Things I Want To Remember About 2018.

1. Being front row at the Drake concert. Nothing was the same. I got to experience this concert with some of my closest friends and he looked right at me hundreds of times. We were right behind Chubs the entire show.

2. My last moments with my angel friend. The feeling at the hospital was heavy and full of hurt, but what outweighed that was the feelings of love. The bond I have with the people in that room is unbreakable. I will never forget those moments. I won't forget the last living moments either. Going to see Mama Mia and Life Itself together. Attending her housewarming party and Sarah's.

3. My best friend's wedding. I got to celebrate twice, almost six months apart. There's something special about seeing someone you care about getting their happily ever after. We always talked about getting married and who we would end up with. She found someone that truly loves her for all that she is. I'm thankful for that.

4. The birth of my God Son. That little boy came into this world and stole my heart. He is so cute, smart, and fun to be around. I love holding him and playing with him. I love to see him smile, laugh, clap, and attempt to point at things. I loved finding cute holiday outfits for him to wear on Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. He is everything good in the world, and I'm so lucky to get to see him grow up and be part of his life.

5. Diamond concert with my mama and aunt. I love those two women, and we don't get to do so many fun things together. I think its because we all work so hard. It was great to have a night of fun together. Well deserved. Wish we could have convinced my dad to go.

6. My birthday. It was a beautiful celebration and I loved every minute of it. I'm lucky to love and be loved by so many people.

7. Completing this past semester of school. I finally got a great GPA and felt the rewards of my hard work. It was a really good feeling.

8. My little brother's high school graduation and all his senior events. I loved seeing him perform in so many Encore ensembles. Encore was so important to me in high school and it was fun watching him follow in my foot steps. He lights up on the stage. He was in chamber choir. I enjoyed hearing all those performances as well. I loved watching him get ready for Prom and was proud of him for bringing a date. I am so proud of the person he is and continues to become.

9. Going to the Zoo and exploring KC with the cousins. That was a great couple days. We had a lot of fun.

10. Cooking meals for my love and I. I always wanted to be a woman who made sure her man was fed well.I learned all kinds of new recipes and perfected the ones that I already know. The meals I make a lot include fried chicken strips, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, scalloped potatoes, quesadillas, nachos, pork chops, and pasta. I also made an entire Thanksgiving meal filled with everything he wanted. I was very proud of how the meal turned out.I made cornread, turkey legs, dirty rice, yams, macaroni and cheese. It was great.

11. Getting to decorate a home. I really enjoyed bringing different pieces together and turning a house in to a home. Working at HomeGoods helped a lot, because I had so many new ideas. Home decorating is definitely a new found passion of mine.

12. Falling in love with reading again over the summer. These are the books I enjoyed the most :

•  Americanah by Chimamanda Adichie
• Two by Two by Nicholas Sparks
• The Misadventures of an Awkward Black Girl by Issa Rae
• See Me by Nicholas Sparks
• Why Not Me? By Mindy Kaling
• Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi
• An American Marriage by Tayari Jones
• The You I've Never Known by Ellen Hopkins
• The Wedding Date by Jasmine Guillory
• After You by Jojo Moyes
• This is Me by Chrissy Metz 
• Motherhood by Sheila Heti

13. Date Nights. 

• We celebrated our anniversary by going to a KU Basketball game. We got to watch KU play Texas Tech. Much to my surprise, Texas Tech won. He was smiling ear to ear and all of Allen Field House had no idea how to take the upset. We then went to the grocery store and went home to make nachos for dinner. 
• We spent valentine's day in a fight. I got upset, because he insisted on seeing his present before I was ready to give it to him. I had gotten him some polo clothes which I knew he would love. He gave me my gift days early. The night ended well though. He surprised me by taking me to Olive Garden and we met this cute, old couple. The man told us funny jokes and he liked bae so much that he offered him a job at a restaurant his son manages in KC. 
• We went to Dave and Busters a couple of times. I enjoyed playing the basketball game and guitar hero. 
• Our night at the fair. It was nice to see all the rides. I insisted that he win me a stuffed animal, because I wanted a movie moment. It was too much pressure and he was unable to do it. So I won a small elephant for myself. I named her Ellie and we still have her. We also ate funnel cake. 
• We went to Bolings over the summer. But only after stopping by Princess Garden first. We walked in and realized they were only doing to go orders. The entire restaurant was booked for a wedding. All of the Asians guests looked at us surprised. They had no black guests, so we stuck out like a sore thumb. 
• Movie nights. We went to see The Acrimony, Tag, and Crazy Rich Asians together. Tag was not my favorite. I fell asleep during that one. But I loved the Acrimony and Crazy Rich Asians. 
• Ice skating the night before my birthday. 
• Watching the fire works together on fourth of July and kissing underneath the fireworks. 
• Black Friday shopping together. We hit up Walmart the night of Thanksgiving. The next day we went to the mall and got all kinds of things that we loved. We ended the day with lunch at Jack Stacks. Delicious bbq. 
• We went to Kobe for some hibachi and he ordered just onions for his vegetables. They ended up giving him a huge plate of onions that was comical. We got a ton of food that day. 
• We went on a double date to the pumpkin patch an got lots of cute photos. 
• Seeing 2 Chainz perform at Late Night in the Phog. He even danced a little at that concert. 
• Random lunch dates at the Cheesecake Factory and random breakfasts at the Big Biscuit. 
• When he paid to get my nails done and I got him NBA 2k19. 
• This isn't even all of them. We've had some great moments together.

14. Attending Bible Study and getting to know more people at church. I had a lot of great praise and worship moments at church. A lot of messages moved me. I am happy at the church. I also loved surprised my mom at church. She was so happy to sing with me and worship with me. The look on her face was priceless. 

15. Going to all my brothers choir and band performances with my family. Just being around the house with my family. I love them so much. 

16. Us young people getting the house to ourselves while my parents were in Africa. It was nice getting to bond and run the home our way for a little while. 

17. The television shows that stole my heart this year. 

• 90 Day Fiance/Before the 90 days/90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After
• Queen Sugar
• Love Is
• Greenleaf
• This is Us
• A Million Little Things
• Grace and Frankie
• Chewing Game
• She Gotta Have It 
• Red Table Talk
• Ball in the Family 
• Counting On : The Duggars
• Sister Wives 
• Married At First Sight
• The Mindy Project
• Keeping up with the Kardashians (when I had time)
• Teen Mom (when I had time)  

18. Celebrating Thanksgiving. We started the day with breakfast together. We then moved on to lunch with my family. Typical lunch that we all love : biryani, turkey, sambusa, catlesi, mandazi, chapati, kachori, kababu. It was delicious. We then got to spend the day with my future father in law. We went to his cousins house and met some really sweet, genuine people. 

19. Christmas 2018. We threw a party on Christmas eve which I cooked for. The meal consisted of fried chicken strips, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, corn bread, cupcakes, and reindeer cookies. We started the day with another big breakfast. Waffles, hash browns, sausage, and cheesy eggs. We then got ready for lunch with my family. We went to my future father in laws and watched the christmas blackish episode. We then went back to open gifts with my family. I led the gift giving and recorded everything. There were so many laughs. 

20. My last day at my old job. I am so lucky to have had the chance to work with so many beautiful people. They helped me grow and have been my family for the last 3 years. I cried the day I had to leave. Ugly tears in front of them. I brought a Thank You card for everyone that I worked with. They had a goodbye party for me with lots of snacks. It was a beautiful day. Filled with lots of love. 

21. I started a new job and am finally making some money. I am still in an office and get to work with kind, friendly people. I got to take a nice professional picture. I have my own cubicle. Can't complain. All glory to God. 

"Still every team's number one pick in the draft. I'm Kobe. KD. Kyrie. Pick a K"

Hello World,

My birthday is my favorite day of the year every year. I have always loved my birthday more than the usual person and seem to love it more and more every year. This year I thought of it as more than just a birthday. I thought of it as a celebration of my life and a day to Thank God for allowing me to see another year of life. Not everyone was blessed with more time, and I am so so grateful that I was. This year I turned 25. 25 years old. I started this blog when I was 15 years old. I have almost 10 years of feelings, thoughts, fears, and growth here. I do not utilize it as often as I used to, but it's on my to do list. Writing my feelings is a lot more affordable than going to therapy.

