I'm at a crossroads with myself and all my self discoveries are leading to discoveries about the people in my life. These evaluations are just leading me to loneliness. For the first time in my life, I'm unhappy with almost all my friendships. I'm 21 and everyone is so engulfed in clubbing, drinking, and fucking. I normally edit these, so that they're a little brighter. I just can't brighten this cup. All three things go together. I have a friend who finds drinking glamorous. I really think she only drinks to snapchat and clink glasses, because drinking doesn't loosen her up. She's just as uptight and afraid as always. My other friends drink more recreationally. It's really fun for them and they enjoy being intoxicated. I just don't want to drink and watching them drink isn't fun for me. I thought a bar would be fun, because in the movies you sit on the stool and meet the love of your life. Who wouldn't want that? It really ends up being me sitting next to them as they take shots and we stare at each other in silence.
When did we become silent? That's the question I ask myself a lot these days. Part of me wonders if my friends were always silent, and I just didn't mind. Maybe I liked talking about myself, hearing myself talk, and giving my opinion so much that I didn't care or notice they weren't talking before. Maybe I silenced them. If I did, I feel guilty. Maybe my judgements were really too much. Maybe they don't feel loved by me or fear what I will say. All I know is there isn't much talking anymore. With some friends, I think it's because they have absolutely nothing going on. I think that they've paused their lives and aren't doing much of anything. Maybe they know exactly what they want and don't want to accept any more, or maybe they're just scared. Scared of heartbreak, failure, and everything that comes with living boldly and fearlessly.
The clubbing used to be fun for me. I loved it too. I loved dressing up and feeling beautiful. The new little black dress, make up, falsies. Nails done, hair done, everything did. I loved feeling beautiful and the exciting feeling of hoping to turn heads. Maybe my love for clubbing changed when my body did I've gained twentyish pounds. I was already fat, so this was a big blow. I got big girl clothes at the beginning of the summer and that really helped. Clothes that looked better on me and didn't suffocate me made me feel good. Feeling good made me exute more comfortable. You'll be happy to know that the sexiest men i've ever attracted have been after/during the weight gain. I know that big girls get action and attention too. I'm just not as motivated to go to these places and put myself out there. Heartbreak played a role in that too. Dancing another huge reason I used to go out so much, but the music in tonic sucks. Tonic is the only club open in the summertime, so it's boring. The music at the cave is a little more motivating. I don't even mind that there are a ton of people from school there anymore. As for this summer, I just don't want to club. I got in the first argument with one of my friend in a long time over the club. She wanted to go so bad, and I just couldn't sacrifice myself and my needs that day to fufill hers. I chose to put myself first. That's not the best quality to have in a friend, I know. You shouldn't put yourself first, but I just couldn't convince myself to do it that day. It's getting harder and harder for me to do it any day. I don't want to be unhappy.
Fucking. Last year I started messing with the idea of having a sexual relationship. The key word was a relationship, but to this day I haven't been able to find someone who is willing to commit today. Who wants to be my boyfriend and build a life with me. The two things go together for me. They don't have to go together for everyone, but they do for me. I think watching how sexual relationships have ruined my friends lives led me to this decision. Two of my truest, closest friends are sex obsessed. One of them is having sex with multiple partners and not telling me. The catch 22 is everyone else is telling me. I don't bring it up to her cause its none of my business. But what kind of friend doesn't open up to you about things like that. A distant friend. Not a close friend. The other one is the one telling me stories about my other friend without realizing that she's doing pretty much the same thing. She's been having one night stands masked as talking or special all year long. I don't crush them, because they mean something to her and negative comments make her closed off and sensitive.
That's the moral of the story. Everyone is sensitive, and I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore. I don't want to lie or hold things back just so we can still be friends. I don't want to drink, club, and fuck for the reasons mentioned above and many more. So what am I doing? Sitting at home by myself. It's lonely, and I'm not used to not having anything to do. This is a whole different world for me. It's helping me focus more on my delta work (which I want nothing to do with) and my school work. I started watching Ted Talks and attempting to better myself through self discovery. I want a boyfriend. Someone I can devote my free time to. Someone I can speak with unfiltered. Someone who can make me feel full. Someone to do things with. I think I expect too much for my friends. I want the closeness one is supposed to get from love from them. That's too big of a burden for anyone. I'm going to counseling on Monday, and I think it'll be good for me.
Song of the day : One Dance by Drake
quote of the day: "At the innermost core of loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with ones lost self"
About Me
- Forever yours, Mariam
- My name is Mariam and through this blog I'm discovering things about the world, and about myself. Through all my blogs you'll see craziness, political insight, celebrity mania, musical interest, total drama queen-ness,all about boys, and ever changing views on everything. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. You're about read the pages of my epic diary. Welcome to my world, and feel free to come back ;)
Friday, August 5, 2016
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
"And I'm Not Sorry That It's Over, But For The Way We Let It End. So I Said All I Had To Say, In Letters That I Threw Away"
MIND
Things he taught me.
1. I learned something from blackgirlsareeasy.com . The whole spartan movement is something I am capable of. I can walk up to an attractive guy with a nice body and even nicer car. I can charm him with my woman prowess, and I am worthy of his attention. This is huge! He was the hottest guy I ever dated. I loved me some him and surprisingly he loved him some me to. For five months that is.
