Someday I'll be living in a big city & all your ever gonna be is mean/Someday I'll be big enough so you cant hit me & all your ever gonna be is mean

Hey...you know the saying you never know a good thing till its gone? I've been feeling that a lot today. If you've been a follower for a long time you'd know last year around this time I started talking about a J. This J was my neighbor, a cute one at that. And it seemed like he liked me, we quickly became friend. J has a girlfriend now. Is it me? nope, its another girl, the kind that would you feel bad even being mad at. The kind whos hand open heart surgeries and is a miracle child. The one that was his best friend, and is now dating him, and they'll probably get married and have a million and one babies just as miraculous as they both are. Do I sound bitter? Whos bitter? Not me. Okay, maybe just a little bit but life goes on. I didn't cry or anything its just sad that one of the only people from school thats ever made me feel special and worthy didn't think I was great enough. Does it suck? yeah, but that happens sometimes. Especially when your me. But its not like I put my heart and soul into the whole situation. Life goes on and there are many fish in the sea

I also started thinking about my old friends today. I liked them. I always try to tell myself when somethings gone I didn't need it anyway but seeing my junior high friends today made me wonder if I would have been different with them. One of them is this super nice Christian girl that I really got along with. But seeing her today was awkward and I felt like I made it that way by not keeping contact. Then I thought back even further to friends I've lost along the way. I look at how their lives are going and wonder if that could have been me. Lately I don't like what I see when I go to social events to the people I should be closest too. I don't like being annoyed or having to pretend. I hate having to lie about how I feel or when something bugs me and I've been doing it a lot more then I should have too. But I worry too much about hurting peoples feelings. If your reading this its totally not you, but these other people in my life. At least my families awesome :)

I saw a random act of kindness the other day. I was at the big football game her in town and in front of me was a special ed student sitting next to his big stack of yougio (sp?) cards. 3 guys were trying to hind a seat and they came walking in between me and my friends and the boy. One of the boys knocked over the special ed boys cards. This boy is really cute but I happen to know that hes the biggest jerk ever. Hes done some pretty mean things to me personally and other people I know. This boy stopped, leaned over to help pick up the cards and his butt was awkwardly in my face. He then turned around and says, "I'm so sorry, didn't mean to do you like that". I was like "its ok". After that he leaned back down picked up the cards for the boy and says, "Are these alright now? You want me to put them in a different order?". The boy doesn't say anything so he walks away and meets up with his friends again. I thought it was the sweetest thing, and it showed me that people can totally change. Its so possible.

song of the day: Mean by Taylor Swift

quote of the day: Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.