For the second year in a row, I did not have to take a final on my birthday. I finished all my exams on Friday, December 14th. I passed everything with flying colors. Only one C this semester. I was extremely proud of my progress and how far I've come academically. I will continue to push for better grades next semester and study as hard as I possibly can. I still don't want all my hard work to be for nothing. I want this degree. I'm hungry for it.

I started my birthday celebration immediately after my last final. I went home and showered, did my hair, and picked out an outfit. the most memorable thing about my birthday outfit will have to be the fanny pack I purchased. Kim Kardashian started this fad where you were your fanny pack over your shoulder. The same fad happened when I was in middle school with the north face fanny packs. Instead of wearing the bag part on our backs like we did in 2007, they flipped it. The bag part sits on our chest. I never participated in the trend in 2007, so I was excited to participate this time. I wore a black, white, and read off the shoulder top with bell sleeves with fleece lined leggings, and black faux leather boots. My fanny pack was from Boohoo. It was also faux leather. I got it for less than $10.

My love and I did a quick photoshoot then headed to the Plaza in Kansas City. We were lucky enough to get a parking spot right in front of the restaurant. I was really excited to try the Shake Shack. When I arrived, I realized that the Shake Shack was not what I expected it to be. It was packed. The line went from the cash register to the door. The restaurant itself was relatively small. There were not nearly enough seats for everyone eating there. People were jumping to save seats whenever someone got up. This resulted in a majority of the people having tables before their food arrived. The people who did have food had no where to sit. We waited about an hour for our food. It was a hectic mess with people ordering from postmates online.They didn't have nearly enough staff for all of this. Our buzzers went off before our food was ready. We did eventually get our food. We had to sit outside despite it being cold. This all sounds fairly negative, but I was still all smiles. I like a hectic, popular restaurant. I like to people watch and I like the hustle and bustle. One woman came outside to tell my love and I that there might be a seat becoming available. She felt bad, because they had a table despite not having food and we didn't have one. The right thing to do would have been to give us her table. But we all know people are nice. Just not that nice. The food was delicious. I had a bacon burger with cherry peppers. It really hit the spot. I also had bacon and cheese fries. I was in plus size girl heaven.

After finishing our meal, we headed to Crown Center. We found the parking garage and ventured around the mall for a few minutes. There was a children's choir singing carols. They had giant nutcrackers and pretty lights everywhere. It was beginning to look a lot like Christmas. It all warmed my heart. I love Christmas just as much as I love my birthday. We walked towards the ice skating rink and got in line. We were in line for about 45 minutes. My love helped me put my skates on, because I have always been bad at making sure my laces are tight enough. We skated for about an hour. It was his first time ice skating, but he did better than me. He had no fear. He left the wall and just went for it. He was making full rounds around the ice skating ring. We took some videos. They were playing Christmas carols. My heart was happy. We went back to Lawrence after ice skating and started a new day.

Saturday was spent resting, relaxing, and treating myself. I spent time with my family that morning and tried on the outfits that I planned to wear for my big day. I got copies made of some of my favorite childhood pictures for my birthday party decor. I then went to get my nails done. I got acrylics in purple, white, and gold. The this was the theme of my birthday. Turning 24 made this my Kobe Year. I wanted everything to be Laker's colors. Finding a purple dress proved to be harder than you would think though, so I got a black birthday outfit. After getting my nails done, I went to the ATM to get money out for my hair stylist. The ATM ended up eating my credit card. I was in tears by the time I got to my hair stylist. She tried to cheer me up about everything. She made my hair look cute. I wanted straight hair for the first time in a long time. She cut it to right about my shoulder. I ended up not minding. It was fairly cute. After getting my hair done, I went to run some last minute errands and get a REALLY late mcdonalds mcchicken lunch. I then prepared for my long time friends birthday dinner.

I was starting to get ready at the time I should have been leaving for the party. It was really bad. But I still needed to shave, shower, and do my makeup. I found an outfit and hit the road. I arrived to the party 45 minutes late. I felt really bad, because I really wanted to be on time for her. It was not a good friend moment. I let her down. I made it up to her by being the only friend that agreed to going out with her following the dinner. We went to an uppity bar calked the Monarch. I had a good time there. It was a cute vibe, but I wish there could have been dancing. I also wanted to be back with my love when the clock hit midnight. I ended up stopping by Denny's for a free birthday meal on my way home.

I woke up early on the day of my actual birthday and went to the early church service. We sang songs and had a great sermon that related to advent. I love the church calendar and traditional messages leading up to Christmas, so it was every thing and more. After Church we stopped by Dillons to pick up the balloons and finish last minute crafting. I got dressed then headed to the restaurant to decorate. I had flower petals on the table, my cupcakes in the shake of 24, balloons. It was a dream come true. My closest friends and family members came. We listened to my Mamba Mentality playlist. I had chicken friend rice and they sang Happy Birthday to Me. I also got a phenomenal photo shoot after. The whole day was perfect. I am ecstatic to celebrate another year of life and do it surrounded by people I love.

Song of the day : Ganja Burns by Nicki Minaj

Quote of the Day: "If you see me in a fight with a bear, pray for the bear. That's Mamba Mentality"

Top Songs of 2018

Every year I make my annual Top Songs of the Year list. It's one of my favorite things to do around New Years Eve. This year was the most difficult to make. If I was being honest, I would probably make songs 1-10 songs from Scorpion. Drake was the only artist that really spoke to me this year. I do not like these new age rappers. Lucid Dreams was the only song that really made an impact and stuck with me. I realized I liked it because it got stuck in my head for most of the month of December. I didn't have the song, but it would stick with me every time I heard it on the radio.

1. In My Feelings by Drake : This is hands down the song of the summer. Everyone was jumping out of cars and doing the the dance to the song. "KEKE!" was the caption to way too many Instagram photos. It was upbeat and made you want to shake it. It automatically put me in a good mood. The music video was very cute. Lala Anthony was in it. Seeing as she was separated from Carmelo when she made the video, it was even cuter.

2. God's Plan by Drake : This song was basically a spiritual for me this year. It inspired me and motivated me when I didn't know what was going to happen with school last May. Lets not forget yelling out "She say do you love me I tell her only partly, I only love my bed and my mama I'm sorry" every. single. time.

3. Nice For What by Drake : This was a women's empowerment song. The music video had so many inspirational women from this generation. He gave us plenty of Instagram captions as always. I like that he acknowledged working women. This summer I was working 2 jobs, 14 hour days. It was exhausting. But I was "working hard girl, everything paid for. First, last phone bill, car note, cable".

4. Thank U, Next by Ariana Grande : Ariana Grande has been a popular artist for quite some time now, but she was never on my radar. I thought of her as a child star from after my generation. I just assumed her music was for younger people. Thank U, Next was everything though. I've had it on repeat since I heard it in November. The Mean Girls references in the music video made my heart happy and who could forget Kris Jenner playing Regina George's mom. It was iconic.

5. Boo'd Up by Ella Mai : This song was every where this year. There were Boo'd Up challenges where people would make their own raps. It had a classic feel that just made you smile inside. I got to spend the year Boo'd Up with my love. It felt good.

6. I Like It by Cardi B : There is no denying that 2018 was Cardi B's year. She got engaged, married, and had baby Kulture. We were all following her to see the latest thing she would do, okurrrr? I was team Nicki when it came down to that feud, but this song was a jam. It belongs on the top 10 songs of the year. Even I can't deny that.

7. Freaky Friday by Lil Dicky and Chris Brown : This song was different! The beat was good and Chris Brown's voice has made me melt since I was a teenager. I liked how it was funny and how so many stars I love made suprise appearances. I enjoyed Ed Sheeran and Kendall Jenner the most.

8. Girls Like Me by Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B : I've been a Maroon 5 song for a really long time. This song proved that they still got it.