1b. I'm worthy of dates. He opened the door for that. I've gotten lots of other dates since. I didn't have to ask or anything. I think my new sense of security and self-worth showed these men that I know what I deserve.
1b. I'm worthy of dates. He opened the door for that. I've gotten lots of other dates since. I didn't have to ask or anything. I think my new sense of security and self-worth showed these men that I know what I deserve.
2. I no longer hold back my feelings. I am an excellent communicator. When I was unhappy, I told him. When I missed him, I told him. When I wanted more interaction, I told him. Even when he shut down and stopped trying, I expressed how I felt. I even risked losing him to express my feelings and desires. I put me first, and I'm proud of myself for doing that.
3. People always leave. Peyton Sawyer taught me this one back in my One Tree Hill obsessed days (are they over? no). I really saw something in CJIII, Every sign pointed to him feeling the same way and us living happily ever after or at least happily until deployment. I never predicted he would leave and leave in this way. I trusted his words. He specifically said he would never not talk to me again. That's exactly what he chose to do. He left. He proved that everything Peyton said was true.
4. Loving him does not mean him loving you. Unrequited love is real. That doesn't make the feels that I have less real. I can love a person without them loving me back. I can love a person even though they've done me wrong, and I do not have to feel guilty about this love.
5. Being in love will be better. I loved loving CJIII. But being loved back will be better and I can't wait for that day to come.
6. I need to stick to my new years resolution. No situationships in 2016. I only want to fall for people who are falling just as hard and just as fast for me.
7. I don't want to settle. If there are qualities that they posses that irritate me and I can't see past them, its better to let them go before either party is in too deep. I know what I want. If nothing else, I know how I want to feel. If its not there, I shouldn't commit so deeply to it. Hope is never a bad thing, but I have moved my hope into the bigger picture. I don't have to hope it works out with every man in my life. I just have to hope it works out someday. Preferably within the next 1-4 years. Prayers up!
Aside:
Yesterday I stayed in bed all day, because I was so sad about the whole situation. No one has ever ghosted to me after five months of communication. That's past ghosting and more just rude and completely disrespectful. Everyone deserves a goodbye. But I'm not going to sulk anymore about not getting one. It takes 21 days to break a habit. We're almost at 21 days since he stopped talking to me, but it's only the second day of me accepting that he's not coming back. I'm going to start taking steps to let him go. Out of site, out of mind. My postcard has been removed from my dresser and placed with all the other postcards in my collection. I deleted my messenger app, so I can stop creepily checking when he gets online and seeing if he opened my message. The hardest part is going to be getting rid of all the cards and letters I wrote him for his going away gift. But it begins today.
Song of the Day : What Can I Say by Carrie Underwood (our breakup song)
Quote of the day: "Sometimes we create our own heartbreak through expectation"
Aside:
Yesterday I stayed in bed all day, because I was so sad about the whole situation. No one has ever ghosted to me after five months of communication. That's past ghosting and more just rude and completely disrespectful. Everyone deserves a goodbye. But I'm not going to sulk anymore about not getting one. It takes 21 days to break a habit. We're almost at 21 days since he stopped talking to me, but it's only the second day of me accepting that he's not coming back. I'm going to start taking steps to let him go. Out of site, out of mind. My postcard has been removed from my dresser and placed with all the other postcards in my collection. I deleted my messenger app, so I can stop creepily checking when he gets online and seeing if he opened my message. The hardest part is going to be getting rid of all the cards and letters I wrote him for his going away gift. But it begins today.
Song of the Day : What Can I Say by Carrie Underwood (our breakup song)
Quote of the day: "Sometimes we create our own heartbreak through expectation"
Thursday, July 7, 2016
"Imagine me being strong and not letting people break me down. You won't get that joy this time around"
MIND/HEART
Familiarity : the quality of being well known; recognizably based on long or close association.I love opening a fresh sheet for a new post. It feels so familiar. The familiarity is comforting. Its officially been three weeks since my last post, and I'm still hurting over the loss of CJIII. I finally lost my mind. After he bailed on the date, we had a bit of a continued rough patch. I was not talking to him unless he talked to me (a policy I expressed to him during the break up phone call). He reached out to me one weekend, and we had a nice conversation. Our usual kind. I enjoyed talking to him again. We talked for about 3-4 days, and I think we were both enjoying that familiarity. I felt like I was initiating the conversation too much again. I was asking him questions that would help me understand him as a man and see if maybe we really never were compatible. Everything he said recently matched up with what he had said before. He told me that he did not like to be around people when they were sad and hurt which explained why I couldn't go to him in my low moments.
