"Everythings adding up, you've been to hell and back, that's why your bad as eff and you know you are.."

It's kind of one of those days where I feel extremley single. I had these days a lot on posts from years past, but then I decided to keep them to myself just in case an extremely attractive basketball player wanted to make sure I wasn't lame, or so someone who didn't feel the same way couldn't portray me as desperate. Hiding my lame feelings kind of ruined the personal side of the blog. 2012 was  year where many found love. I got to see my first friend ever get married, which is undescribable. She was a beautiful bride, and they were the perfect little family.I also had the closest think to a long term relationship. No, I still haven't officially dated anyone or anything. Here's the story. I basically experienced Catfish, but less weird because I was aware of all the guys flaws a chose to talk to him anyway. He was about ten years older then me, and we met at my aunts pre-wedding party. He messaged me on facebook, and we started talking. I wasn't all that attracted to him, but I liked the fact that he liked me. We had some pretty good conversations and talked constatley for like 3 months. I guess at 3 months I was feeling more unfufilled. I knew that it would never work out, because we don't even live on the same continent. But the age difference, my feelings changing, and everything else started adding up, and I pretty much ended it. We don't really communicate anymore.

I thought that in college it would be really easy to meet someone since there are thousands of people. It really wasn't. I met a couple guys, literally a couple. They were nice, but I guess I just don't really know what to do. I'm not one who knows how to play "the game". I don't know how to like the right instagram post and say the right flirty things on twitter. I try to dress up, but I'm not a size two or even a size six. I can't blame anyone but myself. Most people are looking for the perfect person. Especially the people that I like. I can't tell you how many tweets on my timeline are about love for red-skinned girls, back dimples, blonds and a milllion other things i'm not. I'm not saying this out of bitterness or anger. I'm confident in myself and proud of the person I am. I finished my first semester of college with a 4.0 and not many people can say that. I've stuck by my religion despite the fact that most people my age stray to get more freedom. There are qualities about myself are something I'm proud of.

I recently heard the song by Neyo on the radio called Don't Make Em Like You. They talked about a girl that was pretty girl tipsy, got a college degree, and makes her mama proud. Drakes song Make Me Proud talks about a girl that "sound so smart, like you graduated college". That's the girl I want to be. But I want to be a little rachet to. I wouldn't mind being the girl from practice or Turn on the lights. You can be smart and fun....just saying. My older boy cousin is someone I always look to for advice when he's around anyways. I told him about my love life the past two years. I told him about how I humiliated myself in more ways then one and all the cheesy stories. After he heard everything, probably some details he'd rather not know of he came up with a brilliant conclusion. It goes that way "that guys a fool". It doesn't sound like magic now, but when we talked through the reasons why he came out the loser not me, it seemed to make sense. I know that I'm a girl with worth. If guys can't see that because I don't come with Nicki Minaj's butt and Kim's size two their the ones missing out not me. And lets be real, most of them are still single. They thought they could do better but obviously not. Which brings up Jojo in the Marvins Room remix I listnen to when I get in the why am I single, cry me a river "Baby i'm the best so you can't do better".

I don't really know what i'm trying to get out of this. Just putting some thoughts together. I probably sound like the lame girl I'm trying not to be. But apolagizing for how I feel is like saying sorry for being real. In case your wondering, the attitude is back. With a vengence.

song of the day: Make Me Proud - Drake

Quote of the day : Apologizing for how you feel is like saying sorry for being real. - a brilliant person on twitter