"You Hit Me With "I Know You're There With Someone Else". That Pussy Knows Me Better Than I Know Myself"

I'm going to start this post by saying Shit Happens. Especially when it's me on this search for love I've been obsessed with my whole life. Let me remind you of my second grade poem (editing corrected) : "Love is something you can never give up. It's something you just know and that it will go on for the rest of your life. And you know you can never live without them and your really lucky if yo have that. The end." I've wanted it for so long! I try to find love in every man I get to know and maybe I'm wrong for doing that. Maybe it puts too much pressure on them. Maybe it makes me let the wrong guys get away with too much, because I'm hoping that even with their flaws they can find a way to love me. After pretty much exactly two months, the moose ghosted on me. He blocked me on his phone, twitter, snapchat, and instagram. All at once with no kind of warning what so ever.

Two nights before he disappeared he gave me a beautiful speech about how you're supposed to go in blind when it comes to love. You're not supposed to protect yourself from hurt. You're supposed to let yourself feel and try to see the best in the person. The entire time we were talking I was searching for his lies. To be fair there were many of them. He had a girlfriend. Every time I asked if he had one, he said no. Then I finally admitted that I knew he had one from twitter. The girl posts about him. He forced her to make her page private and brushed it off as nothing. He kept telling me to "chill". What he didn't know was it wasn't over, because I can see her on instagram. So I brought it up again, and he said that they were together but not really. He was only with her for the perks that she provides. He said that she was related to the vice provost of the school who helped him with a situation he faced there. He told me she was really well off and drove a Range Rover and an Audi 6. I believed him. I felt that it was wrong to use a woman for what she had, but he made her the enemy. You make someone dislike someone by making them less human. It's what Hitler did and what he did as well. He convinced me that she wasn't like us. That she was rich and spoiled and it didn't matter that he was using her. He said that they don't spend a lot of time with one another. Blah blah blah.

The secrets lied in her instagram. She definitely didn't look like a rich girl to me, but I didn't dwell on it until the second time my best friend came to see me. She pointed out that the pictures of the girls room looked basic AF. I'm not a rich girl, but I sleep on a bed with a headboard. I have a night stand, desk, and dresser. All four match. She had none of the above. He said she drove a Range Rover, but when she posted her view there was a van. Monday night during the nice conversation we had, I asked him who he went to Texas Roadhouse and got pedicures with. I knew that it was her. He wouldn't admit it. He said he got pedicures with EJ who also needs them, because they both play basketball again. He claimed to go out to eat with friends to. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't. I told him exactly why I couldn't. His snaps never have people in them. How suspicious is that? He also was talking about how broke he was. Probably because he paid for all of this days festivities for him and bae. I still chose to believe him. To truly believe him.

 Woke up the next morning and sent him a text that said "Good Morning use. I woke up thinking about you and our conversation, and I Want you to know that I do trust you. I really amy willing to give it my all and go in blind, because I really want to feel everything that I feel for you. I hope you have a really really really really really great Monday". All he said back was "I like your style". That's when I should have known. That's not enough. I said something beautiful and he sent back one line and a smiley face emoji. Red flags people. Red flags. I still felt okay about it. Until I went to shawty's instagram again. She posted photos of him and her mother at Texas Roadhouse. She followed that post up with a national boyfriends post. In the post she thanked him for watching her dog (who he told me was his roommates even though I knew better), and all the delicious meals he's been making her. The meals that I've been helping him cook! I felt betrayed. The snaps he was sending me, he was sending her too. It was too much. I had just decided to open up and give him all of me, and I realized the person I wanted to do all of this for is a lier. I told him I lied and he said I was over reacting. I also sent him a great Omarion Ice Box Emoji that I'm really proud of. He asked if we could talk about this so we did.

