Year in Review: "There's never a wish better than this. When you only got 100 years to live"

The end of the year is a time when I become a little self absorbed. I start doing my year and review and trying to learn from mistakes as well as imprint the moments in my mind. This way when my grandbaby asks me what it was like to be 21 in 2016, I can answer with a clear mindset.

1. I started 2016 in a Gold sparkly dress. It wasn't silent, but it stood out and I think that the dress shaped my year. My twitter background was gold sequins, and I was really feeling it. I didn't want to sit by and watch life pass me by. I wanted to shine. Like each little piece of glitter on that gold dress.

2. I applied to a lot of programs and ultimately ended up back in pharmacy school at the University of Kansas. It was my dream, and I made it happen. Finished my semester with an okay GPA, but I'm not on academic probation. That's what matters. I put a lot of time into my sororities new members and their process. I feel like my GPA will improve when that stress has been taken away next semester.

3. Speaking of Delta, I became chapter president Fall '16. I got to travel to Wichita with Aneesah to experience her first regional conference. We planned Pizza and Politics as well as Delta week in the spring. The event I will always be most proud of is the Valiant Violets Banquet. I also really enjoyed planning Violets Against Violence and the Dear White People program. I was also extremely frustrated with the entire sorority thing at times. I had my feelings hurt by a lot of sorority sisters. I had to pick some over others. I pulled away from others at times. I finally found forgiveness towards the end of the year, but I still refuse to be disrespected or talked down to.

3b. There was the fun night in VIP with Chris Harris and the good Rho Eta Bruhz. Loved it. Most of the good moments were the ones without a majority of the people.

4. I attended a lot of really good services at Morning Star Church and drifted away from the episcopal church I grew up in a little. The services there were not speaking to my heart. I was also hurt by when I approached the preacher about raising money after my dear teachers passing, he denied us the opportunity. I got tired of singing songs that don't move me and waking up one hour early to do it. Both churches have ended up being a blessing to me. I look forward to continuing the new year at Morning Star Church though.

5. I took a spring break trip to Houston Texas with my sorority sisters that was god awful. This was at the peak of their everyone wants to be a cheater movement. It was gross and I did not enjoy it. We weren't in a hotel, and I'm bougie. The highlight of the trip was enjoying the Galveston beach with Breonna. There wasn't white sand or clear water, but I still loved the waves brushing up on me. The quote that matters is  "Life is a beach. I'm just playing in the sand" - Lil Wayne

6. I found my childhood poem. It warmed my own heart. "Love is something you can never give up. It's something you just now (know) and that it will go on for the rest of your life. And you now (know) you can never live without them, and you're really lucky if you have that. The end." <3 p="">
7. I met Mario Chalmers at the club. Ayyye.

8. My evil ex the omega man came back. I chased him once. We reconnected a couple times and it was weird. We're definitely not a match.

9. I attended the Big XII Conference on Black Student Government and it was amazing. I went to a lot of sessions that broadened my mind about social action and just life in general. We talked about how birds of a feather flock together. This lead to a discussion on the importance of surrounding yourself with people who have the same goal and are just as motivated as you. We did a discussion on the old and new Willie Lynch letter and how many current companies profited from slavery. We talked about the Black Livse Matter movement and police brutality. It was a beautiful part of my year. I even got to resume build and attend for free as catering chair.

10. Drake released VIEWS and it changed me. Rob Kardashian proposed to Blac Chyna, and she was indeed pregnant. They got their own spin off show that filled the void of Kim retreating from the public eye. Janet Jackson cancelled my concert, so she could have a baby of fifty years old. I'm happy for her, but sad for myself. Kobe Bryant played his last game. The baby fell in the cage and we got Harambe.

11. I got to be back stage at a Future concert again, because the Freebandz crew loves me. The KU Basketball team was also there. No big deal, but YES!! Big Deal. I also went to a Tinashe concert because Breonna wanted me to.

12. SUMMER SIXTEEN tour. No words. Just all love.

13. KCGP weekend. We stayed at a really nice hotel for a couple of days, and I loved it. There was fine dining. Lots of friends. I needed that weekend after everything that happened with bae of the year right before.

14. My mom and I are a lot closer. I love my mama. We took a trip to my cousin's wedding in Fayetteville, and I finally visited North Carolina. It was not at all what I envisioned. The first work I would use to describe it is dirty. I don't think life in the south is for me.

15. Went to the beautiful wedding in Seattle. Enjoyed every second of it. It was beautifully arranged and the bride and groom were so happy. It made me believe in love again. I also enjoyed spending time with family.

16. I went to see Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dog with Sarah, and Snoop did Drop it Like It's Hot which was amazing. I also really enjoyed Wiz Khalifa's Ass Drop performance. Jhene Aiko and Kevin Gates were there as well and I grew fonder of their movement. I don't want to remember how much smoke was involved. I have never been around that many people openly smoking an illegal substance. Thank goodness the concert was outside and none of the security team members were professionals.

