"I feel free. I feel freedom. Why they mad? You should see them..."

I had a breakthrough! A big breakthrough! Like I've had the same problem my entire life and finally it clicked. I have an over-thinking problem. I'm also a people pleaser. I was raised in an African home, and it's respect is a big thing there. I would consider myself a pretty polite person, and I strive to be good to people. Somewhere along the line, I took my people pleasing too far. Today I was having a conversation about an event I was invited to and didn't want to attend. I spent hours that day contemplating weather I should go, because the person put so much effort in preparing the event. I wasn't really in the mood to party, and I'm never in the mood for something that involves alcohol  For starters, I'm underage. I can't afford to risk breaking the law and harming my health for a fun time. I have a lot of people depending on me, and I take that seriously. My parents gave up everything for me as their parents did for them, and that's not something you take lightly. The second reason is this : there is nothing fun about hanging out with a bunch of drunk people when you're not drunk. Their loud and crazy, and you just have to stand there acting like all the stupid stuff they say is funny. That is not what i'm interested in. I made the decision not to go. A couple days later the event was brought up, and they mentioned that I didn't go. Being the people pleaser I am, I made up some crap about being tired and really wishing I could be there. They called me out on that lie. For a second, I was heartbroken and felt so bad about the whole thing. I was also mad that they had the nerve to call me out on it. Then I had my giant, supercalafradjalisticespialadocious breakthrough. I don't give a shit. I never say that word. Ever. But this was the one chance where it gave the exact emphasis I was looking for.

I realized that I don't care if they're mad I lied. I don't care if they know I wasn't interested in going. It's my life, and no one can tell me what to do with it. If I don't want to do something, I don't have to. Somewhere in my subconscious, I've known this all along. I just had this good angel on my shoulder telling me that I don't want to be disrespectful. I now realize that there's a difference between being disrespectful and doing what you need to do for you. If I don't put my needs first, who will? This doesn't mean i'll stop being nice. This last week I had a crowd of things raining on my parade. Every door slammed in my face just built the anger up. A lot of people think that since they're in college, they get a free ride from manners and treating other people well. The night before the inauguration, I was so mad when I heard about Lupe Fiascos hate song towards Obama. He accused Obama of not doing enough from African American people and spoke his feelings. We live in a country where free speech is legal. I love that about America, but there's a time and a place for everything. To ruin a celebration with your negative opinion, isn't doing what you have to do for you. That would have been not attending the event or choosing not to perform, because it's not something you believe in. Disrespecting the host/reason for the event is just being plain rude.

I love the line in Nicki Minaj's song freedom, "They'll never thank me for opening doors, but they ain't even thank Jesus when he died on the cross. Cause your spirit is ungratful, b**tches is so hateful.."I like the line, because its the truth. People are slow to thank and quick to ask. Everyone has their moments, but some people are just like that all the time.


I believe in karma and the idea that good things happen to good people. Even though I feel like I'm nicer to people then they are to me sometimes; I know my day/reward will come. Even if I don't win the lottery or get the ultimate karma prize, I'm content knowing that I did what was right and may have brightened someones day in the process. What will I do with my new found breakthrough? I don't really know, but a big chip has been moved off of my shoulder. I'm not as concerned as I was before. This may be coming off as selfish, but part of the breakthrough is me not caring about your judgement either readers! Just kidding, I always care what you think. It's always good get different perspectives on something. I'm just relieved to be just living for me. It's a lot less stress this way.

Song of the day : Freedom by Nicki Minaj

Quote of the Day: For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.  - Nelson Mandela 