I stopped initiating the conversation, so we had another week of silence. I contacted him to see how he felt about me. I asked if the way our relationship was now was the was he wanted it to be. Pause - I keep using the work relationship. This is the first way that I lost my mind. Charles and I are not in a relationship. He refused to give our relationship that title. I am dating other people. Why do I insist on calling it that? Is it because I long for that kind of relationship so bad? Is it because we've been in the situation so long it just feels like a relationship? I do not know. But regardless of the reasoning, it was a mistake to speak in those terms. He blamed everything on me. He said that he was only talking to me when I talked to him, and I wasn't talking to him. I was determined to fix our issues and he tried to, but he couldn't. I wanted to take a trip together this upcoming weekend,and all he said was "..." because he won't have a car until he deploys. Him and I just think differently. If I want something, I make it happen. I don't take no for an answer. But maybe he doesn't try to make it happen, because he doesn't want it bad enough. I think that's the fundamental difference between my feelings and his at this point in time. I want him so much more than he wants me. He proceeded to ignore me all of 4th of July. and the next day. and the next day. I apologized, but it didn't make a difference.
I think it's officially over. He's a coward. He either never really liked me in the first place or got scared when whatever we had needed to be more real. The idea of falling for someone and having real feelings was just too much for him. He cut it off and will get to deploy. To leave me and everything that reminds him of me here, so he can walk and fight guilt free. While I have to think of him every time I see Lebron James or go to the gym. I didn't live up to my new years resolution. I got into a situationship. But I'm happy, because this one made me grow. It showed me my worth. I deserve to be taken on dates. I deserve to have a mans undivided attention. I can be with a man that's 6'2" with a six pack and he'll still be hungry for all 186 pounds of me. At this point, I have to let it go. He isn't who he once was, and I cannot stick around for him to disrespect me more.
NEW FLAME (s?)
I can't get this heading to be the pretty purple too, so I let it go. JD and I had another nice day together. We had dinner in his car and talked and laughed a lot. I found out things about him that I liked. I really love men who are willing to talk about our future together. It shows that they have no fear and they are entering the situation hoping it ends in something real. He didn't tell me that he was leaving for two whole weeks, so us dating is on pause. I was super happy, giddy, and excited about everything. The pause was probably not the best thing for our young relationship. He went to a former city he lived in and it makes me think he might still have a girl or two there. I just didn't want him to leave.
Then I went to KCGP and met Joseph. I think that's a story for a brand new post. Stay tuned my loves, stay tuned.
Song of the day: Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin (This song is beautiful. Just what I need to hear at this point in my life)
Quote of the day: Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
"Even On My Weakest Day, I Get a Little Bit Stronger"
Its been a month since my last lovey-dovey post about CJIII. Normally it would be time for another one. We were actually supposed to go on a date this past Saturday, but it didn't work out that way. On Wednesday last week I woke up to a text message saying, "Hey Goodmorning, know it's been awhile of us talking/dating and now I don't think a relationship is what I want right now". This was the answer I had been waiting about a month and a half to hear. We had the define the relationship conversation a little while ago. It was initiated by me, and he had initially expressed that he did not think he wanted to get into a relationship when he's deploying. I tried to convince him to change his mind. I told him that a thousand miles seems pretty far, but there are a million and one ways to stay in touch with someone you care about. I told you all I thought I loved him. I didn't express the same thoughts to him. I was praying for the best, but I could feel him moving further and further away from me. He didn't text me the entire time he was in Cleveland. I understand wanting to spend quality time with your family, but that doesn't mean you can't shoot an occasional text to make sure the woman in your life is not just surviving, but thriving. He said it was because his phone was broken, but nothing changed when it was fixed. He returned and we chatted a little, but it still wasn't the same.
After receiving the text that broke my heart, we exchanged some confusing text messages and spoke on the phone that night. The conversation was...bleh. I really care about this man. I didn't want to be ending things. I wanted to be moving forward with things. The conversation we had was very real. He told me that deployment was tough to endure. He had to be focused and couldn't afford to put someones life on the line feeling guilty for not communicating with his girlfriend that day. He said that relationships involved a lot of communication and spending a lot of time with one another. He just isn't ready to give that to a person. He said that it may be selfish, but it was his truth. With his distance and the way he's been acting lately. I saw it coming. I wasn't that surprised, but I was hurt.
The only thing that kept me from completely breaking down was the reassurance he kept giving me about our friendship. He said multiple times that he wanted to continue talking and let our friendship grow. I wanted details about the nature of our friendship, because the day he broke the news I could never picture being just a friend to him. He acted as though nothing will change. But everything has changed. He left home again to finish training in Missouri for his deployment. I had a brief conversation with him yesterday, but he still hasn't opened my snap from Sunday.
I read a lot of articles online and was pleased to find out that I wasn't the only one who experienced a sudden pre-deployment break up. Everyone's story sounded a lot like mine. This line resonated with me the most. It said, "Hard to tell. Vicki says that she and her boyfriend have been together for five years-since they were both sixteen. Her boyfriend recently enlisted. Right before he left for boot camp, he broke up with her. He said he didn't want to worry about her. He said he only want to focus on himself right now". It sounded exactly like what Charles told me. It made me feel good for a couple reasons. 1. Maybe Charles ended our situationship had nothing to do with the strength of our relationship. That couple had been together five years and he still chose to end it. 2. It made me realize that Charles wasn't making this stuff up. It opened my eyes to how hard it is to deploy. I made the concious decision that if I couldn't be there for him as a great love, I would be there for him as a friend. I have a going away gift in mind that I think will be perfect for what he's going to be experiencing there. All of this is part of God's plan, so we'll see what happens.