9. Smile (Living my Best Life) by Lil Duval : Bae was in love with this song. I thought it was a joke at first, because the song was so free. I didn't think it could be a radio hit, but it became one. It was a good reminder to be grateful for whatever you have. He said be thankful if you're "eating good off your food stamp card". Just a friendly, funny reminder that we all have a lot of be happy about.

10. Eastside by Benny Blanco, Halsey, & Khalid : I found this song a couple weeks ago. The beat makes me want to dance. It gives me reggae/dance hall vibes. Can't get enough.

11. Taste by Tyga and Offset : I was the last person that expected Tyga to make a come back in 2018. He spent 2015-2018 as a running joke. It just didn't seem like he could release a good song. There was honestly no coming back from the line "she a big girl, when she stimulated". He was viciously dumped by Kylie and she quickly moved on to Travis Scott and started a brand new life. But he broke the "Kardashian curse" and released a gem. This song makes me want to dance.

12. Big Bank by YG, 2 Chainz, Nicki Minaj, and Big Sean : I love all the artists in this song. I have seen all of them live. This song has my heart. My favorite memory with this song would have to be going to Late Night at the Phog and seeing 2 Chainz perform his verse in this song. It was lit. I loved it.

13. Barbie Tingz by Nicki Minaj :  Nicki had a really tough year. I felt bad for her. It was supposed to be her come back, but the media focused on the negatives and boy were there a lot of negatives. She had her feud with Cardi B, she dated a child molester, she lost the number one spot on the chart to Travis Scott, and Drake unfollowed her. It was sad. This song was my favorite of the ones she released this year. I was sad that she left it off the album. It was classic Nicki. "All tea, all shade, bitch all offense".

14. Sandra's Rose by Drake : This song was special to me. It was classic, soft, story telling Drake. I thought that the sweetest lines from the album came from this song. "I'm the chosen one, flowers never pick themselves".

15. Uproar by Lil Wayne : Carter 5 is the album everyone has been waiting on for years. Weezy is finally free and this song gave us the classic vibes that everyone loves. Hands down my favorite song from the album.

16. Ganja Burn by Nicki Minaj: I got my birthday caption from this song. "Still every teams number one pick in the draft. I'm Kobe. Kyrie. KD. Pick a K".

17. Get Along by Kenny Chesney: This song is real classic country. Not an ounce of pop. I liked the guitar and the message. It was a much needed song given the politcal climate in 2018.

18. Come See About Me by Nicki Minaj 

19. Lucid Dreams by Juice World : This song always managed to get stuck in my head. I didn't have it downloaded but would hear it on the radio all the time. The fact that it stuck with me and is by a new age rapper means it's worthy of the list.

20: Be Careful by Cardi B : only because "I want to get married. Like the Curry's: Steph and Ayesha" is a big mood.

Honorable Mention : The Middle by people I don't know.

Top Praise & Worship Songs of the Year 

1. Reckless Love by Cory Asbury : This song was everything. I have definitely cried singing these lyrics this year. It perfectly described the love that God has for us. We couldn't run away from hs love even if we tried. He's here for us through all of it.

2. I Give Myself away by William McDowell : This year I learned to let go. To give it to God. And when I give it to God, I don't have to pester him and remind him all the time. I don't have to fear that he's forgotten about me. I just have to have faith that he will use me and move me in the right direction.

3. The Answer by Jeremy Camp : Jesus is the answer to every question.

4. Living Hope by Phil Wickam : This song started like a hymn. I am big on hymns. It touched my heart.

5. The Break Up Song by Francesca Battistelli : "Fear you don't own me!". Another big theme that I hung on to this year. I will not let fear over take me and keep me from reaching my fullest potential.


African Songs of the Year : 

Bae loved "Man Don't Dance" and "Man Not Hot". It made me smile that my American boyfriene was entertained by songs by African Artists. Honestly didn't find many other new songs.

Maybe Hodari. I liked that song at my friends wedding.



Another year, another list. Thank you for reading.

"You Gotta Swim. Swim for Your Life. Swim For The Music That Saves You When You're Not So Sure You'll Survive".

Hello Beautiful, Faithful Readers. 

I hope this post finds you happy, healthy, wealthy, and surrounded by people that love you. Cherish them. Tell them you love them. Hug them extra tight. Each and every moment with those we love counts. I opened up this blog to write some posts today. I found one that I hadn't posted. On the post I talked about how happy I had been to go visit a friend and go to their house party. I talked about how beautiful her home was and how it matched the artsy vibe that I expected it to. I didn't go into detail. The day of this particular house warming party, I showed up on time! I was excited. It had been awhile since I had spent time with friends. I'm normally the cheap friend that doesn't get gifts, but I decided to this time. I went to HomeGoods and purchased a bag, paper, some awesome women's environment coasters, and a candle. My love dropped me off in front of the house. I texted her to let her know that I was there and she came down the stairs and got me. We walked up together and she said "this is my place" or something along those lines. She had the place fully furnished with pretty colorful items and mismatched furniture. I specifically remember a purple coach, a picture on the wall with the world map. She had colored in all the different countries that she had been to on it, and it couldn't have been more impressive. She also had an ikea shelf that she put together with little plants. I thought they were cute and asked if they were real. She said they were. That's how I knew she had reached a new level in adulthood. She had plants! I was really happy for her. Really proud of how far she had come. 

At that particular housewarming party, we had decided that we missed getting together and should do it more. She suggested getting together the first weekend of every month, because this party happened to be the first weekend of September. When the first weekend of October rolled around, we had made plans to get together but then had to cancel. My angel friends grandma had passed away. A month and a week from that day, all of us reunited at a another friends housewarming party. I don't know why, but I wasn't in the mood to go the day of the house party. I was sleepy and feeling lazy. The friend that I was going to ride with wasn't sure how she felt about going anymore. We somehow ended up convincing each other to go. I woke up from my nap late, but got ready immediately after. My friend O. got ready as well. We took pictures outside of the car and then headed off to Kansas City. We were hungry and stopped at the Cheesecake Factory despite already being late. I had a delicious four cheese pasta with chicken. When we finished dinner, we drove over to my friends house. We walked upstairs and found four of our friends there. We all gave each other hugs and got to chat for a little while. We talked about how great our other friends place is. They asked if O. and I planned on going clubbing after the party. We said yes, but never did actually make it out the door. I remember my angel friend from the 1st house party telling me that I had to go see the painting the hostess had hung in her room. My angel friend said she was tired, because she had spent the day at her grandma's funeral. It had been a long day and she wanted to rest. We took a photo and we had talked about how a lot of us were wearing black. She said "of course, I'm wearing red". We hugged each other goodbye. 

I had no idea that that would be the last time I see my angel friend. I had reached out to her twice in between her grandma's passing and that Saturday. I specifically remember saying that I know we expect our grandparents to pass away in our lifetime, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. I told her to reach out to me if she needed to get out of the house. This happened to be the weekend of fall break. I had set all my dr.'s and eye doctors appointments for the following Monday. I was driving to the parking garage when I got a call from a friend who never calls me. I figured that she was downtown and had seen me walking. I turned into the parking garage and decided to give her a call back. When I answered the phone, her and my other friend were together. They told me that they were at KU Med. They told me that they had gotten a call from our Angel friends mom the night before. She told them that early Sunday afternoon, our friend had a brain aneurysm. Not even a week after her 25th birthday. She started seizing and was taken to the emergency room. They wanted to life flight her to KU Med, but it was raining that day and they couldn't do it. They eventually put her in an ambulance and took her to the hospital. Late Sunday night she took her last breath. She was on life support. They believed that she was brain dead and would confirm it with a test that afternoon. Her mom said that we were all welcome to go and say goodbye. 

I was shocked. I had to asked to her to say it all again, because I couldn't process it. We were just together two days prior. She was fine. Tired but fine. I told them that I would be there as soon as I can. I started tearing up and called my mom and let out a good cry. We then coordinated going to KU Med. We were all by her side within a two hour period. All together again, but not in the way we wanted to be. I'll never forget her on that hospital bed. Someone that always had so much life was lifeless. We sat next to her and talked to her for a little bit then she went off to get her final test. We walked to iHop and all had lunch together, but it felt wrong. We were missing someone. When we got back we saw her sisters tearing up in the waiting room. Eventually one of them came over to all of us and said that the test showed no brain activity. Our beautiful angel was no longer alive. 

