"Take me or leave me. I'll never be perfect; Believe me I'm worth it. So take me or leave me"

This isn't how I pictured it. My senior year of high school I mean. Well the last four years haven't really gone as planned. I'm not saying it's better or worse, but i'm saying I never saw it coming. In the past four years I've done some things that 8th grade girl from Central Jr. High School could have only dreamed of. I had some really special moments that the average girl from kansas doesn't get to experience. I had the joy of seeing my favorite artists live which means more to me then it does to the average person. The concerts were like a spiritual thing, exactly what I needed to keep going and to feel alive again. I went to some really cool places. I crossed the American/Canadian border, took a road trip with our friends that became less friends and more family, joined a girl scout troop that gave me the opportunity to see people I looked down on in the past in a different light, and so many more things I can't even being to describe.

Heres the problem. Very few of those moments happened through high school or because of it. I'm in love with the show One Tree Hill and the whole show is built around the love of people you get in high school. There are only 28 days left (yes, i'm counting), and I still don't feel very close to a majority of my senior class. I think it has to do with going to a big school where everyone has different personalities. I did build some pretty good high school friendships. Or...I thought I did.

Today at lunch just completely threw me off. I was saying something that might have seemed like a small deal, but I was opening up to someone about something that I felt and they just totally made me feel like crap about it. I simply mentioned something that was on my mind to a friend, and they just reacted so badly. What they were doing was trying to make me feel pathetic for what i said. Someone who I was starting to consider one of my closest friends treated me like crap. I realized maybe i'm not as close to some of these people as I thought. The thing about me is a move on, but I don't ever forget. Its the little things like that that makes the difference between a friend and a best friend or even just a great one. Another thing that bugs me is that everyday they all leave together, and they'll just leave me there. They won't look back or even notice that i'm not with them. Sometimes I don't go with them on perfect. I've never been a girl to need anyone or anything that doesn't need me.

I put up with a lot of shit, but I try to be the better person. I don't bring it up or anything, but when it comes to the people in my head that I know I can always turn to some just don't make the cut. But there are friends who are really good to me. I would name them if it wouldn't be so rude. Those are the girls that i've always had stuff in common with. I don't see them all the time, but they've made me feel less alone during this whole high school thing and I owe them a big thank you between now and then. Despite the party poopers who refuse to get excited about anything, there are the girls that cared about prom, fashion, cute basketball boys, and everything that makes me me. Those are the friendships I want to continue.

Maybe i'm just upset and will change my mind soon and rebuild some of the friendships with friends that are getting weird, but the fact that after six years of friendships the fact that I can't tell them when i'm upset and they don't even catch on says something.

I can never keep these short. I guess thats where I am right now.

song of the day: Marilyn Monroe - Nicki Minaj

quote of the day: "I asked God to protect me from my enemies and I started losing friends"