"Know That Chick on Part One I Told Y'all I Was Creeping With? Said She's Three Months Pregnant and She's Keeping It.

I have a lot of thoughts in my head and no one to share them with. That's one of the biggest problems I'm facing now. I have my boyfriend, who I do talk about almost everything with. The problem is talking to him about him leaves me confused. I'm plagued with the whole idea that he has a baby on the way. He continues to insist that he doesn't, but I know men. Men let you down. If he didn't let me down, i'll know that he's a real keeper. I'll feel silly for being so skeptical and not wearing my heart completely on my sleeve. But if he lied and it is his child, I'll at least not fall so far into shock. If you've read my previous posts (especially about Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union), you would know that I don't like cheating. I hate it. I also don't like the idea of having someone else's kids as a part of my life unless it's through adoption. The reason I don't like this idea is because then the mother of that child has to be in my life too. I don't want to sign up for that. I'm a jealous individual and would not like the interaction between my man and his baby mama. Especially the baby mama that my man supposedly has. I've thought she was trash since middle school. Not the kind of person I want in my family.

My boyfriend insists that it's not his baby. He insists this based on a couple different factors. 1. Explicit details about the sex they had. 2. The fact that he tried to have a baby in the past and didn't succeed. 3. The fact that he smokes a lot, so his sperm count should have been low (this excuse in completely invalid. Every pot head I know has a child). 4. The last time the had sex was on Christmas Eve and the baby isn't due until October 29th. That is over nine months. Even when you calculate pregnancy as 40 weeks instead of 37 weeks, it's not his baby (Yes, I did the math.). It just sucks that I won't have a definite answer until the baby is actually born. That's two more months of this whole ordeal lingering in the back of my mind. It's hurting my relationship, because it's only added to my already extreme trust issues. I bring up the baby, it's mother, and hypothetical situations all the time. I have made it clear that if the baby is his, I am leaving him. That also hurts him because it means that my love isn't fully unconditional. He said that if I was having a baby with someone else, he would stick with me. He wouldn't care for the baby financially or emotionally, but he would still love me just the same. It's beautiful, but I'm not going to go out and cheat and have a baby with someone else. To his defense, I don't think he will either. I'm 80%...okay 75% sure that the child isn't his. I feel like it was likely conceived while he was in jail at the end of January which would mean he's not the father.

I have had this conversation with my friend group. The closest women to me right now. Unfortunately, it is rare that all four of us can get together so each of them has heard bits and pieces of the story. It's hard for me not to think they're judging me, because I'm judging me for being in a situation like this in the first place. Even being involved with people who would make someone think that a child is someone elses. It's ratchet. Everyone belongs on Maury and that's the comment that one of my friends made. That he should take this whole thing to Maury. Translation : "Your life is ratchet now and I think it's a joke". Believe it or not, the comment didn't hurt me. It just reminded me why I can't be so open about everything. It's hard not having someone that I can tell everything to. I like talking about men and relationships. I think any of my close friends would be there to listen to me if I were to completely break down. I know that SJC will see this, so I guess in a way I'm talking to her. I think I'm going to start blogging more to get everything out of my head. This has been my best form of free therapy over the years and will continue to be. If you all want to put a ratchet prayer out there for me, "Pray that the only person that brings my boyfriends children into the world is me, when we're married" Amen.