The next few days were filled with tears and shock. When I went to give her mom a hug goodbye that Monday, she said "Oh Mariam. She loved you so much.". I loved her too. I hope she knew that and hope she can still feel that love now that shes in a better place. I didn't think I could handle going back to the hospital. She was supposed to be taken off life support on Wednesday and that day I didn't go. But she waited for me. They ended up removing her from life support early Friday morning and we were all with her again Thursday night. We shared all the things we loved about her. I was in the room with all her closest family.We cried. There were so many tears. Towards the end of the night her dad asked if we would like some time along with her. We said we didn't at first but he knew we needed it. It was a very emotional time. Our final moments as a complete friend group. I couldn't stop crying when I left the room for the last time. I got a hug from her childhood friend and it just made me cry harder. She was giving hugs to anyone and everyone that needs one. Eventually all us friends, her mom and aunt group hugged. We cried and cried and cried and comforted each other. Then we did the hokey pokey, because even on our hardest days God bring love, joy, and comfort. Even if its just for a second. Her mom talked about how we should block the hospital door when they try to take her to her organ donation therapy. They can't have her. I felt that with my whole soul. I didn't want to lose a friend and I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. 

I am still grieving and will continue to grieve her loss for the rest of my life. We spent 11 years in each others lives. I am grateful for grieving, because grieving is the price we pay for love. If I had to choose between never meeting her and never feeling this loss or getting to know her until her last dying moment, I would still pick knowing her until her last dying moment. I am writing about this here, because this blog is my story. I have ran here with all my lowest moments and some of my higher moments to. This loss is part of my story and she used to read this blog. Rest in Peace Angel Friend. You were too good for this world. 

Song of the Day : Swim by Jacks Mannequin 

Quote of the Day : "Grief is the last ace of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love" 

I Wonder Why I Never Posted This

To the 2-10 people that will read this, hello. I wonder about you all from time to time. Are you friends I shared the link with back in high school. Are you strangers that hopped on my journey along the way? Do you read to be nosey or because you care? I will never know, but I am definitely curious. Life has been relatively good lately. It's been awhile since I have been able to say that. I spent summer 2018 working, working, working, working, all day long. I originally felt like I didn't have much to show for the summer. I bought a lot of furniture and tried my hand at home decorating. I was finally able to buy gifts for people I care about. I bought a lot of organic potato chips and things that I don't need from HomeGoods. It's been beautiful. I also applied to a scholarship that I received before and was denied this time around. I applied to a swahili translator job that I did not get. I had thoughts about how I am not meeting the standards I set for myself financially. I still make under $10.00 an hour with a college degree. All of those things were heavy on my heart.

I started my third year of P. School about 3 weeks ago. The first day was absolutely terrible. I was crippled by anxiety. I woke up early, did my hair, makeup, and got dressed. My first day of school outfit consisted of a plus size, black and flowery top from torrid and black pants with a black cardigan and black flats. I arrived to class 1 hour early, because I thought it started at 9:00am instead of 10:00am. There were a handful of people who made the same mistakes as me. It turned out for the best, because I got to watch podcasts for my Tuesday class. My real life reicy forgot his drivers license and credit card at home and asked me to take it to him on his break. I didn't say no, because I was already anxious and felt like if I don't take it he will get pulled over and fall into trouble. I drove over to his work and placed the ID in his car. I also snooped in his car a substancial amount. I started eating my poptart, because I needed food to keep me going. I pulled out of the parking lot faster than I should and got in a car accident with someone who was also speeding. The accident occurred thirty minutes before my class was going to start and I had to miss my very first lab. It cost me $263 to tow my car when it should have only cost $50. I didn't know any better and let the police call a tow company for me. I had been saving that money for something important, so it broke my heart that it had to go towards towing the car.

My dad was out of the country, so he couldn't help me with any of this. The accident got me down in the dumps. I counted my blessings. I was able to use my dad's car for a week since he was out of the country. I was terrified of telling my dad that I got in an accident, because he helped me out by getting me that car. He took the news fairly well, but was stressed out about the amount of time and resources it would take to fix my car. He stayed committed to the task and ordered all the parts for it. He helped me get my car towed to the mechanic for free. He paid for everything to get fixed and handed my my new and improved car a week later. I couldn't be more appreciative of everything he's done. It means a lot to me. I am lucky to have the support of my parents.

I got in another fight with my so called best friend. It helped me realize that the friendship is irreparable. I wanted a best friend that I could talk about being in love with. Someone that I could share my joy with. She wants someone who will do the same and share her sadness. I feel like I put in way more than I got out of it. She feels like it was equal. At the end of the day when I think of my wedding day, she's not the person I want standing next to me.  I think she would find a way to make the day about her or be annoyed about something. I don't think she would try to make it as special for me as possible. Before my anonymous commenter who thinks I'm a hypocrite comes down my throat... I truly believe that I would do these things for other people. I have gone above and beyond to make events special for friends before and never complained about it. Everyone deserves a couple special days in a year.

I got to catch up with my high school friend group at a housewarming. I was really proud of my friend and how far she's come. Her place was exactly what I imagined it would be. It had a very artsy vibe and she had it fully furnished. Bedroom, dining, room, and living room. I was happy to get to celebrate that accomplishment with her and catch up with other friends.

This post is getting very long, so I'll end it on a great note. I randomly got an email from an old boss stating that there was a graduate student position open there. She thought of me and encouraged me to apply. It paid better than the job I have now, so I went ahead and applied. I interviewed the following week and will hopefully start next week. Praise God. I pray the good times keep coming.

Song of the day : Counting Every Blessing by Rend Collective

Quote of the day : “What i like about photographs is that they capture a moment that’s gone forever, impossible to reproduce.” 
― Karl Lagerfeld

"The Moment I Wake Up. Before I Put On My Make. Up. I Say a Little Prayer for Youuuuuu"

There was a great moment in popular culture that has been in my head all day. John David Washington is from the move the Blackkklansman. He is the son of  Denzel Washington, and this was his acting debut. The Blackkklansman is a Spike Lee movie that I had the pleasure of seeing. My brother never invites me to anything, but he took time out of his busy schedule to invite me to the film. It's possible that I was only invited, because he wanted me to pay. I don't mind though. Our tickets cost $22 total. I am going to look at this post in 5 years and be shocked at how cheap movie prices used to be. I remember when I used to pay $5 to see a matinee movie. I probably would have splurged for popcorn, but he told me it was too late in the day and it wouldn't be fresh.

The movie was not my favorite of all time. I appreciated the concept, but it was a little slow. I definitely fell asleep for a good 20 minutes in the middle. The story-line is an undercover African American cop investigating the KKK. He speaks to someone high up in their organization and convinces them that he is a white male. Another white cop pretends to be him in person, but Washington is the voice that he speaks to on the phone. This is based on a true story about a black male who officially became a member of the KKK. He has a membership card with his name and everything. The end is hilarious, because it becomes evident that he is a black male. Spike Lee is a realist, so the story did not have a massive happy ending. One male, caucasian cop was arrested for the comments they were able to catch him make. The investigation was discontinued and no one from the kkk was actually arrested. The movie ended with footage for the kkk march that occurred in North Carolina and led to the death of a young woman. It was really moving. I never watched footage of the car that ran people over, because I'm tired of sad news. I don't want to be sad anymore. I would recommend the movie even though I couldn't stay awake during it. Same thing happened when I watched the Black Panther. I just can't stay awake when there is no good romance.

But back to a great moment in popular culture. When John David was being interviewed, the interviewer asked him what it's like to be the son of Denzel Washington. He corrected the interviewer and said, "and Pauletta Washington. Who was earning more money than he was when they married, before they were married. She was working on Broadway, paid for the first date, paid the bill, paid the cab ride. Classically trained pianist, went to Julliard. She is a great artist in her own right and I learned a lot for her. My father taught me how to hunt. My mother taught me how to love." That whole statement is beautiful. It's beautiful, because he showed love and appreciation for both parents. He loves his mother so much, that he does not believe she should live in his father's shadow. He believes that her contributions to art are just as important. A lot of the time, the celebrity parents takes all the credit for the celebrity child. I'm glad he showed respect for his mother. A black woman that has remained in a marriage for 20+ years.