17. I started watching Parenthood and it changed my life. Definitely one of those shows that makes a big impact on you. You really feel what the characters are going through and start to understand what life as a parent is like. I can't wait to be a mama someday. Still. Lets hope I'm not still saying I can't wait ten years from now and I actually am one.

17. I was able to reconnect with two of my old high school friends. It was great to know that the love is still there and they are two people I can count on. I was really excited to hear about all the progress they've made in the short period of time we hadn't been communicating.

18. I got to visit Atlanta with my family. Our first day of touring started at CNN Center. We got to take photos with the CNN sign and enter the dining area there. There were flags from all different countries and we could see the rooms where all the recording is done. We couldn't take a tour, because they were closed for the day. We also went to Coca-Cola World, the Jimmy Carter Center, and the Martin Luther King National Historic Site.

19. I met  a man who changed my world. CJIII. I don't know if next year will bring us closer together or force me to realize that our time has to come to an end at some point or another. I hope that it brings us closer together and he maintains a permanent place in my life. I think I love this man.

19. Me Before You became my favorite movie. I think I watched it 6-7 times this year, but it wasn't enough. I loved the soundtrack.

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away. This year to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special"

Where am I? I think the focus should be on there here and now. It is 12/22/2016 at 9:30 am. I am sitting at the front desk of the student housing office hoping no one emails or calls. It's three days before Christmas, and I'm still grumpy AF.

Education

It all started with a really tough finals week. I survived and got decent grades, but a lot of my finals were on the fine line of boosting me to a better grade. I was one point away from an A in my law & ethics course, and two points away from a B in pharmacology. I tried to act like I don't care and push it out of my mind, but it sucked.

Love 

In the last two months, I met two great guys. They weren't my usual sucky contenders. There was A who is a Kappa at a nearby school. We exchanged numbers then barely talked. He's still doing little things to continue expressing interest but interest without action is dead. That phrase can also apply to the man I'm in pharmacy school with that's the most logical contender. We are both in professional school, both black, and I have a connection of sorts to his mother. He's from California (where I can see myself living someday). But low and behold, I could not keep his attention. And I'm tired. I refuse to chase either one of them or give some pathetic speech about the qualities I have that they should appreciate.

I met a third guy through tinder who's not nearly as great. He just got out of an eight year relationship. He also lost all his money from the lifestyle him and this woman maintained. He's much older and has a pretty formal job, but no college education. He's interested in working towards certifications that will advance him in his career. His strong suits are definitely drive and vision. But he too sucks. He initially texted every day, but I should have known it wouldn't end well. We both wanted two very different things out of love and life. I expressed that I'm interested in a serious relationship and he expressed that he is not interested in that at the moment. We agreed to still enjoy each others company despite these differences, but I think it's coming to an end now.

My old work is ever present in my life. Over Thanksgiving break me and my Omega Boo went to the mall together for black Friday shopping. We started rebuilding our friendship when I wished him a Happy Founders Day in November. I have to look back at old texts to see how this really happened and we ended up in the same room again. (20 seconds later...) Found it! He had invited me to go out to a VIP club event the night of Thanksgiving with him and his line brother. I agreed to go, because my mother, brother, and father had to work most of Thanksgiving this year. Since he couldn't go home to be with his family, it seemed perfect. His line brother didn't end up having the event he had told us about, so we spoke the next morning. Hanging out was still something we both wanted to do. I told him I was going to the mall and asked if he wanted to come with. That's when he told me that he no longer has a car. I expect these kind of tragedies from him, because the poor guy can't seem to get a break.

When I arrived, he got in the car and we started catching up bit by bit. He ended up getting evicted from his previous home. The home was under his name, so it negatively effected his credit. He bought a bike after not having a car, then ended up getting in a bike accident the day of his Founder's Day. The bike no longer works and all he got from the guy was $20.00. It was a lot of unfortunate events, but he's used to this lifestyle. It didn't seem to phase him too much. At least not in front of me. We walked into a lot of different stores. He bought us popcorn from topsy's. The whole time I couldn't tell if it was a date or not. At the end he made it clear and DTR'd. He wanted to get five guys before we left. The cashier assumed we were together and tried to take my order immediately after his. He acted like he was going to pay then gave me a weird look (so weird that I can't describe it. It wasn't being sheepish. It wasn't rude. It was just weird, but I can still see it in me head). He followed up by stating that I was just going to "make him pay" even though we're just friends. I hate poor mentalities. My pockets were nearly empty, but I wasn't going to let him get away with feeling used or taken advantage of. I gave him the money he asked for and the rest of the evening was awkward. We argued a lot about my driving and he irritated me. He ended up getting out of the car quickly and not inviting me up. We small talked for a couple days after, but that was that. We just continue confirming the fact that we don't belong together.

While we're still talking about irrelevant people, my rebound Haitian guy from this summer found love in the sun. After being MIA for months, he posted his WCW. She's a drop dead gorgeous light skinned girl. It shouldn't have hurt me, but it did. I know I'm not like that girl appearance wise and he upgraded me. Ugh.

