Dear Moose,
I always have the urge to write a letter after a relationship ends. Especially when it ends the way the one between you and I did. There were no goodbyes and no explanations. I was left with my thoughts unheard and my feelings unreciprocated. I didn't get to speak on what was on my heart. I didn't get to speak on what I hoped for you and I. I didn't get to say anything and that really hurts me. It hurts me that you chose to block me instead of deal with our issues. Was it really that hard to tell me the truth? All I wanted was for you to be honest. You didn't need to be perfect or even close to it. You just needed to show me who you really are, so I could decide weather or not you were worth it. If it makes a difference, I did think you were worth it. You lied to me and broke me in more ways than one. But I never planned on leaving you. I didn't think it was the end. I thought that you were actually going to call me back. I might have even been weak enough to apologize to you when you called. For how passionate I sounded and how I accused you without letting you explain everything for yourself.
You leaving gave me time tot think and see the light. I don't have anything to feel bad about. You lied to me not the other way around. I didn't need to let you explain, because you proved what I always knew was the truth deep down inside. You lie a lot. If I can't trust you, then what you say doesn't matter anyways. I didn't give you an opportunity to explain yourself, because that would have just been giving you an opportunity to lie to me again. I can tell you what I am sorry about though. I'm sorry I'm not like her. I'm sorry I don't know about all the women in your life an just shrug it off. I don't know how to blame things on being young. Because I don't think being young is an excuse to hurt other people. What you don't realize is emotionally hurting someone can hurt more than a slap ever will. You didn't beat me, but you still broke me.
How did you break me you ask? I'm happy to tell you. You broke me by making me think that there was something wrong with me. That I wasn't worth leaving the other women in your life for. That I didn't deserve to ask these things of you if I wasn't having sex with you. You made me questions weather I was wrong for sharing my feelings. You made me question weather my feeling were wrong. You made me question my past relationships. Were they lying to me too? Have I been delusional this whole time? You made me fell bad for not trusting you when you knew that you were lying all along. You made me feel bad for feeling so strongly about you after such a short amount of time. We're dating in 2016. Two months means nothing. I "shouldn't" have felt as strongly as I did, but I did. I don't know how to feel bad about that.
One night when we were on the phone saying goodbyes and you kept saying "and" , "and", "and" prompting me to say more to you, I thought you wanted me to tell you that I love you. I even kind of wanted to say the words myself. We talked so much about so many things. It was really easy for me to open up to you. We had a connection I've never experienced with anyone before, because you're African too. You know my culture. The side of me that people fail to recognize. I felt like you saw all of me. Because I was being honest. Because I was letting you see all of me. When you talked about your football player sons, I pictured having them for you. I pictured our life together. In California. I get that these were all things I did. You didn't ask me to and you definitely didn't encourage me to get too carried away.
I have learned a lot from you. I have learned that I can't keep accepting mediocracy when I know that what I want is true love. I learned that I can't give second, third, and fourth chances. If someone shows signs of bad character traits, I can't ignore them. I can't be blindsided when you were showing me who you were the entire time. You didn't want something real. Not with me. I chose not to see that, but I now I know. I got the message loud and clear.
This whole experience has motivated me to stop dating. I've given it a good year and a half of trying. I've tried dating all kind of men in all kinds of different ways. It hasn't worked out. I've been left emptier than I was before. So I'm going to take a couple months to fill myself. I am a complete person without a partner in life. If I never find love, I won't have a heart attack and die. I will more than survive. I will strive. I can love myself. I can also get inseminated. It's the twenty first century, and I'm a strong, independent black women who doesn't NEED a man. Especially one who wants to waste my time or tell more lies than truth. I don't need a man that makes me feel difficult or crazy. I need one that sees that I'm made of sunshine and a little bit of hurricane. Someone who has love that they can't wait to give a good girl like me. Not because I have nice boobs (which I do) or because I'm smart and motivated. Because he sees every little imperfection and realizes that those make me who I am. I need a man who's never going to give up. Who's never just going to walk away the way you did. Because I deserve better. I know that now.
