"I feel free. I feel freedom. Why they mad? You should see them..."

I had a breakthrough! A big breakthrough! Like I've had the same problem my entire life and finally it clicked. I have an over-thinking problem. I'm also a people pleaser. I was raised in an African home, and it's respect is a big thing there. I would consider myself a pretty polite person, and I strive to be good to people. Somewhere along the line, I took my people pleasing too far. Today I was having a conversation about an event I was invited to and didn't want to attend. I spent hours that day contemplating weather I should go, because the person put so much effort in preparing the event. I wasn't really in the mood to party, and I'm never in the mood for something that involves alcohol  For starters, I'm underage. I can't afford to risk breaking the law and harming my health for a fun time. I have a lot of people depending on me, and I take that seriously. My parents gave up everything for me as their parents did for them, and that's not something you take lightly. The second reason is this : there is nothing fun about hanging out with a bunch of drunk people when you're not drunk. Their loud and crazy, and you just have to stand there acting like all the stupid stuff they say is funny. That is not what i'm interested in. I made the decision not to go. A couple days later the event was brought up, and they mentioned that I didn't go. Being the people pleaser I am, I made up some crap about being tired and really wishing I could be there. They called me out on that lie. For a second, I was heartbroken and felt so bad about the whole thing. I was also mad that they had the nerve to call me out on it. Then I had my giant, supercalafradjalisticespialadocious breakthrough. I don't give a shit. I never say that word. Ever. But this was the one chance where it gave the exact emphasis I was looking for.

I realized that I don't care if they're mad I lied. I don't care if they know I wasn't interested in going. It's my life, and no one can tell me what to do with it. If I don't want to do something, I don't have to. Somewhere in my subconscious, I've known this all along. I just had this good angel on my shoulder telling me that I don't want to be disrespectful. I now realize that there's a difference between being disrespectful and doing what you need to do for you. If I don't put my needs first, who will? This doesn't mean i'll stop being nice. This last week I had a crowd of things raining on my parade. Every door slammed in my face just built the anger up. A lot of people think that since they're in college, they get a free ride from manners and treating other people well. The night before the inauguration, I was so mad when I heard about Lupe Fiascos hate song towards Obama. He accused Obama of not doing enough from African American people and spoke his feelings. We live in a country where free speech is legal. I love that about America, but there's a time and a place for everything. To ruin a celebration with your negative opinion, isn't doing what you have to do for you. That would have been not attending the event or choosing not to perform, because it's not something you believe in. Disrespecting the host/reason for the event is just being plain rude.

I love the line in Nicki Minaj's song freedom, "They'll never thank me for opening doors, but they ain't even thank Jesus when he died on the cross. Cause your spirit is ungratful, b**tches is so hateful.."I like the line, because its the truth. People are slow to thank and quick to ask. Everyone has their moments, but some people are just like that all the time.


I believe in karma and the idea that good things happen to good people. Even though I feel like I'm nicer to people then they are to me sometimes; I know my day/reward will come. Even if I don't win the lottery or get the ultimate karma prize, I'm content knowing that I did what was right and may have brightened someones day in the process. What will I do with my new found breakthrough? I don't really know, but a big chip has been moved off of my shoulder. I'm not as concerned as I was before. This may be coming off as selfish, but part of the breakthrough is me not caring about your judgement either readers! Just kidding, I always care what you think. It's always good get different perspectives on something. I'm just relieved to be just living for me. It's a lot less stress this way.

Song of the day : Freedom by Nicki Minaj

Quote of the Day: For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.  - Nelson Mandela