"Cause I know there's sunshine beyond that rain/I know there's good times beyond that pain/Can you tell me how to make a change" - Pray Justin Bieber

Hey loves,
Guess what? I turn 16 in 17 days. Its pretty exciting. If gods willing i'll make it to sixteen and many more years to come. I learned some pretty interesting things today. No, none of them were from my teachers but from friends. Two of my friends read a palm reading book over break. They told me i'd have a long life with 3 kids, 2 of one gender and one of a different gender. I asked them why they use the right hand (this is the part where I learn something) they said its because the right hand is for you and the left hand is for your soulmate. It means that when your with the person your supposed to be with they'll have the exact same lines and markings on their right hand as you have on your left hand and vice versa. I wasn't sure if I quite believed it or not but it was interesting and stuck with me.

Its been awhile since something super big happened in the politics world that I was following but the time has come. Have you guys heard what's going on between north and south korea? For those of you who don't know North Korea is a country ruled by a dictator (mental guy with too much power) and the people of north korea suffer. They are also not on speaking terms with South Korea. They've been enemies for like ever. So the other day North Korea just bombs South Korea over the stupidest of reasons. One of them accidently got on the other side of their border. They bombed a little island close to the place one of my good friends wants to visit in South Korea. I don't think they killed anyone but they got the message across. They have bombs and they mean business. This could be nothing but worst case senario the U.S. Will go to war and back South Korea up and China will back North Korea and it will be world war three. In the words of both God and Justin bieber #Pray. Pray that that doesn't happen and if your not a believer cross your fingers.

Winter formal is still coming up. I don't have much time before it happens. I still don't have my dress but its all anyone at school can talk about. Everyone is also talking about their dates. Where them and their dates are going to dinner, what color tux their getting, where their girlfriends making them take pictures and blah blah blah. I get to hear about ti all the time. I don't have a date. Truth is I didn't want to go with any of them. I didn't think any guy at my school could show me a real good time. Their all jerks and going with people for all the wrong reasons. If there was a nice boy who wanted to take me who I knew I could have fun i'd totally go with them but there isen't one. Oh well, thats life. I'll suffer through the formal date talk. Not many days left before the real thing happens.

song of the day: Please Return my call by Trey Songz

quote of the day: "Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience."

"Children are Crying/Soldiars are dying/Some people don't have a home/But I know there's sunshine behind that rain/...I close my eyes & Pray"

Hey! Guess what i'm doing right now? I'm listening to Justin Bieber's acoustic album. It is simply amazing. I know there are a lot of Justin Bieber haters out there and thats whatever but I love the boy. He's my age and he can play the piano, guitar, and the drums. He sings with the voice of an angel, travels from place to place and is living his dream. How many people can say they did that all at only 16? I loved the regular album but I think I like the acoustic album better. All those songs have a whole different feel. They touch your heart. Everyone should check it out, my baby baby baby won't let you down.

So I figured something out about myself at the Trey Songz signing. I am a brave girl. You know most people think of me as a sweet little girl, and kind of weak. But when I need to be I can step it up and be a brave girl. I guess I always knew I had it in me but I didn't realize it until I was standing up to security guards and stuff at Nebraska Furniture Mart. Then I realized if I can be this brave here how come I can't be brave like that all the time? Then I got my answer. I figured out I go through day to day life pretty numb. What do I mean by numb? I mean I take the easiest route possible to avoid confrontation, akwardness, and messy situations. I don't feel. Thats why when I go to concerts I feel so alive and free because I'm just me. I let my wings spread and I fly. I don't care weather people think I'm crazy, or if I'm dancing right, or if I look fat in my outfit. I'm just free and alive. It feels amazing, but the thing is I could feel that way every day if I just free myself. The thing is I'm already used to living this way, it will be hard and it will make life more difficult but the way i'm going now I'm just wasting my life away you know?

