Hot Mess

This blog is where I found peace and solitude for all my middle school problems. I'm hoping that this summer, I can find it here again. My worst fear has come true, and I'm back in the same position that I was in May 2015 and December 2017. I have spent the better half of my life pursuing a certain field. How did I come to dedicate my life to this major? My parents always instilled in me that school was important. They believe that the key to a successful life is studying a field that has ample opportunity. They loved the healthcare field as I do. I like the healthcare field because you can find jobs anywhere you go. I liked the amount of zeros behind every pay check I would get. I didn't want to be poor. I wanted to live a nice lifestyle and support my parents. More than everything else, I wanted to make my parents proud.

Now I'm here. Again.

In Limbo.

Not knowing whether or not they will let me continue.

I do not like idly waiting for things to happen. I was this close to applying to 2 or 3 positions that caught my attention online today before I realized that would be opening one book before the biggest book in my life was closed.

Fearing the unknown. What if this is the end of any chance I had at success. What if all that awaits me is a low paying job and struggling to pay for an apartment month to month?

Thoughts about everything else I want in life. I have always wanted to find love and family. Maybe this chapter is ending so I can open the other chapter. Maybe I can take the love I have and hold so dearly and turn it into love in the physical form. Maybe I should have a baby. I've wanted a baby for so long. My womb yearns for it.

But am I selfish for wanting to bring a child into the mess I have made out of my life? Am I selfish for wanting a child while still being a child in the many ways that I depend on my parents? I know the answer to all those questions is yes, but if my heart wants something this bad it might be a sign. It might just be what needs to happen right now.

Or maybe I am looking for the wrong signs and the message about my birth control being ready for pick up is the real sign.

I guess when it comes to my thoughts about wanting to be a mom I have to think of it this way. I want to be the best mother can be. I want to be like my mother. My mother is kind and walks with God all the days of her life. (check. I think I'm there with this one). My mother has always been financially stable. Since I was born. (Not there with this one). I'm just going to stop there because financial stability is key. After this month, no more playing around with my birth control pills.

Keep in mind I safe that often then end up skipping anyways. Then my protection method turns into a mixture of that and the calendar method. Then I go into fears of kids not being part of God's plan for my future at all.

My life is many fears. All of it is fear of the unknown. I know that the faith of a mustard seed can move the mountains. But sometimes I worry my lack of faith isn't even the size of a mustard seed. I have struggled to talk to God through all of this. I missed two Sunday's at church which doesn't help. I missed the Sunday two weeks ago for studying and this Sunday for a friend's graduation. But missing two sunday's shouldn't be a big deal. My faith should be so strong that I view that as nothing.

Basically I'm a hot mess again. I think I'm going to relax. Work. Do things I love and wait for this dreaded dismissal email.

I can't even relax long enough to finish my post and gather my thoughts from it.

But this is where I am now.

Lost and then confused, I pray God finds me. Finds me with some good news.