"Sometimes I'm lazy I get bored. I get scared; I feel ignored"

I'm in a relationship, but continue to feel alone. There is truth to what people say about having to be whole within before you pursue something with someone else. I met my boyfriend during what was the beginning of a new me. December was when I had stopped talking to everyone I was serious about the previous year. I was having extremely casual conversations with some men in greek life and guys I met on app. I was finally not trying to go crazy with my hair and make up. I was natural a majority of the time. I was just me. But honestly, a couple weeks probably wasn't enough time to become as healthy as I needed to be for all the problems that came our way.

Yesterday, the child was born. The child that may or may not be his. Believe it or not, that caused nothing but problems. I thought we had until the 29th before all of this became a reality but life doesn't work like that. I was upset, because my boyfriend was 20 minutes late picking me up from school. He had claimed he was "on the way" way before that so I sent him a test that said "the lie detector test determined, that is a lieeee". In my mind I was thinking of Maury and Jerry Springer when I sent it to him but didn't realize our real life Jerry Springer episode had begun. He said, "I may not have passed that test, but I passed another one?". I asked, "did you pass your driving test?". He said "No". I asked "which test?" and he said "this one" and showed me a picture. The picture was of a tiny baby that the girl who tried to burn the bathroom down in 7th grade had. This girl is who my boyfriend was fucking right before me. According to him, the baby was white and had blond eye brown hairs which means that it could not be him. I couldn't find the blond eye brow hairs in the picture. I sent it to my cousin, and she couldn't either. In that moment, I really wished I had my old friend back because we could have examined the picture for hours and determined whether there were similarities or not. But she is going through a lot of drama of her own also involving babies. Plus I don't feel like talking to her about my life. All that it would do is prove that she was right about everything. That I settled for less and would deal with the consequences of settling if I stayed in this relationship.

The possibly good news is that the mother of the child did not contact him to tell him she was going into labor or to tell him that the child had been born. She also blocked him from Facebook so that he couldn't see her page. This girl has an extremely low IQ and is immature. It's possible that she just didn't want to have the difficult conversation with him. The one where she would explain that the baby is not his and she's known the entire time based on when they last had sexual intercourse. I just want the whole thing to be over. I've wanted it to be over for a long time now. The only way for it to really be over is for him to take a paternity test and for the results to be negative. He called the local hospital and they said he would have to schedule a paternity test. The results would not come in for 4 weeks. His friend told him it could be longer than that. He wants me to let him handle it. A majority of how he plans to handle it involves him getting to win against his mother and his sister. That's all he really cares about. Revenge against them. I can't really understand, because I was blessed with a mother who has shown me nothing but love.

In the midst of all of this was a lot of fighting between my boyfriend and I. Lots and lots of fighting. He still sees me being upset by the situation and wanting him to take a paternity test as me not trusting him and thinking the baby is his. I think that me not thinking the baby is his AND not thinking the baby isn't him is the smartest thing to do at this point because we don't really don't. If you ask me, babies don't really look like anyway. They're all cute and pinkish. Just because the baby is lighter than they would have expected it to be doesn't mean anything. I trash talked the women, and he got upset saying that I was really just mad that they had sex. He got upset because I ask too many questions and can't let things go. All he wants to do is stop talking about it. How the hell do you stop talking about the fact that you might be a father? That there's a little girl with a ratchet name and mama that might be stuck to you for the next 18 years. To make matters better, the girl is homeless and her mother is homeless as well. The mother was kicked out of her apartment. These people live the bottom of the barrel lifestyle.  A kind of poor I know I'll never have to know (In Jesus Name. Money come to me now). He still refuses to talk about it. I'm sitting in a room with him right now. He's eating cereal and playing NBA 2K. He literally gets mad at me for talking. Often. He doesn't want to talk. He also doesn't want to cuddle as much as I do. I want to cuddle every day and not just in bed. I feel like cuddling should happen often. I want kisses and hugs and so many things that he gives but not often. He doesn't need any of those things.

Don't even get me started on how far in debt I am because of this man. My life is bad. I can easily see leaving and finding someone who has more money and is uglier. Then they would be more grateful to have me and wouldn't always silence me. Maybe they would try to give me the things that I want and say I need. I just don't have that with him. When I remember the decent times I want to stick with it. I still feel in love with him. Maybe men just suck and this is as good as it gets. At least he wants to commit to me and wants a monogamous relationship with me. I haven't had anyone else want that before. I'm also extremely fat now so that minimizes the people that would come my way anyway. So basically, life is a big pile of shit. That's all. Pray for me or don't.

Song of the day : Ordinary Girl by Hannah Montanna

quote of the day : Most importantly love like it's the only thing you know how. At the end of the day, all of this means nothing. This page. Where you're sitting. Your degree. Your job. The money. Nothing even matters except love and human connection. Who you loved and how deeply you loved them. How you touched the people around you and how much you gave them.