I already went on two dates with a new guy named JD. I had a length conversation with Charles about me dating other people and he emphasized that it was my choice. I made the decision to go out and see what's there. I laughed a lot and it was nice not being lonely for awhile.
song of the day: A Little Bit Stronger by Sarah Evns
quote of the day: "Don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened"
After receiving the text that broke my heart, we exchanged some confusing text messages and spoke on the phone that night. The conversation was...bleh. I really care about this man. I didn't want to be ending things. I wanted to be moving forward with things. The conversation we had was very real. He told me that deployment was tough to endure. He had to be focused and couldn't afford to put someones life on the line feeling guilty for not communicating with his girlfriend that day. He said that relationships involved a lot of communication and spending a lot of time with one another. He just isn't ready to give that to a person. He said that it may be selfish, but it was his truth. With his distance and the way he's been acting lately. I saw it coming. I wasn't that surprised, but I was hurt.
The only thing that kept me from completely breaking down was the reassurance he kept giving me about our friendship. He said multiple times that he wanted to continue talking and let our friendship grow. I wanted details about the nature of our friendship, because the day he broke the news I could never picture being just a friend to him. He acted as though nothing will change. But everything has changed. He left home again to finish training in Missouri for his deployment. I had a brief conversation with him yesterday, but he still hasn't opened my snap from Sunday.
I read a lot of articles online and was pleased to find out that I wasn't the only one who experienced a sudden pre-deployment break up. Everyone's story sounded a lot like mine. This line resonated with me the most. It said, "Hard to tell. Vicki says that she and her boyfriend have been together for five years-since they were both sixteen. Her boyfriend recently enlisted. Right before he left for boot camp, he broke up with her. He said he didn't want to worry about her. He said he only want to focus on himself right now". It sounded exactly like what Charles told me. It made me feel good for a couple reasons. 1. Maybe Charles ended our situationship had nothing to do with the strength of our relationship. That couple had been together five years and he still chose to end it. 2. It made me realize that Charles wasn't making this stuff up. It opened my eyes to how hard it is to deploy. I made the concious decision that if I couldn't be there for him as a great love, I would be there for him as a friend. I have a going away gift in mind that I think will be perfect for what he's going to be experiencing there. All of this is part of God's plan, so we'll see what happens.
I already went on two dates with a new guy named JD. I had a length conversation with Charles about me dating other people and he emphasized that it was my choice. I made the decision to go out and see what's there. I laughed a lot and it was nice not being lonely for awhile.
song of the day: A Little Bit Stronger by Sarah Evns
quote of the day: "Don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened"
Thursday, June 2, 2016
"Wise men say only fools rush in. But I can't help falling in love with you"
HEART
Inspiration comes from so many different places. I find it everywhere. I've made it a thing to post inspirational words on my snapchat whenever I find it, so my followers (who probably don't care) can be a little inspired too. Today, I found romantic inspiration everywhere. It was a rough morning for various reasons, but when I got to work I started surfing social media networks instead of being productive as always. The first post I saw was from one of the home team bruhz. He's married to a beautiful Latin American woman who's everything I wish I could be physically. She's skinny, has great hair, takes excellent selfies. Basically a 21st century beauty from Beauty and the Beast. My big brother in greekdom loves her. His love for her is evident in everything he does. Today he made a post about how he's fighting for her and will always fight for her. He ends the post by saying their love is forever.
FOREVER
I have to dwell on that word a little bit because it holds so much power. Forever is defined as, "for all future time; for always". Always and forever. The first thing that pops in my head when I hear the word forever is prompted by my faith. Not just in this life, but the next as well. Life is the longest thing you'll ever do. He wants to love her through his long journey and after that. How beautiful. The inspiration just kept coming today though. It didn't end with Mr. & Mrs. Smith. It came to me again in the form of a proposal video : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibiCo_kliLo&feature=share . This man spent four months on his proposal plan. He spent four months showering his girlfriend with loveeeee & affection. Watching all this made me realize a lot of things, but the first thought was that I have never been able to make a man feel that way about me. Have I gotten men to put in time? yes. A little effort? yes. But I haven't experienced a man willing to put in months of work just so he can continue to put in work or "fight" for the rest of his life.
I automatically realized the problem with the love I experience. It is one sided. Almost always. I have so much love in my heart. Sometimes I hide it, so I don't scare the other person. Sometimes I show them just how much I care and like them to the point it hurts their feelings. They feel bad about not loving me the way I love them and end it in hopes that I will find someone who can give me "what I deserve". I heard that phrase a lot from the couple of good men I've encountered in life. They talk about what I deserve and what's fair to me. The most annoying part is that they never want to be the ones to give me what I deserve. They can never actually be fair to me. Some sort of connection that's supposed to be there is missing every single time. I can't even be mad at the guys, because I understand. There are plenty of times where I've liked someone less than they like me. Regardless of how nice or cute they are, you can't really invest the way you would if the person you were with was truly the one. The way you would if they really made you feel something you've never felt before. Love is beautiful and I have been waiting my entire life to experience the feeling of actually being in love. Loving someone so much and them giving you that same love back. It's unconditional. It's consistent. It overwhelms you and despite the distance or challenges you face, you feel complete. I will continue to pray that it finds me someday.
