"Jealousy's just love and hate at the same time"

This Drake lyric has been on my mind. I've been green with Gucci envy lately. That's what they always used to say in the Cheetah Girl books I was obsessed with in elementary school. It's just another phrase describing jealousy. Nobody said it like drake did in Over My Dead Body though : Jealousy's just love and hate at the same time. That was the absolute truth. There is no better way to describe the emotion. The over the surface way to think about the lyric would be, you're a hater and don't realize you're only hating because you love that aspect of them. The way I think of it is deeper, and I just literally take it as loving someone and hating them at the same time. Have you ever experienced that? There are some people in this world that bring out that feeling in me. The only love I've ever had was for my family, so I can't really tell you if it's romantic love. In fact I know it's not, because to be in love two people have to feel the same way. What the jealousy is for me is that you "love" them so much, but you hate the fact that they get away being the mean person they can be sometimes. Then you look into that mean person and realize that being the way they are is the reason you care for them in the first place. This probably makes no sense to you all. The song Hate That I Love You depicts it really well.

I know that jealousy isn't a good thing, and you should be content with what you have. I know that better then anyone, but I can't avoid it always. I can tell myself that over and over again and still not make the feeling go away. And even if I succeed, it shows up in my dreams. I literally had a dream that I was at the wedding of someone I once (and maybe still do if he's showing up in my dreams) had feelings for. I literally sat through the entire wedding and watched him marry someone else. It was a reality check that it really would happen, and I would be jealous when it does. I'm eighteen years old worrying about the wedding of another person who probably won't be married for years now. You see why I made less worrying a new years resolution? It's pretty bad. In the words of Jasmine Villegas "J-e-a-l-o-u-s , boy I don't know how you got me acting like this".

Jealousy and lack of confidence go together as well. I don't think you can be jealous if you're confident that you are great enough to deserve something good. You can't be jealous if you're confident in the mantra "Good things come to those who wait" and know or at least have hope your day will come. So my new plan for working on jealousy (while I 'm awake at least)? I'm going to work on myself. Not transform myself for someone else , because that's always the wrong thing. Let me throw in some advice while we're on this rant. Never transform or degrade yourself for someone else no matter how much you like them. Do not give them the benefit of knowing they succeeded in hurting you. It's not worth your pride my friends. Anyways, back to working on yourself. I'll work on becoming secure in my self, decisions, and the direction my life is headed. Does that mean I still won't desire things I don't have? No. But it'll mean that I 'm working towards achieving different and even better things for myself. I'll be too busy to think about all those things.

song of the day : Over My Dead Body by Drake (One of my all time favorite songs by him. It's amazing)

quote of the day:   Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you're riding through the ruts. don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief, and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake up and Live! - Bob Marley