Then of course I got back to thinking about Prince. I'm sorry for those of you who are annoyed that I blog about him so much. I just think about him a lot. I'm not over him, and when I say I am I'm trying to be numb again. If I really let myself feel my heart always goes back to him. I don't know why. I just do. He's my boy you know? Not in the same way as Trey Songz, and Justin Bieber but in a way that just touches my heart. I try to convince myself thats now true though. I spend a lot of time trying to find reasons why I shouldn't tell him smushing my self confidence in the process. Maybe realistically there is a shot for me and him. Maybe we do have things in common, and we do belong together. I was once told to never chase boys, it kills all the appeal. I want to be chased. I want Prince to want me just as much as I want him. My head says he dosen't, my heart says that deep down in his heart somewhere he does. Which ones right? I have no idea. But here I am thinking about him again. My man, my prince.

song of the day:Pray by Justin Bieber

quote of the day: Sometimes people (like me) put up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

"Theres always that one person that will always have your heart/You never see it coming cause your blinded from the start" - Usher

Hey!
The last blog wasen't enough for me to finish talking about one of the best days of my life. After I met Trey Songz me,Olivia and Sarah hung around to stare at bits and pieces of his sexy face for awhile. After that we went down to quizznos for some dinner. My dad picked us up and we were headed to the Sprint Center for me to expireance something surreal. The OMG TOUR includes USHER, Trey "Mariam's celebrity husband" Songz, and Miguel. Miguel started the show but he didn't sing much. He was a little bit unmemorable but his songs were good and made me dance around a little. Then came my boo, Trey Songz. He had changed from earlier and was in all white and a black jacket. He didn't leave the jacket on for long. So imagine sexy Trey songz in all white singing all the hits like Say Aah, Bottoms Up, Can't be friends, I need a girl, and Love faces. After one song he told the crowd he was getting hot and lifted up his shirt to wipe his face. The crowd went wild. He messed with us for a little while until he just took it off. He has a really really sexy body. It litteraly inspired me to work out because if I ever want a man like that my body better be kim kardashian ready. He was hott! It was a really good performance. I got a poster of him so now when I wake up his face is the first that I see.

After Trey was my man Usher. I love Usher. I've loved that man since I Was in kindergarden and the album My Way came out. I'm not exagerating. I've loved every change and every album. Usher made one hell of an enterence last night. He pops up from the ground right in front of my face and floats of this little thing all the way to the stage. There were indoor fireworks and everything. Then he sang every song I could have posibly wanted too. He sang through the different stages of my life. I had a memory for each song that I was connected too. It was a dream come true. I love him. He was sexy too. He went shirtless a couple times and the crowd was crazy. He sang Yeah, U remind me,Burn, Confessions, My boo, Nice and Slow, Trading Places, OMG, DJ got us fallin in love again, There goes my baby, and a million more. He really gave us a show. He performed for like 3 hours strait with minimal breaks. Usher Raymond the 4th is talented, talented, talented. Never have I heard a guy sing as well as he did last night. And boy he could dance!

Usher also did a Michael Jackson Tribute. It was really cool. Suddenly these silver shoes appeared and he started speaking about how we reasently lost one of the greatest entertainers that ever lived. He was wearing a red thriller jacket and asked us all if he could "fill Michael's shoes". He stepped in the shoes and started moon walking and messing around with some Michael moves. It was awesome. He was also a reallly funny guy. During his song U remind me he was a player and the four main female dancers were all his girlfriends. He did kind of a little music video senerio. Then the three girls saw him with one of the other girls and they all realized what was going on. The other three girls were acting really upset and one was going crazy. This one was dressed a little getto. Usher turns around and goes "Tameka stop it!". It was pretty funny because Tameka is his ex wifes name.

All in all Usher was the best performer of the night. He sang some of the best songs ever written all of them being my favorites. I finally got to see the guy who turned me on to music. Before Usher and Alicia Keys I listened to songs but I didn't feel them and I never really liked music as much as I did when I heard those two. Those two made me feel their pain, made me dance, made me dance and helped me escape my world into theirs through music.It was really a great expireance. I loved every minute of it. I LOVE USHER & TREY SONGZ!

Song of the day: Trading places (one more story. He pulled a fan out from the crowd who was dressed really pretty. Typical girl that guys like. Light skinned girl with a curly weave and she was curvey and everything). He called her up to the stage and said that they had planned this earlier and she was an especially dedicated fan because she had an usher tattoo on her shoulder. Usher sang trading places and they hung around together and messed around on a couch and he kissed her. It was steamy. I wished I was her so bad.

quote of the day: "Tameka, Stop it!"