Song of the Day: Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley
Quote of the Day: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails"
Inspiration comes from so many different places. I find it everywhere. I've made it a thing to post inspirational words on my snapchat whenever I find it, so my followers (who probably don't care) can be a little inspired too. Today, I found romantic inspiration everywhere. It was a rough morning for various reasons, but when I got to work I started surfing social media networks instead of being productive as always. The first post I saw was from one of the home team bruhz. He's married to a beautiful Latin American woman who's everything I wish I could be physically. She's skinny, has great hair, takes excellent selfies. Basically a 21st century beauty from Beauty and the Beast. My big brother in greekdom loves her. His love for her is evident in everything he does. Today he made a post about how he's fighting for her and will always fight for her. He ends the post by saying their love is forever.
FOREVER
I have to dwell on that word a little bit because it holds so much power. Forever is defined as, "for all future time; for always". Always and forever. The first thing that pops in my head when I hear the word forever is prompted by my faith. Not just in this life, but the next as well. Life is the longest thing you'll ever do. He wants to love her through his long journey and after that. How beautiful. The inspiration just kept coming today though. It didn't end with Mr. & Mrs. Smith. It came to me again in the form of a proposal video : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibiCo_kliLo&feature=share . This man spent four months on his proposal plan. He spent four months showering his girlfriend with loveeeee & affection. Watching all this made me realize a lot of things, but the first thought was that I have never been able to make a man feel that way about me. Have I gotten men to put in time? yes. A little effort? yes. But I haven't experienced a man willing to put in months of work just so he can continue to put in work or "fight" for the rest of his life.
I automatically realized the problem with the love I experience. It is one sided. Almost always. I have so much love in my heart. Sometimes I hide it, so I don't scare the other person. Sometimes I show them just how much I care and like them to the point it hurts their feelings. They feel bad about not loving me the way I love them and end it in hopes that I will find someone who can give me "what I deserve". I heard that phrase a lot from the couple of good men I've encountered in life. They talk about what I deserve and what's fair to me. The most annoying part is that they never want to be the ones to give me what I deserve. They can never actually be fair to me. Some sort of connection that's supposed to be there is missing every single time. I can't even be mad at the guys, because I understand. There are plenty of times where I've liked someone less than they like me. Regardless of how nice or cute they are, you can't really invest the way you would if the person you were with was truly the one. The way you would if they really made you feel something you've never felt before. Love is beautiful and I have been waiting my entire life to experience the feeling of actually being in love. Loving someone so much and them giving you that same love back. It's unconditional. It's consistent. It overwhelms you and despite the distance or challenges you face, you feel complete. I will continue to pray that it finds me someday.
Song of the Day: Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley
Quote of the Day: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails"
Thursday, May 19, 2016
"I Get So Weak in the Knees I Can Hardly Speak/I Lose All Control and Something Takes Over Me/In A Daze and It's So Amazing, It's Not A Phase I Want You To Stay With Me"
HEART
I've come close to saying it, but haven't actually said it. I think I'm in love. CJIII has had my heart since the first month of the new year. I was fresh off my resolution to only accept the love I think I deserve and avoid situationships like the plague. He knows these things, because I shared them with him. The relationship him and I have has been different. It's not like any other relationship I've had. I think we're handling everything like adults. We've been going on dates and asking each other the tough questions since the very beginning. Since my last post, we've gone on one more date. We met in Topeka at Gage Park. The park was actually huge, so it took awhile for him and I to find each other. I walked towards his car on the other side of the park with all the animal statues. The two of us walked around together for a little while then ended up sitting on a bench under a tree and talking. It was really nice. After our park adventure, we went out to eat at HuHut. I had never been there, but it's this delicious mongolian bbq place. You put whatever you want into a little bowl and they cook it for you. It's a buffet, so we both ate a ton and were really full.
The best part of the date was the very end. He walked me to the car like he always does. He gave me a kiss goodbye, and I wasn't nervous. Just happy. I felt it in my whole body and it was again..different. I asked him if he was a patient person, and it caught him off guard. This was going to be the last time I saw him before he left for Africa. I had written him a letter that he wasn't allowed to read until he got there. He turned around and had me hide it in his trunk, so he wouldn't be tempted to read it. Later on he told me that he had opened the envelope and peaked the next day, but didn't read the letter. It was a very sweet moment for the two of us. The two weeks he spent in Africa were the longest weeks of my year. I don't go a day without thinking of him. I texted him, but the messages wouldn't go through. I had to patiently wait for his return. I was patient, but the whole thing was painful too. When he came back, I had the pleasure of seeing him. I had my first sleepover at his house. It was a fairytale. Everything with him is a fairytale.
Well, almost everything. After getting back from Africa, I finally worked up the courage to have the DTR conversation with him. It was over text since the phone has never been his favorite. That's when he told me that he is being deployed to Afghanistan in July. Almost exactly two months from now, the man I've become so attached to will be leaving me for one of the most dangerous countries in the world. My heart sunk. At first it wasn't because I was worried about him, but because I was worried about me. I'm so invested in him, and now there was a chance that him and I would never be in an official relationship. The love I love so much will end as just another situationship. He came to the conclusion that he needed time to think about weather or not he wants to be in a relationship. When the two of us were cuddled in bed talking about all this, he said one line that really stuck with me. "I don't think you know what you're getting into"
Like I mentioned before, the number one thing about our relationship I was focused on when he announced his deployment was the distance between us. 1 year is a long time to be away from someone. So much can change in a year. It's safe to say that communication would be minimal during this time period, and all I would have to hold on to are the memories of time we did spend together and the promises he makes me before he leaves. This is a year without physical affection, emotional connection, and cuddling. It's a year where i'll basically be alone. He'll get breaks, but chances are he will want to go home to see his family during that time period. I'll be in a relationship but alone.