My final parting words are life advice. Be a good person. Despite what your parents may have taught you, nice people don't always finish last. They win by being proud of who they are within. Find some new role models. Young Thug and drug dealers definitely aren't goals. All those people are nothing when the flashy things go away. There's more to life than stacks of money, jimmy choo's, and Versace t-shirts. Stop doing drugs. They are bad for you. They cause call kinds of terrible diseases and mess with your mind. Your brain is the most important organ in your body. It is necessary for everything that you do. Don't mess it up over good times and stress relief. Stay blessed and beautiful. You may have shut all doors, but I didn't. If you ever need anything (someone to listen, a shoulder to cry on), I'm here as a friend that wants nothing but the best for you.
With Love,
MAA
About Me
- Forever yours, Mariam
- My name is Mariam and through this blog I'm discovering things about the world, and about myself. Through all my blogs you'll see craziness, political insight, celebrity mania, musical interest, total drama queen-ness,all about boys, and ever changing views on everything. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. You're about read the pages of my epic diary. Welcome to my world, and feel free to come back ;)
Friday, October 14, 2016
"You Hit Me With "I Know You're There With Someone Else". That Pussy Knows Me Better Than I Know Myself"
I'm going to start this post by saying Shit Happens. Especially when it's me on this search for love I've been obsessed with my whole life. Let me remind you of my second grade poem (editing corrected) : "Love is something you can never give up. It's something you just know and that it will go on for the rest of your life. And you know you can never live without them and your really lucky if yo have that. The end." I've wanted it for so long! I try to find love in every man I get to know and maybe I'm wrong for doing that. Maybe it puts too much pressure on them. Maybe it makes me let the wrong guys get away with too much, because I'm hoping that even with their flaws they can find a way to love me. After pretty much exactly two months, the moose ghosted on me. He blocked me on his phone, twitter, snapchat, and instagram. All at once with no kind of warning what so ever.
Two nights before he disappeared he gave me a beautiful speech about how you're supposed to go in blind when it comes to love. You're not supposed to protect yourself from hurt. You're supposed to let yourself feel and try to see the best in the person. The entire time we were talking I was searching for his lies. To be fair there were many of them. He had a girlfriend. Every time I asked if he had one, he said no. Then I finally admitted that I knew he had one from twitter. The girl posts about him. He forced her to make her page private and brushed it off as nothing. He kept telling me to "chill". What he didn't know was it wasn't over, because I can see her on instagram. So I brought it up again, and he said that they were together but not really. He was only with her for the perks that she provides. He said that she was related to the vice provost of the school who helped him with a situation he faced there. He told me she was really well off and drove a Range Rover and an Audi 6. I believed him. I felt that it was wrong to use a woman for what she had, but he made her the enemy. You make someone dislike someone by making them less human. It's what Hitler did and what he did as well. He convinced me that she wasn't like us. That she was rich and spoiled and it didn't matter that he was using her. He said that they don't spend a lot of time with one another. Blah blah blah.
The secrets lied in her instagram. She definitely didn't look like a rich girl to me, but I didn't dwell on it until the second time my best friend came to see me. She pointed out that the pictures of the girls room looked basic AF. I'm not a rich girl, but I sleep on a bed with a headboard. I have a night stand, desk, and dresser. All four match. She had none of the above. He said she drove a Range Rover, but when she posted her view there was a van. Monday night during the nice conversation we had, I asked him who he went to Texas Roadhouse and got pedicures with. I knew that it was her. He wouldn't admit it. He said he got pedicures with EJ who also needs them, because they both play basketball again. He claimed to go out to eat with friends to. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't. I told him exactly why I couldn't. His snaps never have people in them. How suspicious is that? He also was talking about how broke he was. Probably because he paid for all of this days festivities for him and bae. I still chose to believe him. To truly believe him.