"Making love faces/Shadows on the wall while the candles burning/Messing up the bed while your sweating out your perm/and Making Love Faces" - Trey

Hey Everyone!
Yesturday was a fantastic day in my life. It definatly makes the top 20 at least. I woke up early and got full dressed up. New skirt, top, cardian, tights, and shoes. I did my nails pink and sparkly. Did my make up and I was ready, ready to meet Trey Songz. In the past few months I've developed a love affair with Trey. Hes one of the sexiest men alive. Probably the sexiest man alive. He rights these amazing songs like "I need a girl" "Say Aah" and "Love Faces". Its awesome. He also has a six packs and one of the hottest bodies every. Anyways I went to Nebraska Furniture Mart and got there 2 hours early expecting to be one of the first in line with my friends olivia and sarah. I was wrong, the first person arrived at 8:00 am. The line was increadably long. When we got there they told us that we had to buy the Pain, Passion, Pleasure CD so we did. We waited in line for 4 hours and people were going crazy.

Trey Songz arrived and the screams could be heard from miles around. People started running out of line and we scooted up to take their places and get close to our autograph (pictures weren't allowed). We thought we were really close to the front only to find out the line curves around. I was pissed off. I started telling the security gaurd just how p.o'd I was. I can be really courgeous when it has to do with something I want. I was proud of my courage and back bone because my other friends coulden' do it. It was starting to feel like I woulden't meet Trey Songz. I thought over the sitaution in my mind and realized I had already paid the money for the cd + the $80.00 to see him perform that night. I deserved to meet him. I told my friends we were going to have to play dirty. I found an opening and snuck in the line. These girls started talking about us and I just gave her a mean face. She kept talking but she didn't do anything. I let the people who would recognize us as "cutters" pass and then we just flowed. Within 5 minutes I was next in line to meet Trey Songz.

HES EVEN SEXIER IN PERSON! It was fantastic. I got up there and the security guard took the page he was going to sign (turned to the chineese food pictures as he requested) and handed it to him. I watched him sign it and he looked up and gave me this super seductive look. He was seriously in control of me. Then he gives me the sexiest smile ever. It was serious seducing. I think he does that with everyone because he knows thats what we all want. I finally got up the courage to say Thank you and I smiled at him. He goes Thank you in this really attractive voice. I walk away and take a second look back at him. After I leave I start freaking out. I got an autograph and everything. It was AMAZING! I fell in love.The plan was to say "I love you so much will you marry me" but those eyes had me hypnotized. I froze. If he had seriously said chop your arm off, move to australia with me, and never speak another word I would have dropped everything and gone with him. I was that into him. I now have a gigantic poster by my bed so I can see his face everytime I wake up. Yay! Who knows maybe someday I will marry him!



song of the day: Love Faces and I need a girl by Trey songz

quote of the day: OMG! ITS TREY SONGZ (heard that a million times yesturday)

funny story: One of the women in line was supposedly nine months pregnant. Her water broke. She called security and they dialed 911. She didn't look like a women in labor to me but they believed her. Trey Songz asked what was going on and they told her she was having a baby. He got up and went to give her a hug and say comforting words to her before the strecher came and went back to signing. The women got rolled out in a strecher. If she was really in labor she probably will name that baby Trey. I would have

"I've had the time of my life & I've never felt this way before/And I swear its the truth/And I owe it all to you"

Hi everyone!
First I thought I should say thank you for reading this. I feel really good that you guys are finding something out of my life and relating too it. I meant to blog a lot more this week but I had a term paper due :/. I'm taking American Lit. This year and my teacher graduated ivy league so she expects us to do everything that advanced. It took me a long time to put the whole thing together but it turned out ok. It was on the Scarlet Letter. The book was ok, i perfer more modern books though. Did anyone go see the movie Easy A? Thats basically the Scarlet Letter in cooler form. Speaking of movies, I went to see Harry Potter! I'm a fan, have been for a long time. I was getting a little tired of it because I've been reading and watching these movies for almost ten years but this one sparked my cheesy excitment about it again. I also watched the American music awards. I'll recap a little for those who missed it...