2013 Presidential Inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama

On January 21st, 2013 the 44th President of the United States was sworn into office for his second term. For one day, Republicans sucked in their tears and democrats tried to control their excitement to look professional for the swearing in ceremony. I woke up early to see it, because I live for events like this. If I had known it was going to be on Martin Luther King Day ahead of time and didn't have such a strong hatred for cold weather, I would be there. I don't know what it is about the Battle of The Hymn Republic, but the words and the wonderful Brooklyn Tabernacle choir had me in this close to tears <--->.  President looks good on Barack Obama. The swearing in went without a hitch, almost. There was one word that came out weird. It was good to see former President Bill Clinton with the ravishing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. I admire them so much as a couple. Despite the cheating and all of that, they've stuck by each other and are crucial parts in each others success. When you have someone that believes in you and God by your side, you're just bound to fly on wings like eagles. Jimmy Carter and his wife made a joyful appearance as well. I really enjoyed the speeches during the celebration lunch, because before they could speak they had to say, "Mr. President, Mr. President, Mr. President and everyone gathered here". I thought it was loser-ish of former President Bush not to attend. Just because he's from a different party doesn't mean he doesn't deserve support from someone who understands what he's going through. No hate for the Sr. President Bush though, just well wishes and prayers for healing. 

The performances are always fun to watch. I was looking forward to Kelly Clarkson, but especially Beyonce. Kelly Clarkson sang beautifully. She was a republican who stepped up to the plate and supported our country by supporting our president. I will never get over how awesome her voice is. I've been jamming out to her new song, but who knew she could even make My country Tis of Thee a hit. When I first heard Beyonce, I was absolutely stunned. Sure it wasn't as good as Whitney Houston's rendition, but it was good. Imagine my surprise when the next day I found out she was lip syncing. I lost a lot of respect for her ability in that moment. First, it's funny that she pulled the whole dramatic taking out my ear piece thing when there probably wasn't anything in it. Second, I often think of her as the voice of our generation, but she can't hold that crown if her ability doesn't live up. The best of singers can sing Ba Ba Black sheep on the random and sound flawless. If she would just make a comment, the whole thing will be cleared up and we'll understand why she did it. Before she does, I'm calling her out. That Superbowl performance better not be a recording too. Madonna killed it at 50 last year. Get it together Bey. I do have something positive to say about her though. Her and her husband looked picture perfect. They were the second best looking black couple there. Jay was a total gentlemen, and they were ever so professional talking to the nations leaders. I found it hilarious that all the old senators wanted Jay Z's autograph. From drug dealing to Inauguration. If Jay Z isn't living proof the American Dream lives, I don't know who is.

The first lady's bangs made headlines all around the world. Can I just say, it's not that bad? I think they're cute, but I do agree that they are not very first lady ish. Being the first lady would be a tricky task. Everyone wants to be like Jackie O. Sophisticated, fashionable, but respectable as well. I feel like bangs when you're 49 aren't that respectable. Sorry, I said what everyone was thinking. that doesn't mean she didn't look stunning in her ball dress. They were adorable dancing to Lets Stay Together. Jennifer Hudson sang her heart out. And they said she could sing as a skinny women. Ha! Malia and Sasha Obama looked great as well. Pretty in purple. Also worth remembering, this was one of the few times that inauguration day falls on a Sunday. They saved the festivities for Monday, but the official swearing in happened Sunday at the white House. It couldn't have happened on a better day, MLK day. Obama represents Martin's dream coming to life. It couldn't have happened without him. The inauguration speech was quite scandalous  Obama painted his picture of a more perfect America. Even I didn't agree with all of it, but it's a new beginning.

Song of the Day:  Lets stay together performed by Jennifer Hudson

Quote of the day : That is our generation’s task – to make these words, these rights, these values – of Life, and Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness – real for every American - President Barack Obama

"You know that's what ever woman wants to be, somebody's chelsea"

Why would a person hang on to a daydream that won't happen? That's the question I asked myself as I watched Trina renew her vows to her sex addict husband who everyone knows will cheat again. Not to be a hater, I think that people can change and marriage shouldn't just be thrown away. I admire their decision to fight for their commitment. On the other hand, I think that by lying to yourself you're only going to hurt more when you let yourself see what's been in front of you all along. I'm a daydreamer. It's rare that i'll give up on something even though my chances are slim. I'm the type to buy lottery tickets and enter contests. Life can change in an instant, and there's no reason to believe that you won't be the one that gets lucky. That would just be being a negative Nancy. I've set myself up for some gigantic disappointments by following this philosophy though. When I think, were those risks worth it? I can never decide.

