"Like how a single word can make a heart open. I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion.

Top 25 songs of 2015

1. Fight Song by Rachel Platten : 2015 was all about my fight. My fight against myself and the decisions I was making. My fight against the men who continued to let me down and couldn't live up to the extremely low expectations I set. My fight against my father who I love dearly but continue to disagree with. My fight against failure and being stuck in my sadness and disappointment. I had a lot of little battles this year and this song helped me keep going. My favorite line was "Like a small boat, in the ocean. Sending big waves into motion. Like how a single word can make a heart open. I might only have one match, but I could make an explosion". I made many explosions with the match that I had. This song gave me the motivation I needed to get through some of my hardest battles this year.          
2. Water Under the Bridge by Adele : This song came to me late, but I love it nonetheless. Adele is a goddess. She releases masterpiece after masterpiece. We had to wait four years to get new music, and it was worth the wait. Water Under the Bridge was definitely my favorite song from the album. "If you're gonna let me down let me down gently, don't pretend that you don't want me. Our love ain't water under the bridge". This song goes out to J. He knows he wan'ts me (Kimoji hairflip)

3. A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion : Too many of these songs are associated with men and my internal struggles. This one is no different. The song was released over ten years ago, but it came into my life in 2015. I had decided to stop practicing insanity and joined the "shoot your shot" movement. When it worked, this song became my anthem. The lyrics are so closely associated with my feelings : "The world thought I had it all, but I was waiting for you...". I'm still waiting and Celine Dion is great company.

4. Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran : The music video helped me fall in love with this song. He dances with her so beautifully. I may not be able to ballroom dance, but in my head I am spinning and twirling with Ed Sheeran. It's the love song of the year, and I can't wait to hear more music from Ed.

5. I Am Light by Erykah Badu : I did the Miss Black and Gold pageant this year and it was quite momentous for me. It was like a "coming out" occasion of sorts. I was showing the world that I have confidence in me. I got on stage in a bathing suit for the first time ever and killed it. Did I have rolls? yes, but I still killed it. So this song represents that accomplishment for me. It also represents me overcoming my pharmacy school failure. "I am not mistakes that I have made. Or any of thing things that caused me pain. I am not the pieces of the dreams I left behind. I am light." Erykah Badu is a queen, and I finally see it.

6. Love Yourself by Justin Bieber : Purpose was a beautiful album. It was exactly what I needed to fall back in love with Justin Bieber. Ed Sheeran wrote a beautiful break up son. I scream "my momma don't like you and she likes everyone.." every time we get to the chorus. This goes out to all the heart breakers.

7.One Man Can Change the World by Big Sean : This is another song I found during my demise this summer. I had the pleasure of seeing Big Sean in concert. I didn't go to as many concerts as usual this year which was quite sad. I heard this song at his concert, and I would pretend it was being sang to me. I cried to this song more than a couple of times. Oh goodness, 2015 was a hard year.

8. Hotline Bling by Drake : The song speaks for itself. It was the best Drake song I've heard ina minute. It represents the relationships of our generation all too well. The music video was life. I like Drake with a beard and sweater. My panties are a little wetter then they were before I started thinking about Drake with a beard and sweater.

9. I Bet by Ciara : Ciara did it again. Her music is questionable a majority of the time, but this song was all any girl could sing. We all related to her feelings of still wanting the man who hurt us. It was real and I appreciate this song.

10. Post to Be by Omarion : "If your dude comes close to me. He gon wanna ride off and then ghost with me. I might let your boy chauffer me, but he gotta eat the booty like groceries". Nothing more needs to be said. This song was a hit. It makes me want to dance and sing. Shoutout to Jhenae. That line is her legacy.

11. Mrs. Officer by Lil Wayne : I had forgotten this song existed. I went to see Lil Wayne in concert with my friend Sharon. We drove to Wichita and he was amazing. He kept looking out into the audience and saying we were beautiful in the most genuine voice. This song became stuck in my head from that point on. We also got to use it in the stroll off which was awesome. Dreams do come true.

11. Coffee by Miguel : My love for Miguel has definitely grown through the years. I have seen him in concerts four times (maybe more). The first time he was a nobody opening up for Usher. He has really grown since then. This song is beautiful, and I will always associate it with my KCGP adventure.