Woke up the next morning and sent him a text that said "Good Morning use. I woke up thinking about you and our conversation, and I Want you to know that I do trust you. I really amy willing to give it my all and go in blind, because I really want to feel everything that I feel for you. I hope you have a really really really really really great Monday". All he said back was "I like your style". That's when I should have known. That's not enough. I said something beautiful and he sent back one line and a smiley face emoji. Red flags people. Red flags. I still felt okay about it. Until I went to shawty's instagram again. She posted photos of him and her mother at Texas Roadhouse. She followed that post up with a national boyfriends post. In the post she thanked him for watching her dog (who he told me was his roommates even though I knew better), and all the delicious meals he's been making her. The meals that I've been helping him cook! I felt betrayed. The snaps he was sending me, he was sending her too. It was too much. I had just decided to open up and give him all of me, and I realized the person I wanted to do all of this for is a lier. I told him I lied and he said I was over reacting. I also sent him a great Omarion Ice Box Emoji that I'm really proud of. He asked if we could talk about this so we did.
I told him everything I felt. All my emotions were on the table. I told him he lied and he kept asking what he lied about. I told him that he was only asking, so he would't accidently reveal other things he had lied about, because he's a liar. His defense was that he didn't lie he just "omitted information". In that moment it just sounded like blah blah blah to me. As I told my story and asked him to answer certain things, it was becoming obvious that a lot of what he'd said to me about other women was a lie. During this conversation, he interacted with another women that complemented his cooking skills and mentioned his girlfriend. I asked him what that last line she said was and he refused to answer, because he knew it was about his girlfriend. He said that I was antagonizing him, and it wasn't fair because he didn't have anything on me. That's when I realized he didn't have anything on me because I'M A GOOD PERSON! Unlike most people, I can be an open book. Nothing to hide.
I guess part of what really hurt me was that he was going to dinner with her mom. That's a big deal. Only serious boyfriends meet parents. I've never introduced my mother to a man. None of the ones in my life have been worthy of her presence if we're being honest. He said that it was no big deal. That american girls are different. They always introduce men to their families. Even if they're just friends. I guess what he failed to realize is that I'm an American girl too. I know what American girls do.That's not it. He asked if I had guy friends and I said I didn't. That's the truth. None that know my family and are close to me on a personal level. He said I was antagonizing him and he couldn't finish this conversation. I said I thought it was important to have the conversation when we were both vulnerable. He asked if I was breaking up with him. I said of course not. How could I go from wanting to grow in our relationship to wanting to break up. He asked what the point of this conversation was then (as if he wasn't the one who asked to talk about it). I told him that I just wanted him to know that I was hurt, and he said that he knew that. He could feel my hurt from all the way in Washington. That line meant something to me. I'm glad he acknowledged it. He then told me that we were going to finish this conversation later and hung up. I personally believe he had to hung out because it was national boyfriend day and he had an appointment to get some booty *Blacc Chyna voice*. I texted hm saying I wasn't rushing him to finish the conversation, but I was going to bed. That message went through but he did all the blocking at some point after that.
Being the pathetic girl I am, I still found a way to reach out to him. He called it "when ghosting goes wrong". It was so simple and a joke to him, but it broke me. I ended by telling him Kila la heri and he said "you too Mariam". So ends the story of him and I. It's over. People always leave. Correction: people always leave me. But you already knew that didn't you.
Song of the day : Faithful by Drake (ft. dvsn)
Quote of the day: Graceful exits are possible. Not everything has to be a tornado. Let go of people in silence and be appreciative of what you had.
Two nights before he disappeared he gave me a beautiful speech about how you're supposed to go in blind when it comes to love. You're not supposed to protect yourself from hurt. You're supposed to let yourself feel and try to see the best in the person. The entire time we were talking I was searching for his lies. To be fair there were many of them. He had a girlfriend. Every time I asked if he had one, he said no. Then I finally admitted that I knew he had one from twitter. The girl posts about him. He forced her to make her page private and brushed it off as nothing. He kept telling me to "chill". What he didn't know was it wasn't over, because I can see her on instagram. So I brought it up again, and he said that they were together but not really. He was only with her for the perks that she provides. He said that she was related to the vice provost of the school who helped him with a situation he faced there. He told me she was really well off and drove a Range Rover and an Audi 6. I believed him. I felt that it was wrong to use a woman for what she had, but he made her the enemy. You make someone dislike someone by making them less human. It's what Hitler did and what he did as well. He convinced me that she wasn't like us. That she was rich and spoiled and it didn't matter that he was using her. He said that they don't spend a lot of time with one another. Blah blah blah.
