"On the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright. But this thing turned out so evil, don't know why I'm still surprised"

Signs My Relationship Isn't Healthy Anymore :

1. I yell things that are going to be hurtful way more often then I should. I've called him a "Piece of Shit" at least 5 times this week.

2. Helping him isn't something I do out of the kindness of my heart anymore. I do it bregrugingly, because I don't like being with someone that isn't financially stable and can't stand on their own.

3. I don't acknowledge anything he does. He always point that out to me and it's true. But every time we go on a date, all I can think is "he's wasting his money and I'm going to have to pay his phone bill, so is it really a treat? Or is it hurting me in the long run?".

He has changed a lot since I've met him and God heard my prayers, but he was at rock bottom. Even after making progress, he doesn't seem far ahead or even where he should be. He expects me to respect him for paying $385 rent at the Reserve every month. This is an apartment shared by 5 sometimes 6 people and 3 dogs. The people that live there are filthy. I hate sitting on the couch, because there is dog hair. I hate washing my clothes, because there's dog hair in the dryer to fine to be removed by all the other lint. I hate using the kitchen, because I'm germophobic and they use our glasses and utensils. Its always dirty and the sink sink and fridge have a foul odor.

Mind you, when I met him he was homeless. So this is progress, but its not something I would consider progress. It's just basic.

4. I no longer find peace in the idea that if I get my Pharmacy degree, he'll be spending my money. It's so backwards to me. I was always the girl who wanted to marry someone and spend their money. I worry that if I Become successful then he'll stop working and just live lavishly off of me.

5. He no longer wants children with me and continues to make that very clear. He says its because we're not financially stable, but I feel like it's because he's not so sure we'll end up together anymore. He says the same thing about marriage. All long term commitments have been completely pushed back.

6. I can't help but think he's cheating. He lies about people he hangs out with (lesbian girl and the Texas woman he chats with on the internet). That means he might be lying about a whole lot more. I know how he is with woman. He basks in their attention and reels them in with his sob story. He likes to tell jokes and make people laugh. Regardless of what he says, it's flirting. I don't want a boyfriend that flirts with everyone. Way too friendly.

7. It's gotten to the point where I don't really care if he's cheating. I just want to catch him doing it, so I don't have to live in this constant place of limbo where everyone sees something that I don't.

8. I can't tell anyone about the situations, because its too embarrassing. I'm ashamed of the way I've behaved in the relationship and I'm ashamed of the way I've let him behave as well.

I know that he met with our pastor after our fight this morning. If he told him everything, then I know there's a good chance the pastor told him breaking up with me would be the best choice moving forward. Our love does not resemble the christian romances or my idea of a christian romance. I feel like they don't fight the way we do. They have too much respect for one another. Our love isn't patient, kind, or slow to anger. It doesn't always delight in the truth. Instead of moving towards that kind of relationship, I feel like we're moving away from it.

I would be heartbroken if he chose to break up with me tonight. I really do love him and care or him. We've had good moments and been through a lot together. More than I've been through with anyone else. I've been stuck on this article about how you have 3 loves in your lifetime. I can't tell if he's number 2 or number 3. I hope God continues to open my eyes and show me the things I need to see.