Down To Ride Till The Very End, It's Me and My Boyfriend

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of doing dinner and a movie with one of my best friends. I wanted to really enjoy Memorial Day Weekend, because this summer will be a boring one for me. I am working 40 hours a week. Normally this would mean more fun activities, but I am currently stuck paying rent unexpectedly. It's $385 per month + electricity. When you make less than $10 an hour, that's basically your whole pay check. The day was okay.

Honestly, not as fun as the outings we usually have. I think it's because I get kind of uncomfortable in her home. Her mom has a bad attitude, and I don't think she likes me very much. We've had our ups and downs and her mom knows about them, so that may be why she isn't the biggest fan of me. But she always ends up yelling or making everything weird. She's super kind to our third musketeer, so I know that it's just something against me. I don't experience that at my house, because they all have grown to like this particular friend. My parents are very open and when they decide to make you family, you're family. I didn't experience this with a lot of my other friends, because they're awkward in general. I don't know if they have accepted this about themselves, but I have. I think its made obvious by their interaction with other friends as well.

We went and saw Book Club which is exactly what I wanted it to be. It was humorous, but basically a classic love story with a happy ending for absolutely everyone. When we were at dinner, one line from the conversation stuck out. We were talking about my relationship in little detail, because that's just how I am. She made a comment that stuck with me. She said, "you've been together through so much. Most couples don't go through that much in 5 years and you two went through it in one". That thought was on my mind all day, then I watched Red Table Talk with Gabrielle Union and Jada Pinkett Smith. Gabrielle was talking about her relationship with Dwayne Wade and she said, "The idea that a good woman or good future wife should have propensity to handle enormous amounts of pain and that's what makes you a good wife". She that that she had to redefine that notion. She said that people are not interested in pain or hurting their significant other,

I've been through a lot with my man. I don't regret it. All of it happened to humble me, bring me closer to God, show me what he was going through by going through it myself, teach me not to trust people, remind me that money gets you out of even the worst situations. The list goes on and on. I've learned and grown a lot from it. I've also cried a lot. So many tears. I wasn't ready for everything that came with a relationship. Maybe that's why God made me wait so long before sending the right person to me. I do believe that everything that we went through made us closer. Helped us grow. I appreciate everything we went through.

It's weird though, because we never got to have a honeymoon stage and just be a normal couple. I wonder how that affected us. It has made out intimacy extremely passionate from the start. That connection was always strong because we needed each other. We really do feel like one person a lot of the time, because his hurt was my hurt and my hurt was his hurt. It made our relationship stronger.

But where do we go from here? Is it okay that we feel a lot of new relationship things don't apply to us? Is it okay that we basically feel married? I don't know. But that's something I will be pondering today. It's nice to share it with you.

Song of the Day : Bonnie and Clyde by Beyonce and Jay Z

Quote of the Day : "All relationships go through hell. Real relationships get through it"

"Why not, take a crazy chance? Why not, do a crazy dance?"

Guess what's been on my mind?

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. I ended my last post saying that I would pick up my birth control pills from Walgreen, but I didn't. Because why would I get pills that keep me from my baby? To clarify, I don't just want a baby. I want a child. One that I'll love more and more each and every day. I want to be a mother. I've always wanted to be a mother. I have also always wanted to be a wife. I always pictured myself being a wife first and then a mother. But my circumstances are preventing me from doing that.

There is no way my boyfriend and I will be getting married in the next couple years. It's not because we don't love each other. It's also not because we're not ready for marriage. It already feels like we are in a marriage. We live together. We communicate with one another. We share finances even though a much heavier responsibility falls on him. We talk about career goals. We tackle all our problems together and come up with a plan to solve them together. Keep in mind I have a mini breakdown quite often. Bae has had to come up with lots of plans. Some of which are just "be still, have faith, and watch things work in your favor. The sky is not falling". He normally doesn't say the sky is not falling but that's what he means. He helps me calm down and happens to be right about everything. It's never ever as bad as I think it's going to be. We have fun with one another. A simple trip to Walmart can feel like a date, because we have so much fun with one another. He'll hide in the aisles and try to scare me or surprise me. He always sneaks cookies into the cart, even when we're dieting because cookies are important.

Update on School: I wasn't kicked out! I made the GPA that I need to stay in the program. Life is not ending. I had already started to think of my next steps and accepted the fact that I wasn't going back. This is because I was dramatic. The school had never said I would be dismissed. I just thought I would be. I tried to imagine life with a lot less money. It was stressful. I went to some job interviews and got hired right away at Home Goods. That will be my next summer adventure. I also worked my Crowd Systems job a lot more, because every penny counts. What I lost was comfort. My faith in a future I can see. But I didn't lose myself. For once, I felt like I could do something else and be happy. A career was never the only thing I wanted out of life. Love and family is what I've always wanted. It's been nice having love in my life.