The other part that stuck out is the love story. I loved knowing that she was more successful than him when they met, but she still gave him a chance. That's beautiful and you do not hear many stories like that in black culture. A lot of women spend many hours on twitter talking about how they want a man that has everything. He needs to pay for their travels, buy purses and a huge engagement ring, and give the women an allowance. It's unbelievable how much people expect. My relationship started a lot like the one between Denzel and Pauletta. He was not in a good place and a lot of people would have walked away, because of how hard it is. But where there's a will, there's a way. The love and faith I had in him encouraged him and he hasn't been the same since. I am so proud of him. I wish more women would do this. It encouraged me to know that this couple had humble beginnings too.

Song of the Day : I Say A Little Prayer For You by Aretha Franklin (I have loved this song my whole life because of a scene from My Best Friends Wedding. My whole life, I thought this song is by Dionne Worwick who is now being accused on molesting Whitney as a child. They mention her prior to singing it, so I thought that had to be her song. It turns out it's the Queens originally. RIP Aretha)

Quote of the day : "Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on."

"But I Found A boy Who I Love More, Then I Ever Did You Before"

My heart is so full. Full of love and full of joy. I'm walking on a happy cloud of my blessings and the answer to my prayers. I am so in love. So so so in love. Yesterday was one of the best 4th of July celebrations I've ever had. Thinking through it now, it was the best 4th of July I ever had. It of course didn't start that way. My boo and I have a habit of arguing on holidays. I think its because we both have such high, different expectations. For this particular holiday, I told him that he could plan everything from start to almost finish. The only thing that I really wanted to do was go to a firework show at the end of the night. So the night of July 3rd we went shopping and bought food. We went to bed early and woke up at 9:00am. My significant other was so excited that he woke up at 7:00am. He never wakes up early. That's how you know he just couldn't contain himself. I got up and did my hair and make up as quickly as possible, because I knew he wouldn't be willing to wait forever. I even skipped my ritualistic selfie before leaving. Don't worry, I began taking them once I got in the car.

His brother called as we were about to leave and asked for a ride to the festivities. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, because I felt like we were being used for a ride. That didn't end up being the case. We picked him up and he happily rode in the backseat. We drove into Kansas City and went straight to my future Father - in - Law's home. He welcomed us. The boys loaded up the truck and got everything in the car to go over to his girlfriends house. We set up a table outside and I watched the guys play dominos. I watched the host season the food and tried to be as helpful as I could. What really touched my heart were the conversations that went on that day.

When my boo went inside for a few minutes, his dad said "Julio's Wife". I didn't answer and then he said "Julio's Wife!" again. That's when I realized he was speaking to me. So I looked up and he said "Are you going to marry my son?". I smiled and said "You'll have to ask your son about that and see how he feels". He said, "I'm asking you. He feels one way but I want to know how you feel". I said "Yes, I really like your son". His dad said "Do you like him or do you love him?" I said, "I love him. A lot.. "very shyly. He said, "Then you two are going to get married. I'll make sure of it". Later on in the day, his son came back and we were all sitting together. His father said that he was happy we found each other. He didn't feel like he was losing a son but gaining a daughter. I loved every second of it. It was very special to me. Him and I have talked about marriage many times, but it was nice to see that other people see the love that we share as well.

I also enjoyed the father son moments that occurred throughout the day. My true love's brother told his dad "I smelled my breath the other day and had a flashback to you kissing me when I was a kid. I wonder how my breath ended up smelling just like yours". His dad said it was genetic and he did used to kiss him. The brother said "I wouldn't let you kiss me now or something along those lines". So throughout the day, their dad was run up to him or chase him and try to kiss him. It was so cute, because the son is grown and a father himself now. He didn't want to take any part of it, but you could tell he was coming from a place of love. His father also complimented the son that has my heart about how he always comes for important events and how he can always count on him.

The food was okay. I was too nervous to ask for ketchup and they spread BBQ sauce on absolutely everything. There also weren't potato chips. But I left the BBQ full, hot, and bitten by lots of mosquitos. After his dad's house we went to visit his cousins and their parents. They were all very kind and hospitable. They were outside smoking, talking, and sharing stories. One of his uncles does theatrical performances and had pictures of his last one. He did a Tyler Perry type of performance and was really into it. He said the ladies loved it and you could see the joy in his face talking about it. Most of his cousins are in relationships and have at least one child. One of their kids walked up to me and gave me a hug. She asked what my name was and told me her name. It was so sweet. I really appreciated that. They also took an interest in the fact that I was African. They said they wanted me and my man to host an evening at my house and they could all wear dashiki's. He also wanted to know if I could really cook or just "eggs and ramen noodles cook". Antwane confirmed that I can indeed cook. That made me feel good too.

After leaving there we were taking his brother to visit a friend. We ended up seeing his Great Uncle and Aunt sitting on our porch. We walked up to them. He was in a wheel chair. My first instinct was, "maybe he was a war veteran". I don't know why that was my first thought, but it was. We shook hands they pulled out seats so that we could join them. He told us that he recently had a portion of his foot amputated. He had an accident where something fell on his foot and that was the end result. He told this story with so much positivity and grace. You would think he was talking about something that happened to someone else and not him. He didn't believe that he would be able to walk again because he lost his big toe. But I loved the two of them as a couple. They were comfortable with each other and enjoying one another. It didn't seem like they really needed anything or anyone else. That's how I hope my future husband and I are someday.

We ended the night by going to the KC Riverfest. Just like for Thanksgiving, we made it there in perfect time. We arrived at the bridge about 2 minutes before the firework show began. We stayed for the entire duration of the show and then drove home. When we got back and dropped his brother off, we really ended the night in a romantic way. It was everything I could ever want it to be and more. I love him so much and after all this time, I felt even more loved than before. Couldn't have asked for a better day or a better man.

Song of the day: I Found a Boy by Adele

Quote of the day :"There is only one in this house. To love and be loved"

Love Yourself Girl, or Nobody Will.

Hello loves,

It's been a minute. This post is coming to you from my desk at work. The last 3 months have been filled with work work work work work. I technically have three jobs, but have only been working two of them this summer. I worked 14 hour days for the first time in my life. This last weekend, I was finally able to get a break and relax. It turned into a girls weekend, because everyone was in town for the Drake Concert. One noticeable change with my friend group over the last few years has been weight gain. Some of my closest friends have maintained the same weight. They were the ones that always watched their figure and had tiny bodies. The ones that take six bites and are full. That makes me so envious. After six bites my stomach is grumbling and yelling "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?". I kill my plates. On my first date with bae, I had tacos. Ended up with food all over my face. He had to give me a napkin to clean up. Same thing happened this weekend when I was eating my chipotle. I ended up with lipstick all over my face. Even my forehead. In the past I may have been embarrassed about something like that, but this is me. It makes me who I am.

Any ways, all my friends are upset about being fat. A lot of them have been talking about losing weight for the last 3 years now. They either stayed the same or gained weight, so its hard for me to take their discussion about weight loss seriously. In my mind, they are who they are. This is their big girl body and they have to embrace it and accept it. Since purchasing clothes in the correct size and no longer trying to squeeze into anything, my life has improved dramatically. I feel better and look better. The clothes that I buy accentuate what I have going for me instead of point out my flaws. Its amazing. I feel like a whole new woman. Wearing clothes in your correct size makes all the difference. Same goes for bras. I'm still working on that because a lot of my bras are not as flattering as I would like them to be.

Photos ended up being a huge topic of conversation this weekend. My cousin has decided that she no longer wants to take photos of any kind. I asked if she would be willing to take family photos just for memory and she still said no. There is no convincing her to take them. I think its because she would like to look a certain way to people who see the photos. The reality is, you look the way you look. Hiding behind the camera does not change the fact that people see you looking that way each and every day. So by avoiding pictures and really looking at yourself, the only person you are fooling is you. Everyone else knows that you look different.