I told him everything I felt. All my emotions were on the table. I told him he lied and he kept asking what he lied about. I told him that he was only asking, so he would't accidently reveal other things he had lied about, because he's a liar. His defense was that he didn't lie he just "omitted information". In that moment it just sounded like blah blah blah to me. As I told my story and asked him to answer certain things, it was becoming obvious that a lot of what he'd said to me about other women was a lie. During this conversation, he interacted with another women that complemented his cooking skills and mentioned his girlfriend. I asked him what that last line she said was and he refused to answer, because he knew it was about his girlfriend. He said that I was antagonizing him, and it wasn't fair because he didn't have anything on me. That's when I realized he didn't have anything on me because I'M A GOOD PERSON! Unlike most people, I can be an open book. Nothing to hide.

I guess part of what really hurt me was that he was going to dinner with her mom. That's a big deal. Only serious boyfriends meet parents. I've never introduced my mother to a man. None of the ones in my life have been worthy of her presence if we're being honest. He said that it was no big deal. That american girls are different. They always introduce men to their families. Even if they're just friends. I guess what he failed to realize is that I'm an American girl too. I know what American girls do.That's not it. He asked if I had guy friends and I said I didn't. That's the truth. None that know my family and are close to me on a personal level. He said I was antagonizing him and he couldn't finish this conversation. I said I thought it was important to have the conversation when we were both vulnerable. He asked if I was breaking up with him. I said of course not. How could I go from wanting to grow in our relationship to wanting to break up. He asked what the point of this conversation was then (as if he wasn't the one who asked to talk about it). I told him that I just wanted him to know that I was hurt, and he said that he knew that. He could feel my hurt from all the way in Washington. That line meant something to me. I'm glad he acknowledged it. He then told me that we were going to finish this conversation later and hung up. I personally believe he had to hung out because it was national boyfriend day and he had an appointment to get some booty *Blacc Chyna voice*. I texted hm saying I wasn't rushing him to finish the conversation, but I was going to bed. That message went through but he did all the blocking at some point after that.

Being the pathetic girl I am, I still found a way to reach out to him. He called it "when ghosting goes wrong". It was so simple and a joke to him, but it broke me. I ended by telling him Kila la heri and he said "you too Mariam". So ends the story of him and I. It's over. People always leave. Correction: people always leave me. But you already knew that didn't you.

Song of the day : Faithful by Drake (ft. dvsn)

Quote of the day: Graceful exits are possible. Not everything has to be a tornado. Let go of people in silence and be appreciative of what you had.

2016 Break Up Playlist

I don't know what the theme of 2016 would be. It could be "Love like I've never known it Before", because I finally got to go on dates and have deeper connections with men who were at least semi-serious about me. It could also be "Heartbreak: over and over and over and over agaiiiiin" *dvsn voice*. With trying to find love comes finding heartbreak, and I am so grateful for the music that got me through it. Here it all is. In no particular order. 

1. A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans

2. Hold on to Me by X Ambassadors

3. Somebody's Heartbreak by Hunter Hayes

4. Break up in a Small Town by Sam Hunt

5. Too Good by Drake

6. Redemption by Drake 

7. Water Under the Bridge by Adele

8. Someone Like You by Adele

9. Rolling in the Deep by Adele (the seven stages of grief are real, and anger is especially real for me).

10. All on you by Nick Fradiani

11. I hate u, I love u by Gnash

12. Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes

13. Rather Be by Clean Bandit "If you gave me a shot, I would take it. It's a shot in the dark, but I'd make it" (Why didn't he give me another chance? Why did he give up on what we had?)

14. I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann W. (Don't let no hell bent heart leave you bitter. When you feel like giving up, reconsider)

15. Ordinary Girl by Hannah Montana 

16. Karaoke by Drake

17. He Wasn't Man Enough by Toni Braxton (Wish I could see her in concert tonight!!)

18. Sorry by Beyonce 

19. Sex With You by Rihanna

20. Cups (When I'm Gone) by Pitch Perfect Cast

21. What Can I Say by Carrie Underwood (this one hit home. More than any of the others)

22. Not Nice by PARTYNEXTDOOR

23. Try by Colbie Callout

24. Love Yourself by Justin Bieber 

These are the songs on rotation right now. Getting me through it. I'll be alright. 