Finally the man that means love to me. The one that made the most significant impact of the year. The one that I want. I waited all December 16th for my birthday wish from him. It was the one person who really mattered. Midnight found me at the movie theater watching Collateral Beauty starring Will Smith and the surprisingly funny Helen Mirren. I checked my phone soon after and there was no message from the one that matters. I did the most for his birthday. I attempted to send a card from here to Afghanistan and it didn't make it in time. In fact, I'm pretty sure it got lost in the mail or withheld from him. Anyways, the point is that I worked really hard to acknowledge his birthday and make him feel special. Then he went and missed mine. This is the perfect expression of my problems in love and life. I work so hard and try to make things perfect for people who never cared in the first place. Above and beyond translates to "you're doing too much" , and I never receive the same treatment in return. I try to remind myself that I wasn't doing it for anything in return, but am I so wrong for wanting him to love me that way I love him? Just this once or maybe for a lifetime.

He ended up wishing me a happy birthday three days after my actual birthday. That sparked the beginning of a conversation that's still going now. Here's to hoping it never dies. I want him so bad. I could go on and on about why I like him or why he matters. But I don't want to jinx it. I also don't believe that him and I will be together. I feel like I'm just a place holder until he finds a model type woman like my Haitian guy did.

I'm also sick and tired of this girl who just got in her first relationship continuously posting about how great it is and sending out advice like she wasn't in the same shoes a year ago.  It's an additional, unnecessary downer.

Body

I just had a piece of skin removed from my chest. It's getting tested, and I'm praying that it's no big deal. Hopefully the testing will give them a good mechanism for treating it. So I can finally be free of how uncomfortable its made me. 

I also gained 20 pounds since July. All I can say is I hate me. 

Song of the day : Last Christmas 

Quote of the day : "Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."

Top Songs of 2016

1. Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin : In my head, starting off the list with this song is controversial. It was not released in 2016, and it's a gospel song. This forces me to assume that a majority of people really don't know this song. But this song defined my year. I started to imagine myself and what I could be. This song lead to many tears and many moments of empowerment. It was my go to song. It speaks for itself : "Imagine me being strong and not letting people break me down, you won't get my joy this time around". I fought to keep my joy this year despite obstacles and people who attempted to take it from me.

2. Sunday Candy by Chance the Rapper : It was Chance's year musically and outside of the music industry. I get chills thinking about him marching all those black people from inner city Chicago to the polls for one of the most important elections of our time.  The song is not technically by Chance the Rapper. It's by a group coined Donnie Trumpet & The Social Experiment. I loved that he didn't force publicity and accreditation for this work. He's an individual whose talent moves mountains. The hook "You gotta move slowly. Take and eat my body like it's holy. I've been waiting for you for this whole week. I've been praying for you, you're my Sunday candy"

3. Too Good by Drake ft. Rihanna: In 2016, I fell in love. Just one time with one man and this song explained the struggles of dating in our century. The two artists together were magic. If Chance was the artist of the year, then Drake and Rihanna were the couple of the year. They were beautiful together musically and aesthetically. I had the pleasure of going to the Summer 16 Tour and seeing this song as well as many others performed live. Definitely one of my best memories of the year.

4. Work by Rihanna ft. Drake : When this song came in at the club I was lit. The Jamaican vibes were everything and everyone wanted to show that their hips don't lie. The fondest memory I have dancing to this song was either at the wedding I attending in Seattle or after celebrating one of my sorority sisters birthdays at the Cave. Play it, and I promise i'll start dancing. Even if it's just a little bit.

5. Sorry by Beyonce : "So what will you say at my funeral now that you've killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead. Rest in peace, my true love, who I took for granted... Her heaven will be a love without betrayal. Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks". Does anything else need to be said? It couldn't be more raw and real. Add the visuals and Serena Williams and it's done. I didn't buy it, because I'm petty and haven't been supporting Beyonce for awhile now. But even I couldn't ignore Lemonade.

6. Redemption by Drake : Speaking of raw, Redemption. This piece was absolutely beautiful. Classic drake took the words straight from my heart and the hearts of this generation. "Please give me time, cause I'm searching for these words to say to you", "Not having closure it takes a lot out of me. This year for Christmas, I just want apologies", "I gave your nickname to someone else", "I miss the feeling of you missing me". I felt all these things so many times this year and of course Drake felt them too. Anyone who claims Drake was not involved in the artistry of VIEWS should listen to this song and shut up, because no one else makes music like this.

7. No Problems by Chance the Rapper ft. Lil Wayne & 2 Chainz) : Like I said, it's Chance's year. This song was fun in all settings. I sang along to it more times than I can count in the car and everyone got hype when they played it at brothers. Lil Wayne was featured on the hit and it makes so much sense. He's had problems with Young Money for quite awhile now, so it was clear his verse came from the heart. It was also nice to hear from the Weezy F. Baby after a loooooong time.


