"Why not, take a crazy chance? Why not, do a crazy dance?"

Guess what's been on my mind?

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. I ended my last post saying that I would pick up my birth control pills from Walgreen, but I didn't. Because why would I get pills that keep me from my baby? To clarify, I don't just want a baby. I want a child. One that I'll love more and more each and every day. I want to be a mother. I've always wanted to be a mother. I have also always wanted to be a wife. I always pictured myself being a wife first and then a mother. But my circumstances are preventing me from doing that.

There is no way my boyfriend and I will be getting married in the next couple years. It's not because we don't love each other. It's also not because we're not ready for marriage. It already feels like we are in a marriage. We live together. We communicate with one another. We share finances even though a much heavier responsibility falls on him. We talk about career goals. We tackle all our problems together and come up with a plan to solve them together. Keep in mind I have a mini breakdown quite often. Bae has had to come up with lots of plans. Some of which are just "be still, have faith, and watch things work in your favor. The sky is not falling". He normally doesn't say the sky is not falling but that's what he means. He helps me calm down and happens to be right about everything. It's never ever as bad as I think it's going to be. We have fun with one another. A simple trip to Walmart can feel like a date, because we have so much fun with one another. He'll hide in the aisles and try to scare me or surprise me. He always sneaks cookies into the cart, even when we're dieting because cookies are important.

Update on School: I wasn't kicked out! I made the GPA that I need to stay in the program. Life is not ending. I had already started to think of my next steps and accepted the fact that I wasn't going back. This is because I was dramatic. The school had never said I would be dismissed. I just thought I would be. I tried to imagine life with a lot less money. It was stressful. I went to some job interviews and got hired right away at Home Goods. That will be my next summer adventure. I also worked my Crowd Systems job a lot more, because every penny counts. What I lost was comfort. My faith in a future I can see. But I didn't lose myself. For once, I felt like I could do something else and be happy. A career was never the only thing I wanted out of life. Love and family is what I've always wanted. It's been nice having love in my life.

I waited a long time for it. I'm happy that the hard work I put in is not going to waste. I'm happy that I get to work towards a career that will result in a job at the end of the journey. I'm happy that i'll be able to afford to pay off my student loans when the journey is over. I know that I will make a good community pharmacist. I have the knowledge, and I have the skills. I just have to go back to striving to be an A student and putting school first and foremost.

Which brings me back to my imaginary baby. The one I'm dying to make and will have a lot of fun making. The one I yearn for and think about almost all the time. Can I finish school if I chose to make a baby with the love of my life? I know it would interfere with study time and I would likely have to stop working to make time for the baby and studying. My love would have to continue to work both jobs to keep us afloat. That would leave very little time for him and the baby to spend with one another. I would be on my own. While that sounds fine to me most days, I've never taken care of a baby full time. On my own. It doesn't sound like the ideal situation.

But if I were to wait for the ideal situation, I couldn't give birth to a child until 2021. At 20121 I will be 27 years old. If I'm doing everything the way I'm supposed to, I wouldn't be able to have a child that year either. I'll need to find a job and work there for at least a year to make sure I'm stable and have insurance, savings, and everything the baby and I will need. So now I'm 28. If I waited that long, might as well get married. Let's say that the wedding happens from my savings and I'm still 28. That gives me about 7 years to make babies. A decent amount of time. But such a long wait. I'm going to be honest. I see a baby coming my way in the near future. I know that regardless I won't regret this decision. I can't regret something I want so badly despite thinking of how it'll make things harder for me. I just need this in my life. And who knows what'll happen? Maybe it'll take some time and wont happen right away. Then it'll be good that I start trying now.

Song of the day : Why Not by Hillary Duff

Quote of the Day : "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears" - Nelson Mandela