Quote of the day: "Graceful exits are possible. Not every ending has to be a tornado. Let go of people in silence and be appreciative of what you had". 

"I Don't Wanna Take This Life For Granted Like I Used To Do. I Wanna Love Somebody; Love Somebody Like You"

Dear Kitty (If you caught the Anne Frank reference, you're the real MVP),

I fell in love again, and I didn't tell you. This time it was kept a secret, because I was pretty focused on school. When I wasn't in school, I was constantly communication with this man (lets call him Moose). I met him a year ago in Cali. We got to spend some one on one time together, because we were both under 21 and couldn't go to the bar with everyone else. We had a nice conversation, but I didn't really see it becoming anything more than it was. I assumed that all three men were going to fall for one of my best friends. She's drop dead gorgeous and a black guy magnet, so it was just a matter of time. I can't think of this encounter without that "black men love group sex" joke. Most memorable part of the whole experience. Fast forward about six months later and the moose is in my DMS. It was pretty casual, but he sent kissy faces. That caught my attention. I realized he saw me as more than a long lost encounter and was trying to see where it went. We eventually moved out of DMs and on to text messages after a message from him stating "A n---- don't have unlimited data" or something similar to that. So then we were texting. The conversation came to an end when I went to bed and he went to a party. That was that.

Fast forward another 6+ months. My father helped true love persevere. A friend of my fathers brought a friend of his to ask him a question when he was visiting Seattle. The guy told a story of how he was a single father in love with a women. This women's parents did not want him to marry her, but he had nothing but good intentions. He didn't want to know life without her and was willing to remain with her unmarried if that was the only option. Nothing was going to keep them apart (I am probably making this way more romantic than this actually was). The father of this beautiful girl was a guy that my dad grew up with. So he offered to go talk to him to see if he could help in some way or another. The conversation with the young maiden's father went well, and he agreed to let his daughter marry the lover boy. She invited our whole family to the wedding and said she wanted my dad right next to her father when she gets married. The young maiden happened to be the moose's cousin. So I knew that I would see the moose once again.

Fast forward to the wedding weekend. I got to wear three beautiful dresses and the celebration was unforgettable. Beautiful decor. I loved the table set up each of the days. The bride and group walking in to You're Still the One by Shania Twain, and I loved that too. It was great! Towards the end of he wedding, the DJ started playing American Music. Work, Controlla, and One Dance back to back. Despite the fact my unbelievable tall heels were killing me, I had to dance because Drake is bae. I love him. This was a week after I had experienced the magic that is the Summer Sixteen Tour, so I was hype. Mariam and I danced. He was dancing with his cousin and strategically made his way over to me. Next thing you know him and I were dancing. Next thing you know, I was semi-twerking on him. God only knows how long it lasted, because I was really nervous about my family. Eventually I turned around and acted like a respectable African Girl again. But it happened. So I'm desperately awaiting the video to see it. I saw him the next day at the lunch. He claims that he didn't see me. We didn't talk and I shot him a text that said "It was really good seeing you again" and he said "It was good seeing you too Mariam". This is probably where it should have ended, but of course it didn't.

I thought of him as I was happily touring Seattle. We went to the aquarium, beach from, Seattle Eye, China Town, Lake Washington, Underground Tour and so many other cool tourist places. Mariam and I spent most of our days out and about. I also enjoyed delicious African food cooked by my aunty Samia. Yum yum. We flew home on a thursday and our uncle happened to be on the same flight with his son. We all rode home together, and on the car ride back I text my moose. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it sparked a conversation. A conversation that went on for two straight months with the exception of 1-2 days total. We talked about everything. Our culture, our families, our majors, our academic experiences, our romantic experiences. When we talked about Drake and he could say the lyrics back to me so easily my heart was happy. When he sent me a beautiful playlist that Ed Sheeran made an appearance on, my heart was even happier. When he told me that when I See him, he could sing the entire 1989 album to me, I was ready to Thank God for helping me find my soulmate. Music is a big part of my life and an even bigger part of his life, so it was nice having someone to share these conversations with. He despised my country music, but who doesn't?

