"There is no higher worth in all the earth, but to love you how I love you"

My spring break has ended, and I'm sad about it. April will be one of the toughest months of my college career. I have to get my grades in pretty much ever class up or else my journey to be a pharmacist and life plan is over, I have a 90th anniversary weekend to put on for my chapter, and a week of events for my very first Delta Week. Thinking about this has me on the verge of tears. The weight of the world is literally on my shoulder. I click on my christian radio station and Christy Nockels comes on singing,

"And all I've needed is you Jesus. All my wanting is satisfied somehow. There is no higher worth in all the earth but to love you, how I love you. No greater call. No life at all, but to love you how I love you"

Among the other worries that come with carrying the weight of the world, I've been so busy looking for love. I got a text message from a fairly eligible boy. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was just finishing church. He didn't respond because I mentioned the Lord. That's what my friends told me at least. I was so busy worrying about this silly boy and all the other that  I forgot that I've already experienced the GREATEST love story ever told. The one between God and I. God's love is patient, his love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud... It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. his love NEVER fails. Another verse comes to mind, "Greater love has no one than this, to lay down ones life for a friend"

I've been so overwhelmed during this period of lent that I've failed to give anything up and failed to dwell on the ultimate sacrifice Jesus Christ made for me. He died, so I can live fully and free of the burden of my sin. He took the weight holding me down, and I'm so silly for still trying to carry it. Still searching for the kind of love I've had since before I was born. God is the life, the truth, and the way. I really hope that I can continue to find the answers I'm looking for through him and stop trying to look in all the wrong places. I'm continuing to grow in my faith. The message I want to leave you with is plain and simple: God is Love. I am loved. You are loved. His love is all we need.

I Don't Wanna Be Anything Other Than What I've Been Trying to Be Lately

I've avoided this long enough and even contemplated not making them at all. I think the time has finally come for me to write my New Years Resolutions. I've lost an entire month and a half at this point, because I was scared to face the things that need to change in my life. I'm glad to say that I'm in a better place now. I cried out to God, and he heard my cry. He gave me all the answers I was looking for. Not all of them were the answers I wanted to hear, but I coped and learned to move past all the burdens I was carrying.

1. To Stop Underestimating my Lord and Savior. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and the only thing that gets in the way of that is me and my lack of faith. The first step to getting to a better place was me figuring out how to admit I lacked the faith I once had. It took awhile, but I got it back to the size of a mustardseed, That's all it takes to move the mountains in my life. I've officially rejoined bible study, and I hope to continue to attend and grow with that beautiful group of people.

2. To love selectively, because not all people are worth of the pure form of love I have to give. If I started writing these resolutions a month ago, this would have been the number one thing on my list. I'm fed up with giving all of me to so many different people and getting way less than that back. I'm done with glorifying people who haven't earned my admiration. That's one thing I would like to see change in my life this year.

3. School. I'm is a desperate place in my education. The courses I'm in are way harder than I ever thought they would be and there never seems to be enough time to learn the material and perform well. I can't have this semester be a repeat of last semester. This scares me, because we're already almost halfway through! I will persevere through pharmacy school and make it to graduation.

4. I need to create more time for myself. Most of my time is split between school, work, the wide variety of friend groups I have, and all the clubs and organizations I'm involved in. It's overwhelming and I rarely have a second to myself. Last week I gave myself an hour to watch Being Mary Jane, and it was the best part of my week. That was one of the few hours I have to do what I wanted to do.

5. To continue to embrace the things that make me different. I don't have to fit into the box that Delta, Pharmacy School, my family, and other institutions have created for me. I can be a black girl who's okay with being overweight, enjoys how I look without makeup, jams to Taylor Swift instead or T-Raww, and spends an unfathomable amount of money on concerts instead of alcohol. I can continue to embrace the things that make me different.

6. I don't want to chase things anymore. I feel like I'm always working to finish my own story and chase after what I think is right for me or what I think I need. I just want to let things be and find a way to be happy in whatever predicament I'm in.

7. I want my friendships to grow into the kind where it's okay to have tough conversations. Where constructive criticism can be given to help each other grow. I'm blessed with wonderful friends, but have been forced to question them a bit lately. We've kind of hit a wall that will make it difficult for us to grown into better people with each others help. I hear a lot about my friends from outside sources and get contradicting stories with conversations with them. I had a friend lie to me, so that I wouldn't visit her. After I worked tirelessly to get someone to work for her, so I can go over there and show her that her supporting me didn't go unappreciated. Fights among friends have forced me to chose sides which is awkward. I haven't talked to any of them about any of this, because they are all sensitive people and it won't be a conversation that leads to much outside of anger. That frustrates me.