Obviously everyone wants to get some kind of happily ever after. Some people search for that by advancing in their careers, meeting their soulmates, or simply smiling through whatever obstacles life throws their way. Everyone wants something different. If you give up what you really want, in order to try something different will you always wonder "what if I had tried harder?". No one wants to be the one who could have had it all, but settled for something less. I don't want to have regrets. I don't want to be Adele watching the one I love marry someone else singing Someone Like You for the rest of my life, you know? On the same show I was watching earlier (Braxton Family Values), they asked Toni if she believed marrying for money is a bad thing. She said, "You can learn to love anyone". She was half joking, half serious. My cousin had the same kind of views a week or so back when we were having a similar conversation. He said that he thinks he could love anyone that loves him. Especially if it was with all their heart, and that person genuinely cared about him. Maybe spending your whole life chasing "the one" stops you from finding someone who will stand by you through the good and bad, and put up with the ish that comes with all people.

The show Catfish is a perfect example of this (with the exception of the weird gender lie situations). These people spend years of their lives talking to someone online. The actual person generally turns out to be less well off then they claimed, and at least 20 pounds bigger then they looked in the picture. A majority of these relationship normally end at the realization the person isn't Drake "25 sittin on 25 mil (million dollars for those of you who don't speak Canadian jewish rapper). If a couple of those people had found a way to look past some of those little things, they may have found exactly what they were looking for.

I heard this man talking once and it really stuck with me. He said he hasn't won any awards and he doesn't have a hit album, but he has a fan. She hangs his pictures up on the wall, supports all his ideas, and wants to keep up with all the latest events in his life. That person was his wife. He didn't need to be Drake, or a male model in order her to see him as someone great.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that hanging on to some fantasy soulmate might stop you from finding someone you're compatible with that could make you feel as if you're someone special. If only some of the idiots I liked could realize that. I had to come to that realization on my own, maybe they will too. Or maybe i'll quit going for that type and start looking for someone who can love me as much as the man in the Reba show loved Chelsea (you didn't get that? check out this song). Get over the fact that it's country.

Song of the day : Somebody's Chelsea by Reba

quote of the day: "I am an ordinary man with ordinary thoughts, I have no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I have love another with all my heart, and to me that is enough." - The Notebook

Celebrity news of the day : Destiny's child is coming back!! AHHH!!! I've been waiting so long for this. They're doing another song together, and a greatest hits thing And Justin Timberlake is working on another album too. I never could forgive him for bringing Sexy Back then deciding to act. like what? Good music from everyone. Can't wait to hear it all.

A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes

"A dream is a wish you're heart makes when you're fast asleep. In dreams you lose your heartache. Whatever you wish for you keep". That Disney song use to be one that always resinated with me. Lets be real, I didn't watch that classic Cinderella movie. The picture and illustration on that was too grainy and that was back in the VHS days. I grew up on Cinderella with Brandy and Whitney Houston. You know, the one where a black woman and white man have an Asain baby and you don't think twice about it, because you're so little. Anyways, they didn't sing that song in that one. I've had some dreams lately that made me rethink what I want. Some special people have made appearances in my dreams lately. I don't always remember exactly what happened in them, but it's the feeling of everything being right when I wake up that sticks with me. Some of these things just aren't going to happen. They're out of my control. I can't change peoples opinions, views, or certain situations in my life. That's just not how it works. I can be a person I'm proud of though. If I 'm proud of me, it won't matter what anyone else thinks. Right now I'm not the person I want to be. There are some little changes I'm working on (i.e. new years resolution)

Speaking of resolutions you all probably want and update. The update is, I'm working on it. I went to Zumba yesterday and went to the gym more often. I'm not at the every day place I need to be. As far as worrying, winter break is a really laid back time, so I've been blessed with few worries. To be honest, I kind of forgot what my other ones were. That's what the blog is for. I'll read them.