Though most of what he shared with me was good, there was a decent amount of bad too. Drug use and lots of women. But it didn't matter, because I felt that he was worth going through it for. I know it sounds stupid, but I was lost in a fairytale. The fact that it would be four years before we could even possibly live in the same city, and stood no chance of getting a physical connection didn't stop me. I still have this fairytale idea that love conquers all. I knew that if it was meant to be, it would be. It's been a long time since I have connected with a guy the way I connected with Moose. I may have never had that kind of connection to be honest. That all day every day on my mind. You're the first person I want to tell everything to kind of like. In the club snapping and texting you, because no one else could get my attention even if I tried. Only dressing up to snap you kind of like. I was in deep. It was real. I dove in head first and enjoyed everything we had while we had it. I wish I could tell you that this story ended in my happily ever after (finally), but it didn't. Stay tuned for the sad finale.

Song of the day: Somebody Like You by Keith Urban

Quote: "Stop being afraid to feel. The best feelings in life come organically. Something you aren't in control of. Trying to be numb is a waste of time"

"Living Might Mean Taking Chances, But They're Worth Taking. Loving Might Be A Mistake, But It's Worth Making"

Good Morning World,

Today is Thursday, and there are exactly four more days of summer left. This summer has been a time of many realizations for me, and I'm happy to say that I'm in a relatively good place now. While bored at work, I went to buzzfeed. As always, they didn't fail to entertain me. They had list of the most meaningful quotes from modern day literature. So many of them stuck up out to me. I decided to save and discuss a few.

 “When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence". 

This summer I spent a lot of time thinking about me. Things I have accomplished. Mistakes I have made. All the things I want for my life. At one point this summer, every time I thought about these things I would feel myself start to tear up. Would I actually cry? Sometimes. The most memorable day was when I was driving home from the gym. I was listening to I Hope You Dance for the beats and I realized that the wishes she was discussing were wishes I had for myself that I felt I wasn't reaching. It was Kim Kardashian ugly tears. That's when I realized just how hurt I was by the summers events. I don't cry. I don't get sad, so even a little bit of sadness is a huge deal to me. 

The lyric in I Hope You Dance that was really bringing all the feels was "Never settle for the path of least resistance. Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking. Loving might be a mistake, but its worth making. Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter". A majority of the advice I desperately needed was encompassed in this lyric. I have been settling for the path of least resistance. It's in my nature to just apologize when need be and deal with peoples craziness. I didn't realize how much it was negatively affecting me until I got to experience a couple days without giving those people that power in my life. I had a few people that drained me with their comments or negative energy. Although I'm still not mean enough to cut them off completely, I have learned to limit my time in their presence. The friendship can work under those circumstances. I also showed my Dad a body shaming video. It didn't work, but at least I tried. 

Taking chances. Each and every year I feel like I am more and more unapologetic. Capable of speaking my mind. I feel like I've reached a new peak this summer, and I'm proud of it. This is only the beginning. I hope I can continue to be this open with people and putting myself out there. Vulnerability has turned into another mini goal for the year. The second line really hit home too. Sometimes loving is mistake. Vulnerability gives another the power to hurt you. Sometimes you give the wrong person that power and they break you. But that doesn't mean you should be bitter. Bitter is where I found myself the first week of July. I was angry about my "wasted time". But it wasn't really wasted time was it? I learned, grew, and hurt. Hurting wasn't fun, but it needed to happen to take me to where I need to be. I slowly started barring bitterness from my heart and I'm in a much better place now. I met a new guy. A much better man. And I am so excited about him. It's a good feeling. 