"People got, they got me questioning : where is the love?"

Feelings, emotions, the work. All of that is what I bring and pour out here. I'm happy in a relationship. Really happy. My boyfriend makes me happy when skies are grey. We've almost been together for a year and overcome every hurdle you could ever imagine. The things that I for sure thought would break us didn't. It gave us a strong, loving relationship that I thank God for. He's my everything. The cream to my oreo cookie. The frosting to my cupcake. My light in the darkness. The only one I never get tired of spending time with. The person I love waking up and falling asleep next to. My everything. I'm so happy I found him. With feelings of love as much as these comes a protective side that I could have never imagined. I don't want him to get hurt or messed with by other people at all. I know what he's already been through and the thought of him going through more breaks my heart. What sucks about this particular situation are the people I feel I have to protect him from are his own family members. Family is everything to me. I have a pretty tight nit family with my parents, brother, aunt and uncle. There are lots of cousins that are basically family. All my aunts and uncles are people I can be real with. They know me and love me just the way I am. I understand that this kind of relationship is hard to find anywhere else. You only get one family and those are the people you want to be with. Because that feeling is something everyone needs. Not to mention the holidays are coming up. I know he wants to be with them for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I would love for him to feel like my family is his family, but I can tell that thats just not there yet. He isn't extremely comfortable around any of my family members. It also doesn't help that we're African. There will be no dirty rice or stuffing at our Thanksgiving dinner. He'll be lucky if there is macaroni and cheese or mashed potatoes.

When I think about holidays and things like that, it becomes clear that he needs them. I get it. But every time he trusts them or lets them in, even when he thinks they're not the enemy...they become that. They prove him wrong. He breaks because it hurts more when the one who hurt you is the one that is close to you. His brother recently stepped back in to his life. He claimed that he wasn't associating with his other family members either, but I knew in my soul that that was a lie. I had the opportunity to let it play out and make him learn from himself, but everythings on facebook. I couldn't help but get the answers I need. Within the first post, it was clear that he still had a relationship with them. Because his family members are the kind of people that put everything on social media, it's easy to see what they're up to. I decided to send him what I saw, but have mixed feelings about it. Maybe I was wrong for doing that. Maybe I should have let him try it and find out what it really is for himself. Maybe I should have just not said anything and he could go on building a delusional relationship with his brother but at least feel like he has family or someone he can lean on close by. He hasn't responded to my message, and I am incredibly worried that I interfered with family stuff that was none of my business. But I would want someone to do that for me. Make me see the obvious. I lost a friend the same way trying to make her see these things about her baby daddy. Now I don't say anything. I saw that he was in town and don't know if she knows, but just didn't say anything. I let it be. I build a lot of friendships and relationships because I'm a good listener and here all the stories. But then knowing all this stuff makes me protective of them. I just don't want to cross the line or appear to be the women keeping a man from his family.

He got invited to his nieces birthday party. He wants to go. Do I want him to go? No, because his other evil family members who talk behind his back and smile at his face will be there. Also because his family members haven't said the nicest things to me. They've hurt my feelings to the point of me crying plenty of times before. There are also at least 2 women my boyfriend has sex with on the invite list. Both will likely come, because it's rare they get invited to anything at all. We should really say 2 and counting, because he was with his fair share of people before me. I just don't feel comfortable around those, excuse my language, bitches. But I would never keep him from it. I would give him a ride and help him pick out a present. His niece is the high end of what I think is the perfect age groups with little girls. They start to appreciate purses, lip glosses, and Claire's club stuff while still loving dolls and everything that makes kids kids. So if he goes, I get to pick the gift and wrap it. I will definitely be praying over the entire situation. Thank goodness for an opportunity to put my thoughts into the world. This blog gives me life.

Kids Say the Darnest Things

Adulthood is weird. It's the weirdest part of my life so far. I've always known that people put an emphasis on how honest children are. I never really stopped to think that that emphasis exists because most people aren't so honest. This is one of the first years that I've experienced how closed off people are. It's the first year that I've become semi closed off myself. I experienced some life changing news and instead of turning to my friends or texting people around me right away, I've kept it to myself. The only people that are aware are my boyfriend, aunt, and parents. I've managed to stay relatively fake in all other situations, but I am avoiding some things. People from school keep wanting to be friends and I'm not interested. Like I want to work on school stuff together and help each other out, but I hate that that means having to listen to them talk and complain about their personal lives. The experience I'm having with the classmate kind of just emphasized my decision to keep more things to myself. Everyone is carrying a burden of some sort. Sometimes the burden is too heavy for them to carry theirs and yours. Sometime they don't know you well enough to be able to give you the honest truth, opinions, or really do more than just listen. That's what I mostly do. Listen and respond with positivity whenever I can. I do this, because I know how important it is for people to have someone to listen. Everyone wants someone who can understand. My classmate and I have being a first generation American in common. To be honest, it's not something I think about that often. I feel as American as everyone else most days.  I love my african culture and it's a big part of me, because I chose to make it a big part of me. A lot of my counterparts choose to ignore their heritage. They don't speak the language or learn about where they came from, because their roots are here. I can completely understand that. I definitely relate more to people here than there. I relate to first generation africans the most though.