8. For Free by DJ Khalid ft. Drake : The beats on this DJ Khalid album was crazy. He got famous for his crazy snapchats and I can honestly say that I didn't watch a single one. "Major Key" and "They didn't what him to (   ) , but he did it anyway" will be phrases that really stick out about this year. He made an impact and it was a great dancing song. I was clearly into shaking my butt allllllllll summer sixteen.

9. Controlla by Drake : I tried to keep this from becoming a Drake list, but I don't know how not to. Putting luv in front of Controlla would be a crime against humanity. Making it number nine is a crime against humanity. Putting it after for free is a crime against humanity. Maybe I should just push it up to number one. Ahhh.

10. Luv by Tory Lanez : 2016 was just the year of Jamaican vibes. That's all I was really listening to. This song was the perfect fit for that vibe.

11. Come and See Me by Drake ft. PARTYNEXTDOOR : This was the year that I finally got into partnextdoor. I knew his name and knew that he was signed to OVO. I understood that he was soulful and understood love and heartbreak. This is the song from the album that stood out the most. "Things change, people change, feelings change too. Never thought the circumstances would have changed you".

12. Exchange by Bryson Tiller : This years love songs were just so real. This is another one that hits home and really describes our generation. That's part of the reason I hated it. Bryson is praying "Lord, please save her for me" and saying "I hope she's waiting for me". She shouldn't have to wait for you. You should just man up and be what she needs.

13. All on You by Nick Fradiani : I have been looking for this sound for quite some time. It's sort of a mix between an Ed Sheeran sound and a boy band sound. Not too slow. Enthusiastic guitar. If this genre were a person, it would be Nick Jonas. While the songs he released about "put some bacon on it" were far from good, this ones a hit. The blame really should be placed on the other person when all you wanted to do was love them. #BitterNewNick&ITogether

14. Unsteady by X Ambassadors : This song was so beautiful that I'm listening to it for the millionth time this year and still getting shivers. I heard it for the first time at Encore (the Free State High School pop music extravaganza). It was a trio who sang it beautifully, but I didn't bother to look it up after. Then this song appeared on the trailer for the best. movie. ever. aka Me Before You.

15. Cold Water by Justin Bieber : I completed the initial list without this piece and it was crazy. I don't know where my head was. But this song is so good that I'm willing to take the time to renumber all the other pieces in the list. You're welcome.

16. Not Nice by PARTYNEXTDOOR : Another Jamaican hit. Loved it!

17. Black Beatles by Rae Sremmurd : At one point this fall, everyone did the mannequin challenge. It was relevant enough that this song had to make the top 15. It's a rap hit. Definitely doesn't pull at our emotional strings at all, but the beat and everything else that went into the song makes it irresistible and impossible not to sing along to.

18. I Hate You, I Love You by gnash. One line completely sums up my love for this song "I'm always tired but never of you".

19. Better Man by Little Big Town : The words for this song were written by Taylor Swift and it's beautiful. It just really hits home for me. I hope it's not one of those songs I appreciate for five minutes. But I'm sure everyone can relate wishing that special guy was a better man. More worthy of the title and love that you pour into them. I hope 2017 is better on this end and the men are up to par.

20. Closer by the Chainsmokers : I learned half the lyrics to this song incorrectly, but it topped the charts for weeks and weeks. "We ain't never getting older" just means so much more than it used to. At 22 I realize that the youthful days of clubbing and that kind of thing are slowly ending. Suddenly I'm not the youngest woman in the room anymore. It's weird. This song just describes the desire to be young, wild, and free well.

21. Rather Be by Clean Bandit : This was one of my favorite pop singles of the year. It kind of gave me EDM vibes, but I didn't mind it. The chorus makes you just want to start jumping up and down.The words hit home too.

22. Caroline by Anime : When I was walking to school feeling cute, the song that I wanted to set the mood was Caroline. It just makes you feel like a "bad thing. fine as hell". No ones on your level. I think of it as a runway song. You can twirl, it has a slow beat, and a guy I very briefly talked to used it for his women in stroll like a kappa.

23. Budapest by George Ezra : I really liked this song. I have no idea other black people considered it weird until I played it at a sorority event. The room felt so uncomfortable and our big, jerk of an adviser kept making fun of it. She pleaded with me to "change the station" play some "normal" music and in that moments she broke my heart. Because Budapest is normal, and you can't bury me in the same box that you reside in.

24. Cheap Thrills by Sia ft. Sean Paul  : I said it three times, but i'll say it again, Caribbean vibes ruled 2016. & Sean Paul made a comeback!!!

25. Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes : Y'all are tired of hearing me talk about how heartbroken I was the entire second half of 2016. Listen to the song. You'll get it.

26. Wicked by Future : I loved this song every time I went out. I just couldn't figure out what Future was saying. I thought it was more of a sound effect like "wao wao wao wao way", but it was actually Wicked the entire time. I got to hear it live two times, because I got it like that. The first time was exclusively back stage with the KU Basketball team. I told you I got it like that.