Now back to the quote that started this whole post. That's quote was what I needed to get over the final hump and move towards joy. After I had worked through all my issues, I was still focused on me. How does this make me feel? Let me recall the different things I learned last week? What can I do to move myself further? It was I, Me, Her all the time. It was time finally time for me to stop dwelling on myself and start dwelling on the universe. My surroundings. School. The people I love. The things I love. And most importantly those that need me. I'm back to listening to others vent and reporting the freak maintenance incidents at KU that everyone else just walks by. La Vita e Bella ~ Life is Beautiful  

Song of the Day: I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack

Quote of the day:
 “When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence".

Strength and Guidance. All That I'm Wishing For My Friends

I'm at a crossroads with myself and all my self discoveries are leading to discoveries about the people in my life. These evaluations are just leading me to loneliness. For the first time in my life, I'm unhappy with almost all my friendships. I'm 21 and everyone is so engulfed in clubbing, drinking, and fucking. I normally edit these, so that they're a little brighter. I just can't brighten this cup. All three things go together. I have a friend who finds drinking glamorous. I really think she only drinks to snapchat and clink glasses, because drinking doesn't loosen her up. She's just as uptight and afraid as always. My other friends drink more recreationally. It's really fun for them and they enjoy being intoxicated. I just don't want to drink and watching them drink isn't fun for me. I thought a bar would be fun, because in the movies you sit on the stool and meet the love of your life. Who wouldn't want that? It really ends up being me sitting next to them as they take shots and we stare at each other in silence.

When did we become silent? That's the question I ask myself a lot these days. Part of me wonders if my friends were always silent, and I just didn't mind. Maybe I liked talking about myself, hearing myself talk, and giving my opinion so much that I didn't care or notice they weren't talking before. Maybe I silenced them. If I did, I feel guilty. Maybe my judgements were really too much. Maybe they don't feel loved by me or fear what I will say. All I know is there isn't much talking anymore. With some friends, I think it's because they have absolutely nothing going on. I think that they've paused their lives and aren't doing much of anything. Maybe they know exactly what they want and don't want to accept any more, or maybe they're just scared. Scared of heartbreak, failure, and everything that comes with living boldly and fearlessly.

The clubbing used to be fun for me. I loved it too. I loved dressing up and feeling beautiful. The new little black dress, make up, falsies. Nails done, hair done, everything did. I loved feeling beautiful and the exciting feeling of hoping to turn heads. Maybe my love for clubbing changed when my body did I've gained twentyish pounds. I was already fat, so this was a big blow. I got big girl clothes at the beginning of the summer and that really helped. Clothes that looked better on me and didn't suffocate me made me feel good. Feeling good made me exute more comfortable. You'll be happy to know that the sexiest men i've ever attracted have been after/during the weight gain. I know that big girls get action and attention too. I'm just not as motivated to go to these places and put myself out there. Heartbreak played a role in that too. Dancing another huge reason I used to go out so much, but the music in tonic sucks. Tonic is the only club open in the summertime, so it's boring. The music at the cave is a little more motivating. I don't even mind that there are a ton of people from school there anymore. As for this summer, I just don't want to club. I got in the first argument with one of my friend in a long time over the club. She wanted to go so bad, and I just couldn't sacrifice myself and my needs that day to fufill hers. I chose to put myself first. That's not the best quality to have in a friend, I know. You shouldn't put yourself first, but I just couldn't convince myself to do it that day. It's getting harder and harder for me to do it any day. I don't want to be unhappy.

Fucking. Last year I started messing with the idea of having a sexual relationship. The key word was a relationship, but to this day I haven't been able to find someone who is willing to commit today. Who wants to be my boyfriend and build a life with me. The two things go together for me. They don't have to go together for everyone, but they do for me. I think watching how sexual relationships have ruined my friends lives led me to this decision. Two of my truest, closest friends are sex obsessed. One of them is having sex with multiple partners and not telling me. The catch 22 is everyone else is telling me. I don't bring it up to her cause its none of my business. But what kind of friend doesn't open up to you about things like that. A distant friend. Not a close friend. The other one is the one telling me stories about my other friend without realizing that she's doing pretty much the same thing. She's been having one night stands masked as talking or special all year long. I don't crush them, because they mean something to her and negative comments make her closed off and sensitive.