I got off subject but the point was I feel like adulthood is full of a lot of lies. I know for a fact my friends are going through some things and they don't really feel comfortable talking to anyone about them. It makes me sad that they don't see me as someone they can open up to. Mostly because them closing off makes me closed off too. But this is out of my control. I have to learn to be independent. I'm very friend dependent. I always like having people to lean on and share my life with. Experience things with. But at the end of the day it's my life. I'm experiencing it. No one  else is feeling what I feel or seeing the world through my eyes. So I have to be okay with experiencing it as just me.

"Know That Chick on Part One I Told Y'all I Was Creeping With? Said She's Three Months Pregnant and She's Keeping It.

I have a lot of thoughts in my head and no one to share them with. That's one of the biggest problems I'm facing now. I have my boyfriend, who I do talk about almost everything with. The problem is talking to him about him leaves me confused. I'm plagued with the whole idea that he has a baby on the way. He continues to insist that he doesn't, but I know men. Men let you down. If he didn't let me down, i'll know that he's a real keeper. I'll feel silly for being so skeptical and not wearing my heart completely on my sleeve. But if he lied and it is his child, I'll at least not fall so far into shock. If you've read my previous posts (especially about Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union), you would know that I don't like cheating. I hate it. I also don't like the idea of having someone else's kids as a part of my life unless it's through adoption. The reason I don't like this idea is because then the mother of that child has to be in my life too. I don't want to sign up for that. I'm a jealous individual and would not like the interaction between my man and his baby mama. Especially the baby mama that my man supposedly has. I've thought she was trash since middle school. Not the kind of person I want in my family.

My boyfriend insists that it's not his baby. He insists this based on a couple different factors. 1. Explicit details about the sex they had. 2. The fact that he tried to have a baby in the past and didn't succeed. 3. The fact that he smokes a lot, so his sperm count should have been low (this excuse in completely invalid. Every pot head I know has a child). 4. The last time the had sex was on Christmas Eve and the baby isn't due until October 29th. That is over nine months. Even when you calculate pregnancy as 40 weeks instead of 37 weeks, it's not his baby (Yes, I did the math.). It just sucks that I won't have a definite answer until the baby is actually born. That's two more months of this whole ordeal lingering in the back of my mind. It's hurting my relationship, because it's only added to my already extreme trust issues. I bring up the baby, it's mother, and hypothetical situations all the time. I have made it clear that if the baby is his, I am leaving him. That also hurts him because it means that my love isn't fully unconditional. He said that if I was having a baby with someone else, he would stick with me. He wouldn't care for the baby financially or emotionally, but he would still love me just the same. It's beautiful, but I'm not going to go out and cheat and have a baby with someone else. To his defense, I don't think he will either. I'm 80%...okay 75% sure that the child isn't his. I feel like it was likely conceived while he was in jail at the end of January which would mean he's not the father.

I have had this conversation with my friend group. The closest women to me right now. Unfortunately, it is rare that all four of us can get together so each of them has heard bits and pieces of the story. It's hard for me not to think they're judging me, because I'm judging me for being in a situation like this in the first place. Even being involved with people who would make someone think that a child is someone elses. It's ratchet. Everyone belongs on Maury and that's the comment that one of my friends made. That he should take this whole thing to Maury. Translation : "Your life is ratchet now and I think it's a joke". Believe it or not, the comment didn't hurt me. It just reminded me why I can't be so open about everything. It's hard not having someone that I can tell everything to. I like talking about men and relationships. I think any of my close friends would be there to listen to me if I were to completely break down. I know that SJC will see this, so I guess in a way I'm talking to her. I think I'm going to start blogging more to get everything out of my head. This has been my best form of free therapy over the years and will continue to be. If you all want to put a ratchet prayer out there for me, "Pray that the only person that brings my boyfriends children into the world is me, when we're married" Amen.

"I Could Use a Love Song; That Takes Me Back, Just Like That When It Comes On"

I needed a mental health break and didn't really know where to turn. So I turned to you, my beautiful diary. The keeper of many of my secrets. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to a lot. I have my boyfriend, but jail has made him really quiet. He just doesn't talk as much and there are other things that he just can't talk about, because he's not a woman. I also can't talk about him with him. Things that are on my mind.