Top Country Songs of MY Year : 
1. Amen by Hunter Hayes
2. A Little Bit Stronger by Sarah Evans
3. Perfect Storm by Brad Paisley : "She's so complicated that's the way God made her. Sunshine mixed with a little hurricane". Me. Me. Me. Brad may be singing about his wife, but he was probably singing about me.
4. She's Everything by Brad Paisley : I got on this Brad Paisley kick after getting to see him live in concert at the football stadium. I went all by my lonesome. It wasn't as fun as it could have been if I wasn't by myself, but I learned to be more independent.
5. Break Up In a Small Town by Sam Hunt : He knows our lives! This is really what it's like in a small town.
6. Ordinary Girl by Hannah Montana : Discovered this song when studying with a friend who is no longer in pharmacy school. I feel like an ordinary goal a majority of the time and she got it so right. A quote, so you know where I'm coming from.
7. Somebody Like You by Kieth Urban : I love it! I love it! I love it!

"Sometimes I'm lazy, I get bored. I get scarred; I feel ignored. I feel happy, I get silly. I choke on my own words. I have wishes. I have dreams and I still want to believe : anything can happen in this world for an ordinary girl"

Honorable Mention That's Not Country 

1. Que Sera Sera by Doris Day : My mama suggested this song to me at just the right song. I have a whole blog post about the importance of it.

2. Can't Keep My Eyes Off You by Lauren Hill : People love her and I never really got thought about her past Sister Act 2. But this song was beautiful. In love with this version. It was suggested by my work family.

3. Unpretty by TLC : This song was a suggestion from my soror for our Valient Violets banquet. It was one of my greatest achievements in the sorority. I was beyond proud of it and this song motivated me during that time. Helped me build my confidence.

"You Had My Attention; It Was All On You"

Dear Moose,

I always have the urge to write a letter after a relationship ends. Especially when it ends the way the one between you and I did. There were no goodbyes and no explanations. I was left with my thoughts unheard and my feelings unreciprocated. I didn't get to speak on what was on my heart. I didn't get to speak on what I hoped for you and I. I didn't get to say anything and that really hurts me. It hurts me that you chose to block me instead of deal with our issues. Was it really that hard to tell me the truth? All I wanted was for you to be honest. You didn't need to be perfect or even close to it. You just needed to show me who you really are, so I could decide weather or not you were worth it. If it makes a difference, I did think you were worth it. You lied to me and broke me in more ways than one. But I never planned on leaving you. I didn't think it was the end. I thought that you were actually going to call me back. I might have even been weak enough to apologize to you when you called. For how passionate I sounded and how I accused you without letting you explain everything for yourself.

You leaving gave me time tot think and see the light. I don't have anything to feel bad about. You lied to me not the other way around. I didn't need to let you explain, because you proved what I always knew was the truth deep down inside. You lie a lot. If I can't trust you, then what you say doesn't matter anyways. I didn't give you an opportunity to explain yourself, because that would have just been giving you an opportunity to lie to me again. I can tell you what I am sorry about though. I'm sorry I'm not like her. I'm sorry I don't know about all the women in your life an just shrug it off. I don't know how to blame things on being young. Because I don't think being young is an excuse to hurt other people. What you don't realize is emotionally hurting someone can hurt more than a slap ever will. You didn't beat me, but you still broke me.

How did you break me you ask? I'm happy to tell you. You broke me by making me think that there was something wrong with me. That I wasn't worth leaving the other women in your life for. That  I didn't deserve to ask these things of you if I wasn't having sex with you. You made me questions weather I was wrong for sharing my feelings. You made me question weather my feeling were wrong. You made me question my past relationships. Were they lying to me too? Have I been delusional this whole time? You made me fell bad for not trusting you when you knew that you were lying all along. You made me feel bad for feeling so strongly about you after such a short amount of time. We're dating in 2016. Two months means nothing. I "shouldn't" have felt as strongly as I did, but I did. I don't know how to feel bad about that.

One night when we were on the phone saying goodbyes and you kept saying "and" , "and", "and" prompting me to say more to you, I thought you wanted me to tell you that I love you. I even kind of wanted to say the words myself. We talked so much about so many things. It was really easy for me to open up to you. We had a connection I've never experienced with anyone before, because you're African too. You know my culture. The side of me that people fail to recognize. I felt like you saw all of me. Because I was being honest. Because I was letting you see all of me. When you talked about your football player sons, I pictured having them for you. I pictured our life together. In California. I get that these were all things I did. You didn't ask me to and you definitely didn't encourage me to get too carried away.

I have learned a lot from you. I have learned that I can't keep accepting mediocracy when I know that what I want is true love. I learned that I can't give second, third, and fourth chances. If someone shows signs of bad character traits, I can't ignore them. I can't be blindsided when you were showing me who you were the entire time. You didn't want something real. Not with me. I chose not to see that, but I now I know. I got the message loud and clear.