12. Blessings by Big Sean ft. Drake : It was Big Sean's year. Everyone from me to little Riley Curry was singing wayyyyy up I feel blessed.

13. I Don't **** With You by Big Sean: We were also singing I don't give a **** about you or anything that you do and really meaning it.

14. Slow Motion by My Future Husband : Trey is my baby. I got to see him live twice. Once in Wichita and once in California. He's my man. Love him, love him, love him.

15. Trap Queen by Fetty Wap : It was Fetty's year. Every song he dropped was magic, but this was the one that started it all. Not going to lie. He had me imagining myself in the kitchen cookie pies with my baby. I saw too many cute snaps to count of couples listening to trap queen. It was the ratchet anthem.

16. Sorry by Justin Bieber : I told you that this was the year I fell back in love with JB. This song has African beats so it speaks to me. It makes me want to dance, smile, twirl. It's upbeat and real. Yes Justin, its okay to sorry now. Selena's crazy. I would take you back.

17. The Fix by Jeremiah and Nelly : I love Marvin Gaye. Sexual Healing is a song I grew up on at all these different African parties and weddings that I went to. I loved seeing this song reappear through modern day artists. This song makes me want to dance too.

17. The Hills by the Weeknd : I said it was Fetty Wap's year, but I think I have to correct that statement. He shares this year with Adele, Justin Bieber, and the Weeknd. He became a household name in the most awesome way. He didn't have to sell out or make music like everybody elses. He did it by being himself. I wouldn't call this a love song, but when he gets to the chorus you definitely feel something.

18. Marvin Gaye by Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor  : The video is absolutely adorable. They're at a school dance. It feels like 1980. Meghan Trainor is bringing booty back. I love it. It's the cutest song ever and I could sing it all day every day forever.

19. Into You by Fabulous : This song is old, but it described my feelings perfectly. When I was sad about J I listened to Water Under The Bridge, but when I was happy about J... I listened to this song. It turns out that he appreciates Fabulous too making the entire thing perfect. That plus..they were on a boat.

20. Back to Back by Drake : Shoutout to all my boss barbies wifing ninjas!! Ayy. I had to clean it up a bit, but everyone knows that line went hard. The beef between Drake and Meek was hilarious. Drake won by a landslide and Nicki stood by her man. Drake performed with all the famous memes as the backdrop. The whole thing was the most memorable battle of 2015. I like seeing artists challenge one another. Aubrey Graham proved that he's one Canadian you shouldn't mess with.

21. Earned It by The Weeknd : Fifty Shades of Grey was the most memorable movie of the year. I was a part of the fandom. Fifty Shades is a Twilight fan fiction, so those of us that grew up as twilight fans have a unique appreciate for this series. This was the theme song, and I couldn't get it out of my head. Another standing ovation to the Weeknd. He had noting but hits all year.

22. Best Friend by JR featuring Bae : The concept for this song was scandalous, but it was so catchy no one could stop singing it. Go best friend.

23. Big Rings by Future: I knew this list was missing something. That's Future. I loved all of his songs, but decided to only place one of the list. I loved Big Rings. This was playing the only time I went to the Cave this school year and the whole club went crazy.

24. Cheerleader by Omi : I heard this song on the radio on my way to Olive Garden in Kansas City with my line sister and her best friend Josh. Its so cheery. Perfect for days where the sun is shining down on your face and every little thing seems to be alright. How could it not be? Olive Garden has the never ending bread bowl.

25. No Role Modelz by J. Cole : This song has a different meaning from the one I've given it. I take it as an empowerment song. "She don't wanna be saved, don't save her" means she can save herself. I understand that's not what J. Cole meant, but that's what it means to me.


This concludes this years list. I enjoyed this music very much. It lit up my life time and time again. Excited to see what this next year holds in terms of music. Chris Brown just dropped the royalty album and rumor has it Rihanna will finally release new music. Praying for new music from Nicki. I can't wait.

