I hope this post finds you happy, healthy, wealthy, and surrounded by people that love you. Cherish them. Tell them you love them. Hug them extra tight. Each and every moment with those we love counts. I opened up this blog to write some posts today. I found one that I hadn't posted. On the post I talked about how happy I had been to go visit a friend and go to their house party. I talked about how beautiful her home was and how it matched the artsy vibe that I expected it to. I didn't go into detail. The day of this particular house warming party, I showed up on time! I was excited. It had been awhile since I had spent time with friends. I'm normally the cheap friend that doesn't get gifts, but I decided to this time. I went to HomeGoods and purchased a bag, paper, some awesome women's environment coasters, and a candle. My love dropped me off in front of the house. I texted her to let her know that I was there and she came down the stairs and got me. We walked up together and she said "this is my place" or something along those lines. She had the place fully furnished with pretty colorful items and mismatched furniture. I specifically remember a purple coach, a picture on the wall with the world map. She had colored in all the different countries that she had been to on it, and it couldn't have been more impressive. She also had an ikea shelf that she put together with little plants. I thought they were cute and asked if they were real. She said they were. That's how I knew she had reached a new level in adulthood. She had plants! I was really happy for her. Really proud of how far she had come.
At that particular housewarming party, we had decided that we missed getting together and should do it more. She suggested getting together the first weekend of every month, because this party happened to be the first weekend of September. When the first weekend of October rolled around, we had made plans to get together but then had to cancel. My angel friends grandma had passed away. A month and a week from that day, all of us reunited at a another friends housewarming party. I don't know why, but I wasn't in the mood to go the day of the house party. I was sleepy and feeling lazy. The friend that I was going to ride with wasn't sure how she felt about going anymore. We somehow ended up convincing each other to go. I woke up from my nap late, but got ready immediately after. My friend O. got ready as well. We took pictures outside of the car and then headed off to Kansas City. We were hungry and stopped at the Cheesecake Factory despite already being late. I had a delicious four cheese pasta with chicken. When we finished dinner, we drove over to my friends house. We walked upstairs and found four of our friends there. We all gave each other hugs and got to chat for a little while. We talked about how great our other friends place is. They asked if O. and I planned on going clubbing after the party. We said yes, but never did actually make it out the door. I remember my angel friend from the 1st house party telling me that I had to go see the painting the hostess had hung in her room. My angel friend said she was tired, because she had spent the day at her grandma's funeral. It had been a long day and she wanted to rest. We took a photo and we had talked about how a lot of us were wearing black. She said "of course, I'm wearing red". We hugged each other goodbye.
I had no idea that that would be the last time I see my angel friend. I had reached out to her twice in between her grandma's passing and that Saturday. I specifically remember saying that I know we expect our grandparents to pass away in our lifetime, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. I told her to reach out to me if she needed to get out of the house. This happened to be the weekend of fall break. I had set all my dr.'s and eye doctors appointments for the following Monday. I was driving to the parking garage when I got a call from a friend who never calls me. I figured that she was downtown and had seen me walking. I turned into the parking garage and decided to give her a call back. When I answered the phone, her and my other friend were together. They told me that they were at KU Med. They told me that they had gotten a call from our Angel friends mom the night before. She told them that early Sunday afternoon, our friend had a brain aneurysm. Not even a week after her 25th birthday. She started seizing and was taken to the emergency room. They wanted to life flight her to KU Med, but it was raining that day and they couldn't do it. They eventually put her in an ambulance and took her to the hospital. Late Sunday night she took her last breath. She was on life support. They believed that she was brain dead and would confirm it with a test that afternoon. Her mom said that we were all welcome to go and say goodbye.
I was shocked. I had to asked to her to say it all again, because I couldn't process it. We were just together two days prior. She was fine. Tired but fine. I told them that I would be there as soon as I can. I started tearing up and called my mom and let out a good cry. We then coordinated going to KU Med. We were all by her side within a two hour period. All together again, but not in the way we wanted to be. I'll never forget her on that hospital bed. Someone that always had so much life was lifeless. We sat next to her and talked to her for a little bit then she went off to get her final test. We walked to iHop and all had lunch together, but it felt wrong. We were missing someone. When we got back we saw her sisters tearing up in the waiting room. Eventually one of them came over to all of us and said that the test showed no brain activity. Our beautiful angel was no longer alive.
The next few days were filled with tears and shock. When I went to give her mom a hug goodbye that Monday, she said "Oh Mariam. She loved you so much.". I loved her too. I hope she knew that and hope she can still feel that love now that shes in a better place. I didn't think I could handle going back to the hospital. She was supposed to be taken off life support on Wednesday and that day I didn't go. But she waited for me. They ended up removing her from life support early Friday morning and we were all with her again Thursday night. We shared all the things we loved about her. I was in the room with all her closest family.We cried. There were so many tears. Towards the end of the night her dad asked if we would like some time along with her. We said we didn't at first but he knew we needed it. It was a very emotional time. Our final moments as a complete friend group. I couldn't stop crying when I left the room for the last time. I got a hug from her childhood friend and it just made me cry harder. She was giving hugs to anyone and everyone that needs one. Eventually all us friends, her mom and aunt group hugged. We cried and cried and cried and comforted each other. Then we did the hokey pokey, because even on our hardest days God bring love, joy, and comfort. Even if its just for a second. Her mom talked about how we should block the hospital door when they try to take her to her organ donation therapy. They can't have her. I felt that with my whole soul. I didn't want to lose a friend and I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.
I am still grieving and will continue to grieve her loss for the rest of my life. We spent 11 years in each others lives. I am grateful for grieving, because grieving is the price we pay for love. If I had to choose between never meeting her and never feeling this loss or getting to know her until her last dying moment, I would still pick knowing her until her last dying moment. I am writing about this here, because this blog is my story. I have ran here with all my lowest moments and some of my higher moments to. This loss is part of my story and she used to read this blog. Rest in Peace Angel Friend. You were too good for this world.
Song of the Day : Swim by Jacks Mannequin
Quote of the Day : "Grief is the last ace of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love"
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