This whole experience has motivated me to stop dating. I've given it a good year and a half of trying. I've tried dating all kind of men in all kinds of different ways. It hasn't worked out. I've been left emptier than I was before. So I'm going to take a couple months to fill myself. I am a complete person without a partner in life. If I never find love, I won't have a heart attack and die. I will more than survive. I will strive. I can love myself. I can also get inseminated. It's the twenty first century, and I'm a strong, independent black women who doesn't NEED a man. Especially one who wants to waste my time or tell more lies than truth. I don't need a man that makes me feel difficult or crazy. I need one that sees that I'm made of sunshine and a little bit of hurricane. Someone who has love that they can't wait to give a good girl like me. Not because I have nice boobs (which I do) or because I'm smart and motivated. Because he sees every little imperfection and realizes that those make me who I am. I need a man who's never going to give up. Who's never just going to walk away the way you did. Because I deserve better. I know that now.

My final parting words are life advice. Be a good person. Despite what your parents may have taught you, nice people don't always finish last. They win by being proud of who they are within. Find some new role models. Young Thug and drug dealers definitely aren't goals. All those people are nothing when the flashy things go away. There's more to life than stacks of money, jimmy choo's, and Versace t-shirts. Stop doing drugs. They are bad for you. They cause call kinds of terrible diseases and mess with your mind. Your brain is the most important organ in your body. It is necessary for everything that you do. Don't mess it up over good times and stress relief. Stay blessed and beautiful. You may have shut all doors, but I didn't. If you ever need anything (someone to listen, a shoulder to cry on), I'm here as a friend that wants nothing but the best for you.

With Love,
MAA

"You Hit Me With "I Know You're There With Someone Else". That Pussy Knows Me Better Than I Know Myself"

I'm going to start this post by saying Shit Happens. Especially when it's me on this search for love I've been obsessed with my whole life. Let me remind you of my second grade poem (editing corrected) : "Love is something you can never give up. It's something you just know and that it will go on for the rest of your life. And you know you can never live without them and your really lucky if yo have that. The end." I've wanted it for so long! I try to find love in every man I get to know and maybe I'm wrong for doing that. Maybe it puts too much pressure on them. Maybe it makes me let the wrong guys get away with too much, because I'm hoping that even with their flaws they can find a way to love me. After pretty much exactly two months, the moose ghosted on me. He blocked me on his phone, twitter, snapchat, and instagram. All at once with no kind of warning what so ever.

Two nights before he disappeared he gave me a beautiful speech about how you're supposed to go in blind when it comes to love. You're not supposed to protect yourself from hurt. You're supposed to let yourself feel and try to see the best in the person. The entire time we were talking I was searching for his lies. To be fair there were many of them. He had a girlfriend. Every time I asked if he had one, he said no. Then I finally admitted that I knew he had one from twitter. The girl posts about him. He forced her to make her page private and brushed it off as nothing. He kept telling me to "chill". What he didn't know was it wasn't over, because I can see her on instagram. So I brought it up again, and he said that they were together but not really. He was only with her for the perks that she provides. He said that she was related to the vice provost of the school who helped him with a situation he faced there. He told me she was really well off and drove a Range Rover and an Audi 6. I believed him. I felt that it was wrong to use a woman for what she had, but he made her the enemy. You make someone dislike someone by making them less human. It's what Hitler did and what he did as well. He convinced me that she wasn't like us. That she was rich and spoiled and it didn't matter that he was using her. He said that they don't spend a lot of time with one another. Blah blah blah.

The secrets lied in her instagram. She definitely didn't look like a rich girl to me, but I didn't dwell on it until the second time my best friend came to see me. She pointed out that the pictures of the girls room looked basic AF. I'm not a rich girl, but I sleep on a bed with a headboard. I have a night stand, desk, and dresser. All four match. She had none of the above. He said she drove a Range Rover, but when she posted her view there was a van. Monday night during the nice conversation we had, I asked him who he went to Texas Roadhouse and got pedicures with. I knew that it was her. He wouldn't admit it. He said he got pedicures with EJ who also needs them, because they both play basketball again. He claimed to go out to eat with friends to. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't. I told him exactly why I couldn't. His snaps never have people in them. How suspicious is that? He also was talking about how broke he was. Probably because he paid for all of this days festivities for him and bae. I still chose to believe him. To truly believe him.

 Woke up the next morning and sent him a text that said "Good Morning use. I woke up thinking about you and our conversation, and I Want you to know that I do trust you. I really amy willing to give it my all and go in blind, because I really want to feel everything that I feel for you. I hope you have a really really really really really great Monday". All he said back was "I like your style". That's when I should have known. That's not enough. I said something beautiful and he sent back one line and a smiley face emoji. Red flags people. Red flags. I still felt okay about it. Until I went to shawty's instagram again. She posted photos of him and her mother at Texas Roadhouse. She followed that post up with a national boyfriends post. In the post she thanked him for watching her dog (who he told me was his roommates even though I knew better), and all the delicious meals he's been making her. The meals that I've been helping him cook! I felt betrayed. The snaps he was sending me, he was sending her too. It was too much. I had just decided to open up and give him all of me, and I realized the person I wanted to do all of this for is a lier. I told him I lied and he said I was over reacting. I also sent him a great Omarion Ice Box Emoji that I'm really proud of. He asked if we could talk about this so we did.