My other photo story involves an attack. We took some photos in the parking garage prior to the concert. There were many photos at a lot of different angles. We looked at the photos and decided on one that we all liked. I accidentally downloaded the wrong one. I made the post sneakily while at work, because I did not want to miss the 7pm Instagram peak time. I was really excited about my post, because it's the first one I've posted in awhile. I was wearing a black and gold sparkly dress that I have had since last December. It was good to finally get the chance to wear it and show it off. I started getting likes instantly which isn't all that common for me. Its not uncommon either. After awhile, my friend texted and said she was crying because I used the wrong picture and she did not like how she appeared in the photo that I posted. She eventually confessed that the real reason is because someone she likes follows me. But this guy had two babies on her, so as far as I'm concerned he's irrelevant. It just really upset me. I realize social media is not that serious, but just once I wish I could post a good photo with friends like a normal person. It irritated me. I made the mistake of "You will learn to love yourself" and she took it as being judgmental. This particular friend is always criticizing me for things. She asked if she would be my maid of honor if I got married. I said yes, but it's a no for me dog. I need a maid of honor who will help me wedding plan, let me be a bridzilla, and stick with me through the planning every step of the way.

Song of the Day : Crooked Smile by J. Cole

Quote of the day: Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do.

Down To Ride Till The Very End, It's Me and My Boyfriend

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of doing dinner and a movie with one of my best friends. I wanted to really enjoy Memorial Day Weekend, because this summer will be a boring one for me. I am working 40 hours a week. Normally this would mean more fun activities, but I am currently stuck paying rent unexpectedly. It's $385 per month + electricity. When you make less than $10 an hour, that's basically your whole pay check. The day was okay.

Honestly, not as fun as the outings we usually have. I think it's because I get kind of uncomfortable in her home. Her mom has a bad attitude, and I don't think she likes me very much. We've had our ups and downs and her mom knows about them, so that may be why she isn't the biggest fan of me. But she always ends up yelling or making everything weird. She's super kind to our third musketeer, so I know that it's just something against me. I don't experience that at my house, because they all have grown to like this particular friend. My parents are very open and when they decide to make you family, you're family. I didn't experience this with a lot of my other friends, because they're awkward in general. I don't know if they have accepted this about themselves, but I have. I think its made obvious by their interaction with other friends as well.

We went and saw Book Club which is exactly what I wanted it to be. It was humorous, but basically a classic love story with a happy ending for absolutely everyone. When we were at dinner, one line from the conversation stuck out. We were talking about my relationship in little detail, because that's just how I am. She made a comment that stuck with me. She said, "you've been together through so much. Most couples don't go through that much in 5 years and you two went through it in one". That thought was on my mind all day, then I watched Red Table Talk with Gabrielle Union and Jada Pinkett Smith. Gabrielle was talking about her relationship with Dwayne Wade and she said, "The idea that a good woman or good future wife should have propensity to handle enormous amounts of pain and that's what makes you a good wife". She that that she had to redefine that notion. She said that people are not interested in pain or hurting their significant other,

I've been through a lot with my man. I don't regret it. All of it happened to humble me, bring me closer to God, show me what he was going through by going through it myself, teach me not to trust people, remind me that money gets you out of even the worst situations. The list goes on and on. I've learned and grown a lot from it. I've also cried a lot. So many tears. I wasn't ready for everything that came with a relationship. Maybe that's why God made me wait so long before sending the right person to me. I do believe that everything that we went through made us closer. Helped us grow. I appreciate everything we went through.

It's weird though, because we never got to have a honeymoon stage and just be a normal couple. I wonder how that affected us. It has made out intimacy extremely passionate from the start. That connection was always strong because we needed each other. We really do feel like one person a lot of the time, because his hurt was my hurt and my hurt was his hurt. It made our relationship stronger.

But where do we go from here? Is it okay that we feel a lot of new relationship things don't apply to us? Is it okay that we basically feel married? I don't know. But that's something I will be pondering today. It's nice to share it with you.

Song of the Day : Bonnie and Clyde by Beyonce and Jay Z

Quote of the Day : "All relationships go through hell. Real relationships get through it"

"Why not, take a crazy chance? Why not, do a crazy dance?"

Guess what's been on my mind?

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. I ended my last post saying that I would pick up my birth control pills from Walgreen, but I didn't. Because why would I get pills that keep me from my baby? To clarify, I don't just want a baby. I want a child. One that I'll love more and more each and every day. I want to be a mother. I've always wanted to be a mother. I have also always wanted to be a wife. I always pictured myself being a wife first and then a mother. But my circumstances are preventing me from doing that.

There is no way my boyfriend and I will be getting married in the next couple years. It's not because we don't love each other. It's also not because we're not ready for marriage. It already feels like we are in a marriage. We live together. We communicate with one another. We share finances even though a much heavier responsibility falls on him. We talk about career goals. We tackle all our problems together and come up with a plan to solve them together. Keep in mind I have a mini breakdown quite often. Bae has had to come up with lots of plans. Some of which are just "be still, have faith, and watch things work in your favor. The sky is not falling". He normally doesn't say the sky is not falling but that's what he means. He helps me calm down and happens to be right about everything. It's never ever as bad as I think it's going to be. We have fun with one another. A simple trip to Walmart can feel like a date, because we have so much fun with one another. He'll hide in the aisles and try to scare me or surprise me. He always sneaks cookies into the cart, even when we're dieting because cookies are important.

Update on School: I wasn't kicked out! I made the GPA that I need to stay in the program. Life is not ending. I had already started to think of my next steps and accepted the fact that I wasn't going back. This is because I was dramatic. The school had never said I would be dismissed. I just thought I would be. I tried to imagine life with a lot less money. It was stressful. I went to some job interviews and got hired right away at Home Goods. That will be my next summer adventure. I also worked my Crowd Systems job a lot more, because every penny counts. What I lost was comfort. My faith in a future I can see. But I didn't lose myself. For once, I felt like I could do something else and be happy. A career was never the only thing I wanted out of life. Love and family is what I've always wanted. It's been nice having love in my life.

I waited a long time for it. I'm happy that the hard work I put in is not going to waste. I'm happy that I get to work towards a career that will result in a job at the end of the journey. I'm happy that i'll be able to afford to pay off my student loans when the journey is over. I know that I will make a good community pharmacist. I have the knowledge, and I have the skills. I just have to go back to striving to be an A student and putting school first and foremost.

Which brings me back to my imaginary baby. The one I'm dying to make and will have a lot of fun making. The one I yearn for and think about almost all the time. Can I finish school if I chose to make a baby with the love of my life? I know it would interfere with study time and I would likely have to stop working to make time for the baby and studying. My love would have to continue to work both jobs to keep us afloat. That would leave very little time for him and the baby to spend with one another. I would be on my own. While that sounds fine to me most days, I've never taken care of a baby full time. On my own. It doesn't sound like the ideal situation.

But if I were to wait for the ideal situation, I couldn't give birth to a child until 2021. At 20121 I will be 27 years old. If I'm doing everything the way I'm supposed to, I wouldn't be able to have a child that year either. I'll need to find a job and work there for at least a year to make sure I'm stable and have insurance, savings, and everything the baby and I will need. So now I'm 28. If I waited that long, might as well get married. Let's say that the wedding happens from my savings and I'm still 28. That gives me about 7 years to make babies. A decent amount of time. But such a long wait. I'm going to be honest. I see a baby coming my way in the near future. I know that regardless I won't regret this decision. I can't regret something I want so badly despite thinking of how it'll make things harder for me. I just need this in my life. And who knows what'll happen? Maybe it'll take some time and wont happen right away. Then it'll be good that I start trying now.

Song of the day : Why Not by Hillary Duff

Quote of the Day : "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears" - Nelson Mandela

Hot Mess

This blog is where I found peace and solitude for all my middle school problems. I'm hoping that this summer, I can find it here again. My worst fear has come true, and I'm back in the same position that I was in May 2015 and December 2017. I have spent the better half of my life pursuing a certain field. How did I come to dedicate my life to this major? My parents always instilled in me that school was important. They believe that the key to a successful life is studying a field that has ample opportunity. They loved the healthcare field as I do. I like the healthcare field because you can find jobs anywhere you go. I liked the amount of zeros behind every pay check I would get. I didn't want to be poor. I wanted to live a nice lifestyle and support my parents. More than everything else, I wanted to make my parents proud.