1. That bitch and her baby. That's how I feel about it. There's a girl who has gotten together with my boyfriends family and claimed that she is pregnant with his child. According to his calculations, the last time they had sexual intercourse was Christmas Eve. Our anniversary is on New Years Eve, so you can tell that he didn't take much time between me and the other girl. The women's due date is October 29th and they insist that there is a possibility that my boyfriend is the father of her child. Scientifically, it doesn't work out. There's no way his sperm lived an entire month then impregnated her. But there is also the possibility that Christmas even wasn't the last time they had sex and he cheated on me. That's what's been plaguing me. He's upset that I don't fully trust him. He's also upset that I bring it up so much, so I decided to stop mentioning it. I don't know if he's noticed or not.

2. I've done a lot for him, so it's hard for me not to hold that over his head. When he was in jail, I answered almost every phone call. Even if I was at work or in class. I would step aside to make sure he had my undivided attention. Now he's out and uses work as an excuse to not text back or call. I get that it's a relatively valid excuse, but I feel jipped. It makes me think that I love him more than he loves me. He also hates that I hold things I've done for him over his head, but it's hard for me not to. I've done more for him than i've ever done for any other human being in my life. I just want some of that back.

3. Finances. My boyfriend is responsible for $6000 in restitution. That is not small amount. He has two years to pay that off. If he doesn't pay it or misses a monthly payment, it's a done deal. He'll go back to jail. That's a really scary thought for me. I don't ever want to picture him going to jail. I also feel bad that he has to work so hard and for such long hours. He has two jobs right now and hates every second of it. I think there's a good chance that he's going to quit one of the jobs today. He's only been working at both places for 2 weeks. That was all it took for him to be over it which kind of disappoint me. I want him to be motivated and want to get everything paid off, so we can work towards other goals and his personal advances. But at the same time, i've never worked fast food. He makes it seem horrible and his feet come back full of blisters and it's extremely painful. I decided to just let him do him and try to stay out of his finances as much as possible. At the same time I have desires too. I want to get taken on nice dates and get nice things bought for me. He isn't in the position to do that and it's not ideal. It's always someday with him and the someday just hasn't come yet.

4. I have baby fever. It is an extremely serious case. I want a baby and it suddenly feels like everyone is pregnant. So many people in my life are having a baby. A lot of them didn't want one, but I did! I always have. I'm in graduate school and on academic probation (another cause of serious stress). So a baby isn't the best idea. I'm on birth control, but don't like the things it does to my body. My period is like 5 days late now. I took a test and unfortunately didn't get pregnant on accident. But it bothers me that my period hasn't come. It has always been like clockwork for me. Having to wait for it and it not coming on time has been no bueno.

5. Losing a friend is still a concept I haven't fully wrapped my mind around, because it doesn't happen all that often. She's the person that I would have wined to about all these things. My other friends just don't care or the conversation never goes to a deep enough level for me to admit that i'm in love, but it isn't all sunshine and roses. I've been able to at a couple points this summer, but it's not the same. I have realized that healthy friendship are not extremely open. It's better that way, because then unsolicited opinions won't hurt your feelings. The friendship basically doesn't stand a chance, so I need to accept that it's over. She blows me off and I keep reaching out. It's sick. I'm not Gretchin Weiners. I'm Regina George.

6. My hair and nails. Always an object of stress. I just want enough money to get them both done as often as I need to again. Why is life so hard?

7. Today was the day of the big eclipse. I didn't buy into the commotion until around Friday or Saturday. On Sunday after work, I went to quite a few stores in order to look for the special glasses. They were all sold out. That's when I realized that this was a huge deal. I didn't get any so realized I would just have to watch it online or something. When I arrived at work Monday morning, I found out that the building next door was giving out free ones. What a blessing! I went and got the glasses. The full eclipse was going to occur at the same time as my first class of my second year of pharmacy school. I didn't want to be that girl, but then I was. I was all set to skip the first few minutes of class for this once in a lifetime experience. I ended up seeing absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. It was cloudy where I live, so the clouds covered the whole thing up. It got dark for a little while, but I'll be honest with you. It didn't phase me. I haven't experienced darkness in the afternoon before, but I've experienced darkness, so it was no big deal. Bleh. I won't care to try to see it in 2024. It was a waste of time and energy. I'm mad I didn't see anything.

That's the end of my rant for today. I'm so glad I got to vent.

Song of the Day :  I Could Use A Love Song by Maren Morris

Quote of the Day : "If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking"

"What's love? It's about us, it's about trust babe".