I told him everything I felt. All my emotions were on the table. I told him he lied and he kept asking what he lied about. I told him that he was only asking, so he would't accidently reveal other things he had lied about, because he's a liar. His defense was that he didn't lie he just "omitted information". In that moment it just sounded like blah blah blah to me. As I told my story and asked him to answer certain things, it was becoming obvious that a lot of what he'd said to me about other women was a lie. During this conversation, he interacted with another women that complemented his cooking skills and mentioned his girlfriend. I asked him what that last line she said was and he refused to answer, because he knew it was about his girlfriend. He said that I was antagonizing him, and it wasn't fair because he didn't have anything on me. That's when I realized he didn't have anything on me because I'M A GOOD PERSON! Unlike most people, I can be an open book. Nothing to hide.

I guess part of what really hurt me was that he was going to dinner with her mom. That's a big deal. Only serious boyfriends meet parents. I've never introduced my mother to a man. None of the ones in my life have been worthy of her presence if we're being honest. He said that it was no big deal. That american girls are different. They always introduce men to their families. Even if they're just friends. I guess what he failed to realize is that I'm an American girl too. I know what American girls do.That's not it. He asked if I had guy friends and I said I didn't. That's the truth. None that know my family and are close to me on a personal level. He said I was antagonizing him and he couldn't finish this conversation. I said I thought it was important to have the conversation when we were both vulnerable. He asked if I was breaking up with him. I said of course not. How could I go from wanting to grow in our relationship to wanting to break up. He asked what the point of this conversation was then (as if he wasn't the one who asked to talk about it). I told him that I just wanted him to know that I was hurt, and he said that he knew that. He could feel my hurt from all the way in Washington. That line meant something to me. I'm glad he acknowledged it. He then told me that we were going to finish this conversation later and hung up. I personally believe he had to hung out because it was national boyfriend day and he had an appointment to get some booty *Blacc Chyna voice*. I texted hm saying I wasn't rushing him to finish the conversation, but I was going to bed. That message went through but he did all the blocking at some point after that.

Being the pathetic girl I am, I still found a way to reach out to him. He called it "when ghosting goes wrong". It was so simple and a joke to him, but it broke me. I ended by telling him Kila la heri and he said "you too Mariam". So ends the story of him and I. It's over. People always leave. Correction: people always leave me. But you already knew that didn't you.

Song of the day : Faithful by Drake (ft. dvsn)

Quote of the day: Graceful exits are possible. Not everything has to be a tornado. Let go of people in silence and be appreciative of what you had.

2016 Break Up Playlist

I don't know what the theme of 2016 would be. It could be "Love like I've never known it Before", because I finally got to go on dates and have deeper connections with men who were at least semi-serious about me. It could also be "Heartbreak: over and over and over and over agaiiiiin" *dvsn voice*. With trying to find love comes finding heartbreak, and I am so grateful for the music that got me through it. Here it all is. In no particular order. 

1. A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans

2. Hold on to Me by X Ambassadors

3. Somebody's Heartbreak by Hunter Hayes

4. Break up in a Small Town by Sam Hunt

5. Too Good by Drake

6. Redemption by Drake 

7. Water Under the Bridge by Adele

8. Someone Like You by Adele

9. Rolling in the Deep by Adele (the seven stages of grief are real, and anger is especially real for me).

10. All on you by Nick Fradiani

11. I hate u, I love u by Gnash

12. Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes

13. Rather Be by Clean Bandit "If you gave me a shot, I would take it. It's a shot in the dark, but I'd make it" (Why didn't he give me another chance? Why did he give up on what we had?)

14. I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann W. (Don't let no hell bent heart leave you bitter. When you feel like giving up, reconsider)

15. Ordinary Girl by Hannah Montana 

16. Karaoke by Drake

17. He Wasn't Man Enough by Toni Braxton (Wish I could see her in concert tonight!!)

18. Sorry by Beyonce 

19. Sex With You by Rihanna

20. Cups (When I'm Gone) by Pitch Perfect Cast

21. What Can I Say by Carrie Underwood (this one hit home. More than any of the others)

22. Not Nice by PARTYNEXTDOOR

23. Try by Colbie Callout

24. Love Yourself by Justin Bieber 

These are the songs on rotation right now. Getting me through it. I'll be alright. 

Quote of the day: "Graceful exits are possible. Not every ending has to be a tornado. Let go of people in silence and be appreciative of what you had". 