At this point in my life, I think I'm okay with being in a relationship with someone who's life belongs to the U.S. Military. I watched a lot of army wives, so I understand the challenges that come with that lifestyle. I'm in pharmacy school for the next four years, so my life belongs to the University of Kansas. That's where all my energy will go. Being apart my first year might not be such a bad thing. I'll be able to put a lot of time into my grades. The one part of the military lifestyle I am hesitant to accept is the moving. Not for my career, but for my kids. I've always liked the idea of my future children growing up in a home. A place they've been in since they were babies. I can see the double staircase and long for it, but if you are married to a soldiar you don't have just one place to call home. That's something I'm willing to do if I have found the one God wants me to be with. I'm going to try not to worry and see what God has planned for the two of us. I hope it's a life filled with joy, love, and wifi in Afghanistan.
Song of the Day: Weak by SWV
Quote of the day: "Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing" -Torquato Tasso
I've come close to saying it, but haven't actually said it. I think I'm in love. CJIII has had my heart since the first month of the new year. I was fresh off my resolution to only accept the love I think I deserve and avoid situationships like the plague. He knows these things, because I shared them with him. The relationship him and I have has been different. It's not like any other relationship I've had. I think we're handling everything like adults. We've been going on dates and asking each other the tough questions since the very beginning. Since my last post, we've gone on one more date. We met in Topeka at Gage Park. The park was actually huge, so it took awhile for him and I to find each other. I walked towards his car on the other side of the park with all the animal statues. The two of us walked around together for a little while then ended up sitting on a bench under a tree and talking. It was really nice. After our park adventure, we went out to eat at HuHut. I had never been there, but it's this delicious mongolian bbq place. You put whatever you want into a little bowl and they cook it for you. It's a buffet, so we both ate a ton and were really full.
The best part of the date was the very end. He walked me to the car like he always does. He gave me a kiss goodbye, and I wasn't nervous. Just happy. I felt it in my whole body and it was again..different. I asked him if he was a patient person, and it caught him off guard. This was going to be the last time I saw him before he left for Africa. I had written him a letter that he wasn't allowed to read until he got there. He turned around and had me hide it in his trunk, so he wouldn't be tempted to read it. Later on he told me that he had opened the envelope and peaked the next day, but didn't read the letter. It was a very sweet moment for the two of us. The two weeks he spent in Africa were the longest weeks of my year. I don't go a day without thinking of him. I texted him, but the messages wouldn't go through. I had to patiently wait for his return. I was patient, but the whole thing was painful too. When he came back, I had the pleasure of seeing him. I had my first sleepover at his house. It was a fairytale. Everything with him is a fairytale.
Well, almost everything. After getting back from Africa, I finally worked up the courage to have the DTR conversation with him. It was over text since the phone has never been his favorite. That's when he told me that he is being deployed to Afghanistan in July. Almost exactly two months from now, the man I've become so attached to will be leaving me for one of the most dangerous countries in the world. My heart sunk. At first it wasn't because I was worried about him, but because I was worried about me. I'm so invested in him, and now there was a chance that him and I would never be in an official relationship. The love I love so much will end as just another situationship. He came to the conclusion that he needed time to think about weather or not he wants to be in a relationship. When the two of us were cuddled in bed talking about all this, he said one line that really stuck with me. "I don't think you know what you're getting into"
Like I mentioned before, the number one thing about our relationship I was focused on when he announced his deployment was the distance between us. 1 year is a long time to be away from someone. So much can change in a year. It's safe to say that communication would be minimal during this time period, and all I would have to hold on to are the memories of time we did spend together and the promises he makes me before he leaves. This is a year without physical affection, emotional connection, and cuddling. It's a year where i'll basically be alone. He'll get breaks, but chances are he will want to go home to see his family during that time period. I'll be in a relationship but alone.
At this point in my life, I think I'm okay with being in a relationship with someone who's life belongs to the U.S. Military. I watched a lot of army wives, so I understand the challenges that come with that lifestyle. I'm in pharmacy school for the next four years, so my life belongs to the University of Kansas. That's where all my energy will go. Being apart my first year might not be such a bad thing. I'll be able to put a lot of time into my grades. The one part of the military lifestyle I am hesitant to accept is the moving. Not for my career, but for my kids. I've always liked the idea of my future children growing up in a home. A place they've been in since they were babies. I can see the double staircase and long for it, but if you are married to a soldiar you don't have just one place to call home. That's something I'm willing to do if I have found the one God wants me to be with. I'm going to try not to worry and see what God has planned for the two of us. I hope it's a life filled with joy, love, and wifi in Afghanistan.
Song of the Day: Weak by SWV
Quote of the day: "Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing" -Torquato Tasso
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
"You Don't Wanna Step Off That Roller Coaster and Be All Alone"
MIND
Hello lovely readers and me of the future. In case you didn't already know, I am the number one fan of this blog. It holds so many memories and is the best marker of my growth throughout the years. I like re-reading old posts when I get the chance to. Before writing the latest one, I have started reading the last post I made. The theme of this years posts have been mind, body, and heart. I got this inspiration from Khloe Kardashian's Book "Strong Looks Better Naked". When I made my last post in March, I was struggling with the mind part. I was applying and interviewing to all kinds of programs. I'm happy to report the results of all that hard work.
I was accepted into:
Baker Nursing School
UMKC Pharmacy School
KU Pharmacy School
KU School of Clinical Laboratory Sciences
I was not accepted into:
KU Nursing School (they can kiss my beautiful behind)
I was ecstatic to receive each and every one of those acceptance letters. I had no idea what my future would hold after being dismissed from Pharmacy School. The year I spent studying Human Biology was alright, but it definitely wasn't something I was passionate about. I was bored the entire time, but my grades did improve significantly. I automatically narrowed my options down to UMKC Pharmacy School and KU Pharmacy School. Originally, KU Pharmacy School was my only real option. I couldn't afford the out of state tuition at UMKC. But when God closes a door, he opens a window. I ended up getting a huge scholarship from UMKC that would have allowed me to pay in state tuition there as well. UMKC was the opportunity to have a completely fresh start, but I suprisingly didn't even really think about taking it. I don't think i'm one to run away from my problems. I wanted to face the monster that is KU Pharmacy School again to prove to myself that I can do it. There's a lot of weight that comes with this decision. The students I originally started pharmacy school with are going to be in their third year and final academic year of the program. They're finishing, and I'm starting over. I can't pretend that that doesn't make me feel small. I also have to face all the courses that were so incredibly challenging for me the first time. I am taking steps towards making sure I can do that. I realize that I'm going to have to kiss my social life goodbye. I'm ready to do that, because most of the people I spent time with are graduating anyways. I quit one of my jobs, so that I'm unable to use work as an excuse for not having enough time to study. The job I kept allows me to study and do school work, so I believe I will be all set in that department. This is the beginning of a great, long journey for me. I truly believe that Pharmacy school and that paycheck is my destiny and my family's as well. My father is still job hunting, and our family is going through a rough time financially. Not to mention, I spend an unbelievable amount of food.
The other thing that goes along with my thoughts on beginning this four year journey are how that will affect my personal life. For the next four years, I must be in Lawrence, Kansas. That means any love interest in different locations are not going to be a viable possibility unless they really are in God's plan for me. The next four years likely won't include children for me, but the two years following hopefully will. I still want the same things I've always wanted. The double staircase, four beautiful black babies, and a husband to love me unconditionally. I'm excited for what the future holds and my mind is content at this point.
About three weeks ago, friends were really on my mind. My sorority sisters and I got in this horrible fight that I believe ended up exposing everyone's true colors. After that, I decided to distance myself from them and have been able to maintain that distance. At the time I made this decision, they were doing all kinds of outrageous things. Two of them were being unfaithful to two men I have a lot of love and respect for. The other two were playing Regina George & Gretchin Weiners. They were ignoring my closest line sister and mistreating her. If I had to choose between all of them and her, I would choose her in a heartbeat. I guess you can say that's what I did. We all had to hang out this weekend, and I was cordial. But I'm not opening up anymore. We are sorority sisters and it ends there. I will love and care for them, but I will also stop spending unnecessary time with them. Like the last post said, "birds of a feather flock together" and they are not the birds I need to be flocking with at this critical point in my life.
I reconnected with a lot of my lifetime friends. It was nice, but I can't say that they are without flaws too. I think I want too much out of friendships and sisterhood. I expect people to always put me first and always be there for me and provide more than I can provide for myself. My biggest problem is finding people that share my interests. It's really hard for me to go anywhere with anyone and them want to do exactly what I want to do. If they do, they'll be incredibly unhappy during the entire duration of it. I want to listen to street music and spend time with multiple friends at once, but all of my friends think they are too good for the others. It's really sad, because none of them are too good for anyone. They all want to club all the time, and I get it. We're young. This is the only time where it's socially acceptable for us to do that kind of thing often. I'm just personally done with it. I don't like being squeezed into a small place with many people. I'm not a good enough dancer for this generation. I hate that everyone around me is drunk, and I still plan on keeping my vow not to drink. It's just not fun to me anymore. It is however really fun for all my friends, but that's just because the club helps them facilitate their bad habits. They get to get drunk and take home random men and act surprised when these men don't want a relationship with them. Same story, different day. I'm being judgmental, but oh well. At this point I don't want to meet new people, because they'll probably be the same or worse. I just want to spend time with me. I'll grow more that way anyways.
BODY
There is nothing to update. I have completely failed in this category. Didn't meet my new years resolution to lose 10 pounds, and I'm back to eating horrible. I have dropped in the gym randomly a lot more than I was doing before though. So that's something. By a lot more I mean 3-8 times a month max.