The secrets lied in her instagram. She definitely didn't look like a rich girl to me, but I didn't dwell on it until the second time my best friend came to see me. She pointed out that the pictures of the girls room looked basic AF. I'm not a rich girl, but I sleep on a bed with a headboard. I have a night stand, desk, and dresser. All four match. She had none of the above. He said she drove a Range Rover, but when she posted her view there was a van. Monday night during the nice conversation we had, I asked him who he went to Texas Roadhouse and got pedicures with. I knew that it was her. He wouldn't admit it. He said he got pedicures with EJ who also needs them, because they both play basketball again. He claimed to go out to eat with friends to. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't. I told him exactly why I couldn't. His snaps never have people in them. How suspicious is that? He also was talking about how broke he was. Probably because he paid for all of this days festivities for him and bae. I still chose to believe him. To truly believe him.
Woke up the next morning and sent him a text that said "Good Morning use. I woke up thinking about you and our conversation, and I Want you to know that I do trust you. I really amy willing to give it my all and go in blind, because I really want to feel everything that I feel for you. I hope you have a really really really really really great Monday". All he said back was "I like your style". That's when I should have known. That's not enough. I said something beautiful and he sent back one line and a smiley face emoji. Red flags people. Red flags. I still felt okay about it. Until I went to shawty's instagram again. She posted photos of him and her mother at Texas Roadhouse. She followed that post up with a national boyfriends post. In the post she thanked him for watching her dog (who he told me was his roommates even though I knew better), and all the delicious meals he's been making her. The meals that I've been helping him cook! I felt betrayed. The snaps he was sending me, he was sending her too. It was too much. I had just decided to open up and give him all of me, and I realized the person I wanted to do all of this for is a lier. I told him I lied and he said I was over reacting. I also sent him a great Omarion Ice Box Emoji that I'm really proud of. He asked if we could talk about this so we did.
I told him everything I felt. All my emotions were on the table. I told him he lied and he kept asking what he lied about. I told him that he was only asking, so he would't accidently reveal other things he had lied about, because he's a liar. His defense was that he didn't lie he just "omitted information". In that moment it just sounded like blah blah blah to me. As I told my story and asked him to answer certain things, it was becoming obvious that a lot of what he'd said to me about other women was a lie. During this conversation, he interacted with another women that complemented his cooking skills and mentioned his girlfriend. I asked him what that last line she said was and he refused to answer, because he knew it was about his girlfriend. He said that I was antagonizing him, and it wasn't fair because he didn't have anything on me. That's when I realized he didn't have anything on me because I'M A GOOD PERSON! Unlike most people, I can be an open book. Nothing to hide.
I guess part of what really hurt me was that he was going to dinner with her mom. That's a big deal. Only serious boyfriends meet parents. I've never introduced my mother to a man. None of the ones in my life have been worthy of her presence if we're being honest. He said that it was no big deal. That american girls are different. They always introduce men to their families. Even if they're just friends. I guess what he failed to realize is that I'm an American girl too. I know what American girls do.That's not it. He asked if I had guy friends and I said I didn't. That's the truth. None that know my family and are close to me on a personal level. He said I was antagonizing him and he couldn't finish this conversation. I said I thought it was important to have the conversation when we were both vulnerable. He asked if I was breaking up with him. I said of course not. How could I go from wanting to grow in our relationship to wanting to break up. He asked what the point of this conversation was then (as if he wasn't the one who asked to talk about it). I told him that I just wanted him to know that I was hurt, and he said that he knew that. He could feel my hurt from all the way in Washington. That line meant something to me. I'm glad he acknowledged it. He then told me that we were going to finish this conversation later and hung up. I personally believe he had to hung out because it was national boyfriend day and he had an appointment to get some booty *Blacc Chyna voice*. I texted hm saying I wasn't rushing him to finish the conversation, but I was going to bed. That message went through but he did all the blocking at some point after that.