"I Don't Wanna Take This Life For Granted Like I Used To Do. I Wanna Love Somebody; Love Somebody Like You"

Dear Kitty (If you caught the Anne Frank reference, you're the real MVP),

I fell in love again, and I didn't tell you. This time it was kept a secret, because I was pretty focused on school. When I wasn't in school, I was constantly communication with this man (lets call him Moose). I met him a year ago in Cali. We got to spend some one on one time together, because we were both under 21 and couldn't go to the bar with everyone else. We had a nice conversation, but I didn't really see it becoming anything more than it was. I assumed that all three men were going to fall for one of my best friends. She's drop dead gorgeous and a black guy magnet, so it was just a matter of time. I can't think of this encounter without that "black men love group sex" joke. Most memorable part of the whole experience. Fast forward about six months later and the moose is in my DMS. It was pretty casual, but he sent kissy faces. That caught my attention. I realized he saw me as more than a long lost encounter and was trying to see where it went. We eventually moved out of DMs and on to text messages after a message from him stating "A n---- don't have unlimited data" or something similar to that. So then we were texting. The conversation came to an end when I went to bed and he went to a party. That was that.

Fast forward another 6+ months. My father helped true love persevere. A friend of my fathers brought a friend of his to ask him a question when he was visiting Seattle. The guy told a story of how he was a single father in love with a women. This women's parents did not want him to marry her, but he had nothing but good intentions. He didn't want to know life without her and was willing to remain with her unmarried if that was the only option. Nothing was going to keep them apart (I am probably making this way more romantic than this actually was). The father of this beautiful girl was a guy that my dad grew up with. So he offered to go talk to him to see if he could help in some way or another. The conversation with the young maiden's father went well, and he agreed to let his daughter marry the lover boy. She invited our whole family to the wedding and said she wanted my dad right next to her father when she gets married. The young maiden happened to be the moose's cousin. So I knew that I would see the moose once again.

Fast forward to the wedding weekend. I got to wear three beautiful dresses and the celebration was unforgettable. Beautiful decor. I loved the table set up each of the days. The bride and group walking in to You're Still the One by Shania Twain, and I loved that too. It was great! Towards the end of he wedding, the DJ started playing American Music. Work, Controlla, and One Dance back to back. Despite the fact my unbelievable tall heels were killing me, I had to dance because Drake is bae. I love him. This was a week after I had experienced the magic that is the Summer Sixteen Tour, so I was hype. Mariam and I danced. He was dancing with his cousin and strategically made his way over to me. Next thing you know him and I were dancing. Next thing you know, I was semi-twerking on him. God only knows how long it lasted, because I was really nervous about my family. Eventually I turned around and acted like a respectable African Girl again. But it happened. So I'm desperately awaiting the video to see it. I saw him the next day at the lunch. He claims that he didn't see me. We didn't talk and I shot him a text that said "It was really good seeing you again" and he said "It was good seeing you too Mariam". This is probably where it should have ended, but of course it didn't.

I thought of him as I was happily touring Seattle. We went to the aquarium, beach from, Seattle Eye, China Town, Lake Washington, Underground Tour and so many other cool tourist places. Mariam and I spent most of our days out and about. I also enjoyed delicious African food cooked by my aunty Samia. Yum yum. We flew home on a thursday and our uncle happened to be on the same flight with his son. We all rode home together, and on the car ride back I text my moose. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it sparked a conversation. A conversation that went on for two straight months with the exception of 1-2 days total. We talked about everything. Our culture, our families, our majors, our academic experiences, our romantic experiences. When we talked about Drake and he could say the lyrics back to me so easily my heart was happy. When he sent me a beautiful playlist that Ed Sheeran made an appearance on, my heart was even happier. When he told me that when I See him, he could sing the entire 1989 album to me, I was ready to Thank God for helping me find my soulmate. Music is a big part of my life and an even bigger part of his life, so it was nice having someone to share these conversations with. He despised my country music, but who doesn't?

Though most of what he shared with me was good, there was a decent amount of bad too. Drug use and lots of women. But it didn't matter, because I felt that he was worth going through it for. I know it sounds stupid, but I was lost in a fairytale. The fact that it would be four years before we could even possibly live in the same city, and stood no chance of getting a physical connection didn't stop me. I still have this fairytale idea that love conquers all. I knew that if it was meant to be, it would be. It's been a long time since I have connected with a guy the way I connected with Moose. I may have never had that kind of connection to be honest. That all day every day on my mind. You're the first person I want to tell everything to kind of like. In the club snapping and texting you, because no one else could get my attention even if I tried. Only dressing up to snap you kind of like. I was in deep. It was real. I dove in head first and enjoyed everything we had while we had it. I wish I could tell you that this story ended in my happily ever after (finally), but it didn't. Stay tuned for the sad finale.

Song of the day: Somebody Like You by Keith Urban

Quote: "Stop being afraid to feel. The best feelings in life come organically. Something you aren't in control of. Trying to be numb is a waste of time"