Hello Strangers or People I Know,

I have made it a goal to do two things. 1. Read my bible more through d365.org or the physical bible that I have at home. My heart has been drawing me to the book of Hebrews at home, but d365 is quick and allows me to organize my thoughts. I'm also going to finally download this app that I see on a friends snapchat all the time. It's called "eternal sunshine", and I promise not to delete the app in order to make more room for pictures. 2. I decided that I would blog more, because I need a healthy way to express my feelings and hear my own thoughts. I have chosen not to be sad and to try and be positive about my life choices and everything that's been going on. Writing my feelings and expressing myself if a great way to do it. I have learned that I don't enjoy talking about myself. I can talk about my friends and things going on in their lives, but I don't like talking about just me. What's going on with me or what I'm feeling. I guess that's partly, because I don't really focus on me. My life is just something I'm pushing through to get to the other side or a better place. The fact that there are only 6 more days of summer school after today makes everything better, because that has been a big cause of stress. I want my degree. It's important to me.

But I told you it's hard for me to worry about myself. The two things that have been heavy on my heart are my boyfriend and one of my friends. My boyfriend has been incarcerated for 48 days now. It is my hope and prayer that he comes home soon. It would be great if his release from jail was the answer to all of our problems, but it's not. I'm all in when I love someone and I truly believe that him and I are building a life together. We are trying to get careers (through school for me and finding a job for him) in order to eventually move in together, get married, and start a family. I don't know what his timeline is, but I see all of this coming together within the next 3 years. He doesn't get scared when we talk about marriage and commitment. The truth is that neither of us can imagine being apart. Even when we talk about the idea of him moving to Topeka or Kansas City, we both decide that its impossible. Yesterday, he ended up saying exactly what I was thinking. If he moves away, then one of us would have to commute to the other every night. We can't sleep without each other. Aside from this period of forced separation, we see each other every day. It's not a burden or something we do just to keep it going. We just love being together. But when he comes back, he has to navigate life after a felony. Most of us don't think about these things. I didn't know any of this before meeting him and trying to help him navigate everything. But having a felony excludes you from living in most apartment complexes and it makes finding a job extremely difficult. He's going to need a job to survive and pay for the legal costs hes accumulated. None of it is pretty. My role as a girlfriend is to just be there emotionally. I've enjoyed room hunting, because wherever he ends up is going to be somewhere where I spend a lot of time as well. I'm worried about how hard it will be for him to get settled, but hoping for the best. God doesn't close a door without opening a window, and like the rest of the world he forgives and looks past mistakes. God is full of second chances, and I believe that love between one another should be modeled after the love that God has for us. That being said, I'm willing to forgive my boyfriend not 7 times but 77 times. This doesn't include abuse or cheating or anything like that. But if he makes a mistake that sets him back, I don't think being there to help him get back up is a bad thing. Everyone needs love. Especially in tough times. So I'm constantly thinking of things that could go wrong or things ways that he could explain his criminal history to make things easier. He tells me not to worry about it and let him handle everything, but that's hard for me to do.

As for my friend, she has become my boyfriends arch nemesis. To be fair, he hates her a lot more than she hates him. He doesn't want me to be friends with her anymore and rightfully so. Most of my friends don't want to be friends with her either. They didn't like her from the beginning. She's the type of person that fights with a majority of the people in her life and has lost countless friends over the years. It's easy for her to cut ties with people. I'm upset with her, because I turned to her in my time of need. She wasn't there and she hurt my feelings. It matters, because I was already down. That was additional hurt that I did not need and couldn't handle. The fact that I don't open up much and actually tried to open up only to be shut out, sucked. She had a lot of excuses or reasons for why she acted the way she did. She had specifically asked me not to talk about my boyfriend. She said that that's because I was going through a phase where I made anything and everything about him. What she thinks of as a phase is something I think of as love. I was falling in love and she didn't want to hear about it. She didn't want me to have my moment. That's rude. When I mentioned the mean things she said, she said she was only speaking to me the way I speak to her. But I know for a fact, I don't speak to people that way. Yes, I've said that some men are a bad idea and even gone as far as saying I hate them, but I think it was for good reason. I was doing all this to prevent what ultimately happened from happening. Her listening to me would have been a good idea, but I still didn't hold it against her or say "I told you so" to her face like I could have. I feel like I've spent hours of my life listening to her talk about things and she says that she does the same for me, but I just don't think so. Yes, she'll listen to me talk about random things (celebrities, stories I read, religious stuff, and other random facts that live in my head). And there are times when shes listened to me talk about serious stuff like when I was going through all this family stuff. I just don't see it as the same. I feel like I'm a way better, more invested friend. And I'll never get that same friendship back. Overall, I've decided that that's okay with me. I decided that because this friend really needs a friend right now. And by right now, I mean for a long time after now too. She is going through something life changing. I've chosen to support her, but my boyfriend doesn't understand. He doesn't believe that anyone should hurt me or be rude to me. He thinks I need to stand up for myself, which I agree with. I just can't abandon a friend in need. I'm too need. God gave me too big a heart.

