"I Could Use a Love Song; That Takes Me Back, Just Like That When It Comes On"

I needed a mental health break and didn't really know where to turn. So I turned to you, my beautiful diary. The keeper of many of my secrets. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to a lot. I have my boyfriend, but jail has made him really quiet. He just doesn't talk as much and there are other things that he just can't talk about, because he's not a woman. I also can't talk about him with him. Things that are on my mind.

1. That bitch and her baby. That's how I feel about it. There's a girl who has gotten together with my boyfriends family and claimed that she is pregnant with his child. According to his calculations, the last time they had sexual intercourse was Christmas Eve. Our anniversary is on New Years Eve, so you can tell that he didn't take much time between me and the other girl. The women's due date is October 29th and they insist that there is a possibility that my boyfriend is the father of her child. Scientifically, it doesn't work out. There's no way his sperm lived an entire month then impregnated her. But there is also the possibility that Christmas even wasn't the last time they had sex and he cheated on me. That's what's been plaguing me. He's upset that I don't fully trust him. He's also upset that I bring it up so much, so I decided to stop mentioning it. I don't know if he's noticed or not.

2. I've done a lot for him, so it's hard for me not to hold that over his head. When he was in jail, I answered almost every phone call. Even if I was at work or in class. I would step aside to make sure he had my undivided attention. Now he's out and uses work as an excuse to not text back or call. I get that it's a relatively valid excuse, but I feel jipped. It makes me think that I love him more than he loves me. He also hates that I hold things I've done for him over his head, but it's hard for me not to. I've done more for him than i've ever done for any other human being in my life. I just want some of that back.

3. Finances. My boyfriend is responsible for $6000 in restitution. That is not small amount. He has two years to pay that off. If he doesn't pay it or misses a monthly payment, it's a done deal. He'll go back to jail. That's a really scary thought for me. I don't ever want to picture him going to jail. I also feel bad that he has to work so hard and for such long hours. He has two jobs right now and hates every second of it. I think there's a good chance that he's going to quit one of the jobs today. He's only been working at both places for 2 weeks. That was all it took for him to be over it which kind of disappoint me. I want him to be motivated and want to get everything paid off, so we can work towards other goals and his personal advances. But at the same time, i've never worked fast food. He makes it seem horrible and his feet come back full of blisters and it's extremely painful. I decided to just let him do him and try to stay out of his finances as much as possible. At the same time I have desires too. I want to get taken on nice dates and get nice things bought for me. He isn't in the position to do that and it's not ideal. It's always someday with him and the someday just hasn't come yet.

4. I have baby fever. It is an extremely serious case. I want a baby and it suddenly feels like everyone is pregnant. So many people in my life are having a baby. A lot of them didn't want one, but I did! I always have. I'm in graduate school and on academic probation (another cause of serious stress). So a baby isn't the best idea. I'm on birth control, but don't like the things it does to my body. My period is like 5 days late now. I took a test and unfortunately didn't get pregnant on accident. But it bothers me that my period hasn't come. It has always been like clockwork for me. Having to wait for it and it not coming on time has been no bueno.

5. Losing a friend is still a concept I haven't fully wrapped my mind around, because it doesn't happen all that often. She's the person that I would have wined to about all these things. My other friends just don't care or the conversation never goes to a deep enough level for me to admit that i'm in love, but it isn't all sunshine and roses. I've been able to at a couple points this summer, but it's not the same. I have realized that healthy friendship are not extremely open. It's better that way, because then unsolicited opinions won't hurt your feelings. The friendship basically doesn't stand a chance, so I need to accept that it's over. She blows me off and I keep reaching out. It's sick. I'm not Gretchin Weiners. I'm Regina George.

6. My hair and nails. Always an object of stress. I just want enough money to get them both done as often as I need to again. Why is life so hard?

7. Today was the day of the big eclipse. I didn't buy into the commotion until around Friday or Saturday. On Sunday after work, I went to quite a few stores in order to look for the special glasses. They were all sold out. That's when I realized that this was a huge deal. I didn't get any so realized I would just have to watch it online or something. When I arrived at work Monday morning, I found out that the building next door was giving out free ones. What a blessing! I went and got the glasses. The full eclipse was going to occur at the same time as my first class of my second year of pharmacy school. I didn't want to be that girl, but then I was. I was all set to skip the first few minutes of class for this once in a lifetime experience. I ended up seeing absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. It was cloudy where I live, so the clouds covered the whole thing up. It got dark for a little while, but I'll be honest with you. It didn't phase me. I haven't experienced darkness in the afternoon before, but I've experienced darkness, so it was no big deal. Bleh. I won't care to try to see it in 2024. It was a waste of time and energy. I'm mad I didn't see anything.

That's the end of my rant for today. I'm so glad I got to vent.

Song of the Day :  I Could Use A Love Song by Maren Morris

Quote of the Day : "If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking"