I just don't know anymore. I am conflicted between what I want, what I deserve, filling a void, and right or wrong. As many of you know, I spent most of my life trying to be "good". I was the perfect daughter, friend etc. (yes, I wasn't actually perfect. Some of this is just coming from my ego. But you get the point). It took a lot of energy for me to maintain this lifestyle, and I still wasn't getting what I want. When I started losing everything, I lost my desire to be perfect.I had spent so long trying to build the perfect future that makes my parents proud and myself "better" (more money, nicer clothes, respect from educated people etc.), and it all failed. The people who were having fun and living life the way they wanted to were A. happier than me, because they set such low bars for themselves complete failure isn't an option and B. finding the thing I want the most : love. I've been waiting for the perfect guy forever. A god fearing man who wants to hold my hand, talk about nothing and everything, take me on adventures, and sees the beauty within. Prince charming was half the reason this blog started. I was on the hunt for the man I thought was my prince . This hunt used to lead right to a dead end. Part of this had to do with my confidence. I couldn't talk to men, and I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I was scared to be myself. I live in a household that isn't very affectionate. We're not touchy feely people and emotions are kept within unless the emotion is anger or frustration. I don't really know how to be flirty and outgoing. Most men probably thought I was asexual, because I stuck to myself and admired them from afar.
This is the year that men started coming into my life. I met six people that each changed me in different ways.
1. The handsome kappa lawyer to be. I was the talent at a KU Black Alumni banquet. She asked me the day before, so I didn't have much time to prepare. I played the piano and chose Cannon in D. It's one of my absolute favorite pieces. Definitely a song I want played by a string quartet at my wedding. I was playing the song and he came and laid his paperwork for the night on the piano. I looked up and in the sexiest of voices I heard, "Am I distracting you?". Yes, I was distracted. Because he was attractive. I had nothing formal to wear, so I chose a dress that was too small. My only option. It was small everywhere including up top, and my boobs were to die for. He noticed. We ended up sitting next to each other during the banquet, and he kept saying, "I feel like I know you from somewhere..". I didn't want a formal introduction before playing my piece, but he gave me one anyway. We conversed through out the night and my line sister thought he must like me. Instead of being passive and waiting, I decided to "stop practicing insanity". I messaged him and we spoke. Despite our 10 year age difference, I had hope. You know I always do. We texted back and forth for about four weeks. He asked me if I was attracted to him and worried about coming off as a creepy old man. He told me that he could tell I'm an old soul "It's in your eyes". This relationship may sound deep, but its not. He liked to talk about himself, and we never actually went on that date. The day he ignored my next is the day I never spoke to him again.
2. I started sneaking into the club Tonic this year. My line sister turned 21 and had her paper ID and regular ID. This allowed me to go to a variety of different clubs with her during the summer season. After partying, we would always go to Fuzzy's for some delicious Mexican cuisine. That day a guy from the club motioned for me to come to his table. He proceeded to tell me that he had seen me in the club and wanted to know more about me. I gave him his number and he selected a day for us to go on our date. He canceled and it was over for me. I couldn't have been more excited for that date.
3. The good bruhz. I have a thing for the men of Omega Psi Phi, and I'm not ashamed. As a Delta, there are many ques in my life. I think that is part of why a majority of the men I've talked to this year have been ques. I met this one at KC greek picnic, in the Alpha House's kitchen. My line sister (who is a part of every story) was talking to one of the guys she met, and I was standing alone. He called me over. I didn't notice that he was the bruhz, because he wasn't wearing pari and bruhz tend to wear pari to every party. He had a bracelet that I didn't notice until later. He didn't know I was a delta either. We talked about so many things. I wish I had written them all down. It was a beautiful conversation and he had a theme. He said his mission was to make my night a little better. He kept asking if he'd done it yet. Next think you know we were kissing. It was heavenly. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car. We were looking up at the stars and he talked about how many people had been into each other the same way we have. Just like Frank & Edna. It was sweet. He left for Virginia and our conversations didn't last long. It turns out he had a girlfriend the night we met, but he broke up with her the week after. I sent him a letter. I hope to get one back. He said he bough the stationary, but I know his ways.
4. I met number four the same day I met number three. Right after actually. He saw number three kiss me goodnight, but that didn't stop him. Our mutual sorors/frat were the ones who were talking int he previous story forcing me to stand alone and meet #3. My line sister and I took my car to those guys home. They bought us mcDonalds and had to pull to the side of the road so their interest could puke. The situation was less than idea. We sat in the veranda as the two men and my sister smoked (for medical purposes of course :) ) . Eventually my line sister and his frat left to spend some quality time with one another. Him and I were left to speak in our 4 in the morning tired state. We took a nap together which was quite enjoyable. He wanted to mess around, but kissing two guys in the same day seemed wrong. So instead we cuddled and napped. We exchanged social media information, and he DM'd me later that day asking for my number. We've been texting back and forth for five months now. It's on and off, and I've only seen him one time since. I don't think we have potential. It's just fun to have consistent communication with someone who calls me beautiful. It makes me feel good to know that I've only spent a few hours with him, but those hours left an impact. I also like that he lets me call him his full name.
5. I met an asshole. He doesn't deserve a story. He stole $200 from me and still hasn't paid me back. He probably never will. Ass hole. - I was going to leave it at that, but I learned some important lessons from him. I can't be this gullible, and I can't want love so bad that I'm willing to be a fool for it. I'm not okay with being used. I'm not strong enough to be with a bad guy.
6. Bae. I really like this man. He has a special place in my heart. I'm so comfortable around him. It amazes me. He's warm and has the cutest smile. You can read every emotion he's every had right on his face. Our time together has been limited. He's so busy and his business is sexy. He's working really hard to become something, but to me he's already so many things. He doesn't want a relationship. So all I think about in my free time is why? Is it because he just got out of a relationship? Is it me? Does he think he can do better? Is it because I'm inexperienced or not sexy enough? Last but not least, is there anything I can do to make him want me. I want to be with him. He's so sexy to me. He doesn't just say hey, He says "good morning" and "good evening", He thanks me after a good time together and asked me what my long term goals are. It'll kill me if he loses interest, because I want this man in my life. I really really do. It'll be awhile before I feel this comfortable around any one else again. I'm hoping I don't have to build up that comfort, because he and I will last. So now is the time for what ifs. Should I text him and call him all the time. Try to stay in constant communication, so he's thinking about me and gets to know me better. Should I be patient and let him build from here. Should I focus on the negatives? What should I do? I was going to say I don't know, but that would be a lie. I've already decided I'm going to call him and it'll be beautiful. We'll talk for a long time and live happily ever after. Did I mention he's the bruhz too? OOP-Roo
This blog feels incomplete, because there's no way for me to tie it all together and create a happy ending. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm grateful for my experiences and the lessons I learned from all these men. Each one of them will bring me one step closer to the one I'm supposed to be with.
Song of the day : Duffle Bag Boy by Lil Wayne
Quote of the day : We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see the imperfect person perfectly.
About Me
- Forever yours, Mariam
- My name is Mariam and through this blog I'm discovering things about the world, and about myself. Through all my blogs you'll see craziness, political insight, celebrity mania, musical interest, total drama queen-ness,all about boys, and ever changing views on everything. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. You're about read the pages of my epic diary. Welcome to my world, and feel free to come back ;)
Monday, December 21, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
"How would you like it if both of our names ended with Jackson?"
I have to write about this one before the magic has left my bones. I can feel it disappearing. Slipping away. But there are certain things I don't want to forget.
1. He fed me a carrot. Asked if I wanted some Ramen Noodles. When I said, "no, I'm fine". He said, "I know you're fine".
2. After everything was said and done, I asked him to play Into You by Fabulous and he did. That was our song in my mind, and I've never actually listened to what was "our song" with a man before.
3. I wasn't scared. For once in my life. My heart was open and ready for whatever came next.
4. He's different. He asks me if I made anybody smile today and listens to whatever story I came up with. He taught me about the 13th Amendment and how it doesn't prevent prisoners from being treated as slaves. He says indeed and knows about the law of attraction.
5. He won the best student award in middle school that I never could. That means he's always been charismatic and pinch cheeking adorable.
6. He's cheesing super hard in the picture he keeps in his room.
7. The conversations. When we're shoulder to shoulder, staring at the ceiling. Stories about him, stories about myself.
8. All the little things I can't put my finger on that I adore.
I'm in trouble y'all. If you read this blog, you know how all these stories end for me. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I've been optimistic and that didn't change the end result. Sometimes I think the world doesn't want me to be in love right now. Maybe they want me to figure out my tragic school situation first or wait for a nice christian man to come swoop me away. Right now, I want this man. I want his heart. I don't want him to go back to his ex-girlfriend. I don't want him to meet someone else. I don't want him to hurt me. I want him. All of him for all of me. Here's to hoping for a happy ending this time around.
With Love,
Hillary Duff j
1. He fed me a carrot. Asked if I wanted some Ramen Noodles. When I said, "no, I'm fine". He said, "I know you're fine".
2. After everything was said and done, I asked him to play Into You by Fabulous and he did. That was our song in my mind, and I've never actually listened to what was "our song" with a man before.
3. I wasn't scared. For once in my life. My heart was open and ready for whatever came next.
4. He's different. He asks me if I made anybody smile today and listens to whatever story I came up with. He taught me about the 13th Amendment and how it doesn't prevent prisoners from being treated as slaves. He says indeed and knows about the law of attraction.
5. He won the best student award in middle school that I never could. That means he's always been charismatic and pinch cheeking adorable.
6. He's cheesing super hard in the picture he keeps in his room.
7. The conversations. When we're shoulder to shoulder, staring at the ceiling. Stories about him, stories about myself.
8. All the little things I can't put my finger on that I adore.
I'm in trouble y'all. If you read this blog, you know how all these stories end for me. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I've been optimistic and that didn't change the end result. Sometimes I think the world doesn't want me to be in love right now. Maybe they want me to figure out my tragic school situation first or wait for a nice christian man to come swoop me away. Right now, I want this man. I want his heart. I don't want him to go back to his ex-girlfriend. I don't want him to meet someone else. I don't want him to hurt me. I want him. All of him for all of me. Here's to hoping for a happy ending this time around.
With Love,
Hillary Duff j
Friday, October 16, 2015
"On a monday, I am fading. On a tuesday, I am waiting. On a wednesday, I..can't..sleep"
"Defamation of character" is defined as : a false statement about you that causes some kind of harm. Everyone has been accused of things. Some negative and some positive. If you're lucky, people will respect you and think highly enough of you not to believe what is said. I recently had a conversation with my forever friend. I just love that phrase. Forever friend. It rolls off the tongue beautifully. As I mentioned in my last post, she told me that she realized I was a secretive person. I've spent the last five days dwelling on that comment. Am I really a secretive person? My first thought was, "Yes. I am a secretive person". Anyone who has any idea how my brain works knows that I followed up that statement with, "why?". The easy answer that came to mind was "because I haven't even figured out who I am". I say that's the easy answer, because that's kind of the theme of my year. I lost track of what I want to do in life, started over in many ways, broke some of the rules that were near and dear to me for so long. I crumbled under the weight of the world. I don't doubt that part of it or question it at all. What I doubted was weather these failures mean that I am a different, undiscovered person now.
The answer to that question is no. Just because I lost my way and made mistakes doesn't mean I'm a different person. I'm the same person. I am quiet, observative, an overactive thinker, and hardworker. I am kind, often tired, and a bad decision maker. I'm unsure a lot of the time. I'm also slightly judgmental and have a little too much self pride. That's why I keep some of my thoughts to myself. I would never want to say something that hurts anyone else, but that same kindness is not relayed to me. Very few people get the privilege of knowing my every thought and feeling. I would say there a three people who know the most things about me. When you put together all the different pieces they know, you make all of me. All my memories, fears, and quirks. Lately, I've become so secretive that I even keep things from them. I kept things from them, because I didn't want to disappoint them. I didn't want them to look at me differently. I don't think its good to keep those kind of feelings to yourself. I've been meaning to go see a psychologist to talk through some of these things. Why would I want to talk to a psychologist verses someone I already know? I want to get things off my chest for me, but I don't want any associated opinions and judgements.
There is nothing that hurts more than pouring yourself out to people and them rejecting it or throwing it back in your face. I don't blame them, because maybe they think they're telling me what I need to hear. Maybe they don't realize that what was being shared were my deepest thoughts and secrets. Maybe they don't realize how rude it is to talk to someone in that tone. This is always the reaction I get from people after they finally know everything about me. They start to rip me apart. Friends are supposed to lift you up, but mine feel the need to break me down. That goes for some family members too. I'm starting to think the way to overcome this is to continue to build a life on my own. I don't want to be less secretive. I want to be more secretive. I've tried to open up and I've been burned. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm just being stupid and I know I'm not dumb. That will not be a mistake I chose to repeat.
song of the day : Pieces of Me by Ashley Simpson
quote of the day: I told God to protect me from my enemies, and I started losing friends
The answer to that question is no. Just because I lost my way and made mistakes doesn't mean I'm a different person. I'm the same person. I am quiet, observative, an overactive thinker, and hardworker. I am kind, often tired, and a bad decision maker. I'm unsure a lot of the time. I'm also slightly judgmental and have a little too much self pride. That's why I keep some of my thoughts to myself. I would never want to say something that hurts anyone else, but that same kindness is not relayed to me. Very few people get the privilege of knowing my every thought and feeling. I would say there a three people who know the most things about me. When you put together all the different pieces they know, you make all of me. All my memories, fears, and quirks. Lately, I've become so secretive that I even keep things from them. I kept things from them, because I didn't want to disappoint them. I didn't want them to look at me differently. I don't think its good to keep those kind of feelings to yourself. I've been meaning to go see a psychologist to talk through some of these things. Why would I want to talk to a psychologist verses someone I already know? I want to get things off my chest for me, but I don't want any associated opinions and judgements.
There is nothing that hurts more than pouring yourself out to people and them rejecting it or throwing it back in your face. I don't blame them, because maybe they think they're telling me what I need to hear. Maybe they don't realize that what was being shared were my deepest thoughts and secrets. Maybe they don't realize how rude it is to talk to someone in that tone. This is always the reaction I get from people after they finally know everything about me. They start to rip me apart. Friends are supposed to lift you up, but mine feel the need to break me down. That goes for some family members too. I'm starting to think the way to overcome this is to continue to build a life on my own. I don't want to be less secretive. I want to be more secretive. I've tried to open up and I've been burned. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm just being stupid and I know I'm not dumb. That will not be a mistake I chose to repeat.
song of the day : Pieces of Me by Ashley Simpson
quote of the day: I told God to protect me from my enemies, and I started losing friends
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
"Let rain fall and then wash away my tears. Let it fill my soul and drown my fears. Let it shatter the walls for a new sun. A New Day Has Come!"
Hello long lost friend,
This blog is one of my greatest treasures. It holds so many of my feelings and all the words I left unsaid. There are days it has been my only friend. When I didn't have a voice, it was where I turned to feel heard. To empty the voices and demons in my head. Rereading my posts from this summer gives me chills. I still feel the pain I felt with every ounce of my being. I have distracted myself and found a way to move away from my failures, but I haven't reached the point of moving on and getting over them. The difference between then and now is I now know that the time will come when I truly am over my disappointments and downfall. It may have bent me, but it didn't break me. I'm still in an academic limbo. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I've realized that maybe what I want to do with my life has absolutely nothing to do with what I study. The society we live in has made academic success the ultimate goal. Things are this way for a good reason. Academic success leads to financial stability which is necessary to be self sufficient. Self sufficiency is the ultimate goal. Being able to leave your parents, sally mae, or whoever is keeping you afloat.
I lost my "high paying" job this summer. I replaced it with two low paying jobs. Believe it or not, I am happier in the work place. I have coworkers that I like in both locations. I feel comfortable asking them for favors and explaining my very real human problems to them. They don't look at me like I'm an outcast or not enough. They accept me and continue to surprise me by working really hard to figure out exactly who I am. I had a conversation with my forever friend Samira yesterday. She was telling me that she realized I'm a really secretive person. I had to agree with her. I am definitely a secretive person. I like the reason a lot of people don't know much about me is because I'm still figuring me out. I'm learning a lot about myself from the people in my life, the things I'm choosing to spend my time on, and finally letting myself think, feel, and be freely. Some of the things that were a secret no longer are. I'm proud to be a swahili speaking African these days, and I'm not ashamed about being overweight. I share my thoughts even when they're "lame" and "type A". I don't really care what people think about me after I put them out there. I'm an extremely kind person. People in my life keep trying to take that from me. I'm constantly being told to put my foot down or stop being nice because it makes others uncomfortable. I finally realized that I don't care if how I am makes you uncomfortable. I like that I'm different. I like that I care about people. For the longest time, I felt like I had to quietly uplift others. I didn't want to freak them out with my niceness or make them think I care in a creepy way or something. I've started opening up more about how I see people. I think my ability to see the best in people is a blessing. It brings joy to my life and the lives of others as well.
I'm learning that friendships and relationships are a common theme in your early twenties. Those two things bring lots of additional stress to my life. They bring joy, but lately I'm starting tot think the stress outweighs the joy. Lets start with relationships. One of my dead relationships over the summer went on for three additional months, because I let it. This man was the last one standing, and I felt like I owed him a chance. The fact that no one else saw my worth and he did meant that I should keep him around. In the early months following the summer, he was persistent. He reassured me. Then he disappeared. After disappearing, he came back and we tried again. This time I decided to try to be the best women I can be to him from a distance. That was when he decided he didn't want to be with me. My best wasn't good enough. Instead of walking away with my pride in tact, I continued to try to reach out to him. He one word responded me and stopped texting me, and I finally learned the time had come to let it go. I'm not what he's looking for. To be honest, I don't think he was looking for love. I know that I was looking for love. There was no point in us even interacting when we want such different things. I think I finally had a moment with he guy I've had a crush on for an eternity. He asked me to dance, but the timing was all wrong. It lead to additional drama with friends, and I didn't even really get to think twice about it. If it was meant to be, that won't be the only olive branch he extends to me.
Friendships. In Girl Scouts we used to sing a song and it goes like this, "make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the others gold. A circles round. It has no end. Thats how long I want to be your friend". It was a beautiful concept. That you go through life making new friends and continue to treasure the old ones. Unfortunately, its not as easy as the song goes. People change. They grow apart. There are only so many hours in the day. I don't have time to balance all my friendships anymore. Each friend get a tiny piece of me and the ones that need me the most get the most of me. While a majority of my friendships are good, some are really struggling. I've never had a friend like one of the ones I have now. She's really been there and challenged me to be more than I am and embrace different parts of me. She's lead me towards good decisions and some bad ones at all, but we've really grown together. But lately, no matter what I do it never seems to be enough. I've never given a friendship this much of myself, and it surprises me that all that I'm giving isn't enough. I literally couldn't give any more. I drop everything down to hang out with her, because I know what she's going through. I listen when its needed and honestly chime in when I feel like she's going in the wrong direction. It really hurts me that whatever it is I'm putting into our friendship isn't enough. There's nothing like being unvalued to the person who is supposed to see the most value in me. I guess I messed up. I danced with the boy she was sleeping with at a party and abandoned her to spend time with the boy I was interested in a party. Were those good things? No. Are they things I believe should end a friendship and be dwelled over? No. I hope we can work through this issue in our friendship, but the last few days thinking all of this over just makes me want to be alone. Its made me really consider a life on my own.
I'm never completely alone. I always have Jesus Christ, My mother, My father, and my baby brother. Through all of it. I'm listening to Jesus paid it all and thinking about what they mean to me is bringing tears to my eyes. My gold star for only crying once today has to be revoked. Their love is everything to me. It is so pure and unconditional. We don't always see everything eye to eye, but I'm always enough to them. I think I want to bury myself into my family and the lord again. Go out less and watch television more. I can't disappoint myself as easily as others can't hurt and disappoint me. A golden example is my birthday. I have all of these "friends" right. Not a single one of them was able to travel with me to celebrate my birthday the way I wanted to. One of them proceeded to tell me they can't afford it, but they do have $500 to meet Selena Gomez (forever a D-lister in my book) and travel to LA to spend time with her sister and cousins. What that translated to for me was that this is what's important to me. Your birthday celebration is not. What more motivation do I need to do things for me? I recently put my birthday trip money towards a brand new 64g iPhone 6s Plus and tickets to see Janet Jackson with my mama. I don't want to spend my birthday with any of the people who didn't see value in what I wanted to do. I understand not having the money, but at the same time other people my age who come from worse conditions are able to find the money to travel and do things with their friends. Maybe I'm selfish, but that's how I feel. I don't want some rinky dink surprise party at the cheesecake factory. I've been eating there since my family discovered it when I was 14. That's nothing special. I only turn 21 once, and I would rather celebrate it alone then doing what a bunch of people thought my big day was worth. I know it was worth more than that. It was worth a 900 phone, Janet Jackson, and all the other little treats I'm going to put it towards. The moral of this friendship and relationship segment is, I chose me. I'm my best friend and my true love. I'm enough for me. Always have been and always will be.
Song of the day : A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion
Quote of the day: Be honest, be true, be you, be OWT
This blog is one of my greatest treasures. It holds so many of my feelings and all the words I left unsaid. There are days it has been my only friend. When I didn't have a voice, it was where I turned to feel heard. To empty the voices and demons in my head. Rereading my posts from this summer gives me chills. I still feel the pain I felt with every ounce of my being. I have distracted myself and found a way to move away from my failures, but I haven't reached the point of moving on and getting over them. The difference between then and now is I now know that the time will come when I truly am over my disappointments and downfall. It may have bent me, but it didn't break me. I'm still in an academic limbo. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I've realized that maybe what I want to do with my life has absolutely nothing to do with what I study. The society we live in has made academic success the ultimate goal. Things are this way for a good reason. Academic success leads to financial stability which is necessary to be self sufficient. Self sufficiency is the ultimate goal. Being able to leave your parents, sally mae, or whoever is keeping you afloat.
I lost my "high paying" job this summer. I replaced it with two low paying jobs. Believe it or not, I am happier in the work place. I have coworkers that I like in both locations. I feel comfortable asking them for favors and explaining my very real human problems to them. They don't look at me like I'm an outcast or not enough. They accept me and continue to surprise me by working really hard to figure out exactly who I am. I had a conversation with my forever friend Samira yesterday. She was telling me that she realized I'm a really secretive person. I had to agree with her. I am definitely a secretive person. I like the reason a lot of people don't know much about me is because I'm still figuring me out. I'm learning a lot about myself from the people in my life, the things I'm choosing to spend my time on, and finally letting myself think, feel, and be freely. Some of the things that were a secret no longer are. I'm proud to be a swahili speaking African these days, and I'm not ashamed about being overweight. I share my thoughts even when they're "lame" and "type A". I don't really care what people think about me after I put them out there. I'm an extremely kind person. People in my life keep trying to take that from me. I'm constantly being told to put my foot down or stop being nice because it makes others uncomfortable. I finally realized that I don't care if how I am makes you uncomfortable. I like that I'm different. I like that I care about people. For the longest time, I felt like I had to quietly uplift others. I didn't want to freak them out with my niceness or make them think I care in a creepy way or something. I've started opening up more about how I see people. I think my ability to see the best in people is a blessing. It brings joy to my life and the lives of others as well.
I'm learning that friendships and relationships are a common theme in your early twenties. Those two things bring lots of additional stress to my life. They bring joy, but lately I'm starting tot think the stress outweighs the joy. Lets start with relationships. One of my dead relationships over the summer went on for three additional months, because I let it. This man was the last one standing, and I felt like I owed him a chance. The fact that no one else saw my worth and he did meant that I should keep him around. In the early months following the summer, he was persistent. He reassured me. Then he disappeared. After disappearing, he came back and we tried again. This time I decided to try to be the best women I can be to him from a distance. That was when he decided he didn't want to be with me. My best wasn't good enough. Instead of walking away with my pride in tact, I continued to try to reach out to him. He one word responded me and stopped texting me, and I finally learned the time had come to let it go. I'm not what he's looking for. To be honest, I don't think he was looking for love. I know that I was looking for love. There was no point in us even interacting when we want such different things. I think I finally had a moment with he guy I've had a crush on for an eternity. He asked me to dance, but the timing was all wrong. It lead to additional drama with friends, and I didn't even really get to think twice about it. If it was meant to be, that won't be the only olive branch he extends to me.
Friendships. In Girl Scouts we used to sing a song and it goes like this, "make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the others gold. A circles round. It has no end. Thats how long I want to be your friend". It was a beautiful concept. That you go through life making new friends and continue to treasure the old ones. Unfortunately, its not as easy as the song goes. People change. They grow apart. There are only so many hours in the day. I don't have time to balance all my friendships anymore. Each friend get a tiny piece of me and the ones that need me the most get the most of me. While a majority of my friendships are good, some are really struggling. I've never had a friend like one of the ones I have now. She's really been there and challenged me to be more than I am and embrace different parts of me. She's lead me towards good decisions and some bad ones at all, but we've really grown together. But lately, no matter what I do it never seems to be enough. I've never given a friendship this much of myself, and it surprises me that all that I'm giving isn't enough. I literally couldn't give any more. I drop everything down to hang out with her, because I know what she's going through. I listen when its needed and honestly chime in when I feel like she's going in the wrong direction. It really hurts me that whatever it is I'm putting into our friendship isn't enough. There's nothing like being unvalued to the person who is supposed to see the most value in me. I guess I messed up. I danced with the boy she was sleeping with at a party and abandoned her to spend time with the boy I was interested in a party. Were those good things? No. Are they things I believe should end a friendship and be dwelled over? No. I hope we can work through this issue in our friendship, but the last few days thinking all of this over just makes me want to be alone. Its made me really consider a life on my own.
I'm never completely alone. I always have Jesus Christ, My mother, My father, and my baby brother. Through all of it. I'm listening to Jesus paid it all and thinking about what they mean to me is bringing tears to my eyes. My gold star for only crying once today has to be revoked. Their love is everything to me. It is so pure and unconditional. We don't always see everything eye to eye, but I'm always enough to them. I think I want to bury myself into my family and the lord again. Go out less and watch television more. I can't disappoint myself as easily as others can't hurt and disappoint me. A golden example is my birthday. I have all of these "friends" right. Not a single one of them was able to travel with me to celebrate my birthday the way I wanted to. One of them proceeded to tell me they can't afford it, but they do have $500 to meet Selena Gomez (forever a D-lister in my book) and travel to LA to spend time with her sister and cousins. What that translated to for me was that this is what's important to me. Your birthday celebration is not. What more motivation do I need to do things for me? I recently put my birthday trip money towards a brand new 64g iPhone 6s Plus and tickets to see Janet Jackson with my mama. I don't want to spend my birthday with any of the people who didn't see value in what I wanted to do. I understand not having the money, but at the same time other people my age who come from worse conditions are able to find the money to travel and do things with their friends. Maybe I'm selfish, but that's how I feel. I don't want some rinky dink surprise party at the cheesecake factory. I've been eating there since my family discovered it when I was 14. That's nothing special. I only turn 21 once, and I would rather celebrate it alone then doing what a bunch of people thought my big day was worth. I know it was worth more than that. It was worth a 900 phone, Janet Jackson, and all the other little treats I'm going to put it towards. The moral of this friendship and relationship segment is, I chose me. I'm my best friend and my true love. I'm enough for me. Always have been and always will be.
Song of the day : A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion
Quote of the day: Be honest, be true, be you, be OWT
Friday, July 10, 2015
"You're Still the One I Run To, The One That I Belong To/ You're still the One I Want For Life"
I spent my entire life in love with the idea of love. I was (am?) a true hopeless romantic. To be honest, I can't tell you how it started. My parent have been married 23 years. Maybe it was them that made me value love so much. I don't know how long my grandparents on my mom side were married but it was a long time. But now that I think about it, I think my love of love may have been sparked by my mothers love of weddings. When I was little, my mom loved to watch weddings on television. Celebrity weddings, the weddings of friends, and of course her own wedding. We watched and critiqued the gown, the decorations, cake, and everything that went into the special day. It was there that I learned its better to make one of your colors cream, so that you don't end up with a weird clashy situation.I was a flower girl two times, and my mom said that was a blessing. The first time I was nervous, but it was my first time wearing make up. I got to put on eye liner and a little lip gloss. I was only 5. My mom didn't like anyone else doing my hair, so she styled my poof herself. I had a flower headband before it was even popular, and I sang the songs I heard at the wedding for weeks after. It was a special moment. My second time being a flower girl was different. I also associate the memory with my hair. It was the first time my mom let me get it straightened, and I understood the reality of shrinkage. I had a really intricate hair style and felt like a princess. I have a 50% flower girl success rate. One of the couples I was a flower girl for is still together and the other couple broke up a few years after getting married.
Marriage is one of the most beautiful things in the world to me. If you're lucky enough, you come into this life surrounded by love. The love of God, your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, God parents. They're all anxiously waiting to welcome you into the world. I work at a hospital and there's a baby born pretty much every day. It's so fun to see all the people in the waiting room and walking in the room to get the first glimpse. They don't know what the baby will grow up to be, but they do know that they love him or her. Regardless. The love of your family is the truest love you will ever have. They have to love you, because you're their own. Their blood runs through your veins and when they're gone, you'll live on with the values and lifestyle they taught you. There are billions and billions of people in the world that are not your family. They don't have to love you and adore you, but if you're lucky you will find that same kind of love from an outsider. This outsider will go from a stranger to your whole world, and together you'll start a family of your own and pass this love on to your children and their children. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
It's just so hard to find. When I began writing this post a couple days ago, I had every intention of ending it by saying that I am no longer a hopeless romantic. I have lost my belief in love. How did I get here? Oh there were many men who led to this decision. I am a women who has so much love to give. It's in my nature to care for people. Despite recent changes and ups and downs I've faced, I still know that I'm a kind person who wants nothing more than to love and be loved by another. Just like the famous line from Les Miserables states, "To love another person is to see the face of God". I want to have that experience, but it never happens for me. I've gotten to the point where I know that I must be the problem. Love is always in the air in summer time, and I've met some great people this summer and over the course last year. It's the same story over and over again. We meet, there's a spark, we exchange numbers, talk for a month or two. They express how much they'd love to go on a date. Some will actually take you, and others wont. Eventually the number of texts decrease, and one day you're not talking anymore. It ends just as quick as it started. Maybe I say the wrong things. There are men I've been open with that couldn't have been more intimidated by openness and others who I was more vague and mysterious with. Neither route works for me. Some of them want to make out and float on our physical connection, but none of them want to love me. They could care less if I saw the potential to love them.
I'm really tired of hearing the same things. "There is someone for everyone. Your prince will come". "It's not you, it's them". "Maybe you're going for the wrong type of men". "You need to work on yourself before someone can love you". "You're too young to find the one. Just have fun". All this advice is valid, but I really feel like I've done it all. The other night after finally refusing to text the guy I'm interested in first for the millionth time, I decided to search the bible for something about finding love. My mom gave me a bible with verses for every type of feeling you could be having. I searched loneliness. That's how I feel without the one.I unfortunately didn't find anything in the bible along the lines of "How to get a man 101". I know that the way to success in life is to seek God and get lost in him. So that's what i'll do. I'll get lost and pray that there's someone out there for me to marry, and make lots and lots of beautiful natural haired babies with. He needs to hurry up, because I already found my flower girl dresses of choice.
Song of the Day : You're Still the One by Shania Twain
Quote of the day : "A women's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek him in order to find her"
Marriage is one of the most beautiful things in the world to me. If you're lucky enough, you come into this life surrounded by love. The love of God, your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, God parents. They're all anxiously waiting to welcome you into the world. I work at a hospital and there's a baby born pretty much every day. It's so fun to see all the people in the waiting room and walking in the room to get the first glimpse. They don't know what the baby will grow up to be, but they do know that they love him or her. Regardless. The love of your family is the truest love you will ever have. They have to love you, because you're their own. Their blood runs through your veins and when they're gone, you'll live on with the values and lifestyle they taught you. There are billions and billions of people in the world that are not your family. They don't have to love you and adore you, but if you're lucky you will find that same kind of love from an outsider. This outsider will go from a stranger to your whole world, and together you'll start a family of your own and pass this love on to your children and their children. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
It's just so hard to find. When I began writing this post a couple days ago, I had every intention of ending it by saying that I am no longer a hopeless romantic. I have lost my belief in love. How did I get here? Oh there were many men who led to this decision. I am a women who has so much love to give. It's in my nature to care for people. Despite recent changes and ups and downs I've faced, I still know that I'm a kind person who wants nothing more than to love and be loved by another. Just like the famous line from Les Miserables states, "To love another person is to see the face of God". I want to have that experience, but it never happens for me. I've gotten to the point where I know that I must be the problem. Love is always in the air in summer time, and I've met some great people this summer and over the course last year. It's the same story over and over again. We meet, there's a spark, we exchange numbers, talk for a month or two. They express how much they'd love to go on a date. Some will actually take you, and others wont. Eventually the number of texts decrease, and one day you're not talking anymore. It ends just as quick as it started. Maybe I say the wrong things. There are men I've been open with that couldn't have been more intimidated by openness and others who I was more vague and mysterious with. Neither route works for me. Some of them want to make out and float on our physical connection, but none of them want to love me. They could care less if I saw the potential to love them.
I'm really tired of hearing the same things. "There is someone for everyone. Your prince will come". "It's not you, it's them". "Maybe you're going for the wrong type of men". "You need to work on yourself before someone can love you". "You're too young to find the one. Just have fun". All this advice is valid, but I really feel like I've done it all. The other night after finally refusing to text the guy I'm interested in first for the millionth time, I decided to search the bible for something about finding love. My mom gave me a bible with verses for every type of feeling you could be having. I searched loneliness. That's how I feel without the one.I unfortunately didn't find anything in the bible along the lines of "How to get a man 101". I know that the way to success in life is to seek God and get lost in him. So that's what i'll do. I'll get lost and pray that there's someone out there for me to marry, and make lots and lots of beautiful natural haired babies with. He needs to hurry up, because I already found my flower girl dresses of choice.