Rihanna performed her new version of love the way you lie, she did whats my name, and only girl. I love all 3 of those songs so her performance was one of my favorite of the night. Taylor swift killed it with back to december. Enrique Iglasias made me wish I was better at spanish and also had me dancing. Justin bieber premired Pray (I know, I know everyone is shoked when I saw I like him but hes cute and talented). He played the piano which was really cool. He was good at it. Usher also performed and that was exciting because I got a sneak peak of what i'm going to see this saturday when I go to the concert. I'm going with 2 friends and it should be fun.

Last weekend me and my friends tried to have a "truth circle". We were all going to address some of the things that we've been feeling latley. How did it turn out? It was an epic fail. When we got to Ihop we just all pretended that was never part of the planned and small talked the night away. It was an event and we made the effort but I think we're all just really tight and closed in about our feelings. Maybe its not a bad thing.

Tommorow is thanksgiving and I have family coming from missouri and a lot of my parents friends who had no where else to go. We will cook the turkey and do the whole ordeal. I've been thinking about what i'm thankful for. The list could go on and on but i'll keep it short. 1. Family and Friends. 2. This blog for giving me an "emotional outlet". 3. School, because knowledge is power (even though it gets broing sometimes) 4. Living in a safe place. 5. Just finding a reason to smile everyday. It keeps me going.

Happy early Turkey Day everyone!

song of the day: The Time (dirty bit) - Black Eyed peas

quote of the day: Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.

"Baby, your a firework/Come on let your color burst/Make them go oh oh as you shoot across the sky" - Firework Katy Perry

Hello Hello,
Remember when I said I was questioning my friends and my where my life is a little? I still totally am. Truth be told my friend group that I thought would always be stable is breaking apart. Whenever we all hang out together we don't really click or all talk anymore. Its really sad because we all really used to be the best of friends. We used to share everything, I remember we had a sleepover at the end of ninth grade year and it was just one of those days that I had more fun then ever though imaginable. We clicked, we shared everything with each other. I think what happened was people went through a lot of different tough things that changed them and they didn't really share with everyone as a whole. It also has to do with the little things that bug each person about the other became a bigger deal. I just wish we were that connected because I miss being a part of that and having people that I could trust and fall back on.

On a more positive note I am really excited about two things in my life. Number One: Winter Formal. I am really excited that I Get to dress up in a pretty dress with gorgeous heels and get the hair and nails did. I get to be all fancy. Not to mention it might just be the thing that pulls our friend group together. I am also really excited about my birthday. But there are are a couple of downers attached with this. The first one is the fact that the limo I was planning to rent broke down, and they only have a ten passenger one available. I wanted to invite 15 people. Now I can only invite ten. Its going to be really hard picking and choosing, but I guess truth be told I kind of know who I want there and who I wont. But the problem comes when everyone you want to invite is friends with the one you don't want to invite and they speak in front of them. It can be an issue. I'm still excited about it nonetheless. I'm sure it will come together.

song of the day: Firework by Katy Perry

quote of the day:Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence

"Hey boy I really want to see if you can go downtown with a girl like me/Cause your just my time/oh nana whats my name"

Hi everyone!
Guess what I'm doing? I've been reconsidering the people who are important in my life and those who aren't. Obviously my family will always be the most important to me, hands down. But I mean when it comes to friends. A friend is a person that should be always there for you right? Whenever you need it? Well some of mine don't qualify for that. It also sucks when your in a one sided friendship. The kind where your the only one making an effort to talk to the person and show concern and they just ignore your needs. You can't call yourself someone's friend without effort. Friendship like everything else takes work. It doesn't just happen. I guess over the last 2 months its been hard to find someone who cares enough to listen to what i've been feeling and thinking. Some friends were there and some weren't. But I hung out with 2 friends over this weekend and last weekend and realized that they were keepers.

As you all know I rejoined Girl Scouts and i've been enjoying it. Today we raked leaves as a fundraiser and I liked it because we raised a pretty decent amount of money. We're also selling cookies, our main fundraiser. We plan on taking a trip this summer and next summer which is pretty exciting. I have big dreams about where to go but I don't want to get in the way or be too pushy because I know I can be that way sometimes. It should be fun no matter where we end up going. Most of the girls on my troop are really really down to earth and we talk about stuff and keep it real. Its awesome. They've also been there to just get someone your own age to talk and relate too.