And that ends my list. For now. There are a few hundred other things I would like to work on, but I don't want to drag this out more then I already have. I'll take the time to focus on these seven things. Plus being less jealous and losing weight. I just don't know how to spin those things into something deep and beautiful. One Tree Hill is back in my life. It'll lead to positive changes. I just know it.

Song of the day : I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin Degraw

Quote of the day: "Every day is a new beginning. Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be".

"You Break Me Like a Promise. So Casually Cruel in the Name of Being Honest"

After about three months of avoidance, I'm ready to write this blog. Like any writer, or wanna be writer I built up to this moment. I played piano for an hour and went through every dramatic Taylor Swift Song I know how to play. Then I let myself listen to the ones I can't play on my phone. Last Kiss is currently playing for those who are curious. We just got to my favorite line in this piece, "You can plan on a change in the whether or time, but I never planned on you changing your mind". He changed his mind. Who is he you ask? Dave from the blog titled "If You Need More Love From Me, I'll Give You More. Just Let Me Know". It was actually the blog that ended our textuationship for good. After writing down all the thoughts going through my mind and how I felt, it seemed only right to send him the link. It could've gone up or down, but it went down. I can't say I'm too surprised. Every time I wanted to talk about what we are, what he wants to become, and how I feel about him he avoided the subject like the plague. Probably because he knew deep in his heart that he didn't want to be anything. Even though this thought completely contradicted stuff he previously said. We didn't talk about the blog, he just stopped talking to me.

As much as I wish I could say it was easy to cut that bitch off *snip, snip* it wasn't. I attempted to talk about the blog, completely change the subject, snapchat him photos worthy of the pretty titty committee, asked if he wanted to have sex, and sent a cute video of me. Some attempts got reactions and others didn't but none of them did the trick. He moved on. Away from me. I honestly don't think that I did anything wrong. He didn't give me an opportunity to show him who I am in person or see how we click. He didn't give me an opportunity to get closure and talk about what exactly I did to push him over the edge. He didn't sadly say goodbye or angrily tell me to leave him alone. He left my life just as quickly and quietly as he came into it. I didn't cry like I thought I would. I didn't sulk, because honestly who has the time? I put to practice two pieces of advice given to me by two of my three beautiful line sisters. I used the "sleep it away method". The one day I really was hurt and just slept and woke up brand new. Then I deleted all the messages he didn't respond to/said dumb stuff too up to the last good conversation and left it at that. That's what I wanted to remember. He left me with questions, but mostly lessons. I learned what I want and want I should avoid the next time. I also closed myself off more. Some things I learned about what I want in the future.

1. A man that is courteous. Courteous is defined as polite, respectful, or considerate. These are three important traits in any of lifes many relationships. If you're polite, you wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt my feelings. If you're respectful you'll be upfront with me, and if you're considerate you won't waste my time when you know that I'm not the one for you.

2. A man that doesn't have too many female friends. I'm not as secure as I thought I was. If you have ten female friends who are all unmarried, it'll make me curious and I'll waste precious moments of my life instagram stalking for MCM posts or some signs that they don't want you just like I do. It also makes me question your sexuality just a little bit. Cause if you're not into them, and they're not into you, then maybe you all are too comfortable together.

3. A man that has a freaky side. I can take nice, awkward Christian boy. There's nothing wrong with that, and I think it's cute when boys are slightly nervous. But if I want to be flirty or tap into a different side of our relationship, you should be ready to do that too. There's nothing attractive about me having to take that kind of lead.

4. A man that has good conversation skills. That's the number one thing I miss about Dave. Our conversations. We talked about everything from his friends, to my friends, to greek life, to Ferguson, and political activism. The conversations were fun and enlightening and that's something I really desire to have in a relationship.

5. A man that is close. Living in the same city is important, because then you have mutual friends or acquaintances and he doesn't get to be such a mystery all the time. If you're having a bad day, he can easily be there for you. You can actually do things together.

6. A man that doesn't need an app or a website to approach me. Once that life brings to me and is brave enough to speak and let their feelings and intentions be known.

7. A man that won't leave. The end.

Songs of the Day :

Clean by Taylor Swift
All Too Well by Taylor Swift
You're Not Sorry by Taylor Swift
Forever and Always by Taylor Swift
White Horse by Taylor Swift
Last Kiss by Taylor Swift

If you're ready to let and move on to what's next, these songs will get you through it. Quickly and efficiently. They're all fairly easy to play on the piano too.

Quote of the day: "We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly".