Song of the Day : I Took a Pill In Ibeza by Mike Posner (original version)
Quote of the Day: It always seems impossible until it's done - Nelson Mandela
Hello lovely readers and me of the future. In case you didn't already know, I am the number one fan of this blog. It holds so many memories and is the best marker of my growth throughout the years. I like re-reading old posts when I get the chance to. Before writing the latest one, I have started reading the last post I made. The theme of this years posts have been mind, body, and heart. I got this inspiration from Khloe Kardashian's Book "Strong Looks Better Naked". When I made my last post in March, I was struggling with the mind part. I was applying and interviewing to all kinds of programs. I'm happy to report the results of all that hard work.
I was accepted into:
Baker Nursing School
UMKC Pharmacy School
KU Pharmacy School
KU School of Clinical Laboratory Sciences
I was not accepted into:
KU Nursing School (they can kiss my beautiful behind)
I was ecstatic to receive each and every one of those acceptance letters. I had no idea what my future would hold after being dismissed from Pharmacy School. The year I spent studying Human Biology was alright, but it definitely wasn't something I was passionate about. I was bored the entire time, but my grades did improve significantly. I automatically narrowed my options down to UMKC Pharmacy School and KU Pharmacy School. Originally, KU Pharmacy School was my only real option. I couldn't afford the out of state tuition at UMKC. But when God closes a door, he opens a window. I ended up getting a huge scholarship from UMKC that would have allowed me to pay in state tuition there as well. UMKC was the opportunity to have a completely fresh start, but I suprisingly didn't even really think about taking it. I don't think i'm one to run away from my problems. I wanted to face the monster that is KU Pharmacy School again to prove to myself that I can do it. There's a lot of weight that comes with this decision. The students I originally started pharmacy school with are going to be in their third year and final academic year of the program. They're finishing, and I'm starting over. I can't pretend that that doesn't make me feel small. I also have to face all the courses that were so incredibly challenging for me the first time. I am taking steps towards making sure I can do that. I realize that I'm going to have to kiss my social life goodbye. I'm ready to do that, because most of the people I spent time with are graduating anyways. I quit one of my jobs, so that I'm unable to use work as an excuse for not having enough time to study. The job I kept allows me to study and do school work, so I believe I will be all set in that department. This is the beginning of a great, long journey for me. I truly believe that Pharmacy school and that paycheck is my destiny and my family's as well. My father is still job hunting, and our family is going through a rough time financially. Not to mention, I spend an unbelievable amount of food.
The other thing that goes along with my thoughts on beginning this four year journey are how that will affect my personal life. For the next four years, I must be in Lawrence, Kansas. That means any love interest in different locations are not going to be a viable possibility unless they really are in God's plan for me. The next four years likely won't include children for me, but the two years following hopefully will. I still want the same things I've always wanted. The double staircase, four beautiful black babies, and a husband to love me unconditionally. I'm excited for what the future holds and my mind is content at this point.
About three weeks ago, friends were really on my mind. My sorority sisters and I got in this horrible fight that I believe ended up exposing everyone's true colors. After that, I decided to distance myself from them and have been able to maintain that distance. At the time I made this decision, they were doing all kinds of outrageous things. Two of them were being unfaithful to two men I have a lot of love and respect for. The other two were playing Regina George & Gretchin Weiners. They were ignoring my closest line sister and mistreating her. If I had to choose between all of them and her, I would choose her in a heartbeat. I guess you can say that's what I did. We all had to hang out this weekend, and I was cordial. But I'm not opening up anymore. We are sorority sisters and it ends there. I will love and care for them, but I will also stop spending unnecessary time with them. Like the last post said, "birds of a feather flock together" and they are not the birds I need to be flocking with at this critical point in my life.
I reconnected with a lot of my lifetime friends. It was nice, but I can't say that they are without flaws too. I think I want too much out of friendships and sisterhood. I expect people to always put me first and always be there for me and provide more than I can provide for myself. My biggest problem is finding people that share my interests. It's really hard for me to go anywhere with anyone and them want to do exactly what I want to do. If they do, they'll be incredibly unhappy during the entire duration of it. I want to listen to street music and spend time with multiple friends at once, but all of my friends think they are too good for the others. It's really sad, because none of them are too good for anyone. They all want to club all the time, and I get it. We're young. This is the only time where it's socially acceptable for us to do that kind of thing often. I'm just personally done with it. I don't like being squeezed into a small place with many people. I'm not a good enough dancer for this generation. I hate that everyone around me is drunk, and I still plan on keeping my vow not to drink. It's just not fun to me anymore. It is however really fun for all my friends, but that's just because the club helps them facilitate their bad habits. They get to get drunk and take home random men and act surprised when these men don't want a relationship with them. Same story, different day. I'm being judgmental, but oh well. At this point I don't want to meet new people, because they'll probably be the same or worse. I just want to spend time with me. I'll grow more that way anyways.
BODY
There is nothing to update. I have completely failed in this category. Didn't meet my new years resolution to lose 10 pounds, and I'm back to eating horrible. I have dropped in the gym randomly a lot more than I was doing before though. So that's something. By a lot more I mean 3-8 times a month max.
Song of the Day : I Took a Pill In Ibeza by Mike Posner (original version)
Quote of the Day: It always seems impossible until it's done - Nelson Mandela
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