Song of the Day : What's Luv by Fat Joe ft. Ja-Rule and Ashanti (I was listening to this 2000s radio through Apple Music and found this song. I used to love it. It goes hard.)

Quote of the day: "You weren't always the person you are today, and thus, give others a chance to evolve as well. Before you judge, sympathize, and inspire" - Eternal Sunshine App

This app is already exactly what I need to hear. I feel like it's okay to sympathize with both my boyfriend and my friend during this time. I need to give them both a chance to evolve and have no right to assume that that won't happen.

"Oh, Darling Don't You Ever Grow Up"

So, either I'm depressed or my life is a pile of shit. It honestly might be both. If I had to pinpoint when I started feeling like I might actually be depressed I would say October/November of last year. Right around the time the African guy stopped talking to me. For those that don't understand depression, him dumping me did not make me depressed. I just started feeling gloomy and sleeping a lot during that time. I cried a lot as well. That hasn't stopped. I cry at least 2 times a week these days. It's usually a full on breakdown. Getting on birth control just made everything worse. More tears and more uncontrolled emotions. I also went through some family things in November with my parents. It was an uncomfortable situation,and it caused me to see them differently. No one wants to see their parents as less than perfect people, and the situation forced that to happen. They only people I talked to about all this were them, my aunt, and one other person. I went to counseling for awhile, but it was $15 a session and money was a big part of the life issues I was having. My sessions were productive, because I felt relief after but I also just cried a lot during those too. Ugly, snot filled tears. 

That's why for the first year in my life I didn't make my birthday a huge production. My parents and brother both had to work, I had a final, and I didn't want to be a burden to people. Going to events and keeping up with other peoples birthdays and events had started to feel like a burden to me, because of how down I was feeling. I didn't really have the energy to do for others, so I didn't want anyone to do for me either. My family went on the Atlanta trip over Christmas. That was nice. I enjoyed site seeing, but I still wasn't feeling 100%. It got to the point where my grandmother noticed it which broke my heart, because I want her thinking everything is okay. She has so much on her plate with everyone else, I didn't want her worrying about me too. The good (well not so good) news is that my cousin was feeling the same way. We got to talk about it on the trip and it was nice opening up. 

My aunt (who's not really my aunt but I love anyway) also came up and gave both of us a talk about life and love. I of course, had to hold back tears through the whole thing. That's a common theme through this entire thing. I just want to sit in a corner and cry. Her talk was about how now is the time to love and cherish our parents. They are lonely and going through a transition too. The transition from raising children to letting them fly on their own. It can be tough starting to not be in such good health and move closer and closer to retirement. She also told us about her dating life. You know you only ever think of your aunt as being with your uncle. It was funny hearing about the bad boys she dated. The one thing she emphasized is never bringing a man that you don't want to marry to meet your parents (I broke that rule and brought my very first boyfriend home, but it's okay because I want to marry him). For the first time in my life, an African, adult woman encouraged me to be promiscuous and figure out what's out there. What I like. She also emphasized finding a man that can take care of you financially, because life is hard. She said my uncle won at the end, because he could pay tuition after her family ran out of money. These aren't all glamorous things, but it was nice to hear the truth about life from someone who has been through it. The fairytale idea of life that people sell to you just hasn't been my experience. 

Failing out of school set me way back and I still feel like a failure for it. I've officially been in school five years. Starting the 6th in August, and it is absolutely exhausting. I'm tired of studying. I still have 3 years of pharmacy school to go and to be honest, I don't think I'm going to make it most days. It's just too much. It's even harder not having any money through all of this. This past semester I tired not working much and focusing on school. It failed, because not having any money just added to my unhappiness. Even when I wanted to do things to cheer myself up, I couldn't afford to. I felt ugly, because for the first time in a long time I couldn't afford to get my hair, nails, and eye brows down every six weeks or so. I gained weight, because eating is where I find joy. At this rate, I am well on my way to being on my six hundred pound life. 

On top of all this I was in a new relationship. That added stress and took it away. I experience real joy when I'm with my baby. He makes me happy and makes me feel less alone. We're just both at a rough place financially, so it makes starting a life together really difficult. Sometimes his problems on top of my own make me just want to explode. The cheery on top was the $113 speeding ticket I got today from a white cop who stopped both me and a white man. The white man was let go, but I had to pay a ticket. I will be in court to fight that, but I'm tired of court rooms after everything I've experienced with my boyfriend. I just want to sleep and cry, but I can't do any of that. Today's schedule is 9-11 class, 12-5 work, 6-9 class. It'll be 10 by the time I get home and eat dinner. Y'all know I'm not missing no meals. I'll shower watch a little tv and do it all over again. I don't want to do it all over again. I just want to try. 