Being the pathetic girl I am, I still found a way to reach out to him. He called it "when ghosting goes wrong". It was so simple and a joke to him, but it broke me. I ended by telling him Kila la heri and he said "you too Mariam". So ends the story of him and I. It's over. People always leave. Correction: people always leave me. But you already knew that didn't you.
Song of the day : Faithful by Drake (ft. dvsn)
Quote of the day: Graceful exits are possible. Not everything has to be a tornado. Let go of people in silence and be appreciative of what you had.
2016 Break Up Playlist
I don't know what the theme of 2016 would be. It could be "Love like I've never known it Before", because I finally got to go on dates and have deeper connections with men who were at least semi-serious about me. It could also be "Heartbreak: over and over and over and over agaiiiiin" *dvsn voice*. With trying to find love comes finding heartbreak, and I am so grateful for the music that got me through it. Here it all is. In no particular order.
1. A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans
2. Hold on to Me by X Ambassadors
3. Somebody's Heartbreak by Hunter Hayes
4. Break up in a Small Town by Sam Hunt
5. Too Good by Drake
6. Redemption by Drake
7. Water Under the Bridge by Adele
8. Someone Like You by Adele
9. Rolling in the Deep by Adele (the seven stages of grief are real, and anger is especially real for me).
10. All on you by Nick Fradiani
11. I hate u, I love u by Gnash
12. Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes
13. Rather Be by Clean Bandit "If you gave me a shot, I would take it. It's a shot in the dark, but I'd make it" (Why didn't he give me another chance? Why did he give up on what we had?)
14. I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann W. (Don't let no hell bent heart leave you bitter. When you feel like giving up, reconsider)
15. Ordinary Girl by Hannah Montana
16. Karaoke by Drake
17. He Wasn't Man Enough by Toni Braxton (Wish I could see her in concert tonight!!)
18. Sorry by Beyonce
19. Sex With You by Rihanna
20. Cups (When I'm Gone) by Pitch Perfect Cast
21. What Can I Say by Carrie Underwood (this one hit home. More than any of the others)
22. Not Nice by PARTYNEXTDOOR
23. Try by Colbie Callout
24. Love Yourself by Justin Bieber
These are the songs on rotation right now. Getting me through it. I'll be alright.
Quote of the day: "Graceful exits are possible. Not every ending has to be a tornado. Let go of people in silence and be appreciative of what you had".
Thursday, October 13, 2016
"I Don't Wanna Take This Life For Granted Like I Used To Do. I Wanna Love Somebody; Love Somebody Like You"
Dear Kitty (If you caught the Anne Frank reference, you're the real MVP),
I fell in love again, and I didn't tell you. This time it was kept a secret, because I was pretty focused on school. When I wasn't in school, I was constantly communication with this man (lets call him Moose). I met him a year ago in Cali. We got to spend some one on one time together, because we were both under 21 and couldn't go to the bar with everyone else. We had a nice conversation, but I didn't really see it becoming anything more than it was. I assumed that all three men were going to fall for one of my best friends. She's drop dead gorgeous and a black guy magnet, so it was just a matter of time. I can't think of this encounter without that "black men love group sex" joke. Most memorable part of the whole experience. Fast forward about six months later and the moose is in my DMS. It was pretty casual, but he sent kissy faces. That caught my attention. I realized he saw me as more than a long lost encounter and was trying to see where it went. We eventually moved out of DMs and on to text messages after a message from him stating "A n---- don't have unlimited data" or something similar to that. So then we were texting. The conversation came to an end when I went to bed and he went to a party. That was that.
Fast forward another 6+ months. My father helped true love persevere. A friend of my fathers brought a friend of his to ask him a question when he was visiting Seattle. The guy told a story of how he was a single father in love with a women. This women's parents did not want him to marry her, but he had nothing but good intentions. He didn't want to know life without her and was willing to remain with her unmarried if that was the only option. Nothing was going to keep them apart (I am probably making this way more romantic than this actually was). The father of this beautiful girl was a guy that my dad grew up with. So he offered to go talk to him to see if he could help in some way or another. The conversation with the young maiden's father went well, and he agreed to let his daughter marry the lover boy. She invited our whole family to the wedding and said she wanted my dad right next to her father when she gets married. The young maiden happened to be the moose's cousin. So I knew that I would see the moose once again.