"If you're gonna let me down, let me down gently. Don't pretend that you don't want me. Our love ain't water under the bridge"

I just don't know anymore. I am conflicted between what I want, what I deserve, filling a void, and right or wrong. As many of you know, I spent most of my life trying to be "good". I was the perfect daughter, friend etc. (yes, I wasn't actually perfect. Some of this is just coming from my ego. But you get the point). It took a lot of energy for me to maintain this lifestyle, and I still wasn't getting what I want. When I started losing everything, I lost my desire to be perfect.I had spent so long trying to build the perfect future that makes my parents proud and myself "better" (more money, nicer clothes, respect from educated people etc.), and it all failed. The people who were having fun and living life the way they wanted to were A. happier than me, because they set such low bars for themselves complete failure isn't an option and B. finding the thing I want the most : love. I've been waiting for the perfect guy forever. A god fearing man who wants to hold my hand, talk about nothing and everything, take me on adventures, and sees the beauty within. Prince charming was half the reason this blog started. I was on the hunt for the man I thought was my prince . This hunt used to lead right to a dead end. Part of this had to do with my confidence. I couldn't talk to men, and I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I was scared to be myself. I live in a household that isn't very affectionate. We're not touchy feely people and emotions are kept within unless the emotion is anger or frustration. I don't really know how to be flirty and outgoing. Most men probably thought I was asexual, because I stuck to myself and admired them from afar.

This is the year that men started coming into my life. I met six people that each changed me in different ways.

1. The handsome kappa lawyer to be. I was the talent at a KU Black Alumni banquet. She asked me the day before, so I didn't have much time to prepare. I played the piano and chose Cannon in D. It's one of my absolute favorite pieces. Definitely a song I want played by a string quartet at my wedding. I was playing the song and he came and laid his paperwork for the night on the piano. I looked up and in the sexiest of voices I heard, "Am I distracting you?". Yes, I was distracted. Because he was attractive. I had nothing formal to wear, so I chose a dress that was too small. My only option. It was small everywhere including up top, and my boobs were to die for. He noticed. We ended up sitting next to each other during the banquet, and he kept saying, "I feel like I know you from somewhere..". I didn't want a formal introduction before playing my piece, but he gave me one anyway. We conversed through out the night and my line sister thought he must like me. Instead of being passive and waiting, I decided to "stop practicing insanity". I messaged him and we spoke. Despite our 10 year age difference, I had hope. You know I always do. We texted back and forth for about four weeks. He asked me if I was attracted to him and worried about coming off as a creepy old man. He told me that he could tell I'm an old soul "It's in your eyes". This relationship may sound deep, but its not. He liked to talk about himself, and we never actually went on that date. The day he ignored my next is the day I never spoke to him again.

2. I started sneaking into the club Tonic this year. My line sister turned 21 and had her paper ID and regular ID. This allowed me to go to a variety of different clubs with her during the summer season. After partying, we would always go to Fuzzy's for some delicious Mexican cuisine. That day a guy from the club motioned for me to come to his table. He proceeded to tell me that he had seen me in the club and wanted to know more about me. I gave him his number and he selected a day for us to go on our date. He canceled and it was over for me. I couldn't have been more excited for that date.

3. The good bruhz. I have a thing for the men of Omega Psi Phi, and I'm not ashamed. As a Delta, there are many ques in my life. I think that is part of why a majority of the men I've talked to this year have been ques. I met this one at KC greek picnic, in the Alpha House's kitchen. My line sister (who is a part of every story) was talking to one of the guys she met, and I was standing alone. He called me over. I didn't notice that he was the bruhz, because he wasn't wearing pari and bruhz tend to wear pari to every party. He had a bracelet that I didn't notice until later. He didn't know I was a delta either. We talked about so many things. I wish I had written them all down. It was a beautiful conversation and he had a theme. He said his mission was to make my night a little better. He kept asking if he'd done it yet. Next think you know we were kissing. It was heavenly. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car. We were looking up at the stars and he talked about how many people had been into each other the same way we have. Just like Frank & Edna. It was sweet. He left for Virginia and our conversations didn't last long. It turns out he had a girlfriend the night we met, but he broke up with her the week after. I sent him a letter. I hope to get one back. He said he bough the stationary, but I know his ways.