I'm still having the Prince problem and problems with boys in general. We're having a formal next month and I don't have a date. I really don't think I'm allowed to date anyways it just would have been nice to be asked or ask someone. Going back to Prince and guys past in general it just makes me sad that they didn't like me at all. Or even want to get to know me. And as for asking someone I feel like they'll say no, because i've noticed that boys at my school don't really like black girls. Just all the boys in general tend to only stick with caucasian girls. It might just be a coincidence but some of my native and hispanic friends have noticed it too. My school is defiantly not racist or anything but those are just the girls that rule the school. The "in crowd". There is one boy, thats really nice to me. He's from a part of Europe but he's lived here so long he doesn't have an accent or anything. He's sweet, and doesn't ignore me. He makes me feel like maybe I am someone worth knowing. Who knows? Maybe we'll go together

Took another visit to KU the other day. I'm most likely going to go there because I liked what I saw on the tour. They have a good pharmacy program and even find you a job after graduation. Could I ask for anything better?

Song of the day: What's your name: Rihanna ft. Drake (my love)

"I have the time of my life/and I own it all to you" - The Time (dirty bit) by the black eyed peas

Hey everyone!
Do you ever take the time to just sit and dance around in your living room? If you even have time in between tests, homework, work, and all that other boring stuff. It's one of my biggest stress relievers. I got a ton of new songs latley. Let me tell you what they are:

1. THE WHOLE ENTIRE SPEAK NOW ALBUM BY TAYLOR SWIFT BECAUSE ITS EFFING AMAZING :)
2. Almost love by fine frenzy (just recently discovered it. Its slow sort of hippish. The chorus is awesome)
3. Ke$ha has some new songs out that are fantastic and upbeat: Sleazy, Cannibal, and the best one WE R WHO WE R! Their all fun to dance around too
4. Forget you by Cee lo Green (if your the dirty kind of person theres an unedited version. Its not disgusting or anything just fun and a little old fashioned sounding)
5. Get Back up by my men T.I. and Chris Brown
6. Firework by Katy Perry (has she ever had a song that wasen't good?)
7. Glee: Teenage Dream, ONE LOVE, Stop in the name of love/free yourself, Livin on a prayer/start me up
8. The Time by the Black Eyed Peas (best dance song in a long time)
9. Whats my name Rihanna ft. Drake (Do I need to say more, its Rihanna and Drake. Their both awesome)
10. Yeah 3x by Chris Brown (hes coming back, I knew he wouldn't let me down)

Just thought i'd let you in on what i've been listening too latley.

I see you driving around w/ the boy I love/& i'm like forget you & forget him too/I guess the change in my pocket wasen't enough/forget you oo ooo"

Hey! Happy Daylight Savings everyone. Its especially happy for me, because I no longer have to freak myself out by driving in the dark to get to 0 hour every morning. I really hate 0 hour guys. I wake up at the crack of dawn to play in orchestra. I discovered something today. I am really bad at the cello. Truth be told I hadn't played just by myself in years so I finally got to hear myself today and it was not very pleasing. It dosen't sound like somethings dying but its not yo yo ma either. For those who don't know yo yo ma is like the best cello in the world. For now at least.

So now my mind is on two things. Formal and My birthday. MY mother actually dreads when my birthdays coming up. Not because she dosen't love me but because its all I can talk about. I get a bit obsessed with making it the perfect day because when else do I get a day where wishes come true, I get a year older and a year wiser. Anyways I like birthdays. I was in choir class and we watched a video about a women turning 107 years old this month. Its amazing! 107 years. Imagine all the stuff thats happened to you in your lifetime then double, triple, or quadruple that. She got through it all with music, which proves that Michael Jackson was right about music having healing powers, and that music is pretty magical. This woman was sent to a concentration camp and managed to save herself with her piano and singing skills. Not only was she the only one in her family to live past the concentration camp but obviously shes really lived. I've noticed the people that have been through a lot live the longest because they get dragon skin. Their so tough that the little things don't get to them because they appreciate each breath they take. Would you guys want to live to 107? Just wondering

So I think I told you all at one point that I wrote a book. I actually finished it and its pretty good if I say so myself. Its all based of day dreams i've had for like forever only I water them down so their not as cheesy and actually make a good story. I stopped writing for a long time, because I wasn't sure about the other main character of the book in my real life and how I felt about them. Yesterday I just got this urge to start writing. I wonder what that means. I'm trying not to feel anything when it comes to Prince (other main character). I don't know I guess its working.