Fast forward to the wedding weekend. I got to wear three beautiful dresses and the celebration was unforgettable. Beautiful decor. I loved the table set up each of the days. The bride and group walking in to You're Still the One by Shania Twain, and I loved that too. It was great! Towards the end of he wedding, the DJ started playing American Music. Work, Controlla, and One Dance back to back. Despite the fact my unbelievable tall heels were killing me, I had to dance because Drake is bae. I love him. This was a week after I had experienced the magic that is the Summer Sixteen Tour, so I was hype. Mariam and I danced. He was dancing with his cousin and strategically made his way over to me. Next thing you know him and I were dancing. Next thing you know, I was semi-twerking on him. God only knows how long it lasted, because I was really nervous about my family. Eventually I turned around and acted like a respectable African Girl again. But it happened. So I'm desperately awaiting the video to see it. I saw him the next day at the lunch. He claims that he didn't see me. We didn't talk and I shot him a text that said "It was really good seeing you again" and he said "It was good seeing you too Mariam". This is probably where it should have ended, but of course it didn't.
I thought of him as I was happily touring Seattle. We went to the aquarium, beach from, Seattle Eye, China Town, Lake Washington, Underground Tour and so many other cool tourist places. Mariam and I spent most of our days out and about. I also enjoyed delicious African food cooked by my aunty Samia. Yum yum. We flew home on a thursday and our uncle happened to be on the same flight with his son. We all rode home together, and on the car ride back I text my moose. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it sparked a conversation. A conversation that went on for two straight months with the exception of 1-2 days total. We talked about everything. Our culture, our families, our majors, our academic experiences, our romantic experiences. When we talked about Drake and he could say the lyrics back to me so easily my heart was happy. When he sent me a beautiful playlist that Ed Sheeran made an appearance on, my heart was even happier. When he told me that when I See him, he could sing the entire 1989 album to me, I was ready to Thank God for helping me find my soulmate. Music is a big part of my life and an even bigger part of his life, so it was nice having someone to share these conversations with. He despised my country music, but who doesn't?
Though most of what he shared with me was good, there was a decent amount of bad too. Drug use and lots of women. But it didn't matter, because I felt that he was worth going through it for. I know it sounds stupid, but I was lost in a fairytale. The fact that it would be four years before we could even possibly live in the same city, and stood no chance of getting a physical connection didn't stop me. I still have this fairytale idea that love conquers all. I knew that if it was meant to be, it would be. It's been a long time since I have connected with a guy the way I connected with Moose. I may have never had that kind of connection to be honest. That all day every day on my mind. You're the first person I want to tell everything to kind of like. In the club snapping and texting you, because no one else could get my attention even if I tried. Only dressing up to snap you kind of like. I was in deep. It was real. I dove in head first and enjoyed everything we had while we had it. I wish I could tell you that this story ended in my happily ever after (finally), but it didn't. Stay tuned for the sad finale.
Song of the day: Somebody Like You by Keith Urban
Quote: "Stop being afraid to feel. The best feelings in life come organically. Something you aren't in control of. Trying to be numb is a waste of time"
I fell in love again, and I didn't tell you. This time it was kept a secret, because I was pretty focused on school. When I wasn't in school, I was constantly communication with this man (lets call him Moose). I met him a year ago in Cali. We got to spend some one on one time together, because we were both under 21 and couldn't go to the bar with everyone else. We had a nice conversation, but I didn't really see it becoming anything more than it was. I assumed that all three men were going to fall for one of my best friends. She's drop dead gorgeous and a black guy magnet, so it was just a matter of time. I can't think of this encounter without that "black men love group sex" joke. Most memorable part of the whole experience. Fast forward about six months later and the moose is in my DMS. It was pretty casual, but he sent kissy faces. That caught my attention. I realized he saw me as more than a long lost encounter and was trying to see where it went. We eventually moved out of DMs and on to text messages after a message from him stating "A n---- don't have unlimited data" or something similar to that. So then we were texting. The conversation came to an end when I went to bed and he went to a party. That was that.