That's the moral of the story. Everyone is sensitive, and I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore. I don't want to lie or hold things back just so we can still be friends. I don't want to drink, club, and fuck for the reasons mentioned above and many more. So what am I doing? Sitting at home by myself. It's lonely, and I'm not used to not having anything to do. This is a whole different world for me. It's helping me focus more on my delta work (which I want nothing to do with) and my school work. I started watching Ted Talks and attempting to better myself through self discovery. I want a boyfriend. Someone I can devote my free time to. Someone I can speak with unfiltered. Someone who can make me feel full. Someone to do things with. I think I expect too much for my friends.  I want the closeness one is supposed to get from love from them. That's too big of a burden for anyone. I'm going to counseling on Monday, and I think it'll be good for me.

Song of the day : One Dance by Drake

quote of the day: "At the innermost core of loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with ones lost self"

"And I'm Not Sorry That It's Over, But For The Way We Let It End. So I Said All I Had To Say, In Letters That I Threw Away"

MIND

Things he taught me. 

1. I learned something from blackgirlsareeasy.com . The whole spartan movement is something I am capable of. I can walk up to an attractive guy with a nice body and even nicer car. I can charm him with my woman prowess, and I am worthy of his attention. This is huge! He was the hottest guy I ever dated. I loved me some him and surprisingly he loved him some me to. For five months that is.

1b. I'm worthy of dates. He opened the door for that. I've gotten lots of other dates since. I didn't have to ask or anything. I think my new sense of security and self-worth showed these men that I know what I deserve. 

2. I no longer hold back my feelings. I am an excellent communicator. When I was unhappy, I told him. When I missed him, I told him. When I wanted more interaction, I told him. Even when he shut down and stopped trying, I expressed how I felt. I even risked losing him to express my feelings and desires. I put me first, and I'm proud of myself for doing that. 

3. People always leave. Peyton Sawyer taught me this one back in my One Tree Hill obsessed days (are they over? no). I really saw something in CJIII, Every sign pointed to him feeling the same way and us living happily ever after or at least happily until deployment. I never predicted he would leave and leave in this way. I trusted his words. He specifically said he would never not talk to me again. That's exactly what he chose to do. He left. He proved that everything Peyton said was true. 

4. Loving him does not mean him loving you. Unrequited love is real. That doesn't make the feels that I have less real. I can love a person without them loving me back. I can love a person even though they've done me wrong, and I do not have to feel guilty about this love. 

5. Being in love will be better. I loved loving CJIII. But being loved back will be better and I can't wait for that day to come. 

6. I need to stick to my new years resolution. No situationships in 2016. I only want to fall for people who are falling just as hard and just as fast for me. 

7.  I don't want to settle. If there are qualities that they posses that irritate me and I can't see past them, its better to let them go before either party is in too deep. I know what I want. If nothing else, I know how I want to feel. If its not there, I shouldn't commit so deeply to it. Hope is never a bad thing, but I have moved my hope into the bigger picture. I don't have to hope it works out with every man in my life. I just have to hope it works out someday. Preferably within the next 1-4 years. Prayers up!

Aside:

Yesterday I stayed in bed all day, because I was so sad about the whole situation. No one has ever ghosted to me after five months of communication. That's past ghosting and more just rude and completely disrespectful. Everyone deserves a goodbye. But I'm not going to sulk anymore about not getting one. It takes 21 days to break a habit. We're almost at 21 days since he stopped talking to me, but it's only the second day of me accepting that he's not coming back. I'm going to start taking steps to let him go. Out of site, out of mind. My postcard has been removed from my dresser and placed with all the other postcards in my collection. I deleted my messenger app, so I can stop creepily checking when he gets online and seeing if he opened my message. The hardest part is going to be getting rid of all the cards and letters I wrote him for his going away gift. But it begins today.