Being a teenager can be pretty hard you know? Theres all this drama with social class and where you stand on the food chain. Then you have to deal with people disliking you just because they can, and judging you. Then you have to learn as much as you can and pray for a scholarship so you can make something of yourself. Its all difficult. But I'm going to make it, I know I Can, you broke the girl in me but you won't break the WOMAN!

song of the day: Forget you by Cee Lo Green (This is AWESOME! Its got an old timey feel too it).

quote of the day: Fiction gives us a second chance that life denies us (this is kind of how I feel about my book. Like its letting me live what I always wanted but the world didn't let me)

"Reaching out to touch a stranger/Electric eyes are everywhere/See that girl/She knows I'm watching/She likes the way I stare"

This blog is for the Michael Jackson fans. I'm not talking about the ones who know the thriller dances, or learned how to moonwalk but the ones who truley love MJ. And even those of you who are a little obsessed like me. Those true fans would know that Michael Jackson was married to Lisa Marie Presley (Elvis's daughter) for about 2 years. She rarely speaks about the marriage but she came on Oprah last Thursday to speak for the one and only time about her marriage with MJ. Thank goodness she had only positive things to see.

Point #1 The marriage was real! They were two people very much in love with the faith of staying together forever.

Point #2 Lisa said that the day that Michael died was one of the weirdest of her whole entire life. She woke up in London with tears and went through her whole day crying. While she was in bed getting ready to fall asleep she got weird texts the first from John Travolta saying "Are you ok?" "have you heard?" Lisa was confused so she turned on the t.v. and she saw that her ex husband had died. The tears only got worse after that. She was heartbroken

Point #3 What most people didn't know was that MJ and Lisa Marie Presly had tried to get back together four times after they divorced. It never worked out but at that time he had Prince and Paris and was technically married to Debbie Roe. He still loved her and she still loved him. Eventually she was tired of being heartbroken and had to let him go. She blocked him out for good in order to move forward with her life.

Point #4 The last singificant deep conversation she had with im was in 2005 during the time of his trial and she felt like he was checking to see where she was in the whole situation. He asked if she still loved him and she said,"I'm indifferent".He started crying on the phone because that wasn't the answer he wanted to hear.

The interview was super good and these are just a few of the things discussed on the show. It also helps if you watch the old interview of MJ and Lisa Marie with Diane Sawyer. You get to see how in love they really are and the whole interview has more meaning.

Oprah is going to interview Katherine & Joseph Jackson (Michaels parents) along with Prince, Prince Michael the second (Blanket), And Paris in their backyard. Its Katherines first interview since his death, and the kids first interview ever. I'm too excited to hear what they have to say and see their personalities. Its going to be great so all the real fans are totally gonna be watching it on Monday, the 9th. It should be great :)

song of the moment: Human Nature by Michael Jackson

Quote of the day: If I could be your superman,
I'd fly you to the stars and back again.
'cause everytime you touched my hand,
You feel my powers running through your veins.
But I can only write this song,
And tell you that I'm not that strong.
'Cause I'm no superman, I hope you like me as I am

(is this not amazing? I loved it."

Someday I'll be living in a big city & all your ever gonna be is mean/Someday I'll be big enough so you cant hit me & all your ever gonna be is mean

Hey...you know the saying you never know a good thing till its gone? I've been feeling that a lot today. If you've been a follower for a long time you'd know last year around this time I started talking about a J. This J was my neighbor, a cute one at that. And it seemed like he liked me, we quickly became friend. J has a girlfriend now. Is it me? nope, its another girl, the kind that would you feel bad even being mad at. The kind whos hand open heart surgeries and is a miracle child. The one that was his best friend, and is now dating him, and they'll probably get married and have a million and one babies just as miraculous as they both are. Do I sound bitter? Whos bitter? Not me. Okay, maybe just a little bit but life goes on. I didn't cry or anything its just sad that one of the only people from school thats ever made me feel special and worthy didn't think I was great enough. Does it suck? yeah, but that happens sometimes. Especially when your me. But its not like I put my heart and soul into the whole situation. Life goes on and there are many fish in the sea