"I had to set you free. Away from me. To see clearly the way that love can be when you are not with me. I had to live. I had to leave"

I spent years of my life in love with the idea of love. Not the love that exists in this generation. Nothing like what Tyga and Blacc Chyna had when he rescued her from the strip club or what young jayhawks in situationships think they feel for each other, but love. The definition I knew goes as follows: "Love is patient. Love is Kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always hurts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love...Never..Fails." Every single word has so much power, but I always get stuck on love never fails. You can have fights, change personalities, and be separated by distance and death. But love never fails. It was this kind of love that the me of my youth so deeply longed for. The kind of love that can only be seen in Nicholas Sparks books and movies. So I dove into them and clung to every word. I spent all my time reading books like this and listening to my William and Kate playlist. I was active in church because the love of God kept me going. I had no doubt that Corinthians 13 love is what I felt for my parents., my brother, my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I still do feel it for them. They are the light of my life.

Somewhere along the line, I lost faith in that kind of love. I listen to my friends talk about the people that they're with. The stories that come to mind is the girl who slept with a guy for months without knowing he had a girlfriend. The boy who claims to feel deeply and passionately about a spectacular woman, but can't give her commitment, kissing, or cuddling. No type of affection whatssoever. Back to Blacc Chyna. She bore a child for a man she loved, but it was so easy for him to leave her for a 17 year old girl who clearly lacks good parents and a sense of direction. The star of the football team who dates the prettiest girl I have ever seen outside of a television. Hair done, nails, done, everything did. Drives a luxurious car and has weave down to her butt. Not an ounce of fat on the girl. He has what we are all so encouraged by society to strive to be. He cheated on her for a regular KCK girl with a boyfriend and a big butt. These are the images of "love" I am surrounded with. Who wouldn't lose faith in times like this?

I recently had a conversation with three guys and a girl about The Notebook. A movie I think is beautiful in every way. All four people I was with proceeded to trash the movie. The fact that he was committed enough to a woman to send a letter every day for a year (365 days) wasn't beautiful, it was "creepy". The cutest guy in the group said that, "If I send you one text message and you don't respond, it's over." The fact that he built the house they wanted to live in on faith alone, because he had no idea whether she'd come back alone was "stupid". The fact that she found love in someone else during their time apart made her a "thot". So ends the discussion of The Notebook and my fantasies. I had to end the conversation saying, "I know that this type of thing wouldn't happen in real life but.."

I'm a good girl, and I was taught to believe that that's not worth something. My body's a temple and I refuse to let it get played with by silly sex obsessed boys with HPV and Clamydia. I refuse to be the side chick or an extra in someone elses love story. I refuse to be with someone that doesn't love me enough to give me the simple things I crave. I want something more for myself. So I guess I realized its better to not be loved at all than to be loved partially or in the wrong way. So the journey continues...

Song of the day: Pretty Wings by Maxwell

Quote of the day: “The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever” 
― Nicholas Sparks

"May Your Neighbors Respect You. Trouble Neglect You. Angels Protect You. And Heaven Protect You."

It's been awhile, but I had to document my Top 25 Most played list, because it's the most beautiful it has ever been. It will disappear soon, because i'll have to sync my phone to a different computer. But it can live forever on my blog. I'm attached to every single song. I've laughed to these songs, cried to these songs, and grown into the woman I am to these songs. When my heart is broken and I'm at the point of giving up I sulk to the lines : "This time won't you save me. Baby, I can feel myself giving up..giving up" and "I had to set you free. Away from me. To see clearly the way that love can be when you are not with me. I had to live. I had to leave..." When it hits me that  I'm twenty years old at a pivitol point in my life, I can always resonate with the Dixie Chicks. "I've been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder, children get older and I'm getting older too." When I'm convinced love doesn't exist I take comfort in how "every long lost road lead me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars." One day i'll be in a beautiful white dress dancing to the words, "it's you and me and all other people, but I don't know why..I can't keep my eyes off of you." And when I'm a little bit insecure Nicki and I can yell to the world, "I'll never be perfect, believe me I'm worth it. So take me or leave me."  These songs are me. My past, present, and future. Soak it in.

1. Skyscraper by Demi Lovato
2. Super Bass by Nicki Minaj
3. Ours by Taylor Swift
4. If I Die Young by The Band Perry
5. Save Me by Nicki Mianj
6. If This Was a Movie by Taylor Swift
7. Pretty Wings (Uncut) by Mawell
8. Over My Dead Body by Drake
9. Next 2 You by Chris Brown and Justin Bieber
10. Fly by Nicki Minaj and Rihanna
11. The Chain by Ingrid Michaelson
12. I Need a Girl by Trey Songz
13. The Story of Us by Taylor Swift
14. Landslide by the Dixie Chicks
15. God Bless The Broken Road by Carrie Underwood and the Rascal Flatts
16. From Time by Drake and Jhene Aiko
17. Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce
18. Long Live by Taylor Swift
19. California King Bed by Rihanna
20. Let Me Know by Tamar Braton and Future
21. Shot For Me by Drake
22. You and Me by Lifehouse
23. How to Love by Lil Wayne
24. Marilyn Monroe by Nicki Minaj
25. Take Care by Drake