Fast forward another 6+ months. My father helped true love persevere. A friend of my fathers brought a friend of his to ask him a question when he was visiting Seattle. The guy told a story of how he was a single father in love with a women. This women's parents did not want him to marry her, but he had nothing but good intentions. He didn't want to know life without her and was willing to remain with her unmarried if that was the only option. Nothing was going to keep them apart (I am probably making this way more romantic than this actually was). The father of this beautiful girl was a guy that my dad grew up with. So he offered to go talk to him to see if he could help in some way or another. The conversation with the young maiden's father went well, and he agreed to let his daughter marry the lover boy. She invited our whole family to the wedding and said she wanted my dad right next to her father when she gets married. The young maiden happened to be the moose's cousin. So I knew that I would see the moose once again.
Fast forward to the wedding weekend. I got to wear three beautiful dresses and the celebration was unforgettable. Beautiful decor. I loved the table set up each of the days. The bride and group walking in to You're Still the One by Shania Twain, and I loved that too. It was great! Towards the end of he wedding, the DJ started playing American Music. Work, Controlla, and One Dance back to back. Despite the fact my unbelievable tall heels were killing me, I had to dance because Drake is bae. I love him. This was a week after I had experienced the magic that is the Summer Sixteen Tour, so I was hype. Mariam and I danced. He was dancing with his cousin and strategically made his way over to me. Next thing you know him and I were dancing. Next thing you know, I was semi-twerking on him. God only knows how long it lasted, because I was really nervous about my family. Eventually I turned around and acted like a respectable African Girl again. But it happened. So I'm desperately awaiting the video to see it. I saw him the next day at the lunch. He claims that he didn't see me. We didn't talk and I shot him a text that said "It was really good seeing you again" and he said "It was good seeing you too Mariam". This is probably where it should have ended, but of course it didn't.
I thought of him as I was happily touring Seattle. We went to the aquarium, beach from, Seattle Eye, China Town, Lake Washington, Underground Tour and so many other cool tourist places. Mariam and I spent most of our days out and about. I also enjoyed delicious African food cooked by my aunty Samia. Yum yum. We flew home on a thursday and our uncle happened to be on the same flight with his son. We all rode home together, and on the car ride back I text my moose. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it sparked a conversation. A conversation that went on for two straight months with the exception of 1-2 days total. We talked about everything. Our culture, our families, our majors, our academic experiences, our romantic experiences. When we talked about Drake and he could say the lyrics back to me so easily my heart was happy. When he sent me a beautiful playlist that Ed Sheeran made an appearance on, my heart was even happier. When he told me that when I See him, he could sing the entire 1989 album to me, I was ready to Thank God for helping me find my soulmate. Music is a big part of my life and an even bigger part of his life, so it was nice having someone to share these conversations with. He despised my country music, but who doesn't?
Though most of what he shared with me was good, there was a decent amount of bad too. Drug use and lots of women. But it didn't matter, because I felt that he was worth going through it for. I know it sounds stupid, but I was lost in a fairytale. The fact that it would be four years before we could even possibly live in the same city, and stood no chance of getting a physical connection didn't stop me. I still have this fairytale idea that love conquers all. I knew that if it was meant to be, it would be. It's been a long time since I have connected with a guy the way I connected with Moose. I may have never had that kind of connection to be honest. That all day every day on my mind. You're the first person I want to tell everything to kind of like. In the club snapping and texting you, because no one else could get my attention even if I tried. Only dressing up to snap you kind of like. I was in deep. It was real. I dove in head first and enjoyed everything we had while we had it. I wish I could tell you that this story ended in my happily ever after (finally), but it didn't. Stay tuned for the sad finale.
Song of the day: Somebody Like You by Keith Urban
Quote: "Stop being afraid to feel. The best feelings in life come organically. Something you aren't in control of. Trying to be numb is a waste of time"
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