"Sometimes I'm lazy I get bored. I get scared; I feel ignored"

I'm in a relationship, but continue to feel alone. There is truth to what people say about having to be whole within before you pursue something with someone else. I met my boyfriend during what was the beginning of a new me. December was when I had stopped talking to everyone I was serious about the previous year. I was having extremely casual conversations with some men in greek life and guys I met on app. I was finally not trying to go crazy with my hair and make up. I was natural a majority of the time. I was just me. But honestly, a couple weeks probably wasn't enough time to become as healthy as I needed to be for all the problems that came our way.

Yesterday, the child was born. The child that may or may not be his. Believe it or not, that caused nothing but problems. I thought we had until the 29th before all of this became a reality but life doesn't work like that. I was upset, because my boyfriend was 20 minutes late picking me up from school. He had claimed he was "on the way" way before that so I sent him a test that said "the lie detector test determined, that is a lieeee". In my mind I was thinking of Maury and Jerry Springer when I sent it to him but didn't realize our real life Jerry Springer episode had begun. He said, "I may not have passed that test, but I passed another one?". I asked, "did you pass your driving test?". He said "No". I asked "which test?" and he said "this one" and showed me a picture. The picture was of a tiny baby that the girl who tried to burn the bathroom down in 7th grade had. This girl is who my boyfriend was fucking right before me. According to him, the baby was white and had blond eye brown hairs which means that it could not be him. I couldn't find the blond eye brow hairs in the picture. I sent it to my cousin, and she couldn't either. In that moment, I really wished I had my old friend back because we could have examined the picture for hours and determined whether there were similarities or not. But she is going through a lot of drama of her own also involving babies. Plus I don't feel like talking to her about my life. All that it would do is prove that she was right about everything. That I settled for less and would deal with the consequences of settling if I stayed in this relationship.

The possibly good news is that the mother of the child did not contact him to tell him she was going into labor or to tell him that the child had been born. She also blocked him from Facebook so that he couldn't see her page. This girl has an extremely low IQ and is immature. It's possible that she just didn't want to have the difficult conversation with him. The one where she would explain that the baby is not his and she's known the entire time based on when they last had sexual intercourse. I just want the whole thing to be over. I've wanted it to be over for a long time now. The only way for it to really be over is for him to take a paternity test and for the results to be negative. He called the local hospital and they said he would have to schedule a paternity test. The results would not come in for 4 weeks. His friend told him it could be longer than that. He wants me to let him handle it. A majority of how he plans to handle it involves him getting to win against his mother and his sister. That's all he really cares about. Revenge against them. I can't really understand, because I was blessed with a mother who has shown me nothing but love.

In the midst of all of this was a lot of fighting between my boyfriend and I. Lots and lots of fighting. He still sees me being upset by the situation and wanting him to take a paternity test as me not trusting him and thinking the baby is his. I think that me not thinking the baby is his AND not thinking the baby isn't him is the smartest thing to do at this point because we don't really don't. If you ask me, babies don't really look like anyway. They're all cute and pinkish. Just because the baby is lighter than they would have expected it to be doesn't mean anything. I trash talked the women, and he got upset saying that I was really just mad that they had sex. He got upset because I ask too many questions and can't let things go. All he wants to do is stop talking about it. How the hell do you stop talking about the fact that you might be a father? That there's a little girl with a ratchet name and mama that might be stuck to you for the next 18 years. To make matters better, the girl is homeless and her mother is homeless as well. The mother was kicked out of her apartment. These people live the bottom of the barrel lifestyle.  A kind of poor I know I'll never have to know (In Jesus Name. Money come to me now). He still refuses to talk about it. I'm sitting in a room with him right now. He's eating cereal and playing NBA 2K. He literally gets mad at me for talking. Often. He doesn't want to talk. He also doesn't want to cuddle as much as I do. I want to cuddle every day and not just in bed. I feel like cuddling should happen often. I want kisses and hugs and so many things that he gives but not often. He doesn't need any of those things.

Don't even get me started on how far in debt I am because of this man. My life is bad. I can easily see leaving and finding someone who has more money and is uglier. Then they would be more grateful to have me and wouldn't always silence me. Maybe they would try to give me the things that I want and say I need. I just don't have that with him. When I remember the decent times I want to stick with it. I still feel in love with him. Maybe men just suck and this is as good as it gets. At least he wants to commit to me and wants a monogamous relationship with me. I haven't had anyone else want that before. I'm also extremely fat now so that minimizes the people that would come my way anyway. So basically, life is a big pile of shit. That's all. Pray for me or don't.

Song of the day : Ordinary Girl by Hannah Montanna

quote of the day : Most importantly love like it's the only thing you know how. At the end of the day, all of this means nothing. This page. Where you're sitting. Your degree. Your job. The money. Nothing even matters except love and human connection. Who you loved and how deeply you loved them. How you touched the people around you and how much you gave them.