4. I met number four the same day I met number three. Right after actually. He saw number three kiss me goodnight, but that didn't stop him. Our mutual sorors/frat were the ones who were talking int he previous story forcing me to stand alone and meet #3. My line sister and I took my car to those guys home. They bought us mcDonalds and had to pull to the side of the road so their interest could puke. The situation was less than idea. We sat in the veranda as the two men and my sister smoked (for medical purposes of course :) ) . Eventually my line sister and his frat left to spend some quality time with one another. Him and I were left to speak in our 4 in the morning tired state. We took a nap together which was quite enjoyable. He wanted to mess around, but kissing two guys in the same day seemed wrong. So instead we cuddled and napped. We exchanged social media information, and he DM'd me later that day asking for my number. We've been texting back and forth for five months now. It's on and off, and I've only seen him one time since. I don't think we have potential. It's just fun to have consistent communication with someone who calls me beautiful. It makes me feel good to know that I've only spent a few hours with him, but those hours left an impact. I also like that he lets me call him his full name.

5. I met an asshole. He doesn't deserve a story. He stole $200 from me and still hasn't paid me back. He probably never will. Ass hole. - I was going to leave it at that, but I learned some important lessons from him. I can't be this gullible, and I can't want love so bad that I'm willing to be a fool for it. I'm not okay with being used. I'm not strong enough to be with a bad guy.

6. Bae. I really like this man. He has a special place in my heart. I'm so comfortable around him. It amazes me. He's warm and has the cutest smile. You can read every emotion he's every had right on his face. Our time together has been limited. He's so busy and his business is sexy. He's working really hard to become something, but to me he's already so many things. He doesn't want a relationship. So all I think about in my free time is why? Is it because he just got out of a relationship? Is it me? Does he think he can do better? Is it because I'm inexperienced or not sexy enough? Last but not least, is there anything I can do to make him want me. I want to be with him. He's so sexy to me. He doesn't just say hey, He says "good morning" and "good evening", He thanks me after a good time together and asked me what my long term goals are. It'll kill me if he loses interest, because I want this man in my life. I really really do. It'll be awhile before I feel this comfortable around any one else again. I'm hoping I don't have to build up that comfort, because he and I will last. So now is the time for what ifs. Should I text him and call him all the time. Try to stay in constant communication, so he's thinking about me and gets to know me better. Should I be patient and let him build from here. Should I focus on the negatives? What should I do? I was going to say I don't know, but that would be a lie. I've already decided I'm going to call him and it'll be beautiful. We'll talk for a long time and live happily ever after. Did I mention he's the bruhz too? OOP-Roo

This blog feels incomplete, because there's no way for me to tie it all together and create a happy ending. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm grateful for my experiences and the lessons I learned from all these men. Each one of them will bring me one step closer to the one I'm supposed to be with.

Song of the day : Duffle Bag Boy by Lil Wayne

Quote of the day : We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see the imperfect person perfectly.

"How would you like it if both of our names ended with Jackson?"

I have to write about this one before the magic has left my bones. I can feel it disappearing. Slipping away. But there are certain things I don't want to forget.

1. He fed me a carrot. Asked if I wanted some Ramen Noodles. When I said, "no, I'm fine". He said, "I know you're fine".

2. After everything was said and done, I asked him to play Into You by Fabulous and he did. That was our song in my mind, and I've never actually listened to what was "our song" with a man before.

3. I wasn't scared. For once in my life. My heart was open and ready for whatever came next.

4. He's different. He asks me if I made anybody smile today and listens to whatever story I came up with. He taught me about the 13th Amendment and how it doesn't prevent prisoners from being treated as slaves. He says indeed and knows about the law of attraction.

5. He won the best student award in middle school that I never could. That means he's always been charismatic and pinch cheeking adorable.

6. He's cheesing super hard in the picture he keeps in his room.

7. The conversations. When we're shoulder to shoulder, staring at the ceiling. Stories about him, stories about myself.

8. All the little things I can't put my finger on that I adore.

I'm in trouble y'all. If you read this blog, you know how all these stories end for me. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I've been optimistic and that didn't change the end result. Sometimes I think the world doesn't want me to be in love right now. Maybe they want me to figure out my tragic school situation first or wait for a nice christian man to come swoop me away. Right now, I want this man. I want his heart. I don't want him to go back to his ex-girlfriend. I don't want him to meet someone else. I don't want him to hurt me. I want him. All of him for all of me. Here's to hoping for a happy ending this time around.

With Love,
Hillary Duff  j