"Well i've been afraid of changes cause I built my life around you. Time makes you bolder, children get older and i'm getting older too"

Before I start complaining, I want to be clear that I have a good life. I love my family and my friends like 80% of the time. But its that 20% of the time that keeps me coming here, because I have no where else to really let out my anger and frustrations. My best friend is a world away; I can't really go to my parents about everything; and some of my other friends just don't care... I'm not trying to be dramatic. It's true! Today I was having a really rough day. I did terrible on a Calculus test I needed to do good on and was genuinely concerned about my grade. For once in my life, I didn't feel like pretending to be happy. I was upset. One of my friend asked how my day was going, so I told them the truth. That it was going terribly and blah blah about the test. You know what they said? "Well...good luck with that" and walked away. That kind of just made me more pissed off. If you've known me for the last half a decade, can't you give me something better then that? Am I crazy for wanting more then that? The thing is this isn't a person I felt comfortable being like "thanks for nothing" to.

Maybe I think of things weirdly, but I feel like real friends are the ones you can tell anything. If I can tell you your outfits ugly, and the move you just made is stupid then I feel like we're close. To me it means that I love you enough to tell you the truth even if that isn't what you want to hear. Most people in my life are very sensitive to the truth. When I express the truth to them, they're just silent. This whole prom thing has made a takeover. I got a purple dress and beautiful cinderella shoes that i'm in love with. Their silver and glittery all over. They make me feel great. But back to the main topic. One of my friends and I are in charge of getting the group together and renting a party bus. To our defense, we wanted to plan it. In my mind, this means someone else would step up and get a reservation at a restaurant and set up some other things. Everyone with their fair share right? Nope. I told two girls in choir that I had done my fair share and they should step it up and find a place for us to go to dinner. They just stood silent and stared at me. Isn't that the reaction we all want? Can you see why I'm so frustrated?

Some of my friends are wonderful. I went to a party with two of them just the other night and we had a great time and totally cliqued and understood each other. Its just not like that with everyone. The year is almost coming to an end and a lot of us will be seperated. BUT the good news is that most of the people i'm really close to are staying here in the midwestish region. We'll still get to meet up and hang out.

The last thing I need to complain about is encore. After that I promise I'm done. The show was great this year and I was in Firework and New Soul. The songs went very well. But it was the other stuff that just made me feel like crap every single day. Some of the people involved were just so good and singing and had such cute clothes and were so pretty that I felt bad about myself. I wondered why I couldn't be like them. It's pathetic and totally high school girl of me but thats how I felt. Then everyone was getting all these flower deliveries and stuff. No one sent me anything. My mother gave money instead which was much appreciated, but last year I got all my friends involved flowers. Did one of them think to get me one? No. I don't blame a single one of the audience members for not getting anything because those tickets were already $7. Just the fact that a few of my friends chose to see the show for that much instead of go watch a movie or something was special. But I saw other people giving all this stuff to each other and getting asked to prom. I just felt so alone... I still kind of do.

On the more upbeat side, my favorite numbers in the show were:

Landslide
King of Anything
Hold On
Cosmic Love

I had never heard any of them before the show and now they cheer me up every day.

song of the day: Landslide by the Dixie Chicks

quote of the day: "At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self".