"I Think You're Truly Something Special; Just What My Dreams Are Really Made Of"

Two days into the new year, I received this message on Facebook."Hey Mariam. It's A from the Ass Jams party, I don't know if I had disrespected you any last night, but I do truly apologize if I did. I was drunk, but that's no excuse. So I do apologize if I did disrespect you in any manner". I was really surprised by the message. 1. I was surprised, because this beautiful individual went out of his way to contact me. He didn't just say hey. He apologized even though he didn't know if he did anything wrong. 2. I hadn't texted him and that wasn't reason enough for him to give up. 3. He was able to find me on facebook! I have a name that no one can pronounce. He not only knows how to pronounce it, but he knew how to spell it. Issa husband! I accepted his friend request and assured him that he didn't do anything wrong. I told him that it did seem like he was interested in hooking up, but that wasn't what I was interested in. He said that he respects my decision not to hook up and just wants to spend time with me.

I told A that I don't drink or turn up and would probably bore him, and he said my favorite line. "It'll never be a dull moment with me". *insert apple heart eyes emoji here*. We continue to talk and he opens up about some serious things. He tells me about his brother that passed away and how his family hid the death from him at first. He also says that he would love to get together again. I told him that I like dates (girl code for take me on a date). It was a brand new year and I didn't want to back track on my search for love. 2016 was a year when I started going on actual, adult dates and I didn't want to back track from that. He mentioned he didn't know where anything in town was,s o I would have to help. Being the stubborn woman that I am, I didn't want to suggest anything. I wouldn't him to make the effort and find a place to take me. I also wanted to see what type of places are good to him and whether we like the same things. His first suggestion was a coffee shop. While a coffee shop date sounds very romantic, I don't drink coffee. I had to decide if I was going to tell him that or not. I decided to tell him that I was up for going but wouldn't drink any coffee. I was hoping for food and that's exactly what bae came through with on the second suggestion. Fuzzy's Tacos. A place I enjoy.

We ended up setting a time to meet and he smoothly tried to make the transition from Facebook messenger to regular texting. I sent a message to the number he gave me and got no response. Turns out that he put the wrong number in my phone while he was intoxicated. The number was one off. I told him that the number he gave me wasn't right and he gave me an updated one. I worried, because I wasn't going to be ready in time for our date. I still had to shower and do my hair which wasn't in great condition. It was a month into the weave, and it was starting to look bad. I told him that I was going to be late, and he told me to take my time. He wasn't ready either. I asked if he wanted me to start driving to meet him there and he told me to wait for him to call. This was AMA being AMA. He likes being in control. Not in a bad way, but in the way I've been looking for my entire life. I want a man that will lead, and he does that in our relationship.

The first date was amazing. I parked my car right next to fuzzy's. A was waiting in front of the restaurant for me. I like that he hadn't walked in before me. He was a gentlemen. He was wearing a black sweatshirt and khaki pants. He smelled delicious. What I thought was cologne was actually blunt effects to hide the fact that he had just smoked. I gave him a hug, he held the door open for me, and we walked in. I knew exactly what I wanted to order, because it was the second day of the new year and I was still counting calories (we all know that didn't last long). He ordered something that involved a pig and beans. I knew it would be gross, but I let him get it anyways. He ended up being pretty disappointed with his food and mentioned how mine looked amazing. The food wasn't the focus though. The focus was that in that moment we knew we found something special. We opened up and talked about a lot of different things. He gave me an unedited version of his past. He made fun of me for getting food all over my face and handed me napkins to wipe it off. I told him in a letter that that moment makes me think that he was taking care of me from the very beginning. He agreed and said he only makes fun of me about missing my face, because he thinks its cute. I could end this right here my friends. That's love. Loving someone for their imperfections. But the story doesn't end here.

After the date we walked outside to my car. He had walked to Fuzzy's from his sisters house. It was cold outside, but we still wanted to talk. We were standing incredibly close to each other the entire time. Lots of kissing and rubbing was happening. This went on for quite awhile and we were enjoying every moment. He pointed out how comfortable I was with him which made me notice that all my guards were down. I was 100% in the moment. That's when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I reminded him that we had just finished our first date and we didn't know each other. He insisted that he told me everything on the date and he can tell the kind of person I am, so what is there to know? I still said no, because committing after the first date is crazy talk. He asked a second time, and I said no. I knew that I liked him, but I was stuck on the fact that it was too soon. We eventually got in the car, so that I could drop him off. We parked outside of his sister's house, but not right in front because we didn't want them to see us. He asked a third time, if I was going to be his girl. This time or the time before he had added in a story. He said that his grandmother told him that when you like someone, there's no point in waiting. He has an uncle who was engaged for a really long time and they didn't get married. His grandmother said they didn't get married, because they didn't want to be together. Two people that want to be together do just that. They are together. That story really resonated, and this time I said yes. On three conditions. 1. He has to realize that I'm in school and that's a priority. 2. I probably wasn't going to give up the V card (out the window). 3. He had to quit smoking. I told him to throw what he wad smoking out the door right then and there. He told me that that would be a bad financial decision and as soon as he finishes smoking what he has, he'll be done. That one was out the window too. He never actually quit smoking. But we did fall in love. And for about 3 blissful days we were a normal couple. Young and in love. We both were working and making more money than usual. We were in a good place. That was before the police called his place of employment and said there was a warrant for his arrest....dun dun duuuuuun.

