike them so I keep on the fear of spiders and bugs just so someone can kill it. And I don't want that someone to be me. Thats a life, and what if their bug germs get all over me. So at home when theres a bug I put on the whole sharade so my daddy will kill it :)

12. I'm a little on the messy side. I'm not a full on messy person but every once in awhile I just end up putting a ton of papers on my desk and it gets really unorganized. I also have my own system of "neat" going for me with my closet. But i'm not anywhere near a slob.

13. I'm a believer in money can get you hapiness. I know thats totally not right to say but heres how I see it. If a person gets a job that isen't there first job but gives them a lot of money then after work their free to do whatever they want, whatever it is they need to be happy. so for me that would be traveling. But if what I want to be is a paint salesgirl or something I won't be able to do everything I love because everything costs money. make sense? probably not. my mind is on its own brainwave.

14. One of my secret desires for when I grow up has always been to be a housewife. I know, I know I'm a woman I can do anything but I kind of really just want to be that wife who stays at home and cooks and cleans and picks out furniture. Is that weird? I mean i'm definatley gonna have a college degree in hopefully pharmacy so I can take care of myself but i've always admired the housewife lifestyle.

15. I feel alone a lot of the time because I don't really have anyone thats there "whenever I need them". I do have good friends but most of my good friends have busy lifestyles so they really don't have time to listen about my bad day, or some rude comment. It kind of sucks. I guess thats the good part of having a sibling close in age to you. Their always there for you when you need to just let something out. My brothers a sweetheart and he'll listen to me sometimes but its just not the same as having a friend who lives next door to you or somethng that you can walk over to in the middle of the night and spill your heart too.

16. The newest part of me that is not as well hidden is that I am obsessed with Michael Jackson. The music, and the man himmself. It happened after his death but I am just so facinated with his life. I know so much I could write a book of my own. I guess it has to do with some of my celebrity obsessivness.

Well I could talk about hidden things all day long, but I think thats enough worldly exposure for one day.