Song of the Day : What Can I Say by Carrie Underwood (our breakup song)

Quote of the day: "Sometimes we create our own heartbreak through expectation" 

"Imagine me being strong and not letting people break me down. You won't get that joy this time around"

MIND/HEART

 Familiarity : the quality of being well known; recognizably based on long or close association. 

I love opening a fresh sheet for a new post. It feels so familiar. The familiarity is comforting. Its officially been three weeks since my last post, and I'm still hurting over the loss of CJIII. I finally lost my mind. After he bailed on the date, we had a bit of a continued rough patch. I was not talking to him unless he talked to me (a policy I expressed to him during the break up phone call). He reached out to me one weekend, and we had a nice conversation. Our usual kind. I enjoyed talking to him again. We talked for about 3-4 days, and I think we were both enjoying that familiarity. I felt like I was initiating the conversation too much again. I was asking him questions that would help me understand him as a man and see if maybe we really never were compatible. Everything he said recently matched up with what he had said before. He told me that he did not like to be around people when they were sad and hurt which explained why I couldn't go to him in my low moments.

I stopped initiating the conversation, so we had another week of silence. I contacted him to see how he felt about me. I asked if the way our relationship was now was the was he wanted it to be. Pause - I keep using the work relationship. This is the first way that I lost my mind. Charles and I are not in a relationship. He refused to give our relationship that title. I am dating other people. Why do I insist on calling it that? Is it because I long for that kind of relationship so bad? Is it because we've been in the situation so long it just feels like a relationship? I do not know. But regardless of the reasoning, it was a mistake to speak in those terms. He blamed everything on me. He said that he was only talking to me when I talked to him, and I wasn't talking to him. I was determined to fix our issues and he tried to, but he couldn't. I wanted to take a trip together this upcoming weekend,and all he said was "..." because he won't have a car until he deploys. Him and I just think differently. If I want something, I make it happen. I don't take no for an answer. But maybe he doesn't try to make it happen, because he doesn't want it bad enough. I think that's the fundamental difference between my feelings and his at this point in time. I want him so much more than he wants me. He proceeded to ignore me all of 4th of July. and the next day. and the next day. I apologized, but it didn't make a difference.

 I think it's officially over. He's a coward. He either never really liked me in the first place or got scared when whatever we had needed to be more real. The idea of falling for someone and having real feelings was just too much for him. He cut it off and will get to deploy. To leave me and everything that reminds him of me here, so he can walk and fight guilt free. While I have to think of him every time I see Lebron James or go to the gym. I didn't live up to my new years resolution. I got into a situationship. But I'm happy, because this one made me grow. It showed me my worth. I deserve to be taken on dates. I deserve to have a mans undivided attention. I can be with a man that's 6'2" with a six pack and he'll still be hungry for all 186 pounds of me. At this point, I have to let it go. He isn't who he once was, and I cannot stick around for him to disrespect me more.

NEW FLAME (s?)

I can't get this heading to be the pretty purple too, so I let it go. JD and I had another nice day together. We had dinner in his car and talked and laughed a lot. I found out things about him that I liked. I really love men who are willing to talk about our future together. It shows that they have no fear and they are entering the situation hoping it ends in something real. He didn't tell me that he was leaving for two whole weeks, so us dating is on pause. I was super happy, giddy, and excited about everything. The pause was probably not the best thing for our young relationship. He went to a former city he lived in and it makes me think he might still have a girl or two there. I just didn't want him to leave. 

Then I went to KCGP and met Joseph. I think that's a story for a brand new post. Stay tuned my loves, stay tuned. 

Song of the day: Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin (This song is beautiful. Just what I need to hear at this point in my life)

Quote of the day: Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.