I waited a long time for it. I'm happy that the hard work I put in is not going to waste. I'm happy that I get to work towards a career that will result in a job at the end of the journey. I'm happy that i'll be able to afford to pay off my student loans when the journey is over. I know that I will make a good community pharmacist. I have the knowledge, and I have the skills. I just have to go back to striving to be an A student and putting school first and foremost.

Which brings me back to my imaginary baby. The one I'm dying to make and will have a lot of fun making. The one I yearn for and think about almost all the time. Can I finish school if I chose to make a baby with the love of my life? I know it would interfere with study time and I would likely have to stop working to make time for the baby and studying. My love would have to continue to work both jobs to keep us afloat. That would leave very little time for him and the baby to spend with one another. I would be on my own. While that sounds fine to me most days, I've never taken care of a baby full time. On my own. It doesn't sound like the ideal situation.

But if I were to wait for the ideal situation, I couldn't give birth to a child until 2021. At 20121 I will be 27 years old. If I'm doing everything the way I'm supposed to, I wouldn't be able to have a child that year either. I'll need to find a job and work there for at least a year to make sure I'm stable and have insurance, savings, and everything the baby and I will need. So now I'm 28. If I waited that long, might as well get married. Let's say that the wedding happens from my savings and I'm still 28. That gives me about 7 years to make babies. A decent amount of time. But such a long wait. I'm going to be honest. I see a baby coming my way in the near future. I know that regardless I won't regret this decision. I can't regret something I want so badly despite thinking of how it'll make things harder for me. I just need this in my life. And who knows what'll happen? Maybe it'll take some time and wont happen right away. Then it'll be good that I start trying now.

Song of the day : Why Not by Hillary Duff

Quote of the Day : "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears" - Nelson Mandela

Hot Mess

This blog is where I found peace and solitude for all my middle school problems. I'm hoping that this summer, I can find it here again. My worst fear has come true, and I'm back in the same position that I was in May 2015 and December 2017. I have spent the better half of my life pursuing a certain field. How did I come to dedicate my life to this major? My parents always instilled in me that school was important. They believe that the key to a successful life is studying a field that has ample opportunity. They loved the healthcare field as I do. I like the healthcare field because you can find jobs anywhere you go. I liked the amount of zeros behind every pay check I would get. I didn't want to be poor. I wanted to live a nice lifestyle and support my parents. More than everything else, I wanted to make my parents proud.

Now I'm here. Again.

In Limbo.

Not knowing whether or not they will let me continue.

I do not like idly waiting for things to happen. I was this close to applying to 2 or 3 positions that caught my attention online today before I realized that would be opening one book before the biggest book in my life was closed.

Fearing the unknown. What if this is the end of any chance I had at success. What if all that awaits me is a low paying job and struggling to pay for an apartment month to month?

Thoughts about everything else I want in life. I have always wanted to find love and family. Maybe this chapter is ending so I can open the other chapter. Maybe I can take the love I have and hold so dearly and turn it into love in the physical form. Maybe I should have a baby. I've wanted a baby for so long. My womb yearns for it.

But am I selfish for wanting to bring a child into the mess I have made out of my life? Am I selfish for wanting a child while still being a child in the many ways that I depend on my parents? I know the answer to all those questions is yes, but if my heart wants something this bad it might be a sign. It might just be what needs to happen right now.

Or maybe I am looking for the wrong signs and the message about my birth control being ready for pick up is the real sign.

I guess when it comes to my thoughts about wanting to be a mom I have to think of it this way. I want to be the best mother can be. I want to be like my mother. My mother is kind and walks with God all the days of her life. (check. I think I'm there with this one). My mother has always been financially stable. Since I was born. (Not there with this one). I'm just going to stop there because financial stability is key. After this month, no more playing around with my birth control pills.

Keep in mind I safe that often then end up skipping anyways. Then my protection method turns into a mixture of that and the calendar method. Then I go into fears of kids not being part of God's plan for my future at all.

My life is many fears. All of it is fear of the unknown. I know that the faith of a mustard seed can move the mountains. But sometimes I worry my lack of faith isn't even the size of a mustard seed. I have struggled to talk to God through all of this. I missed two Sunday's at church which doesn't help. I missed the Sunday two weeks ago for studying and this Sunday for a friend's graduation. But missing two sunday's shouldn't be a big deal. My faith should be so strong that I view that as nothing.

Basically I'm a hot mess again. I think I'm going to relax. Work. Do things I love and wait for this dreaded dismissal email.

I can't even relax long enough to finish my post and gather my thoughts from it.

But this is where I am now.

Lost and then confused, I pray God finds me. Finds me with some good news.