I also started thinking about my old friends today. I liked them. I always try to tell myself when somethings gone I didn't need it anyway but seeing my junior high friends today made me wonder if I would have been different with them. One of them is this super nice Christian girl that I really got along with. But seeing her today was awkward and I felt like I made it that way by not keeping contact. Then I thought back even further to friends I've lost along the way. I look at how their lives are going and wonder if that could have been me. Lately I don't like what I see when I go to social events to the people I should be closest too. I don't like being annoyed or having to pretend. I hate having to lie about how I feel or when something bugs me and I've been doing it a lot more then I should have too. But I worry too much about hurting peoples feelings. If your reading this its totally not you, but these other people in my life. At least my families awesome :)

I saw a random act of kindness the other day. I was at the big football game her in town and in front of me was a special ed student sitting next to his big stack of yougio (sp?) cards. 3 guys were trying to hind a seat and they came walking in between me and my friends and the boy. One of the boys knocked over the special ed boys cards. This boy is really cute but I happen to know that hes the biggest jerk ever. Hes done some pretty mean things to me personally and other people I know. This boy stopped, leaned over to help pick up the cards and his butt was awkwardly in my face. He then turned around and says, "I'm so sorry, didn't mean to do you like that". I was like "its ok". After that he leaned back down picked up the cards for the boy and says, "Are these alright now? You want me to put them in a different order?". The boy doesn't say anything so he walks away and meets up with his friends again. I thought it was the sweetest thing, and it showed me that people can totally change. Its so possible.

song of the day: Mean by Taylor Swift

quote of the day: Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

"Your strings of light are still bright to me/Oh,who you are is not where you've been/Your still an innocent"

Hi faithful followers,
I figured I should start by my mini epiphanies. I've been having them all weekend. Here it goes, 1. this blog is totally my sanity. Theres too much I keep inside and with this blog I get to let it all out. You have no idea how freeing it is. My head hurts right now from analysis and physics homework, but now that I'm typing these words out its slowly going away. 2. Music makes me happy. Listening to Taylor Swifts speak now album makes me smile. And making music is my way of expressing the feelings I can't express any other way with the exception of the blog. 3. My epiphanies totally aren't as cool as the ones in the movie where they figure out a cure for a deadly disease or the numbers to the lottery. But hey, you start small and work your way up.

Last night I was thinking to myself, is hope just another way of lying to yourself. What do you guys think about this? The definition of hope is: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. Lying to yourself is kind of the same thing. You know like when people do something their not supposed to their like, hmm maybe no one will find out (events will turn out to be the best). Or just because he didn't text back doesn't mean he doesn't like me (dido on the hoping for the best thing). They seem pretty alike to me. I wonder if I'm just being pessimistic. That may be it. Anyways after mulling it over for a little while I figured out that Hope is different from lying in the way that I can't really explain in words. A.k.a I prefer not to think i'm lying to myself when I dream of a better future or a better day. Because I just do I guess. Don't we all. Thats why we call it hope. Without hope, the world would be pretty scary don't you think? Nobody would put effort in anything because they would think things would turn out for the best. So its good that we all have hope, even if we may just be lying to ourselves. Are you confuzzled? I am too.

Next topic, Today is election day and its a pretty big deal. I like politics and although we're not voting for president in this election, we are voting for Governors and members of congress. Here in my town we're also voting for the government to fund an awesome new library!But the thing about tonights election is if the republicans take over a majority of congress then everything Obama's been working towards is ruined. Because no matter what plan he comes up with the republicans will probably just all vote no and if their a majority this will happen and none of his bills will pass. If you believe the republican way then this is a good thing if you don't its a bad thing. I'm curious to see how the whole ordeal will turn out.

On the celebrity news side, Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey are having a baby. They don't know weather its a girl or a boy yet but congratulations to the happy couple. Lilly Allen on the other hand got some sad news, she lost her second pregnancy. Poor thing, we should all keep her in our prayers/posative thoughts. Demi Levato checked into rehab but not the lindsey lohan kind, shes having some physical/emotional problems and needs help. In my opinion thats code for my boyfriend dumped me for Ashley Greene (alice in twilight) and i'm p.o'd about it. She may actually be going through some rough times so we should keep her in our posative thoughts too.

song of the day: Innocent - Taylor Swift (FROM SPEAK NOW, a super amazing album). This is the one about kanye

quote of the day: "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, you should first dig two graves."