Friendship has been on my mind for the last couple days. I'm blessed to have some friends that I've been close too for at least 5+ years. I haven't really made any college friends that I would consider close. My excuse is that I live off campus, but maybe I've just been using the people I do know as a crutch. Or maybe the reality is that it'll be hard to meet people as awesome as I know. If only they all thought each other were as awesome, as I thought they were. All friend groups have a little drama. I personally think drama is kind of fun. That's my immature 2012 version coming through though. This year I want to keep it drama free. I never blame anyone for feeling a certain way about a person. That's not something they can help. Feelings are feelings and you shouldn't have to put up with people you don't like. But if you've known someone for a long time, I think it's worth putting in the effort to work on the friendship. Just like it's worth it to work on relationships and marriages. We've turned into a society of quitters. The minute someone makes us feel awkward or doesn't act as we think they should, we run away. I personally don't think it's a bad thing to remind people to take several seats when necessary. Everyone gets on their high horse sometimes, but if I were too I would like to think someone would check me and remind me to stay in my lane. Yeah, I said it. Check me out of love and I won't be mad. I'll be glad you care enough to make sure I stay on track.

Celebrity Story of the Day : Speaking of a society of quitters..Say it ain't so, Haylor (Taylor Swift + Harry Styles) is over before it even really began. I'm kind of glad, because the name Haylor wasn't cute. It kind of sounded like inhalor to me, and there's nothing good about that. I can't say I'm surprised. Taylor's track record hasn't been the best, but I don't blame her. There's nothing wrong with being young and in love. She falls hard and loves even harder. Sure, it doesn't last but she's putting herself out there and getting closer to finding the one. I think all the haters need to hear the song God Bless The Broken Road. All the relationships that don't work out and mistakes made in love are just part of the process of being ready to find the person you deserve. That's my truth.

And the weirdest part of this whole thing is that Harry has four nipples. I had no idea.
For real though. Look.


song of the day: God Bless The Broken Road by Carrie Underwood & The Rascal Flatts

quote of the day : “You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”- Dr. Suess

"Jealousy's just love and hate at the same time"

This Drake lyric has been on my mind. I've been green with Gucci envy lately. That's what they always used to say in the Cheetah Girl books I was obsessed with in elementary school. It's just another phrase describing jealousy. Nobody said it like drake did in Over My Dead Body though : Jealousy's just love and hate at the same time. That was the absolute truth. There is no better way to describe the emotion. The over the surface way to think about the lyric would be, you're a hater and don't realize you're only hating because you love that aspect of them. The way I think of it is deeper, and I just literally take it as loving someone and hating them at the same time. Have you ever experienced that? There are some people in this world that bring out that feeling in me. The only love I've ever had was for my family, so I can't really tell you if it's romantic love. In fact I know it's not, because to be in love two people have to feel the same way. What the jealousy is for me is that you "love" them so much, but you hate the fact that they get away being the mean person they can be sometimes. Then you look into that mean person and realize that being the way they are is the reason you care for them in the first place. This probably makes no sense to you all. The song Hate That I Love You depicts it really well.

I know that jealousy isn't a good thing, and you should be content with what you have. I know that better then anyone, but I can't avoid it always. I can tell myself that over and over again and still not make the feeling go away. And even if I succeed, it shows up in my dreams. I literally had a dream that I was at the wedding of someone I once (and maybe still do if he's showing up in my dreams) had feelings for. I literally sat through the entire wedding and watched him marry someone else. It was a reality check that it really would happen, and I would be jealous when it does. I'm eighteen years old worrying about the wedding of another person who probably won't be married for years now. You see why I made less worrying a new years resolution? It's pretty bad. In the words of Jasmine Villegas "J-e-a-l-o-u-s , boy I don't know how you got me acting like this".

Jealousy and lack of confidence go together as well. I don't think you can be jealous if you're confident that you are great enough to deserve something good. You can't be jealous if you're confident in the mantra "Good things come to those who wait" and know or at least have hope your day will come. So my new plan for working on jealousy (while I 'm awake at least)? I'm going to work on myself. Not transform myself for someone else , because that's always the wrong thing. Let me throw in some advice while we're on this rant. Never transform or degrade yourself for someone else no matter how much you like them. Do not give them the benefit of knowing they succeeded in hurting you. It's not worth your pride my friends. Anyways, back to working on yourself. I'll work on becoming secure in my self, decisions, and the direction my life is headed. Does that mean I still won't desire things I don't have? No. But it'll mean that I 'm working towards achieving different and even better things for myself. I'll be too busy to think about all those things.

song of the day : Over My Dead Body by Drake (One of my all time favorite songs by him. It's amazing)

quote of the day:   Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you're riding through the ruts. don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief, and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake up and Live! - Bob Marley

"I feel like the girl in the club who's been here too long, can't stand up!"