Now I'm here. Again.

In Limbo.

Not knowing whether or not they will let me continue.

I do not like idly waiting for things to happen. I was this close to applying to 2 or 3 positions that caught my attention online today before I realized that would be opening one book before the biggest book in my life was closed.

Fearing the unknown. What if this is the end of any chance I had at success. What if all that awaits me is a low paying job and struggling to pay for an apartment month to month?

Thoughts about everything else I want in life. I have always wanted to find love and family. Maybe this chapter is ending so I can open the other chapter. Maybe I can take the love I have and hold so dearly and turn it into love in the physical form. Maybe I should have a baby. I've wanted a baby for so long. My womb yearns for it.

But am I selfish for wanting to bring a child into the mess I have made out of my life? Am I selfish for wanting a child while still being a child in the many ways that I depend on my parents? I know the answer to all those questions is yes, but if my heart wants something this bad it might be a sign. It might just be what needs to happen right now.

Or maybe I am looking for the wrong signs and the message about my birth control being ready for pick up is the real sign.

I guess when it comes to my thoughts about wanting to be a mom I have to think of it this way. I want to be the best mother can be. I want to be like my mother. My mother is kind and walks with God all the days of her life. (check. I think I'm there with this one). My mother has always been financially stable. Since I was born. (Not there with this one). I'm just going to stop there because financial stability is key. After this month, no more playing around with my birth control pills.

Keep in mind I safe that often then end up skipping anyways. Then my protection method turns into a mixture of that and the calendar method. Then I go into fears of kids not being part of God's plan for my future at all.

My life is many fears. All of it is fear of the unknown. I know that the faith of a mustard seed can move the mountains. But sometimes I worry my lack of faith isn't even the size of a mustard seed. I have struggled to talk to God through all of this. I missed two Sunday's at church which doesn't help. I missed the Sunday two weeks ago for studying and this Sunday for a friend's graduation. But missing two sunday's shouldn't be a big deal. My faith should be so strong that I view that as nothing.

Basically I'm a hot mess again. I think I'm going to relax. Work. Do things I love and wait for this dreaded dismissal email.

I can't even relax long enough to finish my post and gather my thoughts from it.

But this is where I am now.

Lost and then confused, I pray God finds me. Finds me with some good news.

"On the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright. But this thing turned out so evil, don't know why I'm still surprised"

Signs My Relationship Isn't Healthy Anymore :

1. I yell things that are going to be hurtful way more often then I should. I've called him a "Piece of Shit" at least 5 times this week.

2. Helping him isn't something I do out of the kindness of my heart anymore. I do it bregrugingly, because I don't like being with someone that isn't financially stable and can't stand on their own.

3. I don't acknowledge anything he does. He always point that out to me and it's true. But every time we go on a date, all I can think is "he's wasting his money and I'm going to have to pay his phone bill, so is it really a treat? Or is it hurting me in the long run?".

He has changed a lot since I've met him and God heard my prayers, but he was at rock bottom. Even after making progress, he doesn't seem far ahead or even where he should be. He expects me to respect him for paying $385 rent at the Reserve every month. This is an apartment shared by 5 sometimes 6 people and 3 dogs. The people that live there are filthy. I hate sitting on the couch, because there is dog hair. I hate washing my clothes, because there's dog hair in the dryer to fine to be removed by all the other lint. I hate using the kitchen, because I'm germophobic and they use our glasses and utensils. Its always dirty and the sink sink and fridge have a foul odor.

Mind you, when I met him he was homeless. So this is progress, but its not something I would consider progress. It's just basic.

4. I no longer find peace in the idea that if I get my Pharmacy degree, he'll be spending my money. It's so backwards to me. I was always the girl who wanted to marry someone and spend their money. I worry that if I Become successful then he'll stop working and just live lavishly off of me.

5. He no longer wants children with me and continues to make that very clear. He says its because we're not financially stable, but I feel like it's because he's not so sure we'll end up together anymore. He says the same thing about marriage. All long term commitments have been completely pushed back.

6. I can't help but think he's cheating. He lies about people he hangs out with (lesbian girl and the Texas woman he chats with on the internet). That means he might be lying about a whole lot more. I know how he is with woman. He basks in their attention and reels them in with his sob story. He likes to tell jokes and make people laugh. Regardless of what he says, it's flirting. I don't want a boyfriend that flirts with everyone. Way too friendly.

7. It's gotten to the point where I don't really care if he's cheating. I just want to catch him doing it, so I don't have to live in this constant place of limbo where everyone sees something that I don't.

8. I can't tell anyone about the situations, because its too embarrassing. I'm ashamed of the way I've behaved in the relationship and I'm ashamed of the way I've let him behave as well.

I know that he met with our pastor after our fight this morning. If he told him everything, then I know there's a good chance the pastor told him breaking up with me would be the best choice moving forward. Our love does not resemble the christian romances or my idea of a christian romance. I feel like they don't fight the way we do. They have too much respect for one another. Our love isn't patient, kind, or slow to anger. It doesn't always delight in the truth. Instead of moving towards that kind of relationship, I feel like we're moving away from it.

I would be heartbroken if he chose to break up with me tonight. I really do love him and care or him. We've had good moments and been through a lot together. More than I've been through with anyone else. I've been stuck on this article about how you have 3 loves in your lifetime. I can't tell if he's number 2 or number 3. I hope God continues to open my eyes and show me the things I need to see.

2017 : A Year in Review

January 

As we know, January 2017 was a month that changed my life. A little after midnight on the 1st, I met my boyfriend and the man that I will be with the rest of my life. God brought us together in the weirdest of places, but we were meant to find each other. Ass Jamz is where our love story began. The first two days of our relationship went without a hitch and he texted me super cute good morning messages, called at 7:00am, and just did all the right things. Before the week was over, things fell apart. He found out there was a warrant for his arrest and it completely changed the course of our relationship.

I got to meet his family and he got to meet mine. I thought it was going really well at first. His mom was opening up to me about things I didn't think she would. She told me about the town A grew up in and about her family. She told me about her own struggle with love. It was clear she was devoted to her granddaughter and went to the library to get her new books and movies. They read Dr. Seuss books before bed and when I told A's niece that A Wocket in My Pocket used to be my favorite, she knew exactly what I was talking about. It was going well. His sister's was different. She stopped whatever she was doing every hour or so to smoke. She had a friend over with her child. I happened to know her friend from middle school, but didn't know whether she would recognize me or not. I didn't talk much there. Just whispers to A. We took the five love languages quiz and got the same results. We ate cupcakes and watched the episode of their cousin on Murry or Jerry Springer.

With the warrant hanging over his head, A considered running away. He had a ticket and everything, but the night before he left I begged him not to leave. His mom pleaded with him as well telling him that he has nothing to worry about and won't be found guilty of a crime he didn't commit. He chose to stay. He says he stayed for me. That really changed our relationship. I realized that I was important to him and that what he had with me was more important than anything else going on in his life. He was arrested shortly after and a lot of family drama arised. I stuck by him through that and even assisted in the process of bailing him out. He promised me he would change. In some ways he did, but in other ways he didn't. He was a work in progress and homeless. I let him secretly stay with me and he spent a couple weeks sneaking through the window until we finally got our financial situation right and moved into a new space.

My friend and I fulfilled our dreams of going on a double date together. It actually went well. The night started at Applebees and we each got the 2 for 20s. After Applebees, we went over to her boyfriend's apartment and hung out a little longer. All of them smoked and I didn't.

February 

I don't want to make this whole blog about bae, but he was a big part of everything. I got to experience my first Valentine's Day as a taken woman. Bae has no patience, so he gave me my gift the day before. I got flowers and chocolate cake. I got him polo socks and his favorite candy (skittles and starburst). He also took me to see 50 Shades of Grey. I returned the favor by taking him out to dinner. We tried to go to Longhorn at the Legends, but the line was way too long. We ended up settling on Yard House and had some delicious chicken and potato dish.