Song of the Day : You're Still the One by Shania Twain
Quote of the day : "A women's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek him in order to find her"
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
"I Hope You Learn To Make It On Your Own, and If You Love Yourself Just Know You'll Never Be Alone"
Defeat. It's the word of the day, week, month, and year. I am defeated. I was defeated by life, by the deans at school, by my boss at work, and by myself. I made a blog in May about going from having everything to nothing, and now it's official. All the loose ends are tied. I have nothing. I have been forced to start over and deal with the consequences of my mistakes. To my defense, at least I'm not a theif, crack addict, young unwed mother, or something that goes hand in hand with those other life possibilities. When it first sunk in that all these terrible things were happening to me, it didn't help to think of how much worse it could be. It also didn't help to think about how much better things could be, because I was stuck on the work it would take to get there. I've lost so much time. I've lost faith in so many different things. I have lost a lot. If there was a second word of the week, that would be it. Loss.
1. I lost my life plan. I had a career that I was looking forward to practicing. I had made all the right steps to get there. I was looking forward to a life better than anything I've ever experienced. The Land Rovers and double staircase that were going to come along with that career are gone as well now.
2. I lost my job. I hated most of my time in this position. I complained about it all the time, but when it was gone it hurt. Just because that's just one more way I have to start over. I haven't started applying for new positions yet, so I'm sure there will be a period of extreme brokenness coming soon.
3. I lost the guy, and another one, and another one. The one that really matters was everything. I hadn't connected with a man that way in so long. We clicked, we had chemistry, and he was everything I wanted and more. I broke through my insanity and talked to him first. We took me on a trip through the world of "we" and "dates". None of which happened. He went from interested to evaporated. No where to be found. He just didn't put in enough initiative. I don't know why.
The other guy approached me. It was on a night where I felt beautiful in all white and gold jewelry. He had spotted me in a club and happened to be in the same restaurant as me after. He was so charming. No I didn't feel the same sparks as I felt with the other man, but we connected. He was an excellent texter and kept it going. He got me to like him. It took time and effort. When I did fall for him, he did what all black men do : evaporated.
The last one I'm embarrassed to even talk about. He was smooth and our chemistry was very physical. I was easily charmed, but we're not on our way to being boyfriend and girlfriend. That's for sure.
I've lost a lot. I've finally wiped my tears and found the courage to move on. It wasn't easy. There were a lot of tears. More tears than I've had at any point in my life thus far. I'm not a crier publicly or privately. I just don't think it helps much or solves the problem. While evaluating so many different things about myself, I realized why I despise crying publicly so much. I hate sympathy. There's nothing worse than people feeling sorry for me. Looking at me with those "You poor thing" puppy dog eyes. I understand that people do it because they care about you and want to be there for you, but I hate every single second of it. That's why I avoid talking to people about how I feel after negative things and crying. This was all more than I have ever had to handle. I finally reached the point where I did have to cry in front of the people that I love and express how terrible I felt. I was legit depressed. I slept all the time and didn't really feel like looking cute or going out and doing anything. When I did go out and do things, I didn't enjoy them. I was still dwelling on all the negatives. I have moved past that as well.
I had to learn that things do not always go as you have planned. I have to find a way to enjoy the journey of the new plan and deal with whatever outcomes it will bring. I have to start over. I really hope that this wasn't the beginning of my luck running out. I hope it was just life telling me that something needs to change. Here's to change, whatever's next, and the one that won't evaporate.
Song of the Day: One Man Can Change the World - Big Sean (I may be the only girl in the world who cried to Big Sean. I really felt like he was talking to me in the beginning of this song. Having hope and believing in someone is a beautiful thing. Who knew I would get that encouragement from a random rapper)
Quote of the Day : If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. - Maya Angelou
1. I lost my life plan. I had a career that I was looking forward to practicing. I had made all the right steps to get there. I was looking forward to a life better than anything I've ever experienced. The Land Rovers and double staircase that were going to come along with that career are gone as well now.
2. I lost my job. I hated most of my time in this position. I complained about it all the time, but when it was gone it hurt. Just because that's just one more way I have to start over. I haven't started applying for new positions yet, so I'm sure there will be a period of extreme brokenness coming soon.
3. I lost the guy, and another one, and another one. The one that really matters was everything. I hadn't connected with a man that way in so long. We clicked, we had chemistry, and he was everything I wanted and more. I broke through my insanity and talked to him first. We took me on a trip through the world of "we" and "dates". None of which happened. He went from interested to evaporated. No where to be found. He just didn't put in enough initiative. I don't know why.
The other guy approached me. It was on a night where I felt beautiful in all white and gold jewelry. He had spotted me in a club and happened to be in the same restaurant as me after. He was so charming. No I didn't feel the same sparks as I felt with the other man, but we connected. He was an excellent texter and kept it going. He got me to like him. It took time and effort. When I did fall for him, he did what all black men do : evaporated.
The last one I'm embarrassed to even talk about. He was smooth and our chemistry was very physical. I was easily charmed, but we're not on our way to being boyfriend and girlfriend. That's for sure.
I've lost a lot. I've finally wiped my tears and found the courage to move on. It wasn't easy. There were a lot of tears. More tears than I've had at any point in my life thus far. I'm not a crier publicly or privately. I just don't think it helps much or solves the problem. While evaluating so many different things about myself, I realized why I despise crying publicly so much. I hate sympathy. There's nothing worse than people feeling sorry for me. Looking at me with those "You poor thing" puppy dog eyes. I understand that people do it because they care about you and want to be there for you, but I hate every single second of it. That's why I avoid talking to people about how I feel after negative things and crying. This was all more than I have ever had to handle. I finally reached the point where I did have to cry in front of the people that I love and express how terrible I felt. I was legit depressed. I slept all the time and didn't really feel like looking cute or going out and doing anything. When I did go out and do things, I didn't enjoy them. I was still dwelling on all the negatives. I have moved past that as well.
I had to learn that things do not always go as you have planned. I have to find a way to enjoy the journey of the new plan and deal with whatever outcomes it will bring. I have to start over. I really hope that this wasn't the beginning of my luck running out. I hope it was just life telling me that something needs to change. Here's to change, whatever's next, and the one that won't evaporate.