"Raindrops. Drop tops. Smokin' on cookie in the hotbox"

Good Morning Blog,


I always come here after periods of great joy, sadness, disappointment, and change. I've experienced all four of these periods during the time since my last post. On December 31st, 2017, I was in Lawrence, Kansas with my family. I had completed a successful semester or pharmacy school and fun trip to Atlanta, Georgia for Christmas. My grandmother was in our home and adamant about not doing anything to celebrate the new year. For the first time in a long time, my parents were going out to celebrate. My brother had plans with our former neighbor, and Neema was in Maryland visiting her family. Breonna came over for the big celebration. Both of us had brand new outfits and were feeling "bad and boujee". Migos was toping the charts and you couldn't get on social media without seeing a Raindrops, Droptops meme. My love life was looking up. I had actively started using tinder again and had a couple little boos from there. One of them, Jay, I was intrigued by. His downfalls included no car and only wanting to hang out at night. The other guy, C. had a former fling who didn't know she was pregnant with his baby until it was too late. His positive attributes included being a good father, texter, and being in school. I was 99.9% sure he was short though. Charles and I were messaging again in an attempt to rekindle what was lost. It was going okay, but like always it was difficult to understand what he was saying and I was unsatisfied. I was talking to two more men as well, but now I just sound like a hoe. Back to New Years Eve.


I did Breonna's make up that night, because we knew that both of her boos would be present at the LFK event of the year : Ass Jamz. I finished straightening my hair and doing my make up, but just didn't feel cute. I made Breonna take a billion photos of me, but none of them made me feel like a million bucks. I was insecure. We arrived at the party, and I had a surprisingly good time. They were playing a lot of nice throwbacks and we were dancing. Towards the middle of the night Breonna became focused on her baes. Halfway through the night one of them moved up towards the balcony, so we went up there too. When I got to the top, I basically felt abandoned. She was busy with them, and I wanted to be downstairs dancing. I was irritated and was ignoring her even when she did give me attention. While up in the balcony, I noticed another handsome young man. I kept looking back at him to see what he was up to or if he was with another women. He was in a white shirt with light blue and grey stripes that was a little too big for him. He also had on khaki pants. What I didn't know is that he was purposefully moving to different locations of the balcony to make sure that I was indeed looking for him. Every time I looked back, he would move. Before you knew it, he was standing right next to me on the balcony. We were both looking down at the crowd a bit. I was debating whether or not I would say anything. It was after midnight and I had already missed out on an opportunity for a new years kiss. After contemplating everything for awhile, I decided to say something. What, I can't remember. I just texted him to see if he remembered and would tell me.


This became the beginning of a beautiful conversation. We talked about a lot of different things. He told me that he had 11 siblings or a crazy number like that (I eventually figured out that most of them were his siblings by choice and not biological ones. His mother has four children and his father has eight. The two parties share three kids together). He told me that he was raised by his grandmother. He told me that everyone he knows named Antwane has a child except him. He told me he was from Texas (Houston). He told me that he regretted not telling me that his name was Murice, because that's his middle name that he goes by. He told me that he was a sister name Keshia and insisted on asking if I know her. He pointed her out from the balcony and everything. It was not someone that I knew. He told me about his smoking habit and I was disappointed, because that's a red flag for me. We continued to talk until the party was over. Breonna was cuddled with her man, and him and I walked and talked as well. We eventually went to my car and continued the conversation there. I kept driving by Breonna to see if she was ready. He told me to take his number down, because his phone was dead (I later learned that this would be the common theme in our relationship. This man does not charge his phone). We were having a good time, but I, like him was still unsure. I didn't know if I would actually make use of the number. Eventually Breonna got in the car with us, and I drove him back to his sisters house where he would be finishing the night. He asked me to walk to the door with him and held my hand and cuddled with me standing up. I could tell that he was thinking about kissing me, but I was purposefully not looking up at the right times. I assumed that like most men, he just wanted to hook up and would forget all about me if we didn't do anything that night. Eventually he went in and I went back to the car. I waited, because it seemed like no one was opening the door for him for awhile. He later told me that that wasn't the case and everyone was just in the backyard smoking. He joined them. The story continues, stay tuned...


Song of the Day : Bad & Boujee by Migos


Quote of the day : "Someone you haven't even met yet is wondering what it would be like to meet someone like you".