"Oh, Darling Don't You Ever Grow Up"

So, either I'm depressed or my life is a pile of shit. It honestly might be both. If I had to pinpoint when I started feeling like I might actually be depressed I would say October/November of last year. Right around the time the African guy stopped talking to me. For those that don't understand depression, him dumping me did not make me depressed. I just started feeling gloomy and sleeping a lot during that time. I cried a lot as well. That hasn't stopped. I cry at least 2 times a week these days. It's usually a full on breakdown. Getting on birth control just made everything worse. More tears and more uncontrolled emotions. I also went through some family things in November with my parents. It was an uncomfortable situation,and it caused me to see them differently. No one wants to see their parents as less than perfect people, and the situation forced that to happen. They only people I talked to about all this were them, my aunt, and one other person. I went to counseling for awhile, but it was $15 a session and money was a big part of the life issues I was having. My sessions were productive, because I felt relief after but I also just cried a lot during those too. Ugly, snot filled tears. 

That's why for the first year in my life I didn't make my birthday a huge production. My parents and brother both had to work, I had a final, and I didn't want to be a burden to people. Going to events and keeping up with other peoples birthdays and events had started to feel like a burden to me, because of how down I was feeling. I didn't really have the energy to do for others, so I didn't want anyone to do for me either. My family went on the Atlanta trip over Christmas. That was nice. I enjoyed site seeing, but I still wasn't feeling 100%. It got to the point where my grandmother noticed it which broke my heart, because I want her thinking everything is okay. She has so much on her plate with everyone else, I didn't want her worrying about me too. The good (well not so good) news is that my cousin was feeling the same way. We got to talk about it on the trip and it was nice opening up. 

My aunt (who's not really my aunt but I love anyway) also came up and gave both of us a talk about life and love. I of course, had to hold back tears through the whole thing. That's a common theme through this entire thing. I just want to sit in a corner and cry. Her talk was about how now is the time to love and cherish our parents. They are lonely and going through a transition too. The transition from raising children to letting them fly on their own. It can be tough starting to not be in such good health and move closer and closer to retirement. She also told us about her dating life. You know you only ever think of your aunt as being with your uncle. It was funny hearing about the bad boys she dated. The one thing she emphasized is never bringing a man that you don't want to marry to meet your parents (I broke that rule and brought my very first boyfriend home, but it's okay because I want to marry him). For the first time in my life, an African, adult woman encouraged me to be promiscuous and figure out what's out there. What I like. She also emphasized finding a man that can take care of you financially, because life is hard. She said my uncle won at the end, because he could pay tuition after her family ran out of money. These aren't all glamorous things, but it was nice to hear the truth about life from someone who has been through it. The fairytale idea of life that people sell to you just hasn't been my experience. 

Failing out of school set me way back and I still feel like a failure for it. I've officially been in school five years. Starting the 6th in August, and it is absolutely exhausting. I'm tired of studying. I still have 3 years of pharmacy school to go and to be honest, I don't think I'm going to make it most days. It's just too much. It's even harder not having any money through all of this. This past semester I tired not working much and focusing on school. It failed, because not having any money just added to my unhappiness. Even when I wanted to do things to cheer myself up, I couldn't afford to. I felt ugly, because for the first time in a long time I couldn't afford to get my hair, nails, and eye brows down every six weeks or so. I gained weight, because eating is where I find joy. At this rate, I am well on my way to being on my six hundred pound life. 

On top of all this I was in a new relationship. That added stress and took it away. I experience real joy when I'm with my baby. He makes me happy and makes me feel less alone. We're just both at a rough place financially, so it makes starting a life together really difficult. Sometimes his problems on top of my own make me just want to explode. The cheery on top was the $113 speeding ticket I got today from a white cop who stopped both me and a white man. The white man was let go, but I had to pay a ticket. I will be in court to fight that, but I'm tired of court rooms after everything I've experienced with my boyfriend. I just want to sleep and cry, but I can't do any of that. Today's schedule is 9-11 class, 12-5 work, 6-9 class. It'll be 10 by the time I get home and eat dinner. Y'all know I'm not missing no meals. I'll shower watch a little tv and do it all over again. I don't want to do it all over again. I just want to try.