Song of the Day: One Man Can Change the World - Big Sean (I may be the only girl in the world who cried to Big Sean. I really felt like he was talking to me in the beginning of this song. Having hope and believing in someone is a beautiful thing. Who knew I would get that encouragement from a random rapper)
Quote of the Day : If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. - Maya Angelou
"I'm Fallin' In And Out of Love With You / I Never Loved Someone The Way That I Love You"
Artists I've seen Live (updated)
1. Lil Wayne
2. Trey songz (x4) - Met twice.
3. Ty$
4. Kid Ink
5. Chris Brown
6. Nicki Minaj
7. Snoop dog
8. Big Sean (saw him. High fived me after his concert)
9. French Montana
10. Asap Ferg
11. Drake (x2)
12. Jhenae Aiko
13. Future (x3) - Has the best team in the world. We kicked it before the show, and I got a picture after.
14. Rico Love
15. Alicia Keys
16. Neyo
17. Jordin Sparks
18. Lady Gaga
19. Taylor Swift (x3)
20. Demi Lovato - Met her. The video has a ton of views on youtube.
21. Enrique Iglasias
22. Pitbull
23. Justin Bieber
24. Cody Simpson
25. Carly Rae Jepson
26. George Clinton
27. Kellie Pickler
28. Gloriana
29. Florida Georgia Line
30. Bruno Mars (x2)
31. Janelle Monae
32. T.I.
33. Sevyn Streeter
34. Tyga
35. Usher
36. Miguel (x4)
37. Ed Sheeran
38. B.o.B.
39. Elle Verner
40. Fetty Wap - Met him as I was in line to get into his club appearance. His eye really is messed up and he was highly intoxicated. But not to intoxicated to deny me a picture.
41. Justin Timberlake
42. Kendrick Lamar
The list is pretty impressive if I say so myself. The artists that I still would like to see live include :
1. Rihanna
2.Eminem
3. Janet Jackson
4. Madonna
5. Celine Dion (She has a concert on NYE in Las Vegas just days after I turn 21. I think I'm going to try and find a way to be there)
6. Toni Braxton
7. Adele (she should honestly be on the top of the list. It's been forever since shes released new music, but her songs still touch my soul. Her voice is breathtakingly beautiful. I need to get like her)
8. Beyonce
9. Britney Spears
10. Hunter Hayes
11. Carrie Underwood
12. Katy Perry
13. Kelly Clarkson
14. Mariah Carey (she is way way way way way up on the list. Should be number one honestly)
15. Tamar Braxton
My first concert was Alicia Keys. She was my role model growing up, and I'm not ashamed to say that. Granted this was before she stole another women's husband, but that's her personal business. I started playing piano because I was fascinated by her art. I still remember watching her perform Fallin' with the cornrows and weird jumpsuits on Good Morning America. The concert was everything to me. I was amazed and so was my mom. It was her first real concert too. It sparked my interest in live music and getting to see the greats of our time. Before making this list, I didn't even realize there had already been 42 artists. Here's to the next 42.
Song of the Day : Fallin' by Alicia Keys
Quote of the Day : "We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated" - Dr. Maya Angelou
1. Lil Wayne
2. Trey songz (x4) - Met twice.
3. Ty$
4. Kid Ink
5. Chris Brown
6. Nicki Minaj
7. Snoop dog
8. Big Sean (saw him. High fived me after his concert)
9. French Montana
10. Asap Ferg
11. Drake (x2)
12. Jhenae Aiko
13. Future (x3) - Has the best team in the world. We kicked it before the show, and I got a picture after.
14. Rico Love
15. Alicia Keys
16. Neyo
17. Jordin Sparks
18. Lady Gaga
19. Taylor Swift (x3)
20. Demi Lovato - Met her. The video has a ton of views on youtube.
21. Enrique Iglasias
22. Pitbull
23. Justin Bieber
24. Cody Simpson
25. Carly Rae Jepson
26. George Clinton
27. Kellie Pickler
28. Gloriana
29. Florida Georgia Line
30. Bruno Mars (x2)
31. Janelle Monae
32. T.I.
33. Sevyn Streeter
34. Tyga
35. Usher
36. Miguel (x4)
37. Ed Sheeran
38. B.o.B.
39. Elle Verner
40. Fetty Wap - Met him as I was in line to get into his club appearance. His eye really is messed up and he was highly intoxicated. But not to intoxicated to deny me a picture.
41. Justin Timberlake
42. Kendrick Lamar
The list is pretty impressive if I say so myself. The artists that I still would like to see live include :
1. Rihanna
2.Eminem
3. Janet Jackson
4. Madonna
5. Celine Dion (She has a concert on NYE in Las Vegas just days after I turn 21. I think I'm going to try and find a way to be there)
6. Toni Braxton
7. Adele (she should honestly be on the top of the list. It's been forever since shes released new music, but her songs still touch my soul. Her voice is breathtakingly beautiful. I need to get like her)
8. Beyonce
9. Britney Spears
10. Hunter Hayes
11. Carrie Underwood
12. Katy Perry
13. Kelly Clarkson
14. Mariah Carey (she is way way way way way up on the list. Should be number one honestly)
15. Tamar Braxton
My first concert was Alicia Keys. She was my role model growing up, and I'm not ashamed to say that. Granted this was before she stole another women's husband, but that's her personal business. I started playing piano because I was fascinated by her art. I still remember watching her perform Fallin' with the cornrows and weird jumpsuits on Good Morning America. The concert was everything to me. I was amazed and so was my mom. It was her first real concert too. It sparked my interest in live music and getting to see the greats of our time. Before making this list, I didn't even realize there had already been 42 artists. Here's to the next 42.
Song of the Day : Fallin' by Alicia Keys
Quote of the Day : "We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated" - Dr. Maya Angelou
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