This is the first post of the new year. I feel the pressure to make it super awesome, so it represents all the amazing posts that are to come. I personally love the start of a new year. It's the only way you can be in the same place, with the same people and still have a fresh start. This year there were way more jokes about everyone that says "new year, new me" and doesn't actually stick with it. I don't think that's the worlds best mentality to have. People do have the capability to change. It can happen when you have the motivation to or just naturally in the growing up or older process. There's no need to just accept bad habits as being part of who you are. I personally have a few resolutions this year. I'll let you get a sneak peak at them :

1. Eat less, exercise more, and lose weight : Every one has this one. We live in a superficial society and that's not going to be changing any time soon. So if you can't beat them, join them.

2.  I'm trying to do more things for myself. I people please a little too much. I don't tell people when they make me absolutely angry and being too nice puts me into situations i'd rather not be in. I'm not saying my resolution is to be mean and selfish (even though that's how it's sounding). The goal is just to look out for my own best interest.

3. Getting deeper into my faith. Reading my d365s more often, soaking in the information instead of just hearing it, and being more active in youth groups and such.

4. Finding time to experiment with my interests/hobbies/talents. I'd like to get back into writing stories, song writing, and improve on my singing (through the church choir)

5. Let go and let God. No more worrying and anxiety over stupid stuff. If I want to talk to someone, I will. If I feel like dancing in the street, I will. I'm not going to over think about peoples feelings and opinions anymore. Those days are gone.

I brought in the new year experiencing something I never have before. I turned 18 a couple weeks ago, and NYE was my first time clubbing. I put on the sparkly dress, but honestly didn't feel that great in it. I got ready to the Notarized top music videos of 2012 (number one was N***** in Paris). All my friends met at my house in order to go on to whatever came next. Part of me felt a bit guilty about the entire clubbing thing, but I wasn't doing anything wrong. My parents knew I was going, I wasn't going to drink or anything, and you're only young once. I wanted to enjoy my youth and have  a good time.

The first club we went to was relatively empty and filled with not very classy types. We stayed for about fifteen minutes then left to check out the other club scenes. Since it was snowing, most of them were pretty empty. The ones we could get into at least. All the clubs downtown were 21+ and packed to the brim anyway. Long story short we ended up at a club that was a bit sketch. Lately there's been something kind of fun about sketch to me. We went in there under the motto a little rachet never hurt anybody. The club wasn't as special as the ones in movies, but it was alright. By the time the countdown happened, most people were dancing. The first thing I heard in the new year was "shake your a** girls, it's 2013. The cheers went a little like this "raise your glass if the one you love is incarcerated. Hang in there ladies, he's coming home this year". Obviously this isn't the place I should want to be if I don't want to end up as the lonely girl in the bar wearing a free *insert husbands name here* counting down the days to the next conjugal visit.

I wasn't trying to meet someone or anything, just have a little fun. I probably wouldn't have stayed as long if they weren't giving away an iPad at 2. By that time most everyone was cut off drinks and they were closing down the bar. One person threw a cup at another person, and before you know it the happy people turned into monsters. They started fighting and it was like that animal clip from Mean Girls. If you haven't scene it, here's the link. It was seriously like this. 

The guys who were fighting actually looked like Sean Paul and 2 chainz. When it was just those two, I was still going to wait out the fight and see if I won the iPad. When it turned into a dog eat dog world and came down to fight or flight, I ran for my life. They ended up turning on the lights and sending everyone home two hours early anyways.The whole thing was funny looking back at it now, but you won't catch me at that club again. No sir. It was definitely an exciting way to bring in the new year though.

Song of The Day : Refill by Elle Verner (why didn't I realize how good this song was last summer like everyone else did? I love it now!)

Quote of the day: Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy (motivation for you all serious about your resolutions like I am)