I started experiencing a lot of drama with my newly initiated sorority sisters. Me and the other older girl in the chapter were over everything. We had given the sorority way too much. I showed up 20 minutes late to a meeting one week which put everyone on edge. Me and the other girl didn't go to Meet the Greeks. I didn't think it would be a big deal since all of the women had attended the event before and I provided them with all the supplies they need. One girl ended up crying, because she looked up to me and felt that I would be a guide to her in the chapter but wasn't. I never apologized for not attending the event (because I didn't feel bad). Our relationship was never the same and the whole sorority was rocky after that point in time.

March

This was a good month, because I felt like I could finally start doing things for myself again. I got my hair braided and attended a male pageant. I also got to celebrate my little cousin's sweet sixteen with her. I went out to a club and went to a couple Karaoke Nights. Karaoke night was legendary, because I enjoyed hearing J sign Big Green Tractor every. single. time. Sometimes we would sign the cheetah girls as a group or anyone who really called our names. It was free spirited and I preferred the crowd to the Saturday Night people.

Bae participated in his first karaoke moment. We sang Dilemma together. You couldn't really hear us, but we had a good time together and that's all that matters. His case was dismissed and we believed that this would finally be the end of all those nerve wracking court dates and meetings with the lawyer.

I watched the movie Fences. Went out to eat with my high school friend group a lot. Went to a probate. Basically, I dove back into my regular pre-stress life and things were going fairly well in my relationship. Life was beautiful.

April 

I started off April by meeting the great Nikki Giovanni. It is absolutely amazing how many great opportunities KU has provided me with. In my time there, I have seen former presidents and countless notable people. I enjoyed hearing her speak and learning more about her. I also had the honor of a special sorority sister moment with her.

My lover and I discovered our love for bowling and went often. We also went on a memorable date to Dave and Busters.

I celebrated my friends 23rd birthday. I took a whole day off work and skipped school to watch her sky dive. It was a very exciting experience. I did my best to make sure she felt special and knew that had my undivided attention that day. Following sky diving, she was really excited to post the video they made for her. It was in a weird format, so we had to go to a library in the KC area in order to convert it. It took a long time, but I was right there with her while she did it. We then went to Boling's and I paid for her birthday lunch. We shopped around a little at Zona Rosa and then met up with our other friend J (not big green tractor J, but blue J). We ended the night at the Cheesecake Factory and I was exhausted. She had wanted to go clubbing, but I told her from the beginning that I likely wouldn't attend that. All her other friends bailed as well and she was upset. That's when she went off about how it isn't been a good day. She said that I spent the entire day talking about my boyfriend and she didn't like that. It hurt me, because she was the only person I was sharing my joy with regarding the relationship. It also hurt me because I spent the last 3 years listening to her talk about the same man for hours at a time. For me, that was one of the big moment where the friendship changed.

I celebrated my third deltaversay.

We lost Chapter of the Year to my enemies the year that I was president. I'll never get over it. But we had a successful delta week.

May

By the time finals week had arrived, it was clear that my grades were not what they needed to be. I was in trouble. I hadn't been putting in 100% and had some bad professors. I was trying everything to not end up on academic probation that semester. I believed that if I met the cumulative GPA then the semester GPA wouldn't matter. I was wrong and placed on academic probation.

GRADUATION!! I feel like I didn't even get time to soak in the joy of this big accomplishment. I celebrate the completion of my Bachelor of Arts degree in Human Biology. While I still had 2 classes to go, I was close to the finish line. I got to celebrate this momentous moment with my cousin who has been by my side since kindergarden. It was a very proud day for our family all around the world. My parents came to America so that their kids could have a better life. We fulfilled their dream. We worked hard and took the steps to make a better life for ourselves. I thank God for guiding me. The degree represented the end of a dark period of time for me. When I was kicked out of pharmacy school, I had no idea what I was doing with myself. I didn't know what to enroll in. I found myself in a mixture of courses for a bunch of different majors. I had two new jobs. The blessing was that 3 of my courses were with one of my new coworkers. In casual conversation, I asked her what her major is. She said her major was Human biology and I decided that mine would be too. Who would have thought that I would stick with it and complete it.

It wouldn't be my life if there wasn't a little drama. My friend made a scene and upset me by throwing it in my face that she came to my graduation. I know she meant well, but she didn't want to share her time with my boyfriend. It was quickly turning into a me vs. him thing that never should have started. He chose not to attend my graduation. Ended up getting hungover one of the days and working the other day. It broke my heart, because I had been there for him through all the highs and lows and he missed the moment that will be my pride and joy forever.

A got in legal trouble again. I can't call him bae when I'm upset with him. I was called into the police station and so was he. I realized that maybe everyone was right and people really don't change. I started to fear for myself, because I didn't want to interact with law enforcement. It changed the whole course of our relationship and year. This was the dark cloud that hung over us.

I started my internship. It went well, but I was tired and my feet hurt all the time.

Top 15 Songs of 2017

Hello loves,

It's been awhile since I wrote on here. My last few posts were coming from a place of anger and insecurity. I'm glad to be coming from a better place. Although it still feels like my entire life is crumbling apart, I'm more optimistic than ever. My faith in God lets me know that everything is going to be okay. He has a plan for my life so big and grand that even I can't mess it up.

1. Despacito by Daddy Yanke ft. Justin Bieber
2. It Ain't Me by Kygo & Selena Gomez
3. Say You Won't Let Go by Jame Arthur : It was the 2nd or 3rd day of my relationship with Antwane. I was at work filing and discovering new music. I texted him this song and told him to listen to it. He said he liked music like that and was willing to watch romantic comedies. Lets just say the first time we watched the notebook he fell asleep. When we went to 50 Shades for Valentine's Day, he fell asleep again. It wasn't really his thing.
4. Perfect by Ed Sheeran
5. Wild Thoughts by DJ Khalid ft. Rihanna
6. Push It On Me by Chocolate Droppa ft. Trey Songz
7. Do I Make You Wanna by Billy Currington : This was my song on the drives back and forth from Johnson County Community College. It was 2 hours Monday - Thursday. I would play this song and sing along to the radio at the top of my lungs. I also played this song when making drives to  visit A in Leavenworth.
8. Madiba Riddim by Drake : I loved, loved, loved the South African Beats. It was everything.
9. Sleep Without You by Brett Young
10. In Case You Didn't Know by Brett Young : These words described the love I felt throughout 2017. I had found my other half.
11. iSpy by Kyle ft. Lil Yachty : "I ain't been getting high. Well maybe a little baby, I don't want to lie. I know when you text me that I don't always reply. You know you're not angel baby, you can't even fly...fly". Can't count how many times me and bae sang this song through the year.
12. The Cure by Lady Gaga
13. I Could Use a Love Song by Maren Morris
14. Ride by SoMo
15. Still Got Time by Zayn


Praise and Worship Songs that encouraged me this year:
1. I'm Getting Ready by Tasha Cobb
2. Break Every Chain by Tasha Cobb
3. O'Lord by Lauren Dagel
4. Old Church Choir by Zack Williams
5. In Control by Hillsong
6. What a Beautiful Name it is by Hillsong

The Song I Re-discovered This Year :
Feels like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk : This song made me sad every time I heard it for years. That was because it was in the last beach seen of My Sister's Keeper when the mother finally accepts that her child will die and does her best to enjoy their last moments together. I was at El Potro with A and this song was someone's ring tone. I couldn't contain my excitement, so he took the phone and asked Siri what song it is. It ended up being Feels Like Home.

Top African Songs

1. Marry You by Diamond Platiumz ft. Neyo
2. Bank Alert by P Square

Honorable Mention
1. Cool On You by Ampichino & Berner : A and I listened to this song all the time in the beginning of our relationship. The beat is so catchy even though the words are questionable. I suggested BS listen to this song. She ended up trying to listen to it at work and quickly had to turn down the volume.
2. In My Feelings by Kevin Gates